Breathe Into Me

by Michelle Betham

  “Don’t, Lukas…”

  “I still love you, baby, and I can’t just switch that off, I can’t pretend anymore.”

  “What you have with Dawn… Jesus, Lukas, I don’t understand…”

  “I wasn’t strong, Quinn. I was just as weak after I came out of rehab as I was before I went in. I couldn’t… I missed you, so fucking much, you have no idea…”

  She couldn’t stop herself from laughing, and his eyes met hers and he knew. He knew. “I have no idea, what it’s like to miss someone? I missed you every day of my fucking life, and that’s when we were together. I missed you, so much there were times when I couldn’t bear the pain, so don’t tell me I have no idea what that feels like. I know.”

  “I am so sorry…”

  “Don’t say it, Lukas. Don’t keep saying it because it doesn’t make anything any better, it doesn’t change anything.”

  “I needed something – someone to stop me from hurting, Quinn. To stop me from wanting you, from regretting everything I put you through…”

  “So you thought you’d just mess up someone else’s life, huh? You knew how Dawn felt about you, you know how infatuated she was with you and you took advantage of that. You used her…”

  “Quinn, I know. I know this. And look what happened. Don’t you think I’m paying for that now?”

  “We’re all paying for it, Lukas. Me, you, Aaron, and he doesn’t deserve any of this crap.”

  “And he wasn’t just some kind of crutch for you, huh?”

  “Don’t you dare assume I married Aaron as some twisted way of getting over you, because you are wrong.”

  “And that circus of a wedding you had? All of that was because you wanted it that way, was it? That was the wedding you’d always dreamed of, with the paparazzi parked outside and helicopters hovering overhead? That was what you really wanted, was it, Quinn?”

  “You have no right…”

  “Or was it all just a message, to me. To let me know that you were moving on, you were done with me. It was all a front, wasn’t it? A smokescreen. Something to hide behind because you were too scared to come back to me.”

  She raised her hand to slap him but he caught her wrist and held it tight, his eyes burning into hers.

  “We both messed up, Quinn. Both of us. If we’d just admitted that we were never really meant to be apart; that we belonged together, then all of this could have been avoided.”

  “You never lost that arrogance, huh?”

  “That arrogance used to turn you the hell on, remember?”

  “You bastard…”

  His mouth crashed down onto hers in a kiss that seemed to pull every last breath out of her, but she wasn’t letting this happen. He wasn’t winning this one, and she raised a leg and kicked him away with a force so hard it caused him to clutch his stomach as he staggered backwards. “Jesus Christ, Quinn…”

  “People used to ask why I hadn’t stood by you. All the time. Do you know how hard that was for me? To have that question; those accusations thrown at me? People wondering how I could just leave you like that, when you needed me most. But they had no idea, did they? That when I needed you most you were lying in a fucking gutter somewhere in Las Vegas with some pumped-up showgirl hanging round your neck. When I was pushing our son into this world I needed you, Lukas, and you weren’t there… Jesus!”

  She turned away and closed her eyes, furiously blinking back tears she didn’t want to cry, not over him. Not now, not here.

  “Quinn, please…”

  “You weren’t there,” she whispered, keeping her back to him, because looking at him without breaking down wasn’t something she could trust herself to do right now. “And I needed you.” She leaned forward, resting her forehead against the wall, keeping her eyes closed, breathing in deep, trying hard to keep it together. “I was scared, Lukas. I was so scared, and all I wanted was for you to hold me and tell me it was all going to be all right, that we’d get through this. But you weren’t there… and I needed you…” She felt hot tears stream down her face and she let them fall, it was too exhausting, fighting them. “I needed you.”

  His hand touched her hip and she didn’t flinch, didn’t move a muscle. She could feel his breath on her neck, his hand splaying out on her hip as his body pressed against hers and she breathed in deep again, the tears still streaming down her cheeks. “I would move heaven and earth to change what happened, Quinn. To rid you of the crap I put you through, I would kill to be able to do that.”

  “You should’ve been there,” she whispered, her fingers sliding between his as his hand covered hers against the wall. “And I stopped you. I stopped you, and I needed you.”

  “Ssh… I know, baby. I know.”

  “I was so scared, Lukas…”

  She gripped his fingers even tighter, every painful memory of their son’s birth flooding back to kick her in the gut twice as hard as if it had happened yesterday.

  “He was our son. And you should’ve been there, and I didn’t tell you, I didn’t even give you a chance, I… Oh, God, I can’t believe I didn’t even give you a chance…”

  “You were hurting, Quinn. I’d damaged you so much you had every reason to stay away from me.”

  “He was your son, Luk. And what I did, that wasn’t fair.”

  He rested his forehead against the back of her head and she listened as he breathed in deep, felt his breath warm her skin as he exhaled, his fingers tightening around hers. “We all fucked up, Quinn. All of us.”

  “It’s a mess,” she whispered. “And I don’t know how to handle this, Lukas, I don’t. I’m pretending I do, but I’m terrified of what’s going to happen; what she’s going to say…”

  “She doesn’t know about Noah, I promise you that. I haven’t told a soul, Quinn…”

  “Aaron doesn’t deserve this.”

  She slowly turned around, letting go of his hand only briefly before her fingers wound back around his.

  “I love him, Lukas. I love him, so much. And you have to get that, you have to understand that, because without him, I really don’t know where I’d be.”

  “With me,” he murmured, his mouth moving closer to hers and she took another deep breath, and tried to grab hold of every ounce of common sense that was slowly slipping from her grasp. “You’d be with me. I would’ve come for you, Quinn, and I would’ve shown you the kind of man I am now.”

  “Don’t do this, Lukas, please…”

  He gently brushed away her tears with his thumb, cocking his head slightly as he looked into her eyes, and she felt her heart crack with confusion. This man had once been her life. Her whole fucking world. This man had once been the only thing she lived for; the only thing that mattered. Once.

  “Why did you change, Lukas? What made you turn into that man? Wasn’t I good enough? Didn’t I give you enough? Because I don’t know what I did wrong; when it all started to slip away from me… I don’t know when that happened, and I…”

  “I fucked up, Quinn. And I don’t know what drove me to it, because I loved you, and you can choose to believe that or not but it’s true. I loved you. And none of what happened was your fault, do you understand? You didn’t do anything, you didn’t push me away. Not until I gave you no other option.” He dropped his head and Quinn almost breathed a sigh of relief. “I don’t know what I can say to make things any better. To make you understand that I just lost control…”

  “Excuses, Lukas. That’s all they are. Excuses.”

  He looked up, and she could see a pain in his eyes that scared her. “I had it all, Quinn. I had everything, and everyone knew that. I had a beautiful wife, a dream career, and I chose to throw it all away. I fucked up. I acted like an idiot, and everyone knew that, too. Nobody blamed you, for anything.”

  “Our son, Lukas… I can’t… I can’t think about him now without feeling that guilt, that crushing pain, because I kept you from meeting him, and I don’t know how to deal with that. I don’t know how to get past that, Luk, and
I’m scared.”

  He cupped her cheek, guiding her face down until his lips touched hers, brushing over them so lightly he barely touched her, but it was enough to send a shot of something she didn’t even want to try and explain shooting through her. Shocking her. “I don’t want you to be scared, Quinn. You don’t have to be scared, not anymore.”

  “Why did you do it, Lukas?” She felt the tears continue to fall, and once more he brushed them away, leaning in to kiss her damp cheek and she closed her eyes and wished the world would stop turning, just for a second; a little bit of time to get her head together, that’s all she needed.

  “Just know I’m not going there again, Quinn. OK? I promise you, sweetheart, there isn’t a chance of that happening. If I didn’t go back there without you, then I’m certainly not going to risk it if you’re by my side. You have to believe me, that isn’t happening again, things have changed, I’ve changed. I care now.”

  “You should’ve cared then.”

  She felt a rush of strength suddenly flood her body, and she let go of his hand and stepped away from him.

  “You should’ve cared then. I don’t give a crap what you care about now, it’s too late. You’re too late, Lukas.”

  “Quinn…”

  “No, we’re done here. And all we can do now is wait and see what else Dawn’s going to throw at us, then try and clear up whatever mess that causes.”

  “You think it’s that simple?”

  “I think it has to be. Because we are in the middle of one hell of a shit-storm here, and it’s all being played out in the most public way possible, and the last thing any of us need is to add to it. I love Aaron, OK? I love him. He’s kept me sane and loved me back in a way that saved me, and I’m not hurting him anymore. He’s gone through enough, and it ends. Here. We end – here.”

  “Everything OK?”

  She swung around to see Aaron standing in the doorway, his hands in his pockets, his eyes on Lukas.

  “Everything’s fine. Lukas was just leaving.”

  Lukas walked toward her, placing a hand lightly on her hip, leaning in close as he spoke. “This isn’t over, Quinn.”

  Quinn watched as Aaron reached out and took hold of Lukas’s wrist, pulling his hand gently away from her, but he said nothing. He stayed silent. The two men just looked at each other for a few beats before Lukas finally left, closing the trailer door behind him.

  “What did he want?” Aaron asked.

  “To explain.”

  “What, exactly? How do you explain the twisted shit he’s involved in?”

  Quinn shrugged and busied herself tidying away stray mugs and plates that had been left lying around the trailer. “You can’t.”

  “So, what did you talk about then?”

  “The baby, Aaron, OK?” She swung around to face him. “We talked about Noah; the guilt I still feel – the guilt I will always feel because I didn’t allow him to meet his son. I needed him that day… I needed him. And he was… I should have let him be there. And I’ll always regret not letting that happen.”

  Aaron said nothing for a second or two, he just looked at her, and Quinn felt her stomach tie itself up in a knot so tight her breath caught in her throat.

  “You aren’t to blame, Quinn.”

  “You really believe that?”

  “You’d pushed him away because he’d given you no other option.”

  “You weren’t there, Aaron.”

  “No. No, I wasn’t. And it seems as if this is going to be something you continue to shut me out of…”

  “Aaron, please…”

  “He had nothing to do with me, though, did he? Your son. I wasn’t a part of the life you were living then, and he continued to be something you couldn’t trust me enough to tell me about…”

  “That isn’t fair.”

  “What isn’t fair, Quinn, is what’s happening here. And I knew – I knew making this movie wasn’t gonna be easy, but this…” He shook his head and took a step back. “This is beyond anything I was expecting. And I don’t know how to deal with it, I don’t…”

  “Aaron…”

  “I need some time, Quinn. Alone. To get my head around what’s happening here because – I don’t know, OK?”

  “You don’t know?”

  His eyes bored deep into hers, and she felt that knot in her stomach pull even tighter.

  “He isn’t out of your system, Quinn. He isn’t, baby. And you can stand there and deny it as much as you like but you know as well as I do that he isn’t out of your system. If he was, you wouldn’t have run to him. You wouldn’t have slept with him. And we wouldn’t be having this conversation.”

  “I love you, Aaron, I…”

  “I know you do. I know you love me, and God knows I love you too, so much it fucking hurts. But I don’t know if I can do this anymore, Quinn. I really don’t.”

  “No, Aaron, please… No…”

  “I’ve got a friend with an apartment at the beach. I’ll go stay there for a few days, give us both some space.”

  “I don’t want you to do this, Aaron. I don’t want space, I want you.”

  “Do you think this is what I want, Quinn? Of course I don’t want this. I love you, so I don’t want this.”

  She’d never felt so terrified; the feeling of fear that swept over her was overwhelming, because reality was kicking in big time now.

  “But I need some time, baby. OK?”

  He walked over to her, and he kissed her, and she just wanted to wrap her arms around him and hold him so close; keep him here. She didn’t want this to be happening.

  “I can’t think, Quinn, when I’m right in the middle of all of this. And I think… I think you need that time, too.”

  “I don’t,” she whispered, shaking her head, that fear coming back to swamp her again as he stepped back from her. “Aaron, please…”

  She was losing him. It was happening, the one thing she’d feared, it was actually happening. And she’d never been more scared.

  ***

  “What the hell is going on here?”

  Aaron looked up as Harry found him on the steps of his trailer. “I’m assuming you’ve seen Quinn.” It wasn’t a question.

  “You’re just giving her to him?”

  “That isn’t what I’m doing, Harry. And what the hell business is this of yours? You’re her agent, her manager, you’re not her fucking father.”

  “I’m the closest thing she’s got to one, Aaron, and you know that. You know what she means to me, what she is to me, and that goes way beyond being just a client. I’ll always be involved in her life, and you’ve always known that. And by the way, what you’re doing, you are, to all intents and purposes, giving her to him.”

  “I don’t need this right now, Harry. Not from you.”

  “Do you have any idea how you walking away from Quinn is gonna affect this already volatile situation?”

  “Yes, Harry, I have every fucking idea, but what do you want me to do, huh? Stand by and watch while those two try to work out whether they can actually be together again?”

  “Is that what you think is happening?”

  “And you don’t?”

  Harry shrugged. “It’s a mess, Aaron. One huge, hot mess and I have no fucking clue what’s gonna happen. But I do know that you and Quinn should be fighting for your marriage, not giving up and walking away.”

  “I’m tired of fighting, Harry. Y’know, maybe she just needs to go to him. Maybe they really were always meant to be together, so, maybe she just needs to go to him.”

  “That’s the last thing she needs. Jesus, come on! I thought you loved her…”

  “I do. I love her so fucking much but I am tired, Harry. Of this.”

  Harry shrugged, looking at Aaron with wide, questioning eyes. “So, that means what, exactly?”

  Aaron sighed, dragging a hand back through his hair. “She isn’t over him. She isn’t. And if she isn’t over him after ten fucking years then what chance does our mar
riage have?”

  “None, if you just give up. But, hey, if that’s what you want…”

  Aaron stood up, anger and frustration taking over. “What I want, Harry, is for this to go away. I want him to go away, and take all this shit with him. I want me and Quinn to get past this and move on and be happy, like I thought we were. That’s what I want.”

  “You were happy, Aaron.”

  “Were we? Have the past ten years not just been some sort of act on her part? Was marrying me just something she did to try and help her get over him?”

  “Aaron…”

  “Did she ever really love me?”

  “She loves you, Aaron. Don’t think for one second that she doesn’t, and I’m not denying that she needed you for a hundred different reasons…”

  “She lied to me, Harry.”

  “She did what she thought was right. He messed her up in a way I don’t think anyone else will ever understand, but I was there, OK? Every step of the fucking way I was there, so I know how fucked up she was, and yes, she kept things from you that she should have talked to you about, but they were things she needed to deal with in her own way, and whether that was the right way or not… She had to deal with all of it, in her own way. But the one thing she never, ever lied about was the fact she loved you. She changed, when she met you. You fixed her, Aaron, remember? You took her and you fixed her and now you’re just gonna let him take her back and break her all over again?”

  Aaron threw himself back against the door of his trailer and dragged a hand through his hair again, a howl of frustration erupting from the depths of his soul.

  “Talk to her. Before you do anything rash just – just talk to her. Please.”

  “It hurts so bad, Harry.”

  Harry walked over to him, and Aaron looked up, his eyes heavy with tears he hadn’t even realized were there until he felt them streaming down his face.

  “Just talk to her, Aaron. Before it’s too late.”

  Aaron wiped his eyes with his forearm as he watched Harry leave. Then he sank to the floor, lowered his head to his knees, and cried like he’d never cried before.