The Daddy Dilemma

by Karen Rose Smith

  Sara laughed. They were all wearing silly hats, left over from Kyle’s birthday. But she didn’t mind. It was part of the celebration. She hadn’t really celebrated her birthday since before her mother died.

  Galen’s pointed hat was almost falling off his head. He righted it and grinned. “Go ahead, Kyle. Give Sara your present. I helped him with it,” he admitted proudly.

  Sara took the large, flat package that Kyle carefully handed her. It was wrapped in Christmas paper, with a silver bow. She untied the ribbon, slipped off the paper and opened the box. Inside, she found one of Kyle’s drawings framed under glass. “This is wonderful! It’s you beside a fire engine, right?”

  “Yep. Gramps found the frame in the attic.” The frame looked as if it had seen a new coat of paint, and Sara turned to Galen, too. “Thank you, very much.”

  “We didn’t know what color your apartment was,” Galen said, “but we figured yellow would go anywhere.”

  Yes, it would. There were times Sara almost forgot she had a life back in Minneapolis. How could she forget about the career she’d worked so hard on? The partnership she was aiming for? But when she looked into Kyle’s little face, that didn’t seem to matter.

  Next, Val handed her a small square package. When Sara opened it, she found a purse mirror that was beautifully beaded on the back. “This is great. Now I can always make sure my lipstick is on straight.”

  Val laughed and brushed away her thanks.

  Finally, Nathan gave her a gift bag that held his presents. She took the sparkly bag with its snow scene and reached inside the white tissue paper. First she pulled out a gold foil box of candy—imported chocolates. “Dark chocolate is my favorite, and I love pecans.” Then she pulled out the second present. It was a book, and she could see instantly that it had beautiful color pictures of the Rapid Creek area. “Oh, Nathan, I love it.” And she did. When she was in Minneapolis, she’d remember fresh snow on fir trees, the lake they’d seen when they’d gone snowmobiling, the lodge itself, which was the centerpiece of one of the photographs.

  “A friend of mine from high school is a photographer. The book was published last year. It’s signed.”

  She could see that it was. She wanted to kiss Nathan. She wanted to burrow into his arms again. But with everyone sitting around the table that was impossible. Maybe tonight.

  Should she really take him up on his invitation? Should she start an affair with him?

  It’s already started, a little voice whispered.

  Yes, she guessed it was. But if she went to his bedroom tonight, she’d be telling him she wanted to live in the moment, and didn’t care about the future. If she made love with him again tonight, and he didn’t have deep feelings for her, she was going to take a major fall. Or…

  Maybe as they were making love, Nathan’s feelings would deepen and grow.

  Covering her confusion, she said, “Thank you so much, everyone. You’ve made my birthday really special.”

  “A day late,” Val chided.

  “This belated birthday is the best one I’ve had in a long time.”

  Galen picked up his fork to dig into his cake. He commented, “And Christmas is right around the corner. Then we’ll all have presents to open. If we’ve been good,” he added, with a conspiratorial glance at Kyle.

  “Will Santa bring Sara’s presents here or leave them at her house?” The boy looked worried that she wouldn’t have anything to open.

  “Oh, I think Santa will know she’s here,” Nathan assured him.

  She might have Christmas presents here, but the day after New Year’s she’d be leaving. Unless Nathan asked her to stay. Unless she decided to change her life to be near her son.

  After Nathan and Sara put Kyle to bed, they wandered into the living room, both of them acting a little awkward. Nathan said, “It takes him awhile to get settled in and fall asleep sometimes. The snow has stopped. I’m going to go out and run the blower on the walks.”

  She didn’t know what to say to that. It sounded as if he was expecting her to come to his room. If she didn’t, would he be angry?

  As if sensing her turmoil, he took her hand and kissed her fingertips one by one. “I want you to come to my room tonight. But if that’s not what you want, I’m not going to act like an idiot, either. We’re adults, Sara. We each have to make our own decisions.”

  If she told him she loved him, she knew he’d back away. She knew he’d retreat. Love and sex were separate for him. Apparently, he could shut down his memories of Colleen while he met a physical need with Sara. On the other hand, if she showed him she loved him, over and over again, in every way she could, maybe he’d come to believe. Maybe then he could let go of the past to reach for a future. “I’ll be waiting for you when you come back in.”

  He actually grinned at her, a full-fledged smile. Giving her a hug, he assured her, “I’ll make this fast.”

  After Nathan went outside, Sara took a bubble bath, then listened for the snowblower to stop humming. She was in the kitchen, trying to control the runaway beat of her pulse, when he came in. His cheeks were ruddy, his hair windswept, and he looked too delicious for words.

  “Would you like a mug of hot chocolate? I can bring it to the bedroom.”

  “I’m going to grab a five-minute shower. I’ll meet you there.”

  By the time she stirred the mix into the milk and carried it to his bedroom, the water had stopped running. When he came out of the bathroom, he was naked, and she was filled with an excitement that made her breathless.

  She didn’t know why she’d fallen so hard and fast for Nathan. She didn’t know why, the moment they’d met, her heart rate had sped up and her skin had tingled. There was something about him that unsettled her, excited her and made her feel every inch a woman. She also knew with that deep feminine instinct she often depended on that he would make a wonderful life partner—loyal, faithful and dependable. If he could bundle up the past and open up the gifts she wanted to give him in the present, they could have a future together.

  As he came to the bed, slid in beside her and turned to her, she went willingly into his arms. They held each other for long moments of quiet intimacy, moments so fantastic that tears burned in her eyes. He was still slightly damp from his shower, smelled like soap and man, and heated her body with his. She felt him grow hard with his need for her.

  She wanted to crawl into him, letting her mind and heart, soul and body join his.

  “I can’t believe I’m hungry for you again,” he growled into her neck, nipping the tender skin under her ear, passing his hand down her side and then between her legs. Already, the touch of his fingers on her skin was enough to make her thoughts scatter like a drift of snow blown by the wind.

  When he took his hand from her most intimate place, she gazed up at him, wondering if he’d decided this wasn’t what he wanted, after all.

  “This afternoon was too fast. We hardly had time to catch our breath, let alone enjoy what we were doing. Instead of rushing toward the big bang, I thought you might enjoy a lot of little bangs.” He softly kissed her mouth, nibbled at the corner, titillated her with kisses from her jaw down her neck to her breasts.

  Although the pleasure he was bestowing on her had her almost dizzy, she reached for him, determined to make him as crazy as he was making her. She stroked her palm down his back, dawdled at the small of it and felt him grow harder.

  When her fingertips reached across his buttocks, he swore. “You keep that up and we’ll be done.”

  “But there’s always the next time,” she breathed against his cheek, giving him a kiss there, too.

  The next time with him was all she could hope for. But eventually their next times were going to run out.

  She couldn’t think about that now. She couldn’t think about leaving—either Kyle or Nathan.

  He rolled onto his back, to keep her fingers from wandering farther. But he brought her with him, and they laughed as she balanced herself on his chest and legs, then sa
t up, boldly stroking his pectoral muscles.

  “I thought it would be better this way,” he breathed raggedly. “But your hands are lethal.”

  “No more lethal than your mouth.”

  He grinned at her. With his hair falling over his brow, he looked more relaxed, more happy than she’d ever seen him. If she could do that for him, wouldn’t he want her in his life?

  “Are you ready?” she teased, tracing circles with her thumbs on his stomach, seeing his eyes darken, watching the hunger flare.

  “Are you ready?” he asked, turning the tables on her. “Because I can hold out long enough to give you more than one orgasm.”

  “Is that your goal?”

  “My goal is to make us both love what we’re doing here.”

  Love. If she said it now…

  When she slid back farther on his thighs, he grabbed her arms. “Where are you going?”

  “You’ll see.”

  With that pronouncement, she bent to him, let her hair trail across his stomach, her lips nuzzle his navel. He groaned her name. It was a plea. A warning. A protest. With uninhibited sureness, letting her love guide her because she’d never done anything like this before, she gently rubbed her cheek against his arousal. He went perfectly still, as if he was trying to control every muscle in his body and every thought in his head.

  She nuzzled him, kissed him, then teased him with her tongue.

  His hands moved restlessly against the sheet. When she took him into her mouth, she heard him sigh and she felt his heat. She knew she was being provocative and tempting, and anything but passive.

  Awkwardly, his hands grasped her arm. “Enough,” he rasped. “Slide onto me. Now.”

  “But I thought—” she began innocently.

  “Dammit, Sara, now.”

  She couldn’t hide her smile or her satisfaction as she guided him into her body and sank onto him. She didn’t care about multiple orgasms. She only cared about loving Nathan.

  While her body hugged him, he plunged deeper. She took him in completely, finding her rhythm with him.

  Mindful not only of his own pleasure, but hers, too, he reached between them, touched her, and she felt herself flying into a thousand pieces. She was trying to regain her breath, trying to concentrate on him, when he touched her again, stunning her with an overload of erotic sensation. He kept their rhythm, and each ripple of pleasure turned into another until he climaxed, too. His deep, guttural groan told her he’d been as satisfied as she was.

  When his body finally relaxed, she leaned forward and kissed his lips. He smiled and took her into his arms. They rolled onto their sides, holding each other close.

  Sara didn’t know what time it was when Kyle awakened them. He ran into his dad’s room saying, “Daddy, Daddy, I can’t find Sara. She’s not in her room—” And then he saw the two of them together in the big bed.

  She was naked under the covers, and wasn’t sure what to do.

  Nathan sat up, slipped on jogging shorts that were by the side of the bed, and went to his son. “What’s the matter? Did you have a bad dream?”

  “No. I just wanted to tell Sara something.”

  Nathan hunkered down beside him. “What did you want to tell her?”

  Kyle looked over at her with his little-boy smile. “I’m going to write Santa a letter tomorrow and tell him you’re here,” he declared. “Then he’ll know to leave your presents. I want you to have presents to open on Christmas morning.”

  “Why don’t we go to your room and talk about it?” Nathan suggested.

  “I don’t have to go to sleep right away?”

  “Sara and I have something to tell you before you do.”

  Nathan’s gaze met Sara’s, and she knew the moment had come. Her hands trembled as she heard their voices move down the hall. She donned her nightgown and robe.

  When she entered Kyle’s room, he was sitting on his bed, his legs dangling. Nathan sat on one side of him and she perched on the other.

  “What do you want to tell me?” Kyle asked, sounding a bit worried. “Is it about Santa?”

  “No, it’s about Sara,” Nathan said with a smile. “We have a story to tell you.”

  Sara let Nathan take the lead, because he knew how much Kyle could comprehend.

  “When your mom and I got married we wanted to have children very much. But after a while we found out we couldn’t. A baby had to come from one of your mom’s eggs, but we found out she didn’t have good eggs. So Sara gave your mom one of her eggs. The doctor put it inside your mom, and you grew inside her belly. Remember those pictures I showed you, when her tummy was really big?”

  “Yeah. You said I was in there, and then I came out.”

  “And then you came out.”

  Sara knew Nathan was remembering everything. The procedures for Colleen to become pregnant, the joy when she did, the misery, grief and loss, over her and Kyle’s twin. Maybe this was one of the reasons Nathan hadn’t been ready to tell his son—because all of it would come rushing back.

  “The thing is, Kyle…” Nathan draped his arm around the child’s shoulders. “Colleen was your mom because you grew inside of her. But Sara’s your mom, too, because it was her egg that gave you life, that made you the little boy you are.”

  Shifting away from his dad, Kyle crawled up onto his knees and hugged Sara around the neck. She wrapped her arms around him and held him tightly, letting her tears fall.

  “Why are you crying?” he asked when he pulled away and saw them.

  “Because I’m so happy. I’m so glad you’re my son.”

  “Are you going to live here with us?”

  Nathan broke in, his voice rough. “She can’t do that, Kyle. She has a job in Minneapolis. But she’s going to visit often.”

  Nathan hadn’t hesitated one bit. He hadn’t even looked at her for confirmation. And in his mind it was all settled. In his mind, he was the dad. He was still the single parent. She would live 120 miles away and visit when it was convenient for him.

  “I have a book I’ve been saving for you that can answer more questions if you think of any. Now it’s time to go to sleep again.” Nathan patted the pillow. “Come on, let’s get you tucked in.”

  Kyle’s gaze lifted to Sara again. “I’m glad you’re my mom. But I wish you could stay here.”

  “So do I,” she answered. “But I’ll visit often. We’ll talk about it more in the morning.” She leaned down and kissed his forehead. “Good night, honey.”

  His eyes on hers, he smiled. “Can I call you Mom?”

  With a lump in her throat the size of Minnesota, Sara nodded.

  Once Nathan had joined her in the hall, she said, “You explained it to him in terms he could understand.”

  Nathan ran his hand through his hair. “I tried. I’m sure he’ll have more questions. Some of them might not be so easy to answer.”

  As they walked down the hall, Nathan didn’t put his arm around her. He didn’t take her hand or invite her into his room. He looked like a man who was wrestling with the past.

  “Telling Kyle reminded you of everything that happened,” she said softly.

  “Yeah. It did.”

  Just a few hours ago she’d been touching Nathan intimately, and he’d been touching her. Now she could see he didn’t want to be touched. He didn’t want to be consoled. He wanted to be left alone with his memories.

  At the door to her bedroom, she stopped. “I never imagined we’d tell him tonight.”

  “It was time.”

  “Nathan—”

  When she would have clasped his arm, he moved away. “Let’s just let everything settle down a bit.”

  “All right. Do you still want me to help you decorate the church in the morning?”

  He forced a smile. “Sure.”

  They didn’t have anything else to say. She stepped into her room. “Good night.”

  He studied her for several heartbeats. “Good night, Sara.”

  As she sat down on her be
d, she heard his door close. She was afraid another door had closed tonight, too—the door to his heart.

  Chapter Twelve

  T he tension between Sara and Nathan was as reverberating as the church bell that rang at noon. She felt his gaze on her as she arranged straw on the floor of the wooden stable he’d carried to the front of the church. They’d assembled it in silence, and now she had to do something to break that silence.

  “Do you do this every year?”

  “Dad used to do it, and his father before him.” Nathan’s voice was low, filled with memories.

  “My mother and I usually made pine bough wreaths with red velvet bows to hang around the church. We’d make them a few evenings before Christmas, so the scent of the pine was still fresh.”

  After a few moments, Nathan added, “Dad brought us to the midnight service on Christmas Eve. He knew we’d be awake anyway, so he insisted we might as well be doing something worthwhile, remembering what Christmas was really about.”

  “There’s something special about that midnight service, isn’t there? When I was little, my mom would tell me if I listened hard enough I could hear the angels sing. I think I still listen for them. Will you…will we bring Kyle to the midnight service?”

  “I’d like to, but with the temperature dropping after sundown, it will be better to wait until the eleven o’clock service on Christmas morning.”

  Sara was concerned. Kyle missed so many special events because of his asthma. Or maybe not so much because of his asthma, but because of Nathan’s protective attitude about it. Now wasn’t the time to bring that up, though.

  After readjusting the manger between the statues of Mary and Joseph, Sara arranged straw around it.

  “He’s thrilled you’re his mother.”

  “And you wish he wasn’t.”

  “That’s not true.”

  Their gazes locked and she saw the turmoil in Nathan’s. “What are you most concerned about? That I’ll want to visit him too much? That I’ll interfere in your life? That I’ll want to take Kyle back to Minneapolis with me?”