Myth-Fortunes m-19

by Robert Asprin

  "Big Crunch!" I exclaimed.

  "I beg your pardon?" Queen Suzal asked.

  Behind her, Chumley cringed. The Troll hastily patted the air with both big palms. 'Big Crunch' was his nom de guerre as a monosyllabic enforcer in most other dimensions, but clearly not here. I immediately tempered my statement.

  "I mean, your majesty, we're on a big crunch for time here, trying to get the pyramid done, but I'm very pleased to have the opportunity to meet you. Samwise here has been telling me what an honor it is that you have given him permission to build such an amazing structure. I am eager to see it finished."

  "As am I, O great Skeeve," she said. She smiled at Samwise, who turned brilliant pink with pleasure. "He shows honor to me that had been heretofore withheld. I, too, would see it complete."

  "Who would dare refuse to give you whatever you wanted, beautiful lady?" Aahz purred.

  Suzal's long lashes flicked as she eyed him up and down, but her blue eyes flashed.

  "Why, that ignoble wizard across the valley from here," she said, aiming her nose toward the eastern mountains.

  "You mean Diksen?" I asked, puzzled.

  "Speak not his name!" Suzal snarled. "I call him accursed. And selfish." Her lip quivered. Indignantly, she put her nose in the air. Like all of her features, it was unusually pretty. Chumley realized I was staring and cleared his throat audibly. I lowered my gaze.

  "But I am very pleased to give you what you want, your majesty," Samwise said. "Everyone knows that this is the Queen Suzal Pyramid. When it is finished, it will be the wonder of Ghordon and, er, many other dimensions."

  "When will it be done?"

  I jumped. This unexpected question came from somewhere around my waist. I looked down.

  Another official in striped headgear stood at the queen's side. He was only half her height. He peered up at the Imp. Samwise gestured impatiently.

  "When it's done, Gurn, I have told you that a thousand times."

  "And I will ask you a thousand more times, on behalf of my lady. She would like to see it finished long before she needs it. So . . . when will it be ready?"

  I felt my stomach churn. Gurn had a face like a handful of squashed dung. No, that didn't come close to approximating the misshapen quality of his features. Each looked as if it had been designed by a sculptor with less than no talent and who had failed to communicate what he was doing to the others. I thought I was used to ugly. After all, I hung out with Pervects. But Gurn was something above and beyond the dictionary definition, a degree past where two drunken master magicians would have kept daring one another to go. It actually hurt to look at him. He leered at me.

  "So you are on a big crunch to complete this enterprise, Klahd?" he asked. "Do you think it will be done in your lifetime?"

  "If Samwise says it will, then it will," I stated boldly, not knowing whether or not it was true. The Imp had

  been notably vague on his estimate of a completion date of this or any other pyramid in his plans.

  "Her majesty is not accustomed to lies and half-measures."

  "So, she doesn't have anything to do with politics at all?" Aahz asked innocently.

  "I don't deal with politicians, either, Pervert." "Per-vect!"

  Gurn looked up at him and wiggled his hand back and forth. "Not so much. Do you have an answer for her majesty?"

  "Do you, Sober-faced one?" Suzal asked. "My favored Imp here is coy with his answers. I would like to see my stone erected in as little time as it took that excrescence there to the east to be completed."

  "And how long was that?" I asked, curiously.

  "Five years and two days," said Gurn. "How about it?"

  "Well, your majesty," Samwise said, fingering his collar and sweating more than the heat might account for, "my financing is of a cooperative nature. Diksen was able to pay for his entire bloc by himself. ..."

  "Perhaps, majesty, you were not wise to give a license to an underfunded architect," Gurn said, his voice velvety with menace. "I see it—one day he will come crawling to you for alms to complete your own monument."

  Aahz slapped him on the back and sent him staggering. "I can tell we're not gonna like each other, pal. Come on back again some time. When we're not here."

  "Sober-faced one, do not abuse my courtier," Suzal chided him in her soft voice.

  "Looks like Mother Nature did the job for me, majesty," Aahz said. "But if that's what you want, who am I to refuse you?"

  I stepped in. "I bet you'd like to see how the project is going, your majesty. May I escort you around the site?"

  "You may," Suzal said. She lifted a finger, and two of the Sphinxes separated themselves from the others. They brought over a sedan chair with poles sticking out to either side. The queen stepped into it. The Sphinxes fluttered their wings, and the structure hovered three feet off the ground. Using a coil of magik, I pushed off from the ground and followed. To my dismay Gurn clambered onto the leg of the queen's mini-chair, scaled up, and made himself comfortable on her chair arm. I frowned at him. He leered at me, or perhaps that was just the way his face worked.

  "You think I don't belong here, do you?" Gurn asked.

  "I think your head's higher than the pharaoh," I commented mildly. "When I was last a court magician, the queen just hated that."

  To my surprise, Gurn hunkered down a few inches.

  I decided he wasn't all bad. After all, he didn't work for me.

  "You were a court magician, O Klahd?" Suzal asked. "Tell me which of my sister monarchs you served."

  "Hemlock of Possiltum2," I replied.

  Suzal nodded. "I have met her at the Royals and Despots Convention in Zoorik."

  "Uh, how did she look?"

  "Imperious."

  "Uh, that's good."

  I fell silent, not wanting to say the wrong thing about my former employer. We had since gotten on better terms than when I left the job, and Suzal might be a friend of hers.

  The queen's chair headed up and I followed.

  It took no time to rise above the finished layer of stones.

  "Uh, as you can see, your majesty, we're up to level three."

  1 did a quick calculation. "Only eighty-six stones to go, then we can move on to level four."

  "That's nice," she said absently. She was staring over her shoulder at Diksen's pyramid and let out a heartfelt sigh of longing. Everyone reacted like that. Poor Samwise had a tough act to follow.

  "I doubt that your master could ever produce anything as well-proportioned or sleek as that," Gurn said to me. "I mistrust his skills. Stolen dreams never prosper."

  "His dreams aren't stolen," I said. "And it'll be great, you'll see."

  "I command that we should go down," Suzal said suddenly. "I do not feel well."

  Her lovely skin had taken on a green tinge, and small drops of sweat dotted her brow. Gurn shouted an order to the Sphinxes, who wheeled around and headed for the carriage.

  "Make way for the royal ejecta!" Gurn bellowed as we landed. Aahz looked up from his talk with one of the Sphinxes at the cry.

  The mini-chair landed as softly as a leaf falling, impressive under the circumstances. Scantily clad ladies in waiting hustled toward their mistress. One held a bejeweled golden vessel shaped like a pail. Eight others bore fans made of enormous white plumes. Suzal staggered somewhat ungracefully from the small chair toward the girl with the bucket. The others surrounded her, shielding her from view, but the sounds that issued from within the makeshift place of concealment were unmistakable. I felt sorry for her.

  "Is she usually airsick?" I asked Gurn.

  "Never," he said, frowning. "She has always had a magnificent head for heights."

  "Rest of her's not bad, either," Aahz commented.

  "It is only recently that these spells overtake her. Our court magician is baffled. I see your master's hand in this."

  "He's not my master, he's a business associate," Aahz said. "Making queens sick is not in my job description." "Then you must be freelancing.
"

  "Look, pup, if seeing you every day doesn't make her sick, then a face like mine's not going to affect her. You heard what she called me. Noble." I could tell Aahz liked that.

  Gurn wasn't convinced. "Because she's delirious."

  Samwise bustled up, frantic. As soon as the queen emerged from her place of concealment, he tried to usher her into his office.

  "I think not, kind Samwise," Suzal said, applying the back of her hand delicately to her forehead. "I wish to return to my palace. I thank you for the tour, Master Wizard," she added, with a wan smile at me. "You will be welcome if you should choose to visit."

  "I'd be honored," I said.

  The ladies helped Suzal up the golden steps to her seat and fussed over her with cold drinks and more fanning. I wanted to talk to Chumley, but he gave me a warning look. Instead, I went to join Aahz. The Sphinx lay on its belly with its tail wrapped around its haunches. Lying down, its head was still higher than my own.

  "This is the partner I told you about," Aahz said to the Sphinx. "Skeeve, meet Tweety."

  "Tweety?" I asked, astonished, looking at the huge creature. He outweighed me and Aahz put together. "Uh, is it an old family name?"

  Tweety eyed me. "What is it that is dark in the morning, pale at noon, and gone by sunset?"

  Aahz looked concerned. "You'd better answer him, kid. It's an important test. Sphinxes don't like people who can't solve their riddles."

  "What happens if I can't answer him?" I asked.

  "I eat you," Tweety said simply, compelling golden eyes fixed on mine. "Please answer the question."

  I looked down at the curved yellow claws of his front paws curled on the flagstones just inches from my feet. I felt panic rising in my stomach. My brain couldn't fix on a single coherent word. What object fit all the qualifications in his riddle? I didn't want to be eaten. But Aahz wouldn't have introduced me to Tweety if he wasn't confident I could pass the test, of that I was certain. It sounded like a riddle that I had heard when I was a child. I ran a hand through my hair, trying to think.

  That was it!

  "H-hair," I stammered out, hoping I was right. I braced myself, ready to pop out of Ghordon if he came after me.

  The Sphinx opened his mouth to show two rows of sharp teeth and leaned close. I cringed. Then he grinned.

  "Well done!" Tweety roared. "Now you're part of the family. You can ask me anything any time. Happy to be of service. We pick up a lot of information other people might not have. By the way, Tweety was my dad's name, too." The Sphinx rose and clapped Aahz on the back with one huge lion's paw. "Good to see you, Aahz. Too bad about the Magicians' Club, huh? Tough luck."

  "Yeah," Aahz said sourly. "Maybe I won't bother getting it straightened out. Who needs them?"

  "No one, really," the Sphinx said. "I just like to have a place to hang out with my fellow 'users, swap

  spells and lies when I'm in Vaygus, that's all. Hey, come on down to my lair and have a drink, now that you're in town. You come, too,

  Skeeve. I live on one of the Pharaoh Islands. Ask anyone, they'll tell you how to find me."

  Aahz nodded. "Don't mind if I do. See ya, Tweety."

  "See you, Aahzmandius. Got to go."

  The Sphinx returned to his place and attached his harness. At a signal from the flyer at the front left corner of the carriage, they all spread their wings and pulled forward. The carriage lifted off the ground.

  "What about the Magicians' Club?" I asked.

  "Nothing, kid," Aahz said, with the kind of expression that told me not to push it.3 "Nothing. Dammit, what are the odds that the only Sphinx in the entire membership roster has to turn up like that? It means everyone's heard."

  "Did he bring you bad news?"

  "Nah. I knew already. Just reminding me of a humility lesson I didn't need." He watched the carriage depart, sailing over the sands like a shadow. "What in Crom's name is Chumley doing here?"

  Chapter 10

  "Sometimes a dinner is just a dinner."

  —T. Jones

  "Ready?" I asked, extending my arm to Tananda.

  "Ready," she said, smiling a little uncertainly.

  I was nervous, too. I had set everything up in advance for our evening out, and I hoped the arrangements would please her. I wore an open-necked shirt in a deep slate blue that Bunny thought was my best-looking shirt, and sand-colored trousers. I had resisted the impulse to wear my favorite shoes, the ones with the toes that curled over twice before terminating in tiny bells. Instead, I had a pair of comfortable ankle-high boots in case I needed to do any fetching and carrying for her.

  Speaking of fetching, Tananda wore a low-cut dress of green fabric so thin that it looked as if it had been painted on her but remained opaque. I scanned it for magik, but it must just have been a master weaver's accomplishment. The skirt was not as short as she normally wore, but it flared with each step, revealing a bewitching glimpse of knees. Tananda's were worth looking at, no matter what. The shoes were a puzzle to me, as most women's shoes were. Why anyone would bind themselves into a network of narrow straps on top of an acute slope of sole attached to a heel no wider than my little finger was a mystery I didn't understand. You couldn't run away in them. The narrow sole made it awkward to stand on one foot to use the stiletto for a weapon. Still, they made her legs look even more attractive than ever.

  I escorted her out of the flap of the M.Y.T.H., Inc., tent and helped her into a chuckshaw, a local two-wheeled vehicle that was pulled by a team of Soxen, one red and one white. They trundled down the streets of the Bazaar, kicking up dust and emitting the kind of flatulence that you'd expect from large

  herdbeasts. I had paid them to keep from defecating until after they had dropped us off. That would spoil the mood I hoped to achieve. As evening settled over the Bazaar, the air remained stiflingly hot. It would take an hour after the sun went down before the desert cooled. Coming from the temperate climate of the dimension of my birth, I still marveled at the extremes of living in a desert.

  I chatted about this observation and compared it with conditions in Ghordon.

  "It's funny how alike they are," I commented. "I'm used to dimensions being really different from one another. If you'd asked me before I left Klah for the first time, I would have said there was only one way for a climate to behave, but I like the variety. What is the weather like in Trollia?"

  "Different," Tananda said, unexpectedly terse.

  As Tananda sat against me in the curved but not adequately padded seat, I could feel the tension in her body. For someone who came from a race of beings who enjoyed— no, actively sought out—intimate contact with others, her behavior was unnatural. I hoped by the end of the evening she would relax. Perhaps a gift would improve her mood.

  "Here," I said, pulling a small box out from behind me and setting it in her lap. She looked through the clear top at the contents. White blossoms of nested oblong petals lay clustered on curling, blue-green foliage.

  "Flowers?" she asked weakly.

  "Squizzias," I said. "They're rare flowers from Klah. They smell really nice. My mother used to grow them in the front garden of our farm house. They're her favorite. I hoped you'd like them, too."

  "I'm . . . honored," Tananda said. She opened the box and lifted the blossoms to her cheek. "Mmm. They smell delicious."

  "Shall I help you pin it on?" I asked. The Deveel florist in the Bazaar had given me pretty specific instructions on how not to puncture my date with the pin. He had let me try out the lethal-looking metal skewer several times on a dummy he kept in its shop for that purpose. When it stopped saying "ouch," I found I had become pretty expert at attaching corsages. Tananda fended off my helpful hands.

  "No, thanks, honey. I'll take care of it." With deft fingers, she attached the cluster of flowers to her bodice high on her shoulder. I admired the effect. She was really beautiful. I never forgot that—I'm still breathing—but sometimes it just struck me like a sack of rocks.

  "That looks nice on you,"
I stammered out.

  For the first time I could recall since I met her, Tananda blushed. Her cheeks bloomed slightly green. Instead of commenting on it, I told her about the pyramid complex, without going into a discussion of the problems or the suspicions Aahz and I had about their source. You never knew if the Soxen were in the pay of any Deveel hoping to pick up useful information from people who forgot that the cab had ears.

  Before I knew it, we had arrived. Le Mouton Suprisee had a long line waiting to be seated. I handed Tananda down from the chuckshaw and escorted her boldly past the line of dapper Deveels and their dates. Some of the customers gave us dirty looks, some looks of envy, and some both. I didn't acknowledge any of them, concentrating on getting Tananda safely inside.

  "Mister Skeeve! How wonderful to see you this evening! And the lovely lady!"

  The maitre d', who had responded to a little early bribery in the way of all good servers, seated us with

  effusion at the table I had chosen earlier: near the front window, in between a couple of potted plants to give us the greatest possible privacy while we watched the nightly perambulations of the Bazaar outside. He furnished us with leather-bound menus and bowed himself away to wait on the next good client. I smiled. So far, everything was working out as I had planned it.

  Over the top of her menu, Tanda raised an eyebrow at me.

  "Is there anything you think I should choose?"

  "Nope," I said expansively. "Try whatever you like." I read down the list to make my own selection. The prices made my inner farm-boy choke, but my modern, executive magician self had plenty of money and a willingness to give enjoyment to my guest. The menu of Le Mouton Surprisee listed every kind of elegant dish I had ever heard of, plus hundreds of things I hadn't in its crisp parchment pages

  Next in the line of employees who would expected tips was the wine steward, a female Deveel wearing her badge of office, a silver tasting cup on a chain around her neck. In the past, my knowledge of wine was limited to what didn't taste bad enough to spit out. I had since learned to pay more attention to quality, as I limited myself to one glass per night. That, I promised myself, would be the case this evening, no matter how nervous I was.