Myth-Fortunes m-19

by Robert Asprin

  And I was nervous. I was controlling myself from shaking with a solid dollop of magik. I wondered if Tananda could tell. She knew me better than almost anyone. It mattered to me to make this evening special.

  "What do you recommend?" I asked.

  That was the wrong question.

  "Well, sir," the sommelier said, beaming, "I am so glad you asked." She launched into a lecture on grapes, slopes, sun, brix—which I had always thought of as an uncomfortable operation—age, barrels and a whole lot of other esoteric information which would have been more useful had I planned to go into winemaking instead of wine-drinking. I needed to take control of the situation. Tananda couldn't help grinning mischievously at the expression on my face.

  I held up my hands to stem the outburst.

  "Hold on!" I said. "If you offer classes, I'll come and take one someday. In the meanwhile, what's the least I need to know to order something that will taste good with the food here?"

  "Are you planning to order meat, fish, reptile, fowl, insect or other?" the Deveel woman asked. "That's the least J need to know to recommend a wine."

  "Fish," Tananda said.

  "Me, too," I said.

  "Then a white or a green would be your best choice."

  I grinned at Tananda. "I think we'd like a nice green from somewhere in the middle of your list. We've got a green theme going, and I think it'd be fun to continue."

  For some reason my joke made Tananda blush again.

  "As you wish, sir." The Deveel held out her palm. I dropped a tip into it, not too much or too little, I

  hoped. She seemed pleased by it, or as pleased as any Deveel was to get a portion of the contents of your money pouch instead of the whole amount. She snapped her fingers. In an instant, a brown glass bottle and a pair of tall, delicate wine glasses floated gently toward us. The wine steward plucked the bottle from the air, ran her talon around the foil seal, and extracted the cork, all with one hand. I almost applauded. She poured a little for each of us. I tasted it. The pale green wine was as unlike my normal tipple as could be.

  "This is great," I said.

  "Mmm," Tananda agreed.

  After filling our glasses, the Deveel withdrew discreetly, to be replaced by a young Imp who supplied us with bread (woven basket) and water (cut crystal pitcher), the elderly Deveel who snapped open our napkins and set them on our laps, the pair of young, perky girls who replaced our table settings with a whole new set of plates, cutlery, and glasses, all of whom extended their palms to me before or after service was rendered. At last, an unctuous male Deveel appeared armed with a gleaming ivory square and a pencil. He bowed to Tanda, then to me.

  "May I have your orders, sir and madame?"

  After some urging from me, Tananda went down the menu with a hunter's eye. I followed her example, ordering appetizer, soup, salad, and one of the fish dishes. I had never heard the name before, but if the food was anything like the wine, I was in for a treat.

  "And, sir," the waiter said, "it is green. As sir has expressed his preference, we wish to please."

  That made me blush. He withdrew, bowing. Tananda let out a low chuckle that only I could hear. I hope. I covered my embarrassment by blurting out conversation.

  "I. . . er . . . got a message from Chumley today," I said.

  Tanda's eyes went wide, and she looked around. There was a discreet screen of magik between each table intended to mute sound. I realized I could scarcely hear the diners nearest to us. She turned back and whispered, "You did?"

  I felt awkward. Maybe I shouldn't have mentioned it. "Uh, yeah. I, uh, heard he's fine. Enjoying the weather."

  Tananda's mouth curved in a rueful smile. "I'm happy to hear that. I do worry about Big Brother when he's out of my sight. You know I couldn't tell you where he goes. As far as I know, it doesn't interfere with anyone else's assignment."

  "I don't think so, either, but it's always good to know he's . . . around."

  If I had said I had seen him in Ghordon, I might blow his cover. I had no idea if his assignment was dangerous, but I was utterly unwilling to put Chumley or any of my friends in danger.

  "Well, tell him I love him the next time you send him a message," Tanda said. She smiled at me. "Big Brother and I are so glad you're back in town. I know I visited the inn once in a while, but it hasn't been the same."

  "I know," I said. "I felt that way, too. It took a while before I was ready to come back. Then I almost ruined everything when I did."

  "Don't beat yourself up, tiger. We'd all been thinking about you so much that it took us a moment to realize what your return meant. I'm glad that it worked out."

  "Bunny seems to be handling the presidency well. Better than I ever could."

  "Family training," Tananda said, "although she told me the titles generally get passed to a male heir. Not always, of course. She's nervous about making sure the business runs smoothly."

  "Gosh, you could never tell she was nervous," I said.

  "Oh, she is! She wants to get everything right. I keep telling her that we trust her. She doesn't have to try so hard."

  I smiled. "She's one of the most competent people I know, present company excepted."

  Tananda grinned. "Thanks, but you don't have to compliment me. I like my job. When the gang broke up the first time, I did some freelance assignments, and a few with Big Brother, but I missed the camaraderie. I've really never been so close to anyone in my life who wasn't family."

  "Me, neither," I said, looking deeply into her eyes.

  An uneasy silence fell. I was almost grateful when a Deveelish maiden brought a bowl and towels for us to wash our hands. A chandler arrived to trim the wicks of the candles on our table. The appetizers, Deveelish dancing dumplings, arrived. By then, the awkward moment had passed.

  That would have been a good time to bring up the subject of Aahz's health. Then I had a good look around the restaurant, and realized I couldn't. It wasn't just Tananda's discomfort, though that was a big part of it. Instead, I asked her about growing up on Trollia. She didn't mind talking about her childhood. I found it an eye-opening conversation. I asked a few leading questions and listened with fascination while she did most of the talking. Finally, she was relaxed enough to laugh. We started to lean closer and closer to one another. I admired the shape of her face, the charm of her features.

  "Madame and sir, the soup," a Deveel server announced. We sprang back, I very reluctantly.

  The food was every bit as good as Nunzio had said. I enjoyed all the courses. I couldn't have described what was different about the taste of the fish from all the ones I had eaten before, but it was better. The service was unbelievably smooth. Our empty plates were whisked away without a fuss, by magik. No crumb ever marred the perfection of the white tablecloth for more than a moment. Our glasses always held exactly the right amount of wine.

  At last, time came for dessert. Over the years, I had learned some of Tananda's likes and dislikes, including her favorite flavors. When I had discussed her tastes with the maitre d', he had laughed as if I had just told him a good dirty joke and given me a lascivious wink. I hoped the dish wasn't an obscene suggestion of some kind.

  I watched her face as the dessert arrived. To me, the rounded shapes in the dish didn't seem suggestive of body parts or anything I could construe as objectionable.

  "Passionfruit and angelberry sundaes!" Tananda said. She looked delighted, which made me feel great.

  The wine steward appeared once more, to pour a lighter vintage than the one that had accompanied the savory courses of the meal. It went down pretty smoothly, too.

  "I hope you're enjoying yourself," I said, reaching out to touch Tananda's hand. She held very still.

  "I am, Skeeve. I can't tell you how much."

  "That's great." I looked into her eyes. They were a lighter green than her hair, almost like tourmalines. "I've been hoping for a chance like this for a really long time. I'm really happy that you said you would come out with me."

 
"Skeeve ..." Tananda looked at me searchingly. "You know, I'm a lot older than you are."

  "That doesn't matter," I said. "Honest. That's never mattered between us. Has it? At least I don't think it matters."

  Tananda drew her hand back. "But it matters to me. And, actually, I'm seeing someone. ..."

  "That shouldn't make any difference to us, not here and now."

  Tananda tried again. "I don't know how to tell you this, Skeeve—don't get me wrong: this was a wonderful date, and you were so sweet to ask me—but, well, you have to know that nothing would ever work out between us. I know this hurts a lot of guys' egos, but I've always thought of you as the little brother I never had."

  I whistled. Patrons at nearby tables turned to stare at me. "That's great!" I exclaimed. "That's perfect!"

  Tananda blinked. "It is?"

  "Oh, well, yeah." I couldn't believe how relieved I felt. "That's just how I hoped you would feel. I mean, I have tried going out before, like with Cassandra4. Things just went too fast. I never got to know her; and, well, you know what happened. Everyone knew. It was a big mistake. I made a fool of myself, and I didn't handle it well. None of my attempts to find a girlfriend have worked out. The problem is that I just didn't have a lot of experience dating while I was growing up on Klah. If you don't mind, I could really use your advice on how to treat a woman the way she wants to be treated. There just aren't a lot of people I can trust with this sort of thing. I mean, to everyone else I'm supposed to be the Great Skeeve. I should know everything, and I don't. I knew you'd tell me the truth, because you're one of my best friends. I've always prized your honesty. Give it to me straight: how'm I doing?"

  Tananda threw back her head and laughed. "Oh, Skeeve, you don't know how much you worried me. How much you worried all of us."

  I grinned. "I know. I can see Aahz back there in the corner trying to pretend he's a potted plant. That's Massha and General Badaxe in the front table. They might be disguised as Deveels, but look at the way the tables on either side of them are pushed out to give them enough room. Bunny brought our entrees. You couldn't conceal the way she walks with any kind of illusion. And Guido's in the kitchen, isn't he?"

  Tananda's eyebrows flew up. "How do you know?"

  I drew the miniature crossbow quarrel out of my folded napkin and held it up. "This was in my soup. I've picked birdshot out of game hens, but you don't have to shoot squash."

  "I guess the jig is up," Tananda said, looking sheepish. "We were just concerned about you."

  "I appreciate it," I said. "You didn't think . . . ?"

  The look on her face said she had, but she said, "I hoped not, but I didn't want to refuse automatically before I knew what you wanted. I had to give you a chance. You're one of my best friends, too." She leaned over and kissed me. The potted plant in the corner rustled fiercely. Tananda drew back and laughed again. She beckoned to it, and Aahz emerged with all the finesse of a child who didn't want to be kissed wrestling his way out of his great-aunt's grasp. He stalked over to a nearby table and sat down at it as if he had just taken a wrong turn coming from the men's room. I shook my head.

  "How'd everyone know where to come? I didn't tell you the name of the restaurant. It was meant to be a big surprise."

  Tananda looked a little embarrassed. "You asked Nunzio for recommendations on good places to eat. If there's one thing the Mob knows, it's good food."

  "He told you?" I asked, dismayed.

  "No. He respected your confidence. He didn't want to say specifically, but we narrowed it down based on where you said it was. You noticed everyone else left this evening before we did."

  I lifted my shoulders sheepishly. "I guess I did, but I didn't think about it. They came out here first to spy on us?"

  "Maybe a little," Tananda admitted. "That's not the only reason. We have to look out for each other. We've got some open investigations, and the proponents might just consider it a Crom-send if one or two of us were out in plain sight alone. Not that we all can't take care of ourselves," she added. "You must have noticed how Aahz never sits with his back to a door or a window. You've been doing it since you started hanging out with him, too. It's just smart planning."

  I nodded. "See? One more thing I didn't think of but I have to take into account. We're in a high-risk business. We have enemies. We've got assets. I've got to think about my date's safety as well as whether she's enjoying herself."

  "So is there a name to that 'she'?" Tananda asked, her bright green eyes narrowing into merry crinkles.

  "No," I said honestly. "Nobody."

  "You don't have anyone in mind right now?" Tananda wheedled. "Really? I mean, it isn't any of my business if you do."

  "No, I swear. I just wanted to get some experience taking someone out and showing her a good time. If you don't mind. Now that Bunny's my boss, I thought it would be out of place to ask her. Massha's married. Pookie doesn't give the kind of advice that really works for me."

  "You do tackle everything as if it was a magik lesson, don't you?"

  I felt my cheeks burn. "I'm not trying to be calculating. I'm just so good at falling over my own feet. It makes me nervous enough when I meet a pretty girl. I'd like to look like I know what I'm doing. I mean, to a certain extent." I was horrified, worrying that she might think that I would push things too far. But I should have trusted her.

  Tananda smiled gently and put her hand back on mine. "I understand exactly what you mean. Believe me, girls feel the same way."

  "Really?"

  "Really. Do you want me to fix you up with anyone? I've got a cousin about your age who's a lot of fun. You could try out your skills on a real date."

  I held up my hands. "No, thanks, not yet. I'm not looking at the moment. If it happens, it happens. Besides, I had fun. Did you?"

  "Yes, I did," Tananda said. "It was wonderful. Thank you, Skeeve. I guess we both learned something this evening."

  "Then would you be willing to go out with me again? As a friend and advisor?"

  "Any time, tiger," she said, lowering her eyelids so she could look at me through her lashes. "You don't need any advice from me, not really. If you need a testimonial for some lucky lady, just let me know."

  I floated away from the restaurant happily. That night, I had great dreams.

  Chapter 11

  "Would I steer you wrong?"

  —E. Ponzi

  When Aahz and I left for Ghordon the next day, the subject of my date with Tananda was off the table by tacit agreement. I was pretty sure all of my partners had heard everything we had said to each other. On the one hand, I was a little embarrassed that my attempts to learn how to date had become a spectacle viewed by almost the whole group. On the other, having it known among my partners was not exactly public knowledge. It made me feel good to know that they cared about me enough to make certain I wasn't making a huge mistake. Not that I hadn't dreamed about finding someone like Tananda, but as I had said, and meant, she was the big sister who always told me the truth. I was lucky to have her and the others on my side. They'd all given me good advice on relationships before, but not really on how to get one started. As in so many other things, I needed to go back to square one and relearn the process from scratch. Fortunately, I had good as well as bad examples all around me.

  The sun was just peeking over the eastern mountains when we popped into the building site. Ghords arrived on Camel-back, flying carpet, or hanging on to one another in a string trailed by a flying Sphinx.

  "I always hated commuting," Aahz commented, watching the fliers descend onto the long pier. But these were frequent fliers, accustomed to the discomfort of their transit. They bent their legs just before they touched down so they didn't hurt their ankles, though the odd, squarish way they held their shoulders suggested that hanging from their arms all the way from the main city of Aegis threw their backs out somewhat.

  The Scarabs were already there, burrowing upward in huge numbers. They lived just below the surface of the sand where it was cool
. They were already at the tiny shrines that represented their ancestors, singing high-pitched snatches of verse, lighting incense, pouring out drops of beer and sacrificing berries to placate the Ancients into blessing their workday.

  "Quaint," said Aahz, dryly. "C'mon, I want to talk to Beltasar before she gets going."

  It was not difficult to locate the shop steward. She was at the center of a swarm of circulating Scarabs, all buzzing with orders as well as gossip.

  She noticed Aahz as we approached. "Your framework is on the agenda."

  "I've got a potential client stopping in around lunchtime. Will it be ready by then?"

  "By morning break, if the magician has no trouble," the Scarab assured him. "Do you question our competence? I only have four hands!"

  "Don't get your wings in a wringer," Aahz said. "Just trying to drum up some business."

  "Who is it?" I asked, as we headed for the office building.

  "An old acquaintance from Perv," Aahz said. "Bendix owns a law firm. Thought he'd like to take a look around. I'm not going in for the hard sell. Shouldn't have to. A deal this good will sell itself."

  But Bendix was not as easily persuaded as Aahz thought he would. We stood at the top of the new invisible framework overlooking the unfinished pyramid. As Beltasar had promised, though the spells left the staff magicians panting, it was completed in time. Aahz had borrowed the illusion wand from Samwise, and pointed out all the future attractions of the site to Bendix, but the Pervish lawyer kept coming back to the same point.

  "So you want me to invest in a big piece of nothing?" Bendix asked, as if astonished that he should even have to ask. He was taller and thinner than Aahz, almost as tall as me. His lower jaw thrust forward and his brow crouched over his eyes so he always looked as though he was scowling. At the moment, he was scowling. So was Aahz.