Myth-Fortunes m-19

by Robert Asprin

  I went up to a big man with gray temples who looked the most familiar.

  "Excuse me," I said, "but aren't you from Possiltum?"

  The man's face broke into a wide smile. "Lord Skeeve?" he asked. "Good to see you again! I bet you don't remember me: Corporal Sangmeister? Lord Aahz said you were gone forever!"

  I groaned. Aahz had called in not only the cavalry, but the former infantry. "Who's commanding you?"

  Sangmeister aimed a thumb over his shoulder. "We're all retired now, sir, but General Badaxe is in there with Aahz. They're planning some kind of invasion. ..."

  "General Badaxe . . . ? I'd better get in there!"

  I strode toward the And Company office building, getting more worried as I went. He had already enlisted Tweety and, I bet, Chumley, to assist in searching for me. Now he had called in a wall of muscle.

  "I shall come with you, O Skeeve," King See-Ker said. His long legs easily kept up with my hasty stride. The shorter attendants hurried in our wake, a couple of them still trying to fan their master as they ran.

  My appearance surprised the office staff. I fended off their good wishes and anxious expressions of concern.

  "Where's Aahz?" I asked.

  "He is in conference," said Miss Tauret, pointing the way toward our office. I glanced down the hallway. Tweety the Sphinx didn't fit all the way. His leonine backside and broad wings were halfway out of the room, which meant there was a big crowd in our spacious atelier. "He doesn't want to be disturbed. He is planning something dire, I fear." Her usually cheerful face was woeful.

  Revenge against Diksen, I guessed.

  "It'll be okay now that I'm back," I assured her.

  I peeked over the Sphinx's rump into the room. I knew most of the faces. Aahz had called in some pretty big guns. Perched on an architect's stool much too small for his sizeable backside was Hugh Badaxe,

  general of the queen's troops, of Possiltum. Beside him, still clutching a bright orange handkerchief in her large hand, was Massha, my former apprentice and present Royal Magician. Mascara ran down her large face in black rivulets. She didn't seem to care. Chumley, in headcloth and kilt, offered suggestions from a corner where he would not overpower smaller members of Aahz's cabal. His purple fur drooped.

  The small figure sitting on top of the drawing table with one knee over the other was Markie. She looked like a very small Klahdish child, but she was actually an adult from a dimension called Cupid, where the people were small and soft-fleshed. I knew from experience that she was capable of wreaking intense havoc wherever she went. She was there as Aahz's magikal firepower.

  Markie felt she owed M.Y.T.H., Inc., several favors: first, for not outing her as a psychological hit woman, and second, for offering friendship after all she had done to us. I had even made use of her particular talents in helping to train my magik students (see CDM). She and I got along very well . . . now.

  Aahz paraded up and back before his cobbled-together fighting force.

  "... The idea," Aahz was saying, "is to take the place to pieces and deal with his defenses from too many angles for him to react coherently to any one of them. Diksen gets no quarter from me. Markie, you've seen the bubble. Can you break it down?"

  "You bet I can," the Cupy said, her small face grim. "That magician did in one of the most decent people who ever lived. I have to admit, air magik is really my strongest suit, but I can handle water, no problem."

  "Good," Aahz said. "Land those fighting fish on the ground. Badaxe's people on Camel-back can handle them once they hit the sand. Unless they sink. Which wouldn't make me cry at all."

  "Look, Aahz," Guido said, "fightin's not the first solution."

  "What? Diplomacy? And listen to him lie to us again?" Aahz snarled. Guido subsided, shaking his head. Aahz in full flame was more terrifying than a dragon.

  "I must concur," Chumley said, holding up a purple forefinger. "Did he actually lie to you? And who caused him to call for his guards? Anyone would react to a forceful approach."

  "Chumley! I thought you were on my side!" Aahz said.

  "I am, old chap. I am on the side of the truth, which could be a more potent weapon against Diksen's resistance than any of muscle, steel, or magik."

  "The truth?" Aahz echoed. "The truth is that I am going to get even with Diksen. His secretary said he couldn't help, even after I went back and told her what happened. What he did ..." His voice trailed off. "I don't care what happens. I want that guy's ball crushed!"

  I had to get in there. I tried pushing past the Sphinx, but he might as well have been made of stone. I clambered up on his flanks.

  "Sorry," I said, as Tweety turned to give me a look of outrage that swiftly turned to one of astonishment and delight.

  "Skeeve!" he said. He let me slide down his forepaw.

  Massha spotted me. She gawked and poked General Badaxe. He was intent on Aahz and didn't notice.

  Samwise was jammed into a spot between Tweety and a bench on which Guido and Nunzio sat with their arms folded. I slid into him when I clambered down the Sphinx's shoulder to the floor.

  "Skeeve!" he exclaimed, grabbing my hand and pumping

  it.

  "Skeeve," Aahz said, rounding on Samwise. "Who did you think we were talking about all this time? I want revenge! That guy's gonna pay.

  "Aahz," I said, waving a hand for his attention. "Aahz!"

  "What?"

  He turned to confront me, and his yellow-veined eyes widened.

  "I'm okay," I said.

  Chapter 22

  "Diplomacy is the practice of saying 'nice doggie' until you can find a rock."

  —W. Rogers6

  In short order, I suffered a big hug from Chumley and stifling embraces from the general, from all the office girls, and some of the construction staff. Massha and Markie enveloped me in a solid group hug, Massha like an all-over massage with a fluffy pillow, and Markie a tourniquet around the knees. "Are you okay?" Massha asked.

  "I'm fine," I assured her. "I just took a little trip I wasn't expecting."

  Massha threw her big arms around me again. "Don't ever scare me like that! I think I lost eighty pounds!"

  Guido and Nunzio pumped my hand until I thought it was going to fall off in spite of the bandages. Everybody in the whole And Company building came to slap my back, embrace me, or shake hands. Everyone, that is, except Aahz. When everybody else finished welcoming me home, I looked at Aahz and spread out my hands sheepishly.

  Aahz looked me up and down and glared. "How badly hurt are you?" he asked.

  "I'm not hurt," I said. "I got a little bruised falling down through the sand, but I think that was from hitting some of the rocks hidden in the slowsands. The currents are really strong. But Lower Aegis is great. You'd like it down there."

  Aahz pursed his lips. "If you're not hurt, then what are all those bandages for?"

  "Oh!" I said, looking down at my attire. "These are for warmth. It's cold in Necropolis. Pretty nice, huh?"

  "Dandy," Aahz said, in a peevish voice. "You couldn't have gotten a message to me? Not one crummy note to let me know that you were alive? So I didn't worry myself into a complete frenzy and make a fool of myself in front of everyone I knew?"

  "That is my fault," said the king, raising his hand from his spot in the hallway. He was so tall he could be

  seen over the head of the Sphinx. Tweety backed out so that the king could make his way into the crowded conference room. The servants with fans scrambled in behind him and started to flap their palm fronds over their master's head.

  "Who are you?" Aahz demanded. His head reached the middle of the king's prominent breastbone. The king looked down at him with his shiny black eyes.

  "I am See-Ker, lord of Lower Aegis. I confess that I had everybody who could have taken a message to you engaged upon festivities to celebrate our recovery of your friend. He is a fine fellow. We of Lower Aegis are proud to know him." He nodded to Chumley, who bowed back. "I am glad to see you, wise Lord Wat-Is-Et." />
  "As I you, O See-Ker, sailor of the Lunar Boat. I am sorry to have missed you in your lovely realm."

  "Fine," Aahz said, waving his hand in dismissal. "Now, if the mutual admiration society is done with its meeting, I've got an invasion to plan!"

  "But I'm safe!" I protested. "You don't have to go attack Diksen now!"

  "Sure I do," Aahz said, scowling. "The bum put a curse on my construction project. He is costing me a fortune every single day it's in force!"

  "Turns on a silver coin," Badaxe said, shaking his head. "Aahz, it's not necessary."

  "No, indeed," See-Ker said. "I will intervene with Diksen for you."

  "You?" Aahz asked, looking the king up and down. "Thanks a heap for giving my partner a lift home, and goodbye. No offense, skinny, but you're butting into a situation that's none of your business."

  See-Ker was more amused than insulted by Aahz's attitude.

  "You are wrong when you say it is none of my business," he said. "First, your partner is now a friend of my nation. Second, it is the concern of all intelligent beings to avoid unnecessary harm to one another. Third, Diksen's family comes from Lower Aegis, so it may be said that he is as much my subject as that of her majesty, the Pharaoh Suzal. I can tell you what I know of his plans and aspirations."

  The third reason made Aahz perk up his ears.

  "Okay," he said grudgingly. "Have a seat, majesty. Tell me what you know." Guido and Nunzio hastily vacated their bench for SeeKer. The slender king took up less than a third of it widthwise than they had.

  "What could he possibly tell you that I couldn't tell you, Aahz?" Samwise wheedled, as the king's minions took their place behind him with fans and at his feet with a tray holding a pitcher and golden goblet. He blocked Aahz's path. "Don't listen to this guy. I'm the one who used to work for him."

  "And you said, you don't know anything." Aahz moved him to one side. "I want to hear it from a different source."

  "But Aahz!" Samwise interposed himself again.

  Aahz looked him in the eye. "Are you telling me there's something you don't want him to tell me? Are you keeping secrets?"

  "What, like you don't have any magikal powers anymore?" Samwise sneered.

  A low gasp echoed around the room. I started forward to prevent Aahz from ripping Samwise's head off for the insult. Instead Aahz folded his arms. I stood back, impressed. Aahz didn't even raise his voice.

  "I brought you a competent magician, didn't I? Did you lose a single coin from me? No! I brought you more business. You've had my expertise and my advice, which is what you asked for. Do you want more than that?"

  Samwise sighed. "No, I guess not." He sat down on a chair and put his head in his hands.

  "Okay, your Majesty," Aahz said. "Give. What's eating Diksen?"

  "He has an artist's soul," See-Ker said. "He is sensitive by nature."

  "Yeah, I could just tell that by the way he threw us out of his office," Aahz said. "I'm beginning to figure out what went wrong here. What evidence can you add?"

  "I do not deny that Diksen has a competitive nature. The pointed structures in my realm inspired Diksen. He wanted to bring them here first."

  "I doubt he'd have had a lot of competition. There's not much attic room," Aahz commented.

  "But we have few possessions," See-Ker pointed out. "Our treasure is in our families."

  "Thanks for the load of sentimental claptrap," Aahz said, "but let's not get off the subject. What about Diksen? Where'd he get off setting a curse?"

  "I wouldn't claim to read his mind, but I have known him since he was a boy," See-Ker said, taking a sip from the goblet poured for him by Aswana. "There was supposed to be another building begun, on behalf of his mother, who is also a Necrop. He intended to finish it while she was alive, so she could enjoy it. The carved stones under the clear surface would be her favorite stories and legends. He has worked on them for years, but he has not yet come up with plans that satisfied him. They must be just right. We Necrops live long; he had the leisure to perfect them as he chose. But before he knew it, another pyramid was under construction. It looks exactly like the plans that Maul-De brought to show us on her visit home some years ago. She was so proud of her son. He does love his Mumsy. He is a good boy."

  "You can't be sure they're the same," Samwise protested.

  See-Ker regarded him with his calm black eyes. The Imp squirmed. "But I am. I saw the plans myself, and I have seen the three levels of stone you have already laid."

  "Four!" Samwise protested. "Almost four!"

  "Almost four, then," See-Ker conceded. "They are exactly like the tombs that we create in Necropolis. An uncanny resemblance. Have you ever been to my city?"

  "Uh, no. Look, I never denied that I got the plans from Diksen. But it was okay! He wasn't going to use those anymore! They weren't what he wanted! I figured he wouldn't mind."

  "You stole the plans," Aahz gritted.

  "He threw them away," the Imp protested. "They were crumpled up on the floor. He was never going to unfold them and use them again!"

  "But you did take them without his express permission," See-Ker said, his large eyes bright in the hollow, shrunken sockets. "He would see it as an insult to his Mumsy."

  Samwise quivered.

  "Uh ... well, yeah, when you say it like that, I guess that's kind of what happened."

  Aahz groaned. I stepped in.

  "What about Diksen's character?" I asked See-Ker. "Is he likely to be responsible for the trouble that we've been having? Attacks, accidents, uh, catastrophic misunderstandings?" I glanced at Aahz.

  See-Ker shook his head. "Not directly. It is against our culture to work toward the destruction of another unless he offers direct harm to us. We believe that a dishonest man will bring harm upon himself. It is a shame that he passed it along to so many other innocent people, if it is indeed his curse that is responsible for all these misfortunes. These clients of yours did no harm to Diksen."

  "You can say that again," Aahz said.

  "Perhaps we can appeal in that fashion," Chumley said. "A decent man would not want harm visited upon others who did not wrong him."

  Aahz lifted his lip derisively. "If it was me, I'd let others suffer and make sure they knew who was responsible for it." He looked pointedly at Samwise. "Let them impose justice on him."

  "All I want to do is make people happy!" the Imp protested.

  "And make a bundle of money," Aahz said. "You were so greedy that you didn't check."

  "Well, you jumped on the bandwagon pretty quickly yourself, Aahz," Samwise complained. "We wouldn't have started Phase Two for ages if you hadn't insisted."

  "He is still not responsible for your action," See-Ker said gently. "So if you apologize to Diksen, perhaps he will forgive you and remove the curse. There is no other way. It is difficult for a curse to be dispelled by anyone but the caster."

  Chumley slapped his hands on his thighs. "So, a diplomatic mission of sorts is called for. I volunteer my services."

  "As do I," Tweety said, raising a massive paw.

  Others around the room offered their assistance. Aahz counted up dozens of volunteers.

  "Okay," Aahz said. "What harm can it do? In that case,

  Badaxe, we'll have to stand down the invasion. At least for the time being."

  Badaxe waved a hand. "Don't worry. I didn't prepare for one. My guys are mostly out there to make sure you didn't try and charge off to do something stupid. I'll bring a few of 'em with me, just for backup."

  "I hope they will not be needed," See-Ker said. "The Dorsals have no magik of their own. They are merely fierce, brave and intelligent."

  "So are my boys," said Badaxe proudly. "If they're so smart, they won't fight if we come in a under truce. Evening the odds'll just make sure everything stays peaceful."

  "Uh, Aahz?" Samwise asked with a meaningful look at me, "Do you want the other preparations to be suspended?"

  "Yes!" Aahz said, as if suddenly reminded of an unpleasant topic.r />
  "What preparations?" I asked, curiously. "Never mind!" Aahz shouted. "Let's get this show on the road."

  "Everything?" Samwise pressed.

  "No! Not everything. We'll talk about it later," Aahz said, clearly not wanting to discuss it in front of me. "But get rid of the mourners, anyhow."

  Samwise nodded and leaned out the door. "Cancel the mourners!" he shouted.

  A cry of "Aawwwww!" echoed back to us.

  It didn't take a genius to guess what kind of preparations Aahz had set in motion. I was touched. A glare from Aahz told me I shouldn't say so.

  Chapter 23

  "I did it all for Mother."

  —Oe. Rex

  The diplomatic contingent intending to pay a visit to Diksen's pavilion was a lot larger than I had anticipated, but there was plenty of room on the Lunar Boat for all of us. Lord Wat-Is-Et joined See-Ker's royal party in the stern of the boat. Aahz huddled with Markie and Massha off on one side. Guido and Nunzio insisted on staying close to me wherever I went.

  "There is no way we would let you visit this guy unprotected," Guido said. "Miss Bunny was displeased when you didn't come back to Deva the other night. She has been most upset. If we let you go unaccompanied, she would be most upset with us, and that we do not need to experience."

  "Granted," I said. I wouldn't want to be on the wrong end of Bunny's temper, either. "Sure. I'll be glad to have you with me.

  Guido cleared his throat a trifle uncomfortably. "Uh, Miss Bunny wants to see you when you get back this evenin'. Also Miss Tananda. They were both kinda insistent. And Gleep and Buttercup were pretty broke down when Aahz brought the news back."

  "I'll come back with you fellows," I promised. I felt a pang of guilt. Poor Gleep! All this time I had been worrying about Aahz, and I had forgotten about my dragon. That was irresponsible pet ownership. I was ashamed of myself.

  A few of Badaxe's men on Camel-back trailed the Lunar Boat as we plied our way over the moonlit sands toward the bubble, gleaming under that cool yellow light. Tweety sailed above us, afraid he would upset the boat, but when we arrived underneath the bubble, he came to hover at our side.