Love's Lost Embrace

by ChaShiree M.

  “Pizza!!” He yells with enthusiasm. I swear this boy could live off pizza if I let him.

  I pull into the driveway and notice the living room light is on from the window. I swear I turned it off but then again maybe not. I get him out of the car, and we walk inside. The first thing I notice is that the house is cleaned and smells great.

  “Wow, mommy. It’s so clean in here.” Turning towards him and trying to block the panic in myself, I rub his head and smile. All I can think is who the hell is here. Before I can even venture the first guess, we walk into the kitchen, and there he is.

  “Hey, guys. You made it just in time.” Freaking Trim. Standing in my kitchen looking every bit like it belongs to him. I know I am supposed to be getting upset right now, but I cannot help the lingering glance.

  His hair, which used to be longer and hang down his forehead is practically nonexistent. He is not entirely bald, but it is shorter than I remember. Though to be honest, somehow this makes him look older. More mature. Let’s forget about the fact that the five o'clock shadow he is sporting is begging for me to demand he mark my thighs with it, as his mouth makes me feel things I haven’t felt in five years.

  He begins to smirk as he catches me salivating over him, and it makes me remember why I am standing here in the first place. He broke into my house.

  “What are you doing in here? And how did you get in? You know what, it doesn’t matter. I would like for you to leave. I need to feed MY son and get him ready for bed.”

  The quirking of his eyebrow tells me in no uncertain terms he is not buying anything I am dishing out, and he has no intention of leaving. Instead, he squats down and addresses TJ. My stomach begins to sink. I can feel the panic start to rise and though this is my home I am helpless to stop it. It’s like looking at the two of them, finally face to face has paralyzed me.

  “Hello, little man. How are you?” Trim asks him while holding his hand out offering to shake the hand of his son. The mother in me wants to grab my child and run. Run, far away from here and hide him from this coward of a man, who didn’t stick around long enough after taking my virginity to find out he had gotten me pregnant. It’s only the inquisitive look on my baby’s face that has me hesitating. The truth is, I could travel across the globe, and the question would still come out.

  “I’m fine, thank you. Who are you?”

  Trim’s jaw begins to tick as the question hits him, no doubt. He then looks at me with a reprimand in his eyes. I mean, who the hell does he think he is? What was I supposed to do? Have pictures of him everywhere and tell him all about the dad that abandoned us. Sure, he didn’t know about TJ then. So, technically he abandoned me and not TJ, but I am sure Lei told him about the baby, and he still didn’t come.

  His fault. Good. Let him feel it.

  “My name is Trimble. But you little man can call me Trim if you like. For now. What’s your name?”

  “My name is Trimble too. But my mom calls me TJ. It’s for Trimble Junior.”

  “Well TJ, you have no idea how happy I am to meet you.”

  “You look like the man my Aunt Lei has pictures of all over her house. She used to tell me how much I look like you. Are you her son?”

  “Sort of. She is my Aunt, but she raised me like your mom is doing you. So, I guess in a way, it makes me her son and her my mom.”

  “My friend Jasper and his dad has the same name. His dad calls him JJ for Jasper Junior. Does that mean you’re my dad?” He asks him while cocking his little head to the side as if in thought.

  My heart is beating so fast I am sure they can both hear it. More than that though, it is breaking for my little boy and all that he has missed not having his dad around. His face is full of so much hope, yet as his mother, I can see him struggling not to expect too much. The tear that falls down my face, maybe a rogue for the moment but I can feel myself breaking…. weakening. I raise my hand to my mouth to stifle the anguish that wants to be heard.

  This is the most awful part of all of this. The part that makes me feel the like the most awful mom alive. Because I want him to say no and leave and never return. What kind of a mother am I for thinking that? Not because I don’t want him to have a father. Naturally. But because I don’t want to have to face him time and time again. My feet are begging me to move and put an end to this. Before I can decide either way Trim answers and decides the rest of my life for me.

  “Yes, I am little man.”

  “Mom! Did you hear that? He says he’s my dad. Is it true?”

  The part of me that wants nothing to do with Trim, wants to deny it. Lie and make him go away. But looking at the expression on my baby boy’s face...I can’t do it. It would crush him and in turn, crush me. So, I put on my big girl panties.

  “Yes, baby. It’s true.”

  “Wow! I have a dad. Where have you been?” He says as he turns back around to look at him.

  My ears perk up at the question because I would like to know the answer myself to where he was. Besides college, what was so important that he left me here and never looked back. For the first few years, I missed him so much that I would cry myself to sleep every night. The emptiness I felt, not feeling his arms around me, holding me, and protecting me left as half a person. The not hearing his deep voice in my ear telling me how much he loved me. How he was going to marry me as soon, I graduated? Take care of me? We were going to have a family. He used to rub my stomach while telling me he couldn’t wait until we had both finished college and he could put a baby in my belly. Then watch it grow knowing it was him and I that made it.

  For two years, I longed for him to come back and see the actual baby we did make and take us with him. He never came. I asked Lei over and over where he was. She would simply say, “Sweet girl, where he is, he cannot leave right now. Just know, when he can he is coming for you.” That held me for a while, but then I began to see it for what it was. She was covering for him. By then, I had graduated high school and took my two-year-old son and moved across the street, where I vowed to move on.

  That was the question that plagued me the most. Where the hell was he?

  “I was in Afghanistan.” What?!? No! There is no way! I mean Lei would have told me something like that. Right?

  “Whoa. You’re a soldier?”

  “I was. I was a Marine. For five years.”

  “That’s so cool. But…...”

  When TJ stops talking, my motherly instincts kick in because that is his tell. He often stops mid-sentence when he is unsure about something he is going to say. He is perpetually shy and sometimes insecure about himself. I walk over to him and rub his head. I want him to know that I am here, and nothing will hurt him.

  “It’s ok baby. Say whatever you want. Remember, I told you nothing your brilliant brain can think of is too much for me.” He looks up at me with those puppy dog eyes that almost sends me to my knees weeping.

  “It’s just…...Marines get to call home, sometimes don’t they? So, why didn’t you ever call or write us?”

  And just like that my son has become my hero.

  “Good question big guy. First let me say, I didn’t know about you until this morning.”

  “Bullshit!!!” I cover my mouth swiftly, but not fast enough. It comes out before I can stop it. But fuck it. If he thinks he can sit there and lie to my son to save face, he can go fuck himself.

  “It’s true. Go ask Lei. She never told me. Jesus, Love. Do you think I could have known I had a child out here and not come home? Is that what you think of me? Of us? I know I messed up by not writing or telling you where I was really going. Trust me, we are going to talk as soon as my little man goes to sleep. But get one thing straight. I never would have not shown up for my son. Not being here for you was bad enough. You think I feel good? There was not a day that went by that I didn’t miss you like a fucking bee to honey in winter. If you don’t believe anything I say, believe this...I didn’t know about him until I saw you two on the lawn earlier.”

  I look at h
im as he continues to talk, and I don’t know what to think. Suddenly, nothing about the last five years seems real. Everything I thought I knew was a lie. If that is the case, what do I do with all the anger that has kept me motivated? The feeling of being alone is the sole thing that has kept my guard in place and protected me from feeling the judgement and persecution. If none of it was true…...who am I now?

  My vision has become so distorted that everything seems far away. In front of me, I only make out Trim and TJ sitting at the table cutting the pizza he apparently bought and was waiting for us. The scene looks so authentic and natural, that I find myself longing for it to be forever.

  That thought has me stumbling backwards and I find myself gasping for air. I turn to the front door and walk out into the fresh air, wheezing like a kid with asthma. Though the night air in the fall is nice and cool, my brows are sweating, and I feel like someone is sitting on my chest. I can feel the panic rising as I frantically try to remove my jacket, so I don’t feel so trapped.

  I haven’t had a panic attack like this, since I found out I was pregnant. I hate feeling this out of control. Once TJ and I moved back into my childhood home, I vowed I would never let anyone make me feel this……...weak….and here I am losing it. Aimlessly, I look around trying to and get my bearings. I haven’t felt this disconnected since the day I realized he wasn’t coming back.

  I am not sure how long I sit outside, but when my breathing is finally contained, I realize the person I really need to talk to is right across the street. In the house that kept me and my baby safe when we had nowhere else to go. Before I can figure out what to do with this new information, I have to hear it from her.

  Knowing that Lei never locks the door, which is common here in small town Karis, I walk right in and into the study where I know she will be. I disperse with the greetings, because let’s be real I am not in the mood for pleasantries.

  “Is it true, Lei?” She drops the book she has been reading into her lap and calmly looks up at me, like I just asked her about the weather. Irritating as fuck.

  “Well now my sweet girl, you have to tell me what you are referring too. There are a lot of truths to go around. So be specific.”

  “All of it. Damn it! Is all of it true?”

  “Yes!!” And like that my world has collapsed and been reshaped into something I don’t recognize. Like the wind has been knocked out of me, I drop to the sofa and hyperventilate. She of course gets up and sits next to me. Wraps her arms around my shoulders and waits for me to come back.

  Barely above a whisper, I ask her, “Why?”

  “Oh Love. Most of the why’s you can only get from him. This is his part of the story to tell. But as far as why I didn’t tell you where he was, well your pregnancy was already emotionally taxing for you being a teen and you had just been through a trauma. I didn’t want to cause you undo stress. Call it the nurse in me, but I was trying to protect you.”

  “Don’t you see what you’ve done, Lei? You made me hate him. I have hated him for the last three years for leaving me. Thinking he knew this whole time about the baby, and now I find out he knew nothing. My heart ejected him and filled that space with cement.”

  “Love. If you didn’t still love him, this wouldn’t be hitting you so hard. You might have told yourself you hated him to help you get through everything. But let’s both be honest, you still love him. And he loves you. The question is…...What are you going to do about it?”

  Fuck if I know.

  Chapter Five

  Trim

  Would I be a pussy if I cried? Because right now, sitting at the table eating dinner with my son, that is exactly what I want to do. Looking at him is like finding a part of myself I didn’t know was missing. He looks exactly like me. Only, the me that was maybe not so jaded. Before my mom died.

  When he was asking me all those questions earlier, it hit me how hard this must be for him too. How much he missed out on not having a dad these five years. Father-son games, events, and even scouts. It made me feel less than stellar, even though it isn’t my fault.

  Watching him eat his pizza, while we play 50 questions is entertaining as hell, I tell you that. But looking around I realize Love has disappeared. Thinking about later tonight after TJ goes to bed has the missile in my pants doing a launch countdown. I know she thinks I am going to leave then, but she has another thing coming. The only thing I will be doing tonight, besides telling her everything because she deserves to know, is sliding my 10-inch cock inside her tight pussy and reminding us both who we belong to.

  “Dad. Are you going to go back to the Marines? I mean…. are you here to stay or do you have to leave again?” His little slumped shoulders and scrunched up nose are so fucking heartbreaking even to a hard bastard like me. I don’t ever want him to doubt how much I love him and want him.

  “Come here little dude.” I pull him from his chair and sit him on my lap. FUCK. I’m holding my own flesh and blood. Something I made when I was 18 years old and making love to the love of my life, while not knowing it would be our first and last time. But, look what we did. He is beautiful. I pull his head into me so I can smell him. I want to remember every moment of this night. The night I got my family back.

  “Listen to me, ok? I didn’t know about you. If I had, there would have been no mission, no war, and no orders that could have kept me away. I had already been discharged before I got here. If that wasn’t the case, I would be marching right back and telling them to kiss my…...erm...telling them I was out. Nothing on this earth would have kept me from you. OK?” I kiss his head and hold him for a while.

  “Hey. I have a few errands tomorrow. Why don’t you and I spend the day together? You can show me around your favorite places and you and I could have lunch: Father and son. Give your mom a break. What do you say?”

  “Yea!!! I like that Dad.” He turns and hugs me and fuck it, I drop a tear. Screw you. It’s my fucking kid. Just then I hear the door open.

  “Mom guess what?!!! Dad and I are going to spend the day together. Isn’t that awesome?” She smiles down at him, because come on as cute as he is, his excitement is infectious. I watch as she rubs his head and looks at him with so much love. I yearn for her to look at me like that again.

  “It does sound great little man. Are you done eating?”

  “Yes!”

  “Well, then hit it mister. You know what to do. I want you upstairs, brush your teeth, and in your pjs in 10 minutes. I will be up in a second to read to you and tuck you in.”

  “Well……...is it ok if dad does it?” I don’t look at her, because I don’t want her to feel ganged up on. She has every right to be hesitant and I can’t help but feel my chest puff out with pride at the fantastic job she has done with him. It is obvious she is a great mom because he is a great kid. I glance her way for a second and see her bite her bottom lip and the resistance to adjust my cock is almost nonexistent. I want to suck that fucking lip in my mouth as my fingers pump in and out of her pussy, getting her ready for me.

  Shit. Get a grip Trim.

  “Of course, baby. Your dad can tuck you in.”

  “Yay!!!! Thanks mom. Come on Dad.” Rustling his head as he darts to go upstairs, I call up.

  “Right behind you little dude.” I use this moment of reprieve to let her know what my intentions are. Walking right for her, I zero in on the mouth I was just obsessing over. She must have read my intent, because for every step I take she takes two backwards.

  “What are you doing Trim?” She asks as I finally get her to the wall. I walk so far into her, I can smell her breath as her breathing becomes more and more shallow. So close, I can see the beads of sweat forming on her upper lip. I lean into her so close, that if I lunged my tongue out it could taste what’s between her lips. Instead of doing any of that, I put my nose to her neck and inhale a deep breath, making sure my nose is touching her and my breath is snaking across the tiny hairs on her neck as I leave my imprint.

  It must be working, b
ecause she emits a moan, I am sure she meant to keep in. I notice that she also inclines her neck a bit more to give me more room. Something about her capitulation makes me harder than ever. Knowing she can feel the tension between us, and she can’t help it any more than me is like a fucking hit off a blunt.

  Her chest is heaving, up and down as she squeezes her legs together. She thinks she is being subtle about it, but I notice everything about her. Always have. Always will.

  Not wanting to keep my boy waiting and wanting to keep his mother waiting even less, I lean back into her and whisper in her ear.

  “As soon as he is asleep, baby. I have been waiting five years for this. Tonight, my cock and your pussy have a date.” With that, I walk away before I take her right against this wall. Which would not be a good thing considering my son is still awake.

  After helping him brush his teeth and get on his pajamas, we are both on his bed getting ready for story time when he once again succeeds in almost turning me into a punk.

  “I’m so glad you came back Dad. All my friends go camping with their dads and during the summer the scouts have father-son tournaments. I have never gotten to go yet, because I didn’t have a dad. But now I do. Right?”

  This fucking kid. “Yes TJ. Now you do. Come on. Let’s read.”

  He convinces me to read him three books before he finally passes out. It takes me about five minutes to maneuver him out of my arms and back onto the bed without waking him. Once I have him nice and snug, I make my way out of his room and down the stairs. I stop before turning the corner to the living room, because I need a second to control myself. Right now, all I want to do is throw her on the couch, rip off all her clothes, and slam my cock into her. I want to claim her over and over again, until she says she forgives me and never stopped loving me. But I also know that she deserves to be heard. So, I will hold off as long as I possibly can.

  Once I have my mind on straight, I walk around the corner and almost forget everything I just said to myself. She is sitting on the couch, legs tucked under her ass, and in only a strappy tank and some shorts. But, it’s more than what she is wearing. She is free of makeup, hair up in some messy ponytail, and it brings me back to high school. She looks not a minute older than 16. My heart begins to hurt for the young girl that went through such an ordeal and still brought my son into the world. Suddenly, all I want to do is fall at her feet and thank her over and over for the gift she has given me.