Bart’s King-Sized Book of Fun

by Bart King

  Your subject will recoil in surprise and look at you in shock! And that’s when you say, “Because a big elephant is coming after them!”

  See Calendar for Events!

  Each year, the people of Telluride, Colorado, celebrate their Nothing Festival. Its motto is “Thank you for not participating.” Some of the festival’s events include:

  Sunrises and sunsets occur as normal.

  The force of gravity continues to be in effect.

  A sense of humor search happens daily.

  Body Language, Part I

  The non-verbal way for someone to show he’s got his eye on you is with the following hand gesture:

  He makes eye contact with you and makes a “V” symbol with his forefinger and middle finger.

  He points his two fingers at his two eyes.

  He turns his hand around and points his two fingers at you. You’ve been warned!

  There are a number of fun ways to alter this silent message. For starters, try making eye contact with someone. Make your “V” symbol, and then when you point your two fingers at your eyes, pretend to have poked yourself in the eyes! This is always funny, though it’s less convincing if you wear glasses or if you have two glass eyes.

  If you suspect someone has “let one” (or if you have let one and you want to avoid blame):

  Make your “V” sign.

  Point to your two nostrils and grimace.

  Point to your suspect accusingly.

  Body Language, Part II

  For this, you’re going to need an iPod or cell phone that can shoot video. Got one? Good.

  Practice moving your nose around. You know, try to sneer with one nostril, and then both. Practice scrunching up your nose. Work on dilating your nostrils. Once your nose is warmed up, shoot an up-close video of your entire routine for thirty to forty seconds.

  Now hold up the iPod in the middle of your face (the iPod should be covering your nose and facing out) and hit play. Your video nose will start hamming it up while the rest of your face plays it cool!

  If you want to get tricky with this method, get two iPods. Shoot a short video of someone else’s eye on each of the iPods. As with your nose, the eyes should be rolling around, winking, opening wide, narrowing, etc. When you’re done, cover your two eyes with the two iPods and roll ’em!

  As the two eyes rotate around onscreen, try making long, drawn-out sounds: “Wooowee wowow bleeooorg!” (For some reason, this helps.) Little kids will especially enjoy this.

  If someone in your audience doesn’t like your awesome act, do this:

  Make a “V” sign with your two fingers.

  Use your fingers to remove the complainer’s pancreas.

  Playing with Kids!

  Kids love make-believe structures like forts made by draping a blanket and pillows over a table. (But kids get upset by make-believe nuclear attacks that turn the table over and scatter the pillows.)

  Water Magic

  Sharpen some pencils. Get them really sharp! Now get a small plastic bag and bring it and the pencils over to the sink. Fill the bag about 3/4 full with water. Now tie a knot in the top. Okay, you’re ready!

  Take one of the pencils and spear the bag with it! Do this quickly, so that the pencil goes in straight and then pokes through the other side of the bag. You’ll be surprised to see that if you poke the pencil through the bag fast enough, no water will spill out of the bag!

  If you have the knack for this, poke more pencils into the bag. It’s pretty impressive what a pincushion for pencils a bag full of water can turn into...without leaking!

  Message Fun!

  Give yourself a new voicemail message. Or better yet, get your hands on someone else’s cell phone or answering machine and give him or her a new message! A couple of ideas:

  1. “We’re sorry, but you have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.”

  2. “This is KFRC, and you’re on the air!”

  The Straw that Broke the...Straw’s Back?

  The first time I saw this trick, it actually sort of scared me. That’s because the person showing me the trick popped his straw so loud that it sounded like a firecracker. The fact that he did it in a restaurant just made it that much more...fun. (So thanks for that, Troy.)

  Grip a drinking straw firmly at both ends. You want to grab it so that no air can get out of its ends. Then start rolling it up from both ends. (If that’s too hard, just wind up one end of the straw a couple of times, and then start rolling down the other end.)

  Winding the straw will get more difficult as you roll to the middle. That’s because the air is all compressed in there! When you can’t take it anymore, have someone flick the straw (it should now look like an air bubble) hard with their finger. If they do it right, the straw will explode! (Don’t worry, there’s no danger—but it can be loud!)

  The Power of Advertising!

  In 1913, a guy named Charles Pujeau came up with Tinker Toys. Nobody cared. So to advertise them, Pujeau hired some little people, dressed them up as elves, and had them play with Tinker Toys in a store window. The next year, Pujeau sold a million sets!

  The Invisible Fire Extinguisher

  Do this in the kitchen! Get a candle and light it.

  Now get a large measuring cup. The best kind would be one with a pour spout on the side. Pour some white vinegar into the measuring cup. Not too much! Pour just enough vinegar to cover the bottom of the measuring cup, and then add a little bit more.

  Now put a spoonful of baking soda into the vinegar. As you know, this will make the vinegar get really fizzy! The resulting bubbles will release carbon dioxide. What’s cool is that carbon dioxide is heavier than regular air, so cover the bubbling solution with your hand or a newspaper or something else. This will keep the carbon dioxide inside the measuring cup.

  Once the bubbling dies down, carefully lift the measuring cup. Hold the cup over the lit candle and “pour” out the carbon dioxide onto the candle. As the carbon dioxide drops down, it will push any oxygen around the candle out of the way and put out the flame!

  Punkin Fun!

  For some real high-tech fun, get some pumpkin seeds! But don’t get just ANY pumpkin seeds. Make sure yours are for the Atlantic giant pumpkin. These gourds grow anywhere from 40 to 800 pounds! If you want your giant pumpkin in time for Halloween, plant it 115 days before October 31. (That means the seeds should be in the ground by July!)

  Making Water Disappear!

  This activity can only be done in the kitchen or another uncarpeted indoor area. (You’ll see why in a moment.)

  First, you need a broom or broom handle (mops also work), a stepladder (if you’re short, make that a full-size ladder), and a large plastic bowl. If the plastic bowl has a “dimple” in the middle of its bottom, that will be helpful, but it’s not necessary.

  This trick won’t work unless there’s an unsuspecting person in the house with you. If there is, do this: Set the stepladder in the middle of the floor. Then pour water into the plastic bowl until it’s about 2/3 full. Grab your broom handle and the bowl and move to the stepladder.

  Carefully climb the stepladder until you can reach out and press the bowl up against the kitchen ceiling. When you can, take the end of the broomstick and push it up on the center of the bowl. As you push against the bowl with the stick, you can let go of it with your hand. Then carefully step down the stepladder so that you’re standing on the floor with the bowl held against the ceiling above your head.

  Now call your “volunteer” into the kitchen. Tell him to hurry—you have an awesome magic trick to show him. As he comes in, quickly say, “Okay, hold this stick! I’m going to make this bowl disappear!” He may be confused, so just act excited, like what’s going to happen is the coolest thing ever...but he needs to come hold the stick!

  Once you’re sure the person is holding the stick with enough pressure to keep the bowl up, step back, grab the stepladder, and run out of the kitchen. Your volunteer will m
ost likely be thinking, “Hey, this isn’t right.” If so, he might let go of the stick...and the bowl will come down!

  If the person doesn’t let go of the stick, it might be interesting to see how long he’ll hold onto it. Or you could run into the kitchen and poke, prod, or tickle him to try to make him drop the bowl. But however you look at it, that bowl of water will come down!

  Dead Juice Soldiers

  If you drink as many juice boxes as I do, you probably have some empties lying around right now. (I call them “dead juice soldiers.”) Take the straw from one of those boxes and tie a knot in the end of it. Now shove the straw about halfway into the box, with the knot sticking out.

  Now aim the straw end of the box away from you and anyone else. Stamp on the box really hard with your foot! (You could also hit it with a mallet.) Watch that straw fly!

  It turns out that dead soldiers can still shoot!

  Accents Are Fun!

  Did you know that learning foreign languages is good for your brain? It is, really. Also, knowing a second language helps open the world up to you. For example, you can finally understand what those people at the airport are talking about. (Hey, they like your shoes!)

  But if you don’t have time to learn a foreign language right now, just work on picking up a foreign accent. You’re better at this than you might think. You see, when you were just a little creature inside the womb, you could hear your mom’s voice whenever she spoke. (Seriously.) And after you were born, you cried with whatever accent your mom had. (I’m still serious.) Yep, French babies cry with a French accent, German babies cry with a German accent, and you cry with, uh, your own particular accent. (In fact, you’re probably crying in that accent right now!)

  You are custom-made to pick up on the accents you hear. So, what kind of accent do you want? Just like learning a foreign language, the best way to learn an accent is to listen to a native speaker. Failing that, you can look elsewhere. For example, you could listen to the BBC News for an English accent, or you could watch Indonesian cartoons for an Indonesian one.

  What’s the world’s best accent? Everyone has an opinion, but the right answer is “Italian.” Okay, and what’s the world’s worst accent? Again, it’s a matter of taste. A Dutch person might find a Chinese accent annoying. And a Chinese person might dislike a Zimbabwean accent. But I think ALL people can agree that a BabyTalk accent is the worst:

  “Oh, look at widdle baby’s gweat big eyes and his widdle-widdle toesies...Oh, did you dwop your toy? I’m sowwy!”

  Blech! Now go forth and speak in accents in peace.

  The Most Exciting Lottery of All! (Gloves Not Included)

  Before I describe this, let me ask you a question: Do you only give out presents on birthdays?

  If your answer is yes, I’m going to ask you to change your mind. You can give presents anytime. Especially cheap, funny presents! Here’s what I mean. I was just in a shop called the Monkey King (cool name, huh?), and I saw a small sumo wrestler figure. The little wrestler was weaving back and forth because it was solar-powered.

  Do you understand? It was a solar-powered sumo wrestler. (I know. It’s so cool, I can’t breathe right now!)

  I just had to get the sumo guy, but I didn’t know who to give it to. So I stuck the sumo guy in a box and taped it shut. Then I took that box and put it in a slightly bigger box. Then I put that box in a bigger box. And then I did it one more time, so that the sumo wrestler was in FOUR boxes!

  Then I got a pair of big leather gardening gloves out of the garage. Ha! I was ready!

  Finally, I invited three people over to my house. I picked up the box and explained that it contained a priceless gift. (This was sort of a lie—the sumo wrestler was cheap!) Then I explained that each person would be wearing the gloves for twenty seconds. During that time, they were to try to unwrap the fabulous package. Whoever actually opened the package got to keep the gift.

  To see who gets to go first, pick the person whose last name comes last in the alphabet, and then start the timer. You’ll be amazed at how much fun this is. The laughter and excitement will make every dollar you’ve spent (all two of them!) well worth the investment.

  Mixed Martial Air Arts!

  If you and a friend are just sitting around killing time AND if you both have long sleeves on, try this. Pull your arms in from their sleeves and hold them behind your back. Then start twisting your body at the hip (sort of like playing with a hula hoop) so that your shirtsleeves swing out and around. Once you and your friend get your sleeves swinging, it will look like the craziest fake fight of all time! (Extra Fun Points if either of you gets knocked out.)

  A Deep Question

  Hey, do people still go bobbing for apples? If you haven’t tried it before, bobbing is fun. But it’s also a little weird to stick your face in a tub of water that some other kid was just drooling in!

  If you find yourself bobbing for an apple (or any other fruit or vegetable), here’s how to win. Pick out an apple. Get your face positioned over it. Open your mouth wide and take a deep breath. Now bend your face down to the apple. As you do this, the apple will try to escape by diving below you. So keep pushing your head underwater until you get to the bottom of the tub/barrel. When the apple hits the bottom, bite into it and bring it to the top!

  Depending on how deep the water is, you may be drenched, but who cares: you’re a champion bobber!

  For a less wet version of this game, put a bunch of whipped cream, slushy ice cream, or gravy into a giant bowl. Then set a small apple (or some other fruit) on top of it and let people start bobbing. (And the winner gets to take home the gravy in a zip-lock bag!)

  Blindfolded Fun!

  Write the names of unusual items (toilet, pickle, cactus) on strips of paper and put the strips of paper in a baseball cap. Have a person seated with a piece of paper and a pencil pull out one of the strips. He should read the strip but NOT show anyone what it says. Then have him close his eyes and start to draw. As he does so, the rest of the group tries to guess what it’s a picture of!

  Make a Seat, Take a Seat

  I used to show students how to do this in my homeroom. I had to stop when someone spilled apple juice everywhere. (It was horrible!)

  Anyway, this activity is totally safe. First, you need four people who are all about the same size. You’ll also need one extra person who is any size at all.

  Arrange four chairs so that they form a square, facing inward. The corners should not quite touch. Then have the four people sit in the chairs. Their legs should be sticking out on the left side of their chair, not the front. All set?

  Each person should now lean back so that their shoulders and the back of their head ends up on the legs of the person to their right. Once the people have all done this, they should brace themselves...because the fifth person is going to come around and slowly remove all the chairs!

  If everyone digs in, you will now have a human table!

  Stapler Fun!

  To do this activity, you need access to two pretty high-tech items: a stapler and a piece of paper. Now try stapling your name into the paper. This is surprisingly tough. (It’s also the most fun I’ve had since that time I almost went to Disneyland!)

  The Ring Finger Trick!

  Did you know that it’s impossible for most people to lift their ring finger from certain positions?

  So let’s try a trick! First, spread your hand out flat on a table, with your palm facing the table. Ask another person to do the same thing. Have the person imitate you as you raise and then lower each of your fingers individually, as shown above.

  Now take out a dollar bill. Raise your hand and turn it, palm out, toward the other person. Bend down your middle finger. Have your subject hold his hand the same way. Then press your hands together, as shown below.

  Slip the dollar bill between the two ring fingers. Tell your subject he can have the dollar if he can lift his ring finger away from yours so that the dollar falls down to the table. (No cheating by just pull
ing the whole arm back or moving the finger to the side!) The faces the person will make are going to be priceless, so you may want to have a photographer handy for this event.

  (By the way, if the person can do this without cheating, he or she has superpowers and has earned the dollar!)

  Common Fly, Uncommon Superpowers!

  The next time a fly gets loose in your house, keep an eye on it. After the fly lands on the ceiling, it prepares to do something pretty amazing: to dismount, the fly grabs the ceiling with its front legs, and then it does a reverse somersault. Then it starts flying around!