Bart’s King-Sized Book of Fun

by Bart King

  Shadow Power!

  For centuries, wizards have utilized the magical power of shadows. I have no idea why; my shadow has never done anything for me. (And that’s why I had it surgically removed!)

  And now prepare yourself for the most needless instruction in this entire book: To make these shadows, you’ll need a light source, like a lamp or flashlight. (You’re welcome!)

  Child

  Snake

  Sea Monster

  Witch

  Elephant

  Elephant Poop!

  Dog

  Bird

  The Dramatic Underwear Move

  Let me write this slowly, so that the words sink in:

  Quickly pulling out your underwear (in one piece!) is the most dramatic gesture you will ever make in your life.

  Hmmm, I typed that slowly, but I still read it at regular speed. Oh, well!

  Anyway, the idea is that sometime soon, you will be very happy. Maybe you will have just hit a winning Ping-Pong shot. Or perhaps you just blew out all your birthday candles on your first try. Yes! Or maybe you turned your homework in on time. That’s...great.

  Anyway, at moments like these, you can try to high-five someone else, or maybe do a fist pump. But why not reach back and pull your underwear out of your pants? (Actually, there are a number of reasons not to do this. Ignore them all!)

  There is a slow and complicated way to pull your underwear out of your pants in one piece, but no one’s going to wait around for you to do that. So instead, get dressed like usual, but wear an untucked shirt or blouse. This will allow you to carefully fold an extra pair of underwear in the back of your pants! When your big moment comes, you can:

  Reach back with an intense expression.

  Make a grimacing face as you pretend you’re ripping loose your underwear.

  Hoist your underwear in victory as people applaud!

  Note: Remember to use clean underwear for this trick, or there won’t be very much celebration.

  Back When Dinosaurs Roamed the Land...and Men Carried Purses!

  You know what’s fun to have? Pockets! I mean, think about it: without pockets, where would you put your lint? Before the 1600s, hardly anyone had pockets. They hadn’t been invented yet! If you wanted to carry something, you held it in your hands, tucked it into your hat, or carried a (gasp!) purse!

  Bonus Weirdness: The first pockets that were invented hung on the OUTSIDE of people’s pants.

  * * *

  [3] I guess your friend could be the baby, but it’s probably best if they’re not one and the same. And when I say “best,” I mean that it’s not a very good sign if your friends are all babies. What can you talk about with a one-year-old? (Baby: “Diaper rash stinks.” You: “The diaper’s no picnic, either!”)

  [4] Cool Tip: If you draw the “6” from the bottom up, you can do this without your foot changing direction.

  Mischievous Fun

  You’re in the elevator. A person is running toward you, shouting, “Hold the door!” But you freeze up! And as the person approaches, the door shuts just before he reaches it. Poor guy! Hey, wait a minute...did you just smile as the door closed?

  Yes, you were slightly entertained by the small, painless injustice that just happened to that person. The Germans have a special word for this feeling: Schadenfreude (SHAW-den-froy-duh), which means “joy from another person’s misfortune.”

  While Schadenfreude is normal, it is also a false joy. Should you feel guilty about it? Probably! But let your conscience be your guide. If you see someone slip on a banana peel, put the clamps on your Schadenfreude and see what you can do to help. And if you see someone getting embarrassed, try to help un-embarrass him!

  It is only under two important conditions that you can enjoy Schadenfreude:

  The “He Was Asking for It” Rule: Have you ever seen a person being naughty, and then, almost by magic, he suddenly “gets what’s coming to him”? Once, I was being a jerk and stole a piece of Halloween candy from my sister. Mean, I know. But hey, I was only seventeen. I didn’t know any better!

  As I ran off chuckling, I looked back over my shoulder and stubbed my toe against a wall. Falling to the floor, I rolled in pain while my sister calmly came forward and confiscated her Bit o’ Honey.

  “Serves you right,” she said. Wow! She got to enjoy her candy AND her Schadenfreude!

  And just last month, I was out riding my bicycle when I came to a stop sign. A guy pulled up alongside me on his motorcycle and looked over at me with a sneer. He revved his engine like he wanted to race, or perhaps say, “Listen to that motor!” Then, with a squeal of tires, he was off. But he had to steer around a traffic circle, and as he did this, he turned his tire too much, wobbled, hit the curb, and catapulted onto someone else’s front lawn!

  As he sat up in confusion, a pedestrian asked if he was okay. He said “yes” and started looking for his motorcycle.

  And as I pedaled slowly past and waved, he just looked at me and shook his head.

  It was the greatest moment of my life! (So thanks, Schadenfreude!)

  Family Fun!

  If you’re out with your family and someone asks if you’re out with your family, say, “No, I met these people on the Internet.” Oh, the laughter! This line also works if you’re with your family and you see someone you know but your family doesn’t. (When your parents ask how you know the person, you say, “I met him on the Internet.”)

  The “Nobody Got Hurt” Rule: Your dad is changing a baby boy’s diaper. As the diaper comes off, the boy pees. The stream of urine hits your dad on his shirt and face.

  After crying out in alarm, your dad wipes himself off, gets the dirty diaper off, and gets a new one on. Then he lifts up the baby and holds him on his shoulder, where the baby promptly throws up. Setting the baby back down, your dad wipes off the baby barf and then sniffs the air.

  “What’s that?” he asks suspiciously.

  “Smells like Junior pooped his pants again,” you say helpfully.

  It is now okay to laugh at the expression on your dad’s face.

  Now, to test your understanding of when Schadenfreude is appropriate, let’s take a test. Imagine the following:

  1.Your sister just got a diary. Not a blank book, but one of those diaries that has a glossy cover and comes with a cheap lock.

  “Don’t let me catch you trying to read this!” she warns you.

  Sheesh, you weren’t even interested in it—until now! So the next time your sister is gone, take a paper clip. Unbend it a little and then find her diary. Stick the clip into the book’s lock...and leave!

  That’s right, just leave! You see, that way, when she finds the paper clip and confronts you, you can honestly say that you DIDN’T read her diary!

  Are your actions acceptable?

  a. No, because you are intentionally winding your sister up. Uncool.

  b. Yes, because she asked for it and nobody got hurt. Cool![5]

  2. You cut the power to a building that has automatic doors. (Based on the movies I watch, this is easy to do.) Then you watch and chuckle as people walk into the glass doors.

  Are your actions acceptable?

  a. No, because someone might smash his nose or spill a latte.

  b. Yes, because this is so funny, it bypasses all rules.[6]

  Now you can explore the world of fun at the slight expense of someone else. Remember, this person MUST be someone whom you know well, like a relative or a good friend. And he or she can’t be younger or smaller than you are and must have a good sense of humor. Okay? Let’s get started!

  Flip-Flop!

  For this, you need a coffee mug. You also need some wax paper or a plastic sheet that is not sticky.

  Fill the cup almost all the way with water. (Another liquid would also work, but water is easiest to clean up.) Now go to a large surface (like a table) that doesn’t have any precious laptops or papers on it. Cover the top of the cup with the wax paper. Pull the paper taut around the edges and hold
your hand over it. (Just to be safe, you might even want to wrap a rubber band around the mouth of the cup to hold the paper in place.)

  Now quickly flip the cup over so that it’s upside down! I know this sounds impossible. It isn’t. Keeping pressure on the cup, the next step is to quickly pull the paper or plastic sheet away from the bottom of the cup. Got it? You now have a full cup that is upside down on the table.

  You probably spilled a little bit in the process, and that’s normal. Clean up the spillage, and now let the cup sit, because sooner or later, someone’s going to pick it up and freak out!

  Bonus Cup Trick! Go online and find a picture of a pig’s snout. Print and cut out the picture, and then tape it to the bottom of a coffee cup. And try not to laugh when someone drinks and looks like a pig!

  Ketchup-Filled Doughnut

  If you’re ever around some jelly-filled doughnuts...and you have a straw...and a squeezable bottle of ketchup...then try this! Take the straw and shove one end into the doughnut’s jelly hole. Then suck out the jelly!

  Leave the straw where it is. Use a towel to wipe off the end you were sucking on, and then shove that end into the little opening in the ketchup bottle. You’ll find that when you squeeze the bottle, ketchup goes INTO the doughnut! Oh, happy day!

  Stop squeezing when the doughnut is full again. Then leave it for someone to enjoy.

  Homemade Stinkiness

  Okay, check the cupboards to see if there’s any valerian root powder in the house. If not, you can get it in the herbs or supplements section of your local market. (In a pinch, valerian tea can also work.)

  Valerian root has been used since ancient times as a remedy for things like insomnia. What’s especially interesting about it is that it sort of smells like ripe cheese. And that’s why I’m speaking to you today! Get some valerian root powder (by breaking open some capsules or a tea bag) and put a couple teaspoons in a small jar that you can shut tight. Before you shut it tight, add a couple teaspoons of vinegar!

  Now QUICKLY close the jar and start shaking it. Okay, here’s the key: once you open that jar, it’s going to stink like crazy! (In a nontoxic, organic, friendly stinky way.) So you’ll probably want to get away from the jar after you open it and put it under someone’s bed or in someone’s closet.

  There are two other interesting things about valerian root. First, even though it stinks, cats seem to like it! And second, because it stinks, people once believed that elves and other magical creatures hated it. (In Sweden, it was apparently not unusual to put valerian root on a groom’s clothes to keep away jealous elves on his wedding day!)

  Hokey-Pokey Fun!

  If you know someone who has an “In” and “Out” tray on her desk, add a third tray that says, “Shake It All About.”

  It’s possible that in all the give-and-take of your mischief, your friend may ask you, “Now are we even?”

  To this, feel free to respond:

  a. “I guess. Now I can’t even look at you.”

  b. “If you mean do I want to get even more revenge upon you, the answer is yes.”

  Pen-itentiary!

  You know how some pens have plastic “plugs” in the non-writing end? If you have two of these pens, pop out the end plug of pen #1. (It’s easy.) Then remove the cap from pen #2 and pull out the ballpoint and ink. In the now-empty end of pen #2, stick the plug from pen #1. Pen #2 is now a two-plug pen! Now put the cap back on pen #2. The next time somebody uncaps it, he or she will be totally befuddled!

  Know-It-All Fun!

  Being a know-it-all has to be pretty fun. Why else would there be so many know-it-alls in the world? Especially since experience has taught me that:

  Nobody likes a know-it-all!

  So why would anyone want to be a know-it-all? It can be very satisfying (in a smug way) to sit there thinking that YOU have the answer. In fact, one thing I really like is when there’s a quiz show on television and I know the answer to the questions. (Yes, I’m as smart as a fifth grader!) I have even more fun when the contestant doesn’t know the answers. (This is not good, I know.) That’s why I liked hearing these actual questions on the quiz show called The Weakest Link:

  Host: What kind of dozen is 13?

  Contestant: Half a dozen.

  Nope. It’s a “baker’s dozen.” I knew that! Here’s another good one:

  Host: What was Hitler’s first name?

  Contestant: Heil.

  No! It was Adolf. Man, I’m a genius! I could win a fortune if I just went on one of these programs. I told my niece this one time when we were watching. But she wasn’t impressed after this happened:

  Host: What was the principal language used by the ancient Romans?

  Contestant: Greek.

  Me: Ha! That’s the silliest answer ever!

  My niece: Actually, it was very common for Romans to learn Greek. It was a sign of education.

  Me: This is not fun any more.

  But even though my know-it-all balloon got popped, I learned an important lesson. Sometimes when you think the other person doesn’t know what he is talking about, it just might be YOU who doesn’t know what you’re talking about.

  (But at least a baker’s dozen is still 13!)

  Fun Latin Phrases

  Latin rules! Or at least, Latin used to rule, back in the days when it was the official language of the ancient Roman Empire. And from that mighty position, Latin helped create later languages like English, Spanish, and Klingon.[7]

  There are lots of good reasons to learn Latin phrases. After all, there are hundreds of thousands of Latin roots in English, and the legal system is full of Latin phrases. And these Latin words are super-easy to learn. For example, do you know the Latin word for “Ouch!”? It’s “Uah!”

  See what I mean?

  But the best reason to know some Latin is so you can show off. That’s because Latin is the ONE great exception to the rule that nobody likes a know-it-all. Here are just a few examples:

  Tene simian meam. Hold my pet monkey.

  Imago brachium amisit—triste est. It’s too bad that statue lost his arm.

  Licetne mihi in fabis pendere? Can I pay in beans?

  Habesne ludos tabulae ullos bonos? Have you got any good board games?

  Remove hunc puerum; clamosissimus est. Take this child away; it’s too noisy.

  Cave canem. Beware of the dog.

  Iuva me! Nuper ab minivan transcursus sum. Help! A minivan ran me over.

  Suntne scabies tuae meliores? Are your scabs better yet?

  Odor horribilis! That stinks!

  Di immortales! @&$%!

  Crocidili liberi sunt! The crocodiles have gotten loose!

  What Do They Have Against Kings?

  The ancient Romans rid themselves of their last king in 510 BCE. After that, one of the worst insults you could give any Roman was to call him or her “king” or “queen”!

  * * *

  [5] These are both good answers!

  [6] It’s unlikely anyone would hurt themselves walking into a glass door. But cutting the building’s power could give you a mild electric shock!

  [7] Oops. Not Klingon!

  Incredible Inventions & Creative Costumes

  When a person gets a good idea for an invention, the smart thing to do is to trademark it. That means the idea is officially registered with the government...and THAT means nobody else can steal it!

  Let’s say you’re riding in a car. Looking around, you notice there are airbags stored all over the place. “Hmmm,” you think. “If airbags can be hidden inside a car, couldn’t they also be hidden inside someone’s pants?”

  You start imagining a pair of pants equipped with airbags! If the person wearing your airbag pants ever started to fall down or otherwise get in an accident, his pants would fill with gas![8]And this is how your idea for Airbag Pants is born!

  Soon, you’re drawing up plans for your Airbag Pants. Of course, you have to decide what parts of the pants should inflate. Knees? Yes. The butt? Of course!
The ankle cuffs? Please! When was the last time someone wiped out on a skateboard and staggered around yelling, “My ANNNKKKLLE!”

  Once you’re done with your design, you take it to the US Patent and Trademark Office. An official looks your Airbag Pants over and then gives you a thumb’s up.