Bart’s King-Sized Book of Fun

by Bart King

  “These would go great with the Airbag Undershorts!” the official says.

  “What?!” you cry. And you learn that just a few days earlier, three guys trademarked the idea of Airbag Undershorts. But that’s okay! People who want to be super-protected could wear both!

  GNDN Explained!

  Set designers for science-fiction shows have to create real-looking technology that doesn’t do anything at all. So the set designers for the original Star Trek series labeled many pipes and tubes with the letters “GNDN”. It was an in-joke that stood for “Goes Nowhere, Does Nothing”!

  Bathroom Stereo

  Have you ever been taking a shower, and all of a sudden you wish that you could listen to some good music while you’re taking care of business?

  Me too!

  Luckily, you can make your own bathroom stereo. All you need is a big drinking glass and a small digital device (like a Smartphone) that plays music. Here’s what you do: Set the glass on a hard surface like a counter, away from towels and water. Then turn on your cell phone’s music and set the phone in the glass!

  Make sure the phone is “speaker-side down.” By getting the speaker close to the bottom of the glass, the music will then bounce up and out of the glass with surprisingly good quality!

  Having a Disco Ball!

  I know, it’s sad. You WANT to dance in your room, but without a disco ball, you just can’t get in the mood. Well, despair no longer! Try cutting up an old CD into small squares and triangles. Then loop some string around a craft ball (or any old ball you have bouncing around). Finally, glue the CD bits to the ball and hang it!

  Remote-Control Pumpkin

  Let’s say you have a remote-control car. Ready? You and I have to say it together at the same time:

  “You have a remote-control car.”

  Here’s a thought. What if you were to put something on top of the car to camouflage it? I just tried putting a wig on mine, so that it would look like some hairy creature scuttling around. But the darn hairs keep getting wrapped up in the axles!

  Ah, but what about a small pumpkin? This could be perfect for spooking trick-or-treaters on Halloween!

  First, take off the outer shell of your remote-control car to get an idea of how big it really is. Now take it with you when you go to get a pumpkin! Your pumpkin should just fit over the car.

  When you get home, carve out a hole in the BOTTOM of the pumpkin. Remove the guts and then compare the car to the pumpkin bottom. Just notch away the parts of the pumpkin that might get in the way of the car rolling around.

  And if your pumpkin works well, attach a sweeping device to the front so that it can clear your porch of leaves and candy wrappers the day after Halloween!

  DIY Parade Float Race!

  The city of Ferndale, California, hosts a yearly race with the coolest slogan ever: “Adults having fun so children want to get older.” That’s the idea behind the Kinetic Grand Championship, a race in which contestants invent, make, and then ride on wacky human-powered vehicles that must cross over forty miles of road, sand, and water. The vehicles (or “kinetic sculptures”) all have moving parts—like flapping wings and blinking eyes—so they look like demented parade floats. Some of the event’s super-fun awards include the Golden Dinosaur (for the first sculpture that breaks down), the Golden Flipper (for the best wipeout), and the prized Mediocre Award.

  Costumes

  A wise woman once said, “Ask a little kid what he wants to do and he will shrug. But if you tuck a pillowcase into his shirt and tell him it’s a cape, suddenly he’s a superhero.”

  Ain’t that the truth! Of course, costumes are fun for kids of all ages. And they can be so simple! For instance, someone in my family (hi, Dad!) likes to pull up his pants as high as they will go and then walk around as if there were nothing unusual about it. And my brother-in-law takes any excuse to waltz around in a kilt. And he’s Irish! But dressing in costumes is good for the imagination, so if my brother-in-law wants to pretend he’s Scottish, fine. (Did I mention he’s Irish?)

  So what do you want to dress up as? Or are you helping a younger kid get an idea? The younger a child is, the more fun it is for her to pretend to be older. So let a young one dress up in adult clothes, like maybe a pantsuit. This also works in the other direction. That is, you can pretend to be younger by dressing like a toddler. Just wrap yourself up in a blankie and start sucking your thumb like mad. If you want to get more realistic, find some oversize diapers. (But please remember your potty training.)

  If you decide to dress up as a really old person, here’s a trick: scrunch up your face and put on some makeup that’s lighter than your usual skin tone. Now un-scrunch your face. Using an eyeliner pencil (brown is best), color in all the spots where your natural wrinkles are. Be sure to draw crow’s feet around your eyes and add lines down the sides of your nose. Finally, add a bit of baby powder to your whole face, and put a bunch of it in your hair to make it look gray!

  If you want to look YOUNGER than you are, just do all this in reverse.

  Before you put on a costume for a full day of school or trick-or-treating, think about this stuff:

  How comfortable is your costume?

  Can you go to the bathroom while wearing it?

  If you’re going to be walking around at night, how well can you see through your mask?

  If you’re going to be running from zombies or authority figures, how fast can you move? And what if the zombies ARE authority figures? (“Principal McGee, noooo!”)

  Okay, here are some cool costume ideas. If your name is Karen, I have some good news: This first costume idea I got from a girl named Karen! You see, one Halloween, Karen wore a brown plastic garbage bag over her body. She also had on dark glasses. (She didn’t have a white cane, but that wouldn’t have hurt.)

  Me: I don’t get it.

  Karen: I’m a blind date!

  Me: I get it.

  Thanks, Karen! Here are a few other ideas:

  Piñata: What if you found a cardboard box big enough to walk around in? You could turn it upside down and cut a hole in the bottom for your head. Add a hole to two sides for your arms, and you’re ready to add details! Piñatas are decorated with colored fringes of paper glued to a hollow container...like your box! So cut some strips of newspaper and make your glue with a mix of two cups of water to one cup of flour. You can either dip your newspaper strips in the glue or lay the strips on the box and then brush on the glue. To add shapes to your piñata, use blown-up balloons, crumpled paper, and other pieces of cardboard. Need to make arms? Roll up some newspapers. Need another head? Stuff wads of paper into a paper bag.

  When you’re done, let the glue dry for a couple of days, and then paint the box and/or add kooky trinkets. You’ll be looking good! Of course, the downside to being a piñata is that someone might take a swing at you with a stick. To avoid this, hand out your own candy—and carry your own stick!

  Alien: In my experience, aliens have antennae and green or blue skin. Oh, and also, you might want to wear a metallic outfit. Try to find clothing colored like silver, gold, or unobtainium.

  Chewed Gum: Wear a pink outfit and then find a doll table and stick that on your head. (Or just strap a shoe to your noggin!)

  H-E-Double-Hockey-Sticks Angel: Make a halo with rolled foil or a wire hanger (or a wire hanger covered with foil!). Now put on a leather jacket. If you look tough in a heavenly sort of way, you’re done.

  Deviled Egg: Get an egg costume. Then put on horns! But don’t add a forked tail. (Eggs don’t have tails, silly.)

  Leaf Blower: Get a big leaf. Hang it from the bill of a baseball cap and put the cap on your head. When asked what you are, blow on the leaf. Ta-dah! (Hey, where did everyone go?)

  Greek God: Drape yourself with a white sheet. Next, cut out a lightning-bolt shape from a cardboard box. Cover it with foil and start smiting mortals. (“Release the Kraken!”)

  Shooting Star: Get a big cardboard box. Next, cut out two giant stars from the box.
These two stars should be at least big enough to cover your body from the waist up. (Once you cut out the first star, you can just trace around it to make the second one.) Now you that you have two big stars, you’re going to wear them over your shoulders like a sandwich board. To do this, use a hole punch to make holes in the cardboard. Then reinforce the holes on the INSIDE sides with duct tape or those paper reinforcement things that stationery stores sell. Then run some string between the holes in the two stars so that you can wear them over your shoulders! Finally, get a colorful plastic gun to wave around, and you’re all set!

  Macaroni and Cheese: Get one of those big cheese hats like Green Bay Packers fans wear. Then stick macaroni noodles all over your clothes.

  The Undead: For some reason, zombies don’t seem to wear new clothes, so the older and more ripped up your clothing, the better. Also, zombies are dead. (Who knew?) So you should probably get some light-colored makeup for your face and hands. After putting down a white/light base, add some green highlights for the spots where fungus is growing. Sweet!

  Of course, fake blood is always a nice touch.[9] It might just be me, but I always think that a little blood trickling out of the eyes is ghoulishly cool. (Or “coolishly ghoul”?) And get some blood around your mouth, too. For another cool effect, dip a brush or comb in your fake blood and then drag it across your skin. Don’t forget to apply dark eyeliner to give you that “serious” zombie look.

  For ambitious zombie costume makers, try making an exposed bone. Your best bet is to cut off a piece of a white candle at an angle. Stick it to yourself with some liquid latex and finish it off with some fake blood.

  Really, Really Gross: For hanging intestines, get some old panty hose. Use a pair of scissors to cut off the legs. Then get someone with mad sewing-machine skills. (A glue gun could also work.) You want to get a seam going down the middle of each of the two legs. Once you’ve done this, take the scissors and cut along the seam on either side. Now you have two thinner panty hose legs! Turn the legs inside out and stuff them with fabric, cotton, and cloth scraps. As you do this, periodically give them a twist or two and use a glue gun or safety pin to hold the twist in place. This helps the panty hose look like intestines! Finally, put on an old button-down shirt and snake the panty hose in and out of the holes in the front (or any extra tears in the shirt fabric). And for your final touch, it’s best to soak all of this in fake blood!

  Facial Hair?!

  We have now entered the most important part of this book: understanding that facial hair is fun! In order to explain this, first let me ask: Have you ever seen a man with muttonchops? A guy with a goatee? Some dudes with Fu Manchus?

  Well, it turns out that all these people have a great sense of humor!

  I mean, they have to...otherwise, they’re growing weird beards because they think it looks GOOD. But that’s impossible. Therefore, men with facial hair must have black belts in fun. And that’s why boys, girls, and all other types of humans should take every chance they get to have facial hair, too! You can buy your own facial-hair kit from a costume shop or make your own with cotton balls, felt, or the pelt of some small mammal. But what KIND of fake hair will you grow?

  Perhaps the silliest (and therefore the most fun!) type of facial hair is the sideburn. These used to be called side-whiskers or muttonchops, but the famous Civil War leader General Ambrose Burnside (1824–1881) changed all that. Burnside’s side-whiskers were so huge (they connected with his mustache), he got the honor of having sideburns named after him! (They were called burnsides first, and then sideburns later on.)

  Today, we still call beefy sideburns muttonchops. Muttonchops with big bottoms are “Wolverine” style. And sideburns that start down the face and then rise above the upper lip to join the mustache are known as either the Franz Joseph or “friendly muttonchops.”

  Now, have you ever seen a mustache combined with a chin beard? I call that a pudding ring! But most people call it a goatee. It turns out that most people are wrong; a goatee is just a small pointed beard, like a goat has. (No mustache!)

  If the goatee is just on the bottom of the person’s chin, it’s called a poet’s beard. If there’s only a wee bit of hair below the bottom lip, it’s a soul patch.[10] And a soul patch that grows down and joins with a chin beard is called an anchor! A narrow, pointed chin beard extending from the chin is an impériale (or “royale”). And finally, a chin beard like the impériale combined with a waxed mustache is a Van Dyke.

  Before moving on to beards, let me just check to see if there’s more than one kind of mustache. *checks notes* Uh-oh. There is!

  Stashburns: Sideburns that come out and become one with the mustache!

  Pencil: The least-fun mustache, because it’s so thin, you barely notice it. (Never trust someone with a pencil mustache.)

  Dalí: Waxed up like a cartoon mustache.

  Handlebar: This is a healthy mustache that swings up at the ends, like the horns of a steer.

  Chevron: A thick mustache that covers the whole upper lip but stops short of going into the mouth.

  Hungarian: A Chevron on steroids! Huge bristles sticking out like a walrus.

  Pancho Villa: A thick, droopy mustache.

  Horseshoe: Another droopy ’stache, but this one is squared off at the top, like a horseshoe. (It’s popular in movie Westerns.)

  Fu Manchu: The coolest mustache! It droops like a Pancho Villa, but it goes all the way below the chin!

  And now, the beards! A stubble beard is just one to four days of growth. This barely beard became popular in the 1980s, and is still with us today. Yay. The next-most-simple kind of beard is the chinstrap beard. It’s just a narrow beard that follows a line along the jaw and chin, but it has no mustache. If you see one, it’s probably pretty short. Why?

  Well, there is only ONE thing worse than a long chinstrap beard. And that’s a long neck beard. (I’ve seen one, and I’ve been trying to un-see it ever since!) The best-looking version of a chinstrap beard is the Lincoln beard. It can be long and full, and it should cover most of the chin.

  A friendly looking beard is the Verdi. This is a round, short beard with a big mustache—sort of what Santa Claus would have if he got his beard cut back. And then there is the full beard, which is what I call any healthy, bushy beard that provides a natural environment for small forest animals!

  Protecting the natural beauty of full beards is the business of heroic groups like the Beard Liberation Front. This group organized a protest against the film Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets because it had actors (like the guy playing Hagrid) who were obviously wearing fake beards. The horror!

  Hobbies

  I just realized that the way most people “make” fun is with their hobbies. And right here in this gigantic dictionary that’s crushing my legs it says a hobby is “an activity done regularly for pleasure.”

  That means reading can be a hobby. That’s right, reading is an activity, since it actually engages your brain. You can’t just stare at a book and get anything out of it. You have to read, think about, and interpret the book instead. Hobby!

  Hmmm, so is listening to music a hobby? I say yes, especially if you really listen to it. After all, it just might make you get up and shake your booty!

  Now, I don’t want to criticize anybody’s hobbies, but if someone’s main interest in life is watching TV, he could do better. A LOT better. (Since when is sitting and staring an activity?) Here’s a better idea: Go on a scavenger hunt! These are almost always fun.[11] One good version is the “bigger and better” scavenger hunt. This works best if you have a neighborhood of friendly people. Each team starts with a time limit and an item that’s pretty lame (like a paper clip or a broken pencil). Then they start looking for an item that is bigger and/or better than what they have. If the team can find such an item (either by asking neighbors or keeping their eyes open), they trade their current item for the new one. The winning team is the one with the biggest, best item within the time limit!

  If
this doesn’t sound that great to you, here are some other hobby possibilities:

  Fish

  Teach a fish to fish

  Learn a language

  Learn to teach a fish a language

  Garden

  Garden a fish (wait, this isn’t working!)

  Walk

  Travel

  Collect pencils