Delicate Scars

by Alta Hensley

  “Hello?” I stood at the kitchen sink, the cup of coffee in my hand, an ineffective antidote for my throbbing temples.

  “What’s going on? I couldn’t make out anything in your message. All I heard was crying.” Panic blanketed Harrison’s voice.

  Tears welled up in my eyes again. “I messed up, Harrison. I’ve lost Axel because I was a stupid fool.” The tears turned to loud, gasping sobs.

  “Calm down, take a deep breath,” he soothed. “What happened?”

  “I lied! I lied about this stupid book, and I kept it from him, and then it came to light in the worst way, and…” I blurted out the rest of the evening in a blabbering jumble of words, tears, sobs, and exhausted thoughts.

  There was silence on the other end, then a sigh. “I’m sure once Axel calms down, you’ll be able to explain,” he said. “But it doesn’t look good. That’s for sure.”

  I wiped at my eyes and blew my nose. I hoped he was right. The thought of being without Axel killed me.

  “It’ll be okay. You need to calm down, get some rest, and give it a little time. I’m sure he will forgive you.”

  “No, he won’t. He thinks I’ve been using him for this damn book! He thinks I did this all for fame!” My declaration, louder than I’d intended, caused an icicle of pain in my skull.

  “Well, if you love him as much as I think you do, you’ll just have to try your hardest to convince him of that.”

  I took a deep, consoling breath as I watched Felicity walk into the kitchen. Word of what happened had clearly made it to Felicity. I knew she had a lecture coming, or an “I told you so.” I quickly ended my conversation with Harrison, promising I would keep him updated.

  I sat down and tried to give a weak smile. Faking my happiness to my good friend would be futile, but at least I would try.

  Felicity frowned. “You look like shit. I take it the rumors I heard are true?”

  “Can we not talk about it?” I sighed as I sipped on my much-needed cup of coffee. “I already know what you are going to say. Yes, I know. I fucked up.”

  “Not an option,” Felicity declared as she grabbed a mug. “Why didn’t you tell him?”

  I shrugged. “It’s over. I don’t see the point in discussing this any further. It is what it is.”

  “Bullshit.” Felicity actually looked angry. “I see how much you love him. Your heart has been ripped out of your chest. Don’t even try lying to me.”

  I grabbed a spoon and fiddled with it between my fingers. For the first time ever, Felicity made me uncomfortable.

  “Seriously, Quinn. I don’t understand why you have to be so damn stubborn. You love this guy. It’s obvious that you do. So why are you so determined to try to destroy it? Fight for him!”

  “It’s more complicated than just love. He feels betrayed.”

  She nodded in agreement. “As he should. But you can fix this.”

  “You didn’t see his face. It’s over now.” I took a drink before adding, “I’m not in the mood to hear a lecture. I’m letting you know that I’m leaving soon. I need to get back to San Francisco.”

  Felicity crossed her arms, leaned back in her chair, and glared in response.

  I shifted in my seat. “You look mad. Come on, Felicity. Don’t be mad at me.”

  Felicity continued to glare.

  “You knew I wasn’t planning on staying for long. I need to figure my life out and, well…”

  The silent glare from Felicity continued.

  “Stop staring at me like that! You’re making me feel bad.”

  Felicity took a deep breath before speaking. “This is typical Quinn.”

  I could feel my temper rising. “And what do you mean by that?”

  “You’re a coward. You’ve always had everything so easy in your life. So the minute it gets tough, you are just going to run back to Mommy and Daddy. Go back to the easy life. Nice and boring and safe.” Felicity had never sounded so blunt and harsh before.

  My temper boiled over. “You have no idea what you’re talking about! Not everyone can have Happily Ever After. Not everyone can have exciting. We all don’t live in a fantasy world!”

  “My life isn’t always a fairytale. But I take chances in life. I take risks on love and life and hopefully will someday reap the rewards.” She leaned forward on the table with a scowl on her face. “You’re stronger than this. You have to stop living in your little, young, naïve world. You need to stand up and fight for what you want.”

  “Axel made his feelings clear. He won’t even speak to me or return any of my texts—”

  “Oh, stop that line of bull!” she interrupted.

  I loved Felicity with my whole heart, but I had the sudden urge to rip her hair out. The truth of the matter was, I knew she had a point, but I still fucking hated it.

  “Maybe you’re right,” I softly admitted.

  Felicity looked up from her coffee with a satisfied smirk on her face.

  I tried to swallow the ball forming in the back of my throat. “But it doesn’t really matter now. I messed up, I managed to push Axel away, whether I like it or not.”

  “I’m not so sure about that. I think all you have to do is be honest with yourself and honest with him. I think you could work it out if you really wanted to.”

  I shook my head and fought back the building tears. “How? I lied. I chased him away when all he wanted to do was love me. He has no idea how much I love him and want to share my life with him.”

  Felicity reached across the table and grabbed my hand. “Then, tell him that. Swallow your pride and be honest. He’s worth that.”

  I looked down at my lap in defeat. “I’m not sure that I can. I all but begged, and he completely rejected me. You should have seen his eyes. I fucked up big time, and I don’t think there is a way to turn this around. I’ve called him so much, that I am two steps from stalker crazy.”

  “Well, I’m here for you. Even if you are stalker crazy.” She gave a warm smile, which forced one out of me as well.

  Felicity was a good friend, always had been. But sitting here with her made me suddenly realize how much I loved her. It was comforting to know I had someone to lean on. Many people didn’t like Felicity Dexter, but I always saw the good. Right now, I saw even more. Wisdom. Felicity might be a tad spoiled, and definitely self-centered, but her larger-than-life attitude pulled you in. She exuded confidence and spontaneity. And she’d always treated me with nothing but kindness and loving support. Her reputation was no secret. She was known for sleeping around and being sexually adventurous, but I suspected there was more to it than I knew. Regardless of her past, present, or future, she was my friend and always would be.

  She seemed to ponder my statement of defeat. “From the moment you met Axel, I saw the shadows in your eyes. Something has you scared, Quinn.” She reached across the table and gripped my hand. “You need to let go of your doubts. You have to believe you are good enough. That he is actually in love with you,” she urged. “You have a really good thing.”

  I swallowed and looked away. “You don’t understand what it’s like to be me. I doubt everything. Why would a man like that want to be with me? He could have anyone he wants, so why me? I’m not like you. You are so confident, so outgoing, and so sure of yourself. I have to fake my way through every social gathering. I live a fucking lie every single day, so it’s only fitting I fucked up the love of my life by lying.”

  When I didn’t say a word, Felicity gently squeezed my hand. “I want so bad what you and Axel have. I look on with envy. Not because he’s the famous Axel Rye, but because I can see the love between you two. I know I put off the image that I’m some big slut,” Felicity began, her voice breaking on that last word. “And I guess maybe I am. It’s true—I do experiment a lot… with people. I just… I feel lonely, you know? Have you ever been surrounded by people, yet you feel so alone?”

  “Yes,” I whispered. Alone was not a foreign feeling for me.

  “That’s how I felt all my life
,” she confessed. Her eyes darkened to a stormy gray. “My mother ran out on us when I was six, my father was a drug addict, my older brother was overcome with rage and still is. And then I met Marshall in high school, and I thought life would be different.” She gave a weak smile. “So I married him at eighteen. I had a husband, a man who claimed to love me, a man who said I was the most important thing in his life. But he lied. Marshall was always gone, off with his buddies and other women. He didn’t spend any time with me. We were newlyweds, and all he wanted to do was be with anyone else but me.”

  I sat in silence, stunned by the confession. I never knew Felicity had ever been married.

  “I was bored. And lonely.” She took a sip of her coffee. “And I cheated on him. Call me heartless if you want, but I was weak. I just wanted someone to love me and give me attention. I didn’t want to be alone. I’d been alone my whole life. After a very short marriage, we divorced.” She paused and took a deep breath. “I guess you could say I’ve been trying to find myself since. I’m just trying to find someone to love me… as broken as I may be.”

  I wanted to reach out and hug my friend, but remained still so she could continue.

  Felicity picked up her coffee cup. “So that’s it, my sordid tale. You think I’m confident, that I have no insecurities? That’s a lie. I’m still the same timid little girl who cried and never got enough love. I’m a cheater, a liar, and I use people to fill my empty void. I’m not always proud of that, but it’s my truth. And I’m lonely. Really, really, lonely.”

  Although I didn’t agree with Felicity’s decisions on how to deal with her loneliness, I couldn’t feel anything but admiration and respect for the woman. And I couldn’t judge her, any more than she judged me.

  “You’re lucky, Quinn. You don’t have to be alone,” she said softly, still clutching my hand. “Don’t give up on Axel.”

  14

  Foolish Fucking Fantasy

  Axel

  I leaned my head back against the leather seat and closed my eyes, only half-listening to the booming music of the club. It had been a couple of weeks since I’d last seen Quinn. Still having to make a living, I had no choice but to make an appearance at the club where she worked. It wasn’t like I had anything to worry about. I had moved past Quinn. I had no choice.

  She had fucked me up bad.

  Bad.

  But I had no choice but to keep moving on. To do what I do.

  I sat there alone. Not that I couldn’t have found a willing partner to keep me company, but the idea held no appeal for me at all. After the heartbreak of Quinn, I was done with women for a while. Although the idea of meaningless sex to temporarily fill a void looked more tempting by the day. Nothing more, nothing less. I decided after Quinn crushed my heart that the whole “happily-ever-after” thing was just a foolish fantasy.

  My stare moved to the crowded bar at the other end of the club. I didn’t have to see Quinn to know she was there. Which was the reason I would avoid the bar at all costs. Plenty of people could stand between us, and I hoped I didn’t have to see Quinn ever again. The pain would be too much. I shrugged off the dark thoughts and leaned my head against the seat again, thankful for the crowd of people to provide a shield between the two of us.

  “Are you going to sulk all night?” Teddy asked as he sat next to me, handing me a beer.

  I shrugged.

  “Come on. You’re going to have to face her eventually. Avoiding the situation isn’t going to make it go away.”

  “It’s over. No need to dwell on it,” I replied as I took a large swig of the drink.

  “So, you don’t mind knowing that she’s over there working. I saw her.”

  I shrugged.

  “You’re going to lose her, man,” Teddy warned.

  “I already did,” I replied. I took a large gulp of the beer in front of him to try to numb the pain in my heart that Teddy was dredging up again. The past two weeks had been absolute hell.

  “No, I mean if you don’t get off your stubborn ass, she’s going to take off and head back to San Francisco.”

  “She’s leaving? What do you mean?”

  “I mean, I heard she was leaving town unless you stop wallowing in your self-imposed misery and put an end to this breakup.”

  Panic sunk in at the thought of knowing Quinn would leave Los Angeles. “Have you forgotten that she used me? She doesn’t want me. She doesn’t love me. She wants what every other fucking person wants in this town. Fame or drugs.” Saying the words stung.

  “Ah, for Christ’s sake, you have got to be kidding me! You know damn well that she loves you.” Teddy placed cash for the tip on the table as new drinks arrived. “Let me tell you something about Quinn. She loves you, she’s hurting, and she’s scared. She’s also unsure what to do and won’t make the first move tonight. She knows you are here. But you all but slammed the door repeatedly in her face. Go up to her and make it right again. You are being a real asshole.”

  “It can’t be right. It’s fucked, and the only good that came out of this whole mess is she at least gets to be an author of a book… at my expense.”

  Teddy shook his head. “I don’t agree. She messed up. No doubt about that. But she gave you everything. She committed to you and everything you are. I truly believe she’d give up the book idea if it meant keeping you. But let’s face it, man. You aren’t doing a real good job at fighting for her.”

  I looked down at my beer for a few moments before answering, “I guess you’re right. I really fucked things up.”

  “You have to fight for what you want. You have to make her know that you will never just let her walk away. She needs to know you will always fight for the relationship.” Teddy shrugged. “That’s my advice at least, for what it’s worth.”

  I nodded as I contemplated what Teddy told me.

  “If you love her like you say you do, then you better get over there and convince her that you two are solid,” Teddy added.

  “I do love her. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.”

  “Wanted or want?” Teddy raised an eyebrow in question.

  I smirked back. “Want. I definitely want to spend the rest of my life with her. But then, I’m not sure if I can ever trust her again. I’m still so fucking pissed!”

  Teddy tilted his glass towards me and replied, “Well, I guess you better work through those feelings. She’s worth it, dude.”

  I frowned, sitting up straighter, intently trying not to act bothered. I should have known that to think being in the same room with Quinn wouldn’t bother me was dumb. Pain stabbed at my heart, and sucker punched me in the gut.

  Switching my attention to the bar, my internal angst increased as I watched her frantically make drinks for the crowd. She seemed more frazzled than normal. No doubt she knew I was in the club.

  Quinn turned around enough so I could see her, the ends of her perfectly shaped mouth curled upward, and I felt like a steam engine had slammed straight into my soul. My gaze trailed over her heart-shaped face, her satin-smooth and rich honey-colored skin, her doe-shaped eyes before settling back on her mouth. Lush, now only one corner curled up, lending her an innocent yet somehow slightly wicked look. It was the same mouth, the same look that had haunted my memories for the past few days. I missed her so much. No matter how hard I tried, I’d never be able to get her out of my mind.

  Quinn

  Axel was in the club.

  I closed my eyes briefly, my heartbeat ricocheting a staccato beat against my chest. It felt more powerful than the bass of the speakers only a few feet away. Tears burned the back of my eyes as I tried not to stare at the one man, and the only person, I’d ever loved.

  The same man who wanted nothing to do with me.

  I tried to swallow down the instant swell of emotions as I finished my shift. I was done for the night. In the past, I would have walked over to Axel and spent the rest of the night with him. But things had changed.

  “You don’t have a shot with him an
ymore. So you might as well leave.” I jumped at the venomous voice behind me. I turned around to see Jillian standing with her hands on her hips. She had rage in her eyes and looked like she planned to pounce. She was obviously high on something as well.

  “I’m not in the mood, Jillian. Leave me alone.”

  “You’re not welcome here. You intended on using Axel from the very beginning, didn’t you? You’re nothing but a lying slut,” Jillian spat.

  “This is none of your business.” I took a deep breath to calm my temper. I tried to see the situation through Jillian’s eyes. To Jillian, and everyone else, I was the villain. I had to remember that.

  “Listen, I didn’t mean to hurt Axel.”

  Jillian shoved her finger into my chest. “You are nobody. You don’t deserve Axel, and you sure as hell don’t deserve even the slightest bit of attention. I see your game.”

  Her comment stung. I no longer could contain my anger. I looked her straight in the eye. “No, Jillian, you are the whore. You will do anything, and I mean anything, for fame. You are nothing but a dirty, used-up woman who will never find happiness.”

  “You fucking bitch!” Jillian shrieked.

  She charged at me and grabbed a chunk of my hair and rammed my head against the wall. I saw stars and my vision distorted, but I didn’t feel any real pain. I was stunned by the attack. Who was this crazy?

  She continued her assault by attempting to hit and punch my face. For the most part, I did a good job blocking her flailing hands. Everything happened so fast, and I was still stunned from having my head bashed against the wall; I wasn’t really sure what happened around me. I realized I needed to fight back. It wasn’t my style, but I had no choice.

  I reached for the back of her hair and grabbed an entire fistful. I yanked her head back as far as it could go without snapping her neck. “Listen, you fucked up whack job,” I yanked her hair even harder, “you stay away from me. You have been trying to fuck with me since the day I got with Axel. I’m over your fucking crazy!” I yanked Jillian’s head, causing her to release a scream of shock mixed with pain. I hated that I had to be so violent, but did I really have another option? The girl was insane.