All My Life

by Rucy Ban

  He smiles and shakes his head. Christ! This situation is unrecoverable.

  “Kari, I think I should tell you…” he trails off as my Mom re-enters the arena dressed to tame the lion…or the gladiator himself.

  In what could’ve been just two minutes she’s managed to ditch her work clothes and put on her favorite black wrap dress. Wow! She is really putting her best foot forward here. I’ve never seen Mom get this excited over a guy since Dad left. It would’ve made me happy except this guy happened to be myfreaking boyfriend!!

  I realize Neil is holding out a chair for me. I also realize that Mom has already occupied hers and is busy surveying all the food.

  Neil’s fingers brush my cheek softly as he sits down next to me. Mom doesn’t miss the action and I see a satisfied smile cover her face. I just don’t get this. What’s the deal with her? Why has she gone all crazy on me…and today out of all the days?! Why God?! Why?!

  “So how did you two meet?” she asks as we begin attacking the food.

  Fork half-way to my mouth, I pause and look at her, “Mom? Neil? Agnas’s son? Tattoo shop? I work there?” Ever the eloquent. That’s me.

  Understanding clears her face and she nods, “Oh! I forgot! Of course.” She looks at Neil happily, “We’ve met before! You were wearing that mask that day so I didn’t recognize you!”

  I scrunch my face. “Recognize him from where?”

  Mom looks at me like I’ve gutted my brain. “You mean you don’t…” Then she shakes her head and laughs like the weird eccentric hag she’s playing out to be today. “Of course you know who he is!! How could you not?!!”

  What?! I go completely still and snap my eyes across at Neil. Our eyes collide and I notice his are filled with apprehension. When I turn back to Mom, her face scrunches in disbelief.

  “He’s Neil Mars!” she exclaims, waving her fork at him.

  Oh, yeah, Neil Mars! That really explains it. When I raise my eyebrows, she looks at me like she can’t believe I’m her flesh and blood.

  “Neil Mars?! Chicago Bears? Pro bowl quarterback?! Have you been walking around with a tin foil on your head?!!”

  I feel my hands and legs go limp. Pro bowl? Chicago Bears? God! That’s big. No. Not big. That’s huge! So he…he’s some kind of a football star?! Jesus! How come I didn’t know about this? Am I that out of touch with real life?! Well, it could be attributed to my zero interest in any form of physical activity. It could also be attributed to my having shun papers or TV for the last year. Instead, I’d spent that time obsessing over the internet, checking for any recent video uploads bearing my name.

  Then the past few days flash before my eyes. Our first meeting and…Nalini…she’d been awed by him. And then she’d said something about him being famous and I’d thought it was a jibe! She hadn’t been mocking him! She’d just been voicing a fact! But the party?! Oh. He’d been wearing the Batman mask. Then I remember the nudges and looks of admiration that had been thrown our way when we’d gone for lunch that first day. It isn’t just because he’s sexy-as-hell. It’s because he’s a sexy-as-hell freaking football star! Ohmygawd! Breathe, Kari. In and out.

  I look up. Neil smiles at me warily, like he expects me to bolt any second.

  “But you’d said you were planning on opening a dance studio?!” I ask.

  Mom cackles. Like, actually cackles. “Dance?! Studio?! A dance studio?” she repeats like it’s some sort of a weird-ass terminology that’s causing short-circuits through her brain.

  I see red. “Yes! A dance studio! Why? What’s so funny about it, Mom? Haven’t you heard of that famous hotdamn Russian dancer who…who…who came on the Sex and the City?” I snap at her.

  Mom’s face turns white and instead of answering me, she turns to Neil. “You’re opening a ballet studio?!”

  Neil shrugs his shoulders. “I’m more into alternative dance but I like ballet too.” Mom looks stricken while I give Neil a look that says, good for you little Billy Elliot!

  Then he looks at me, “And I really look up to that hotdamn Russian dancer. Michael Baryshnikov.” And right then I feel so proud. He knows that guy’s name! I feel like jumping up from my chair and shouting, ‘That’s my boyfriend, right there!!’

  “But that’ll be like a side thing, right?” Mom insists. “You’re not thinking of giving up football or anything?” I suck in a breath. Oh no! I hadn’t thought of it like that! That’s why Neil had talked about going back to Chicago to open his studio. That’s just his side gig. His real glory is football. And why would he want to give that up? Nobody should have to give that up!

  “Yes, I’ve taken my name off the team. It’s yet to be announced. My Mom needs me here and…” His eyes cut straight to mine. “…studios can open up anywhere I want to be.”

  I shake my head at him but don’t say anything. He cannot give up what he is just to be with someone. That’s just not how it works. You sacrifice too much for someone you end up hating them. I know. I’ve seen my Mom go through it.

  Although you really wouldn’t know that from the way she’s been acting tonight. She does tone down her exuberance for the rest of the dinner, but that doesn’t stop her from shoving her phone in his face every few seconds, just to take pictures of him eating, smiling, coughing, looking uncomfortable until I finally, put my foot down and confiscate her torture device.

  After dinner, I have to literally restrain my Mom from throwing random objects at him just so she can get his autograph on them. Now I’m standing on the doorway expecting her to give us a little privacy but considering that Neil just became her most favorite person in the whole wide world (which she professed herself, loudly and unflinchingly) because he gave her his wristband, she’s not likely to snap out of her fan-deliria any time soon.

  When Neil thanks my Mom for the dinner and hugs her, I actually get a little worried because her face turns so red, she almost looks feverish. But I guess there’s no need to worry. Her ruddy cheeks are probably just chafing under the onslaught of a furious blush and the nasty bite of a New York November night.

  Neil asks her if he can talk to me alone and for the first time that night my Mom pauses for a few seconds and looks at him like he’s a real person. Not a walking cardboard cut-out of her favorite football star but a real person who wonder of wonders…is actually interested in the fruit of her loins. Mom nods her head just a bit too eagerly and I can almost see the cog wheels spinning in her head. Future son-in-law. Brag rights for a life time. Score!

  She gives me a wink and as she leaves, she shuts the front door behind her. Christ! A wink from my Mom is never a good thing. And shutting the door is like giving me permission to throw myself at him! A ‘you can have your way with my daughter’ kind of gesture. Wow. I look at Neil. He’s standing there with that cautious look in his eyes again. Oh God! Is he really a football star?!! What am I supposed to do now?

  I guess…nothing?!

  He’s still the boy who bought a BLT for me, who punched Eddie in the face, who knows everything about my past and still doesn’t give a damn about it. And knowing who he is makes that a bigger deal than it already is. He’s a sports star and if that video ever went public, it could blotch his image. And yet he wants to be linked with me. Me. The one with the sex video and a seriously psychotic mother.

  I smile at him. “A football champ, huh?”

  His eyes widen and then he grins. “Yeah…you into jocks?”

  I step close to him and hook my fingers through the loops of his jeans. “Am now.”

  He bends his head over mine. “Didn’t scare you off?”

  “Not going anywhere,” I assure him but then I pull away and say forcefully, “But you are.” Neil quirks up an eyebrow in confusion.

  “You cannot give up football just to be here! I know Agnas needs you and I would give anything to be close to you but you just can’t make that big a sacrifice!”

  “It’s not a sacrifice,” he says simply and shrugs his shoulders. “I’m through with football.�
��

  “You’re through with football?!” I ask incredulously and he nods his head. I squint my eyes at him, “How old are you?”

  “Twenty three.”

  I shake my head in disbelief. “As you must know by now, I’m not exactly tuned into the current football scene…but…I’ve seen people twice your age play successfully. You can’t quit at twenty three!”

  He gives me a patient smile as his arm snakes around my waist and pulls me towards him. “It’s not about my age,” he says softly. “It just doesn’t move me anymore and I want to be here with Agnas…with you.”

  I look into his eyes. They only reflect the sincerity of his words. But I’m still not convinced. “Why doesn’t it move you anymore?”

  “I got pushed into football in school because I thought it was the best and fastest way to make money at that time. God knows, Agnas and I needed all the money we could get. I couldn’t even have afforded college if it hadn’t been for my scholarship. But now I just don’t want to do it anymore. It’s not my calling…you know what I mean?”

  “But aren’t you going to miss it? The fame? The money?”

  He smiles. “Those are just things one misses when one hasn’t had a taste of them. Trust me…there’s not much to lose there. Imagine your Mom fawning over you like that every single second you’re with her. Now imagine that being multiplied by a million.”

  “Ugh.”

  “Yup. And the money? I don’t want to sound like a whiny rich jerk but what good is it when you have to stay cooped up in places where real people don’t exist? Where everything flashes in your eyes like a disco orb? Where your team mates are itching to back-stab you every time you relax your guard a little?”

  I scrunch my face at him. “Your life sucks!”

  He laughs and then quiets down. “Not anymore.” My heart swells and feels like it’s about to burst out of my body and soar in the air. I drag my hands up his back, across the hard ridge of his shoulders, up his thick neck and into his soft, curly hair. It’s only when he pulls back that I see his face. It’s lit up with that same carefree happiness that just breaks my heart every single time I witness it. I touch my forehead to his and hold his face in my hands wishing in my heart that I could freeze this moment forever.

  “Will you come with me this Sunday night?” he says after some time.

  “Yes,” I reply without any thought or hesitation.

  He gives me his beautiful laugh again. “You didn’t even ask where!”

  “Sweetheart, anywhere is okay with me. As long as it’s with you.”

  His eyes go warm and his fingers curl around the back of my head. “Say it again.”

  I feign ignorance. “What?”

  “You know what,” he says softly.

  “Sweetheart,” I whisper in his ears. He sucks in a breath and closes his eyes like it caused him pain. When he opens them again, he looks at me for a second and then his face breaks out in a grin. What?!

  “Now, that’s way sappier than Angel!” he says.

  Agggh! I smack his chest and he doubles-up, pretending like it hurt. Then he throws his head back and laughs. After a few seconds of trying to look indignant, I cave-in as well. In spite of all the hits and misses it’s been a perfect day. Everything’s out there between us and yet. Here we are.

  The stars above peek through the maze created by the buildings towering all around us and we stay together under their beauty, cloaked in the darkness of this perfect night. Both of us unwilling to let go just yet.

  “I wish we could spend the night together,” I say as he holds me in his arms.

  When he doesn’t reply, I look at his face and realize the warmth in his eyes has turned up a notch, searing the air between us. My body stiffens. “I…I mean just be with each other. Not anything…I…” He silences my stuttering with his lips and I thaw at the gentleness of his touch. His love ripples through me. Intense, deep and heart-wrenching. My knees buckle and he grabs my waist, stopping me from collapsing in a puddle.

  “Oh God…this feels so nice, so perfect, so good, so so so…” I say breathlessly.

  “So, so so?”

  “No, I mean so…just so right!”

  He chuckles. “You had me worried there for a second.”

  “You have absolutely no reason to worry! You have mad kissing skills!”

  He grins before he gives me yet another sampling of his talent.

  “Kari…” I hear my Mom’s voice from behind me and I jerk away from Neil like he just poked me. Which he did. But it is not something I want to acknowledge at this point in our relationship. At least not in front of my Mom.

  “I was just coming inside,” I say sullenly when I notice she is wearing her work clothes again. Wha..?

  “No, no. I didn’t want to bother you two,” Mom says, smiling dotingly at the both of us. Jesus. Don’t bring out the yarn just yet, Mom!

  “Cary just called.” She looks at Neil and explains, “Cary’s my boss and he just got a big scoop…” Mom lowers her voice conspiratorially, “…on a movie star!”

  “That’s…great,” Neil replies, looking uncertain.

  “I know but the awful part is I have to head back to office.”

  “What?! Mom, you just got back an hour ago!” I look at her in dismay. This job is really stretching her taut. No holidays, weekends or even office timings to speak of!

  “I know but we’re going to break this news in the morning edition. I have to rush to office now, Kari. Will you be able to stay home alone for the night?”

  “Mom, please! Newsflash…I’m in college now!”

  “Yeah, but you get those nightmares sometimes and…”

  “Mom! You had to rush to office?”

  Thankfully, before she can divulge anything else, Mom immediately snaps back to her panic mode. She checks her wrist watch and turns to Neil but before she can go batty on him all over again, he speaks up. “If you don’t mind Ma’am, I can stay with Kari for the night.” My jaw falls open but Neil continues like he’s stating the most obvious fact in the world. “Of course, I’ll be on that comfortable couch I saw in your living room.”

  I see a range of emotions flicker across my Mom’s face. Shock, disbelief, thoughtful consideration and finally…a smile. WTF? She’s actually buying it?

  “Only if you give me your word,” she tells him with a stern expression.

  “Gentleman’s promise,” he smiles across at her and the deal is sealed. I wonder if I should say something? Like I’m a person with opinions and they should come under consideration as well? How do they know I don’t object to Neil staying alone with me…for the whole freaking night?! Oh, my freaking holy ghost! This is un-freaking-believable…and with my Mom knowing about it?! Dear God, I swear to all that is holy, I’ll never mock Mom’s football addiction ever again. Long live the Bears!

  Chapter Eleven

  “Just one more, please!” I squeal.

  Neil gives me a stern look. “No more.”

  “Just one teeny tiny one…puhhhlease!” I try to reach for the bottle myself but Neil grabs it and holds it away from me.

  “If I’d known you couldn’t hold your drink I would’ve never encouraged you.”

  “Oh! Come on, I’ve just had two glasses!”

  “Yes and that was only because you hoodwinked me.”

  “I didn’t! I really…hic…couldn’t sleep!”

  “Tell me honestly, your Mom doesn’t let you drink any of these…does she?” he waves towards my Mom’s not-so-secret stash of wine in the kitchen cabinet.

  I cover my mouth with my hand to stop the giggles from escaping and shake my head.

  “I knew it! She’s never going to trust me again,” Neil says woefully.

  “Oh! Come off it! I’m finally free today! It’s a good enough reason to celebrate. Actually, it’s a great reason to celebrate!”

  “But how can you get this drunk with just two glasses?”

  I cut him a smug look. “Hehehehe…you know I even
get drunk on beer?! Isn’t that the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard?!” I point to the bottle he’s still clutching in his hands. “Wanna see what happens with the third?”

  Neil gets up from behind the dining table, holding on to the bottle. “Nice try, Angel,” he says as he places the wine back in the cabinet and shuts it with a firm push. Spoil sport.

  When he turns back to face me, I put on my best come-hither expression. “Then how about I give you the time of your life?” Somehow the tic in my left eye makes it impossible for me to give a smooth delivery.

  Neil purses his lips and arches an eyebrow. “And how do you plan to do that?”

  “You have to…hic…sign up to get to that part. And the first step is registration.” I pout my lips and point a finger at them. “Press this button.”

  Neil looks at my lips for a long second. Then he looks away. “This being a gentleman thing sucks,” he mutters under his breath.

  “Speaking of sucks…” Neil rushes towards me and clasps his hand on my mouth.

  “How about a bed time story?” he says quickly.

  “Does it involve sucking?” I ask as his hand loosens and then just for the heck of it, I bite down on it.

  “Ow!” He snaps his hand off and cradles it. “What’s that for?!”

  “Yikes! Sorry!” I start to snicker but then bite my lips to cut it off. I don’t know why but laughing is making me feel a bit queasy.

  Oh I do know why. I’m drunk! Hehehehhee. I lick my lips feeling happy with my self-induced buzz. Neil looks at me, his eyes zero in on my lips again and for a second I see something flash through his eyes. But then he sighs deeply and says, “Yes, there’s sucking. Now can we?”

  “Yay! Vampires!” I clap my hands, do a little jiggy dance and then scamper off to my bedroom. I flop down on my bed and Neil walks in pinching the bridge of his nose. What’s that all about? Any-who! “I want two stories!” I yell at the top of my voice and I hear Neil muttering, “I’m never having kids.”

  What? “Why not?!” I wail. “I love kids! We’ll have two, okay? Bea and Ben.” I put out two fingers for him to count but Neil is staring at me with wild eyes, his feet transfixed to the spot. Then as if snapping out of a dream, he quickly moves and flicks a book from my table.