Of Course I Love You!: Till I find someone better…

by Durjoy Datta

  ‘Why? What happened to your software dreams?’ I knew the sarcasm would start flowing. ‘Or those KPOs, analytical firms and investment banks? No longer interested in working for them? Your non-technical jobs?’

  ‘Kids don’t know what they want to do. This is the problem with the whole generation,’ Mom said. Her voice was already squeaky with all that bargaining with the vendors, which wouldn’t amount to more than a few rupees saved. Maybe it just satisfied their egos. Probably gave them a topic to talk about in their next kitty party.

  ‘I know, Mom. I want to work in BHEL and then go to ISB or something. I have it planned out.’ I hadn’t. I was just looking for some security before I started going for other off-campus interviews. I was just as clueless and aimless as the moths buzzing around the halogen bulbs those vendors used.

  ‘Please talk to Mr Malhotra and try to get him in,’ Mom said.

  ‘I will do that. Which department do you want to work in?’ Dad asked. I could sense he had just won a moral war against the present generation. His rotting company still had young takers.

  ‘Piping,’ I said. It was the only department I knew of, besides the one Dad worked in. My dad’s department was not an option. His perfectionist attitude made me feel nervous as shit. Despite being a government employee, he worked like a maniac.

  My father nodded approvingly. I got my first job. The interview was shorter than expected. The conversation ended. Thank God for the rogue vegetable vendors who then had to be accused rightfully or wrongfully of faulty weights/pesticides/exorbitant prices.

  At the end of the day, I, too, ended like them, the rich bastards. I had a job I had not earned. I was nothing without the job Dad got me. Dad probably knew I had failed in getting placed beyond a silly IT job. What he would not know was that I had failed to get placed anywhere. But whatever it was, I knew he would never pick that topic up. I was a hero for him and he would never make me feel otherwise, no matter how many times I faltered.

  He loved his work. It was a government job, and he never slipped up. But now, everybody would have something to level against him.

  You know, Mr Roy? Yes, the one from the planning department. He got his son in. Heard he is from DCE. Must have failed or something. People like him are spoiling this office by getting everybody they know inside it.

  An office he had upheld over anything else. For thirty-two years. Dad would feel all that, but I would never get to know. He loved me. I loved him, too. I felt bad about that, but I didn’t have a choice. He deserved a better son.

  Once I got home, I called up Avantika to give her the good news.

  ‘I got the job. Aren’t you so proud of me? Now we can go shopping for the farewell night.’

  ‘So you did finally talk to your dad about it,’ Avantika said, clearly unimpressed.

  ‘Yes, I did. I told him I really wanted to work in BHEL. And that’s it. I got the job. Ha! I didn’t screw this one up,’ I said sarcastically. I wasn’t happy, but I was relieved.

  ‘That’s not talking to your dad. That’s lying to your dad. You will be in big trouble one of these days.’

  ‘I won’t. Guess what? Mom, Dad and Sonali are shifting to Hyderabad for a couple of years. They just told me about it. Mom wasn’t too keen about it but Sonali convinced them that it was the right thing to do.’

  ‘You didn’t know about it? They didn’t tell you?’

  ‘It wasn’t confirmed. But now, they are surely going.’

  ‘So you’re going to stay alone in Delhi? Where? How will you manage everything?’ she asked, concerned.

  ‘I will find a way! I will get a chance to live alone. Won’t that be the best thing ever?’

  ‘I don’t think you’re mature enough to live alone,’ she argued.

  ‘Oh, c’mon! I will manage. Did the HR department reply to your mail regarding the shifting of your posting from Bangalore to Delhi? Imagine, if they agree to it, you can come over and stay any time you want!’

  ‘This just makes me sadder. I don’t think they will agree to it,’ she conceded. ‘But I will come every second weekend if I get the time and stay at your place!’

  ‘That would be so much fun! But I still wish you didn’t have to go to Bangalore. If only my parents had told me they were shifting to Hyderabad, you could have sent the relocation mail earlier.’

  ‘Aw, don’t be sad now.’

  ‘I am not sad. I’m just thinking how great it would have been if you could have shifted to my flat,’ I said wistfully.

  ‘Okay, get over it now. Do you want me to choose your suit for the farewell night?’

  ‘That goes without saying,’ I said. We talked for a while and discussed the things we would have done together if she could have moved in. Having talked almost the entire night, we were tired and we drifted off, our phones still glued to our ears.

  The next day, she met me and we scoured every possible suit shop to find a suit for me. Avantika wasn’t in the best of moods that day. What had happened to Shawar still haunted her. After we bought my suit, she took me to his hospital room, guarded by police officers on both sides. My heart sank as soon as I set my eyes on him. The battered image of Shawar seared my mind. His condition was pitiable. He was extensively bandaged and every bit of white was soaked with blood. He had still not regained consciousness and was on the ventilator. I could not help but notice that he had lost his right leg. I held on to Avantika, who almost fainted. I felt sorry for him. It was a terrible sight. We did not exchange a word for the rest of the day.

  She told me that she needed to see Sri Guru at the soonest. I didn’t object but I wish I had because what Sri Guru would tell her would ruin my life.

  Chapter 15

  It was our farewell night and the four of us were cramped in the minuscule JCB 208 hostel room, trying to look our best for the day. Our best was other people’s average.

  ‘That’s so cool. You have so much to write about in your blog. The Shawar incident and then the cheating one,’ Viru said as he adjusted his tie. It didn’t do him any good. He just ended up looking like a low-budget movie star in his skin-hugging suit.

  ‘I am not writing controversial stuff any more. Radhika got to know about the shit I wrote about her. She cannot do anything about it. But Shawar will kill me this time if I write anything about him. And Avantika will do the same if I write anything about Yamini. But Yamini was a stunner, man!’

  I had started liking blogging. It was a vent and it had an audience. We all want to be noticed, don’t we? But I was taking liberties and not everyone thought I was funny. In fact, some people wrote me long emails telling me I was downright offensive.

  ‘C’mon, how will he get to know?’ Yogi said. He looked far better than Viru. But in isolation, the sherwani on his scrawny frame looked more like a huge rugged invisible cloak. But he looked good in the snaps we took and at the end of the day that is what mattered. Ten years down the line, we would only have pictures to remember this day. Or even the next day, when the pictures go up on Facebook or other social networking sites.

  ‘For your extremely kind information, my blog has some fifty dedicated readers. And I know there is one who knows Shawar through someone. Though it is slightly farfetched, why take the risk? I have been almost dead once and it was not nice.’

  ‘Who reads your blog?’ Shrey asked.

  ‘Gitanjali, one of my most regular readers.’ I said.

  ‘Who is Gitanjali now? Deb, tell me just one thing, where do all these girls keep coming from in your life? It is almost unrealistic! Is that all you do? Look out for girls?’ Yogi asked.

  ‘Oh, shut up. I am just lucky and she is just a reader,’ I said.

  ‘Is she hot, then?’ Shrey asked.

  ‘Naah, not quite. But she is well read. So her opinion counts.’

  Gitanjali was intelligent but looked just about okay. But then, I had started comparing everyone to Avantika so it wasn’t really fair.

  ‘Leave all that, yaar. I don’t want well-read
women in my life. It’s better to date dumb women who believe whatever you have to say. Can I meet Yamini sometime? Accidental meeting types?’ Shrey asked me.

  ‘No chance. Avantika wouldn’t let me within miles of Yamini’s reach. You can talk to Avantika, though.’

  ‘Fine, I will,’ Shrey said and the four of us hung around for a little more time in the hostel room. We didn’t want to be the first ones to be out there eating.

  The farewell crowd was great on the eyes. It left me wondering that if these girls could actually look so good, why didn’t they do it every day? For those few hours, I was proud of the gorgeous girls in my college. All the girls looked desirable in the backless blouses they wore, and I don’t know what they wore beneath it, but I sure spent a lot of time staring at all the wrong places.

  The evening, on the other hand, wasn’t anything spectacular. After the dancing and the nickname session got over, people pounced on the food. It always tastes better when there is no bill following it. Meanwhile, Yogi and Viru, drunk as shit, found it difficult to stand straight. However, they danced with the college dogs with unmatched finesse and grace.

  ‘Hey, Messenger! Where are you going?’ a voice called out from behind as I walked away from the main stage. Messenger was the name given to me by our juniors in the part where every senior was given a nickname. They chose Messenger, lame as it was, because I was always caught texting somebody or the other. Very creative indeed. I didn’t blame them, though. I was a nondescript senior and no one really knew about my existence.

  ‘Huh …? Nowhere. All this noise just got to me. Going for a walk,’ I said. I was running away from the food. I had no intentions to overeat that night. Especially not after the major trouble I had fitting into the suit I had bought myself barely a month back. Moreover, free food wasn’t a rarity now. Thanks, Avantika.

  ‘Can I join you? If you don’t mind?’ Vernita asked. She bent down to unstrap her stilettos and handed them over to me. They were heavy and pointy. I hadn’t yet said yes. Vernita looked radiant in her peacock blue glittery sari wrapped tightly around her, accentuating her fabulous behind and baring her midriff right down to her navel. An equally glittery blouse, held in place only by threads, and an equally glittery gold bag completed the picture.

  ‘Of course, you can join me.’

  We walked next to each other in silence. Five minutes passed by and neither of us had said a word. Finally, she broke the awkward silence.

  ‘See, Deb. Now that this is the last day in college, I thought let’s end it on a good note. We may not end up being good friends after we move out of college but at least let’s be friends for this last day,’ she said.

  ‘Sure.’

  I shot discreet glances at her massive cleavage even though I didn’t want to. I hadn’t had the opportunity to do that in a long time. It had been months since we had talked to each other. And we had been hurting each other in some way or the other. She had sold me out to Shawar. And I hadn’t been all that innocent either. But I was happy that we were finally talking, even if it was for one last day.

  ‘Now tell me, you were the asshole who told Sethi Sir that I missed the practical for a date, right? Don’t lie. I knew it was you, bastard,’ she said, laughing. ‘You nearly got me a back paper that day. I will never forgive you for that. It was so embarrassing.’

  ‘Okay! Did I? And what did you do? Shawar almost killed me that day!’

  ‘Don’t tell me. Could he do that?’ she giggled.

  ‘A lot more than that! But he is behind bars for good.’

  ‘Tanmay told me that he’ll be out in days. He is very connected, no?’

  ‘Even I thought so. But he had hit an MLA’s car on the way. The MLA’s son was injured too, so it may be a little tough. Rich people. Big egos.’

  ‘Okay. Isn’t it good?’ she said.

  ‘What? Shawar?’ I asked.

  ‘The walk, stupid.’

  ‘Yup.’ It was. It was a beautiful night. No stars or anything, but the long road from the hostel to the campus, which had witnessed four years of great memories, made it beautiful. Not that we couldn’t come back and experience it again. But it wouldn’t be the same. We would no longer be a part of the road, or the buildings or the college. It just wouldn’t be the same.

  I wasn’t in love with my college. My four years had been eventful, but the college had nothing to do with it. I hadn’t made many friends, as I thought the students weren’t my type. I was too busy pursuing and going out with girls, most of whom I found intolerable. When I saw huge groups of guy buddies, I used to feel a little jealous. I wanted to be a part of a huge group of guys who run amok and find trouble. But I was not comfortable in large boisterous groups after a few unpleasant experiences in school.

  But I would still miss college. It was still the place I first held hands with a girl, first kissed, and first finished in the last ten in class rankings. College was the place where I made my transition from a fat nerd to a semi-fat, non-nerd. It was much better than the torturous time in school, where I was a bloated bag of people’s jibes.

  When I passed out of the twelfth, I never thought I would get over the bullying I was subjected to during my school days. I was broken and ashamed of myself. But the four years of college had changed that. I had redeemed myself even though the irreparable damage caused still bore tell-tale signs on my personality. It was a small victory over those who had mocked me at school, but it was a significant one. In my times of self-doubt, a remnant of years of ridicule, Avantika used to joke, ‘They aren’t dating the prettiest girl ever, you are. Feel proud of what you are. You’re special.’ I would smile and brush it away and never tell her how much her words meant to me.

  ‘Vernita, I am sorry, I lied. But I really didn’t think you guys would make such a big issue out of it … and it seems pretty stupid now that Avantika and I are happy with each other.’

  ‘Deb, let’s not debate that. It was a big issue. For Tanmay, it was. You were bloody fucking his sister when you already had a girlfriend. For me, I was upset that you lied to me. You could have at least tried to make me understand,’ Vernita argued.

  ‘I am sorry for that. But I just didn’t know what I was doing. We couldn’t have met had we told you. I am sorry, anyway. But I missed you and hated you. You didn’t even bother to contact me—’ I was interrupted by a screeching Vernita.

  ‘I didn’t bother? I? Even today I bothered, not you. All this time, I have been bothering, Deb. I know everything you do, everywhere you go. I had to listen to Shrey’s NPL bullshit just to know how you were doing. And you? Was it so easy to walk off with her? Just one night and you killed our friendship? Three years, damn it! How could you do it? Did it ever occur to you what I was going through? I love you, Deb. I always have.’ She broke down into little sobs. For the first time in four years, I saw her crying. It was unreal and sweet at the same time.

  ‘WH … what?’ I asked, as we sat down on the pavement.

  ‘Deb, don’t read too much into it.’

  ‘But what did you mean when you said you loved me?’

  ‘I had this huge crush on you in the first year.’ She sniffed and coughed and tried to stop crying. ‘And don’t look at me that way. I am not crying any more, dick.’

  ‘Sorry. Go on,’ I said.

  Quite frankly, I felt like the handsomest guy in the world. I knew I wasn’t even in the vicinity of handsomeness, but there had to be a reason for all the luck I had had, with the stunning women in my life. And I chose this one: I must be handsome. It made perfect sense.

  ‘I mean, I had boyfriends, boyfriends who are far better-looking and more accomplished than you. But I always wondered what it would be like to date you. I mean, you’re smart and funny. I just used to think we should be together.’

  Funny and smart, I noted those down.

  ‘But why didn’t you ever tell me that?’ I asked. I was sure I would have said yes, at least my hormones would have made me do so. You have to imagine the mo
st popular girl in college asking out the ugly outcaste—that’s what represented the two of us in college.

  ‘Why didn’t I ask you? Can you remember a single day you hadn’t trashed me for something or the other? I was always a loud, brash girl for you. You never treated me like you would treat somebody you would like to date. I didn’t want to be one of the girlfriends you used to have during those days. It was hard. You would have probably laughed at me then and walked off to sleep with somebody else.’

  Laughed at her? Not in my wildest dreams. I would have stared at her in disbelief and shock. And I would have locked us inside Tanmay’s car, the one with the tinted windows.

  ‘Excuse me, what do you mean I would have gone and slept with someone else? I have just kissed four girls in my entire life. I wish you had tried!’

  ‘Poor you … just four?’ She took out a small mirror and started setting her smudged kajal right.

  ‘Whatever. I am not as bad as you make me out to be. So, do you still, you know?’ I asked.

  ‘Obviously not! That was just an emotional outbreak. I love Tanmay quite a lot now.’

  ‘Do you? I thought you just had to go on with him till the time Avantika and I broke up,’ I said.

  ‘Why so?’

  ‘This guy will just fuck you and leave you. Remember that? It would have been a little hypocritical then if you guys broke up before we did.’

  ‘Yes, maybe. But I love this guy. I met his parents at the Spirit of Living convention. They kind of like me, too. Saw Avantika, too, though she wasn’t looking very happy. Are things all right between the two of you?’

  ‘Things are perfect.’

  Avantika? Sad? She always is, whenever she is with her parents.

  ‘She is beautiful. You are a lucky bitch. You are not planning to dump her, are you?’

  ‘Not in the next hundred years, I suppose.’

  ‘She is lucky too,’ she said. ‘I am glad you finally found someone you can be in a relationship with and not with someone who was willing to just get intimate with you.’