Of Course I Love You!: Till I find someone better…

by Durjoy Datta

  ‘Hi, Astha!’

  ‘Hi, Deb.’

  ‘What are you doing? I hope you are not busy.’

  ‘No, Neeti and I just finished the dishes.’

  Amit had already drifted into his daydreams. This was the longest sentence he had heard from her.

  ‘Okay. Actually, Amit and I were kind of getting bored. So we thought we would bore somebody else too.’

  ‘No, it’s okay. You tell me. How are you finding the work? Have you started working yet?’

  Amit had shit his pants for all I could guess. I could tell he was feeling insecure. He always did that when he saw other guys talking to her.

  ‘It’s good. I was just wondering, I mean, if you aren’t doing anything, whether we could meet up. Amit has something really important to tell you.’

  ‘Amit? Really? Actually it’s very late. I won’t get an auto back home. I … am sorry.’

  ‘Don’t worry about that. I will drop you home. I don’t think that will be problem.’

  ‘Um … err … Neeti isn’t well, too. Can we do this some other time? If he doesn’t mind? I am really sorry about today.’ Amit stopped pacing and sat down beside me, pretending to read the newspaper, big tears edging his eyes.

  ‘Never mind. It’s okay. It wasn’t anything important. We will meet up whenever it is convenient for you.’

  ‘I am very sorry I couldn’t come,’ she said. Amit rolled over the bed, covering his face with the newspaper.

  ‘It’s fine. Never mind! Ohh! The match is on. Can I catch you later?’

  ‘Okay, bye. And I am sorry. I am very sorry,’ she said.

  ‘It’s all right, bye. I hope Neeti gets well soon.’

  Click. I disconnected the call and turned to Amit, ‘Hey dude! Are you crying?’

  ‘No, I am not,’ he squeaked and sniffed.

  ‘Yes, you are. It’s okay. She said we would do it some other time. She couldn’t help it. Neeti is ill.’

  ‘Shut up. She was lying. First, she said she couldn’t come because she wouldn’t get an auto. Then suddenly Neeti fell ill. I tell you, she doesn’t like me! What if she already has a boyfriend? Or maybe her parents have already seen a guy for her? Maybe she likes Kumar from the equipment department? Damn, Deb. What do I do? Why did she do this to me? What did I do wrong?’ Amit had again slipped into one of his hype-paranoid motor-mouthing sessions.

  Why did Avantika turn me down?

  ‘Hey. First, you haven’t done anything wrong. You haven’t done anything. And she definitely doesn’t have a boyfriend. Or a suitor. Whatever.’

  ‘Then why did she turn me down?’ he asked and wiped off discharges from various places. I wondered whether he would allow the yellow stain to become a crust before he wiped it with his shirt again. He didn’t.

  ‘She didn’t turn you down. She just said we would do it some other time.’

  ‘But why?’

  ‘Maybe it was just too sudden. Maybe she wanted some time to get ready and stuff. You know that, don’t you? These girls, you know, they need a lot of time to decide what they have to wear on their first date. That needs a lot of planning. Maybe she didn’t want to disappoint you by looking bad on her first date.’

  ‘But she never looks bad. I like her the way she is.’ Amit sometimes behaved so cutely that I felt like kissing him. He reminded me of myself, pre-college, pre-make-outs, and pre-night-outs.

  I like you the way you are. Please come back, Avantika.

  ‘Maybe, but she doesn’t know that. Have you told her that? No, you haven’t. So how do you expect her to know? You don’t even talk to her.’

  ‘No,’ he said.

  ‘I know that. I think she wants to look even better when she sees you outside the office. That is the reason she was apprehensive about today.’

  ‘Better?’ he exclaimed. He again reminded me of myself when I used to look at Avantika without even an iota of lust in my eyes, before I first saw her naked. But he was much dumber than I was.

  ‘Yes, better,’ I said.

  ‘Deb, you always get the girls you want. That is why you don’t understand me. I love her, but there is nothing I can do. I cannot talk to her like you do. I cannot be as cool as you are. I am scared, Deb. Will I ever get her?’ he asked as he sobbed softly.

  ‘That is not true, Amit. And you know that. I loved Avantika, but …’ I trailed off.

  ‘I am sorry, Deb. I forgot. I am very sorry. Let us not talk about this.’

  We kept quiet for a while before he started again, ‘But tell me, have you ever felt like I am feeling right now?’ he asked.

  ‘As in?’ I asked. He intended to change the topic, as he saw the life being sucked out of me, but he couldn’t do it as well as I would have liked him to.

  ‘I mean, have you had a crush? Like running after somebody and trying to catch her attention? Being helpless in expressing your love? I have never liked somebody the way I like her,’ he sighed.

  ‘For better or worse, I was like you in school. I had a ten-year long crush on a girl—Manisha, but I could not get her. I could never tell her. Not in the way I wanted to. You at least exchange hellos. I didn’t have the courage to do even that. All I did was to stare at her for days, hoping something would happen. Quite obviously nothing did. Before Avantika came, I always dated girls who resembled her. Small, fair, cute. I thought a lot about her till Avantika came around and changed everything,’ I said.

  Ten years? You’re kidding me, Deb! You were a loser! That is what Avantika had said. Manisha had sort of known about my crush as had my entire batch. But in those times, I defined the word—undateable. That would not have changed even if I happened to be the last guy living. But after school, I lost weight, lost my conscience, gained oodles of confidence in the year I had dropped before getting to DCE and dated girls who looked like her with a vengeance. I became directionlessness personified.

  ‘Are you trying to scare me? What will happen to me? I cannot wait ten years. She will get married. What should I do, Deb?’ He went paranoid again.

  ‘Chill, Amit. You have me. I didn’t.’

  ‘Do you think I will get her?’

  ‘Yes, you will.’ I was glad I hadn’t got Manisha. I would have never known how beautiful life could be. Not to forget, how sexy and wild too. And painful.

  Chapter 19

  ‘Get up. Get up. Get up, Deb! DEB!’ It took me quite some time before I realized that it wasn’t a dream, that Amit was trying to wake me up. He was actually trying to do that.

  ‘Ahh … it’s just eight, Amit. Go to sleep,’ I yawned.

  ‘The punching time is eight forty. We’ve got to leave right now!’ he said.

  ‘We will be going by car, you asshole. Won’t take more than twenty minutes. Let me sleep. Anyway, the guard will punch my card in.’

  ‘What guard?’

  ‘What do you mean what guard? He is the one who punches my card. So I can go as late as I want to. Or miss office if I want to.’ I turned around to see Amit, as he stood there, dressed and his briefcase in his hand. ‘Oh shit! You are ready. It will still take me an hour to find my underwear.’

  ‘Please hurry. I will let the guard punch my card tomorrow, too, but please get up now. Just today. Tomorrow, I promise we will sleep till late. And go as late as you want to, but hurry up. Have you done your sheets? Obviously, you haven’t. Have you made the gift? No, you haven’t. What the hell do you think you are doing? If you don’t want to get kicked out, get up and get ready.’

  At last, I felt like hauling my ass up to the office. Getting kicked out of a government-owned firm? Now that would have been a failure I would never live down.

  We reached the office about five minutes late. The guard was quite surprised to see me so damn early. I handed over Amit’s ID to him and instructed him to do the same. It took me quite some time to convince Amit to make the possibly career-damaging move. It is only the punching of your I-card that counts. The accounts department had no idea whether you had been to
office or not, if your card was punched every day. I owed the guards at least half my salary.

  Just as we settled down at our computers, the sound boomed again. It was the sound I had come to hate the most. It was Mr Goyal again.

  ‘So, Deb? Are you ready with your sheets?’ he asked with the same demonic smile running across his face. I could break that face without a speck of guilt.

  ‘Yes, sir, I am almost done with it,’ I said. I didn’t even know which sheet he was shouting about. But I didn’t want him to win.

  ‘Ohh? That’s good to hear. Finding it too easy, gentleman? Quite like your dad. He never used to respect the piping department. He, too, found it easy. So, it’s easy?’

  I knew he was throwing me a challenge and it would be foolish to accept it. But then, this was my father’s battle and I didn’t want to let him down, even though he probably wouldn’t even know about it.

  ‘It is not that tough, that’s all I can say.’

  ‘Okay, then I want the full isometrics of the BINA refinery project ready by tomorrow. By nine sharp. Best of luck,’ he said and rolled away.

  I could now break open his jaw, burst open his tummy and hang him by his sack till it burst open, too. I knew I had won the psychological battle, but he had won the verbal one. There was no way the whole piping floor combined could have completed the work in a day. Let alone, Amit. For me, I would have to be reborn at least a hundred times just to think about doing it. I was told all this by Amit. I did not know what Goyal had asked me to do. It was only after I repeated what Goyal said word for word to a flabbergasted Amit, that I realized what I had put my hands into.

  ‘Are you mad? How are you supposed to do it? Okay, how am I supposed to do it? That’s designing at least twenty-five pipes. In a day. Even if I do it at the pace of one an hour, it will still take a whole day. Oh great, we are already an hour short. Why are you looking at me like that? I am not going to do it. Not for anything that you give me. It’s twenty-five pipes. The whole department takes a month to do that. No, not this time.’

  I knew he would do it. His non-stop blabbering meant he was thinking how to go about it.

  ‘Okay, fine. I was thinking of asking Astha and Neeti out tonight,’ I said, ‘but since you won’t do it for anything in the world, let’s drop that plan.’

  ‘Were you? Seriously? You were about to ask her again? What if she refuses again? Please do something. You promised you would.’ Our symbiotic relationship kicked in again.

  ‘I will do it. But just in case …’

  ‘Okay, I will do the pipes. But I won’t be able to do all of it. It’s a lot to do. But I will try. I promise I will try.’

  ‘Why do you think I care? That bastard knows this can’t be done. Just do five or six and that would be enough for me to kick his ass.’

  ‘Fine, but when will you ask them about tonight? I mean, do that early. You know, girls take time for planning their first date and all,’ he said, trying to mimic me.

  ‘Ohh! Is that so? Why don’t you go and do it yourself, then?’ I said.

  ‘Why don’t you go and do these sheets yourself, then?’ he challenged.

  ‘Okay, you win. I am off.’ I left for the eighth floor where Astha worked.

  The only thing that made my days bearable was the unsaid love between these two. They were these grown kids who had never loved or lusted before. I loved being around them. In a way, I felt close to Avantika. I, too, loved her a lot. Just that it hadn’t worked out. But I wanted this to work out. I knew it wouldn’t be easy to convince Astha and Neeti to agree for a date … let alone one extending beyond sunset. But the refusal the day before was smoother than what I had expected from a girl who was new to this city known for its inability to treat women with respect. She hadn’t been very clever while turning it down, but I had expected it to be worse.

  Amit had been trying to convince me for a day date, but I knew that would make no sense. It wouldn’t make any difference. Both of them would have found something interesting around them to stare at, rather than actually talk.

  I climbed the stairs to the eighth floor. It had been quite some time since I had actually moved out of my small world of office, Amit and my flat. So, for a moment, I did find the girls there bordering on attractive. The girls are waiting.

  I tried to shrug off thoughts of Shrey. He had been having quite some fun with his equally desperate IIT buddies. He never forgot to mail me about that. I don’t think he missed any of the strip clubs in his city and beyond. His propensity to party and still work hard was commendable.

  I never replied to his mails.

  Astha wasn’t at her seat. However, I spotted Neeti at the coffee dispenser.

  ‘Hi, Neeti.’

  ‘Hi, Deb? Sorry we couldn’t come yesterday. I wasn’t well. First, my stomach was upset, then my throat, and I started to feel feverish but the fever never came. I was so weak. I wish we could have come. Hope you didn’t mind. Plus it was so late in the night … Can’t we do it in the morning time? Weekends. Fun, no? But I am so sorry again.’

  ‘It’s okay. Do you have any idea where Astha is?’ I replied after trying to make sense out of what she had just shrieked.

  ‘Oh, Astha! Look. Think of the devil and here she is. Hi, Astha, Deb was looking for you.’

  ‘Hi, Deb. I am really sorry,’ Astha said as she tucked a few strands of hair behind her ear. She almost dropped the fifty-odd rolls of sheets precariously held beneath both her armpits.

  ‘It’s okay. You don’t have to apologize.’ It had almost become a kind of reflex action for them. I had cancelled a million plans with my friends and could never recall a single time when I had apologized. Maybe that was the difference.

  ‘Anyway, now that I see Neeti is doing all right and I know Amit and I will have nothing to do tonight as well, I am asking you out again. And this time you don’t have an option. I will pick you up at nine. Right?’

  ‘Perfect. I would be only too happy to come,’ Neeti screamed and almost jumped.

  ‘And you, Astha?’

  ‘Yes, sure, Deb. Nine it is.’ She couldn’t possibly blush with that complexion of hers but had she been any fairer, she would have looked like a ripe tomato. A pink tomato.

  I bumped into Amit just as I moved out of the process department. Apparently, he had been there all this while, trying to gauge something from our expressions. ‘So, Deb? Did she say yes?’ he asked as I walked towards him.

  I didn’t answer and stared at him with a dull stolid expression. I loved to do that.

  ‘Deb? Please don’t do that. Tell me. Say something.’

  ‘You had better get down to work. You have a hell of a lot to do,’ I said.

  The very next moment he picked up all eighty kilograms of me and shouted the living daylights out of me. Needless to say, he was happy. Very happy indeed.

  I left the office early that day. I had promised to make a gift for Astha. Something that he could give her when they went out for the first time. More than for him, I wanted to do this for myself. The gift I was to make for her was the one I had planned to make for Avantika, but never got a chance.

  The gift didn’t take that long because I had already made it a thousand times in my head and because I didn’t actually make it myself. I had a designer friend who used to design packets for bakeries and FMCG companies. He hardly took an hour to put everything together. It was a beautiful small, square paperweight made out of papier-mâché. Five of its six faces had the alphabets used in Astha and a paragraph written about the good things in her that started with those letters.

  As Avantika and Astha shared three alphabets, the writing part wasn’t that tough. It turned out beautifully. It was big enough not to get lost and small enough to be used as a paperweight. It was something that she could keep with her at all times. How I wish I could have gifted it to Avantika.

  ‘Deb, this is beautiful. I didn’t know you could make such a thing,’ Amit said. I realized it was not just the girls who had a
reflex sorry, even Amit had a reflexive thank you.

  ‘It’s okay. But will you please sit down now? We are not leaving before eight and there are still a couple of hours to go.’

  ‘Eight? But they live so far off. Won’e it take at least an hour and a half to reach there?’ he said.

  ‘Half an hour, Amit, just half an hour. Sit down and relax. Don’t tire yourself out. And I’ll be thankful if you start with the work while we are still here,’ I said.

  ‘What if there is a traffic jam? What if we get late? A flat tyre? Anything can happen.’

  I was about to kill him. He was losing it.

  ‘Late? We have three hours to go. We are already dressed up and I have the car keys in my hand. And you think we will get late? Have you totally lost it?’ I shouted.

  ‘Okay, I am sorry. Don’t get angry now. Please,’ he said and silence took over. Only for while, though. ‘Does that mean I still have time to change my shirt?’

  ‘Okay, that’s it. Now I do have to kill you,’ I said and darted towards him. He ran and bolted himself in his room. ‘Good for me, Amit. I am not letting you out before nine. I am sorry, I lied.’ I bolted the door from outside.

  The next few hours were the noisiest ever. Amit kept on shouting for an hour or so and then shut up. He must have slept off, I thought. Or maybe he hadn’t. Maybe he was doing the sheets. That’s what I hoped for, at least.

  ‘Deb, can’t you drive a little faster?’ Amit said, tugging constantly at my shirt, as he always did whenever he was nervous. Like a petulant kid.

  ‘Don’t you worry, buddy. We will be there by ten.’

  ‘By ten? That’s an hour late. Deb, why don’t you ever listen to me? I am older than you. I got late in the morning, too. Why do you do this to me? Don’t you like me or what? Okay, leave that. I have a whitener with me. Can we just erase the love you part from this paragraph? I mean, isn’t it too early? What if she doesn’t like it?’

  ‘This is my favourite song. One word more and I will throw you out.’ It was my favourite song. The first one Avantika had dedicated to me. Accidentally in love—Counting Crows.