Of Course I Love You!: Till I find someone better…

by Durjoy Datta

  I could never figure out why you remember these things when they don’t matter anymore. The funny part—you never remembered them when they did matter. Okay, I just lied; Avantika and I celebrated every monthly anniversary, our fiftieth date, the hundredth date, our first kiss, absolutely everything. I had been looking forward to 20 May, the day our relationship started, our one-year anniversary, but Avantika had other plans. She had left me by then. She saved me a lot of money, though.

  ‘Sorry,’ Amit said and looked away.

  He was such a kid, fifteen not twenty-four. I wished to be him. I wished to be me. I wished to be Avantika’s toothbrush or hairbrush.

  Chapter 20

  ‘Where are we going?’ Neeti shrieked in my ear.

  I had begged on my knees until they were scraped but Amit refused to sit in the back seat with Astha. As a result, I had to turn the rearview mirror at an awkward angle so that Amit could see her and vice versa. Everyone was blushing. It was a pink world out there.

  ‘I don’t know. You tell me,’ I said.

  ‘India Gate! India Gate! India Gate!’ Neeti jumped up and down. The transformation was complete. I was a babysitter, now stuck with two shy kids and one over-zealous one. I didn’t drink or dance. But I loved going to clubs, a thing that I had picked up from Avantika. India Gate was never in my scheme of things. Only forty-year-olds went to India Gate with kids in tow and ate off of plastic plates.

  I had a few places in mind but I was sure they wouldn’t be interested. They were seven and I was the forty-year-old uncle keeping them together.

  It had been two months since I had started earning and I hadn’t spent a single paisa. All my expenses were taken care of either by my parents or Amit.

  I waited for quite some time for somebody else to speak but nobody did. Amit and Astha were too busy playing hide-and-seek in the rearview mirror. Shrey would have been blowing kisses by now or kissing her real good, had he been in the back seat.

  ‘India Gate is fine by me. Amit? Astha?’ I asked.

  ‘Fine,’ Amit said.

  We reached India Gate at around 11.30 p.m. I had taken a very long route, as I didn’t want too many people hanging around. There weren’t a lot of people when we got there. It wasn’t a bad choice. In addition, that meant more time with the three of them. Neeti, I was not sure, but I simply loved the other two.

  The imposing India Gate looked like it always did—gigantic, overwhelming and thought-evoking. I had often thought of reading the names written on it and counting them, but never got the time to do so. I had my entire forties to do that.

  The few people who were on the huge lawns were winding up their picnic stuff to leave. I had come here often with Mom and Dad as a kid. The ragpickers had already started picking up the pieces the families had left behind. I, too, was doing the same. Picking up the pieces.

  We crossed the arched metal ropes that marked the boundary of the lawns and walked towards the lake. I quite liked this place as a kid.

  ‘So, Neeti. We are here. Want some ice cream?’ I asked, as I wanted to leave Astha and Amit alone for a while.

  ‘Yes, sure. Let’s go. Let’s go! I did see the vendors somewhere. Where did they go? Where? Where? Let’s go. Where is that?’ she asked.

  ‘Over there,’ I motioned.

  ‘Let’s go,’ Amit said.

  ‘Amit, you don’t have to accompany us. We just want some time alone. Do you mind?’ I asked. And expectedly, he didn’t get it. He started giving me the naughty you look. But as long as he didn’t come with us, I was fine.

  ‘Okay, we will just wait here,’ he said. Astha seemed to have found something really interesting about the earthworms crawling about, as she never bothered to look up. She was as nervous as Amit was, if not more.

  ‘They love each other, don’t they?’ Neeti asked, nudging me rhythmically with her elbow.

  ‘Yeah, I think so. But they never talk. They never meet up. I hope they do that after today.’

  ‘That’s why you came alone with me here. Very smart, you are. I always knew it,’ she said.

  ‘Yes, very smart,’ I said. I tried not to further the eardrum-risking conversation. I looked back to see how Amit was doing. They were facing each other, all right. But I was sure they hadn’t exchanged a single word. He was fiddling with the paperweight that jutted out from his back pocket. I wondered if he would muster up the courage to give it to her.

  ‘They are not talking, still? I know. She is always like that. She never speaks in front of him. You know what? I wasn’t ill yesterday. She didn’t want to come. She is old-fashioned, you know? I am not like that. I wanted to come. But she said it’s not right to go out like this. I am always ready. I am very modern.’

  I had gotten used to such nonsensical blabbering from her. When I first met her, I thought she was a lunatic. Though she wasn’t, she came pretty close to it.

  ‘I hope they do talk,’ I said, as we dragged our feet to the ice cream vendor. ‘Hey, I am getting a call. Just hold on,’ I said.

  It was Shrey from a number that could be from anywhere.

  ‘Hey, dude! What’s up?’ he had already picked up an accent. An American one from Germany and he was using it with unmatched gusto.

  ‘Your accent is, for one,’ I said.

  ‘Sorry, yaar! You know, having an accent here helps. With the girls, you know! No one wants to date someone from India. So I give them stories about how I was born in Kenya, and then moved to the States and lived in London for a while. Either they catch me lying or I get lucky! Most of the women here anyway can’t speak a word of English!’

  ‘I don’t want to know any of that. By the way, where are you calling from this time? Military headquarters?’

  ‘Nope. I am at a German friend’s place. And she is so hot and has a great ass, man! I am staying at her place for a while. Not that I am going to get lucky or anything, but it’s still worth a shot. Worst-case scenario is that I still get to see her prance about in her lingerie. I love how confident these women are about their bodies.’

  ‘So life is great, huh?’ I said mockingly.

  ‘Great? It’s awesome, man. The project is going great. We have finally managed to incorporate a special electronically controlled gearing mechanism that divides the fuel …’

  ‘Why do you think I care? Just cut out that part.’

  ‘Okay, never mind.’ Amit would have said sorry after this, I thought. Even Astha.

  He continued, ‘But the sex is great, man. You should come over some time. Maybe we can set you up with someone. I talk a lot about you and they go all teary eyed when I tell them how perfect your relationship was and how dedicated you were.’

  ‘Sorry, I am not interested.’

  ‘You still haven’t got over her, have you? Go out man, have some fun.’

  ‘I am having fun, Shrey,’ I said irritably.

  ‘Is that so? Where are you?’

  ‘I’m out with friends … and I am having fun,’ I said as I walked away from Neeti.

  ‘Guys or chicks?’

  ‘Two couples. Happy?’

  ‘How’s your chick?’ he asked. I looked at Neeti, who smiled. She wasn’t bad if not for her badly buckled jeans, frilly top and eighties’ make-up. And the way she spoke. Or behaved.

  ‘She is good.’

  ‘Have you slept with her, yet?’

  ‘Why are you sounding like Viru?’

  ‘No, seriously. Go out there and give her the time of her life. You are Deb, after all. She is waiting, man. All the girls are waiting. By the way, I called Viru, too. Yogi was there as well. They still share a room. They said they miss you.’

  I didn’t care. They almost didn’t exist for me. But it did make me feel better. I made a mental note of calling them, though I never did.

  ‘Have to hang up now. Bye.’

  ‘Bye, Shrey.’

  ‘Sleep with her. Do it for me. And yes, I saw Suhel’s profile yesterday. He has put up his picture with Vandana up there. B
loody asshole. Though Vandana has got a little chubbier. Anyway, bye.’

  ‘Bye.’

  Click. He was fucking around to death, but I still didn’t wish to be him, I wished to be Amit. I wished to be Avantika’s mirror. Even her doormat wouldn’t be bad. Ceiling fan would have been better. At least I would be able to look at better things.

  Shrey still loved Vandana, I thought as I walked back to Neeti. That is all that matters, I told myself. At the end of the day, that’s all that matters.

  ‘Deb, I think they talked. I saw them. He gave her something when you were talking. So sweet, no? What was that? Do you know what he gave her? Did you help him get it for her? Did you?’ she asked, her excitement level not dipping a teeny-weeny bit.

  ‘Nothing. Let them see.’

  I couldn’t actually tell whether they were talking but she was alternating between looking at the gift and him. Eye contact was a huge step forward. And that meant I had to stay away from them for a lot longer.

  ‘Deb? Deb! Tell me! How many girls have you gone out with? How many?’

  ‘There have been a few,’ I answered, not striving for any real conversation.

  ‘I expected this. Never mind, how many have you kissed? What does it feel like? Do you think they will do that today? Tell, tell, tell. I am so curious!’

  It came back. The girls are waiting. I was trying to keep this away from my mind. But Neeti was as easy as they come. Should I do it? I could have got her to do anything within days. It had been months since I had even talked to anybody other than these two girls.

  ‘It feels good. Why do you think everybody keeps doing it all the time?’

  ‘You are so lucky. You must have done it so many times. Tell me no, how do you do it?’

  This was going to be a long evening.

  ‘It’s pretty easy if you ask, and doesn’t matter how you do it as long as you are in love.’

  Pointless slobbering of tongues.

  ‘Okay, tell me more! When did you do it the first time? Where did you do it? You are not telling me anything. This is not fair. Tell, please no, please no, please no,’ she screeched.

  ‘I don’t remember,’ I said.

  ‘What do you mean you don’t remember? Try Deb, try! Okay, when was your first kiss? Where did you do it? How was it? I am sure you remember that. Now don’t lie, you have to tell me something. I am your friend, no? Pleeeease!’

  I remembered every second of it. If my memory allowed a little more, I could have told her how many times I exhaled that night. ‘I don’t know. That’s too personal,’ I said as I stretched out on the lawns. The starless sky wasn’t as enamouring as it had been on the night of the Farewell. Nothing was.

  ‘I am sorry to have asked.’ That happened to be her shortest screech that day.

  ‘Don’t be.’

  I turned to see how Amit was doing. They were doing better. They still weren’t talking to each other, but their eyes were locked for sure. They sat on the bench close to the lake under a big tree. There couldn’t have been a more ideal place. Smriti and I once had sex there, at five in the morning. We had driven all night to find a place where we could park and make out. We didn’t find any and we were running into cops everywhere. My car windows weren’t tinted, so that didn’t help us either. Eventually, we came to that place, in dire need of a walk after the long drive. We had no intentions of doing anything out there as it was almost morning. But our fate, horny as it was, had other plans. As we sat on the bench, the hug gave way to groping and within a few moments my unzipped jeans were around my knees while she was literally naked, breathing heavily and moaning as I pushed myself into her, clawing in deep at her thighs. I had bundled her skirt in a lump near her waist and pulled her top right up to her neck. A few morning walkers were close by, but we carried on. Maybe we didn’t care that they were there or perhaps the risk of somebody spotting us egged me on. It had started raining then. We carried on until the rain became a little hard to handle. We had to rush back to the car parked alongside the railing. Half naked. The car had fogged up from the inside due to the rain. And we finished our unfinished business. We had forgotten her thong on that bench. We decided to leave them behind. That day was right up there in my list of make-outs. Any such list is incomplete without a session in the open.

  ‘Deb, why are you so lost? I know I am not interesting enough. I am sorry for boring you. Okay, you tell me what we should do now? Anything that you want. Okay, I will tell you something. You know Kumar from the equipment department? You know, no?’

  ‘Yes, I know. Everybody knows him. The one who hits on everybody, I know.’

  ‘No, you don’t know then. He doesn’t hit on everybody. I think he likes me. He comes to my desk at least twenty times a day. He likes me, no? What do you think? Does he like me?’

  ‘Yes, I really think he does.’ It still wasn’t helping.

  I looked at Amit. His eyes were still set on Astha. I wondered if he was blinking. Or if Astha was blinking any less than a million times a second. It didn’t seem real. Every second that Amit spent staring at Astha meant an extra second of humiliation from Mr Goyal. Twenty-five sheets.

  ‘Yes, Neeti. He is good. I think you should go around with him.’

  ‘But I don’t want to. I don’t love him. I know he is good, but maybe he is not lucky enough,’ she gave out a punctuated he-he giggle.

  ‘Maybe you will start loving him. Go out and try him at least,’ I said.

  ‘But Deb, I don’t love him. I love somebody else,’ she said. For the first time I saw a hint of sadness in her eyes. It wasn’t actually sadness. Her eyes had just lost their twinkle and weren’t wide open like always. That is, she seemed normal in those moments.

  ‘Who is it?’ I asked. Although I said this, I knew what the answer would be. I started hoping she wouldn’t come out with it. But knowing her, I knew she would even tell me everything and beyond.

  ‘It’s you, Deb.’

  What a surprise. I should have stayed quiet.

  ‘Won’t you say anything? At least say something. Something. Please say something, no?’

  ‘Neeti, I am not ready for this. And for you right now. I am sorry. This can’t happen.’

  ‘Deb, we can at least try. You just told me, Go out with Kumar … maybe you will start loving him. Please at least give it a try, no? Deb? If it is not good, we will break up. I promise.’

  Did I just have to make life tougher for myself? It was probably the first time I was turning down a girl. Life had been strange. When I loved break-ups and crushes, I had to fight for them. Now that I didn’t need them, they were in plenty.

  ‘No, Neeti. I have been through all this and I just know that it will not work out. I am not the guy for you. It is just an infatuation. It will go away. Don’t you worry. It will be over in a while. Like this.’ I snapped my fingers, trying to be funny. It didn’t work. She stared at me as if I had decided that we should abort our love child and eventually I would marry someone else.

  ‘Deb, how can you say that? You don’t even know me that well. Give it a try. I will be a good girlfriend, I promise. Please, Deb. Don’t do this to me,’ she said. I knew her well enough. She was an ear-shattering, dumb, clingy girl with absolutely no sense of how to behave. Inner beauty is eternal but not when it is packaged like Neeti was.

  ‘I am sorry.’ I did feel sorry for her. But more than anything, she seemed to be pleading more for an ice cream rather than a relationship. And why would anyone want to be in a relationship with a guy like me?

  ‘Deb, have you decided? Please think about it. Please do. Think about it again. Okay, I will not say anything. You think.’

  ‘I am sorry,’ I said.

  ‘Deb, don’t be sorry, just think. Close your eyes and think.’

  ‘But—’

  ‘Just think, Deb. Close your eyes.’ She covered my eyes with her hand.

  I closed my eyes and all I could see was Avantika. Yes, she looked extremely sexy in formals, as she lugged
a laptop and went around changing the world in her new office.

  ‘Nothing, Neeti. There can be nothing,’ I said. I feared that she might kiss me when she closed my eyes. But she didn’t.

  ‘You didn’t think! You opened your eyes too soon. I couldn’t even kiss you,’ she shrieked.

  ‘What?’ I exclaimed. I felt like a genius. Though, I missed out on a kiss. Did I want it? Maybe. Maybe not. I missed Avantika, but a kiss is just a kiss, nothing more. No, I didn’t want to kiss her.

  ‘Yes, I would have kissed you and then had it felt good … that would mean you love me. That’s easy, no?’ she asked. She was a lunatic, after all.

  ‘It doesn’t happen that way. You have to be in love to kiss. I am not in love right now and I can’t kiss you. It would be wrong and immoral and I don’t want to lie.’ I didn’t believe what I just said. Maybe I had gone insane, too. You have to be in love to kiss?

  The girls are waiting.

  ‘You will love me some day, Deb. I know you will. You just have to,’ she said and lay down beside me. We didn’t exchange even a word for the next hour or so. Amit and Astha were still in the same state of wordless staring. I wondered if they had died and rigor mortis had set in, cementing them in their place for all of life and beyond. I wondered what it would be like to kiss Neeti, if I were to forget Avantika for a few seconds. It wouldn’t be too good, I knew. But, what the heck, she isn’t coming back to see what I have been up to. She doesn’t even care. Maybe in some twisted way, I am getting back at her.

  Another fifteen seconds and I decided against it. There were other considerations. I had lost Vernita to a kiss, though earned myself love, but I couldn’t afford to lose an Amit. Or an Astha.

  It was already 2 a.m. Just seven hours to the rendezvous with Mr Goyal. I finally decided to call it a night.

  ‘Neeti, I think we should go home now.’

  ‘As you say, Deb.’ She still had the deadpan expression on her face. I wished I could make her understand that it was not meant to be.

  ‘I presume nobody needs ice cream here.’ I broke their stare.

  ‘Err … no, Deb,’ Amit said as he woke up from his stupor.