Damaged

by Jody Holford

  “It was good, dear. How was yours?” she smiled sardonically then put a burger, fries, and some salad on her own plate.

  “Ha, ha. You’re quite the comedian,” he said. Pleasure swamped him, until she put her fork down and looked at him seriously enough that he put his fork down as well.

  “My day was good, Noah. It was what it always is: routine, normal, habitual. It’s how I like things. Nothing eventful or unexpected, until now,” she said, her voice steady but her eyes conveyed her worry.

  He walked to stand on the same side of the counter, and she swiveled the stool, but he kept an arms-length between them, desperate not to spook her before he had a chance to know her.

  “I shouldn’t mess with your routine,” he said, studying her, the way her eyes watched him like they could see everything. “But I can’t seem to help it.”

  “Maybe you should try harder,” she replied, the smallest of smiles forming on her lips.

  “Or you could change your routine,” he suggested in return. She closed her eyes briefly.

  “I like my routine. I have it for a reason. I need it,” she said when she opened her eyes.

  Her voice was sad and wistful. The tone made him ache to pull her close, tuck her up against him so there was no space between them. Instead, he clenched his fists, stuffed them in his pockets and tried to untangle his thoughts. Did he admit she pulled at something inside of him that had never been touched before? Noah had cared and loved but had never been drawn to someone the way he was to Maddi. Compelling was too mild a word. Noah wanted to touch her, to stroke his thumb across her cheek or her lips, but he was pushing it just standing this close. The woman had ‘back-off’ written all over her emotionally and physically. Why couldn’t he make himself do that?

  “I like you, Maddi,” he whispered, and her eyes locked on his. Hers were troubled and he knew his were not. He was sure and she wasn’t.

  “You don’t know me.”

  “Then let me.”

  Before she could reply, he backed away and went to open the wine. Pulling open a couple of drawers, which were perfectly organized, he found a corkscrew. Like the wine, she needed a minute to breathe. He was fascinated by the way she watched him: wary and curious.

  God, he wanted to close his mouth over hers. To skim his fingers up the sides of her body, over her and see the worry fade from her gaze. He cleared his throat and contemplated whether something was wrong with him. A little pursuit was one thing, but he’d never chased a woman like this, much less one who would prefer he took a hike. In the past, instinct had served him well, and his gut told him the intensity that threatened to swallow him whole when he was near her meant something. Something worth pursuing.

  “Why don’t we watch a movie while we eat?” he asked, taking both of their plates.

  She gripped the movies, pretended this was normal. Could she do normal? “Some interesting picks,” she said.

  “I wasn’t sure what kind you liked. I don’t peg you as the mushy romantic movie kind of girl.”

  Noah settled himself easily and comfortably on her couch, like he belonged there. Had she ever been so comfortable at someone else’s house?

  Keep it light. It was just a movie. And dinner. “I could be a closet romance junky.”

  “Are you?”

  The worry in his voice made her smile, combated her nerves, and she thought about making him watch Something Borrowed just for fun.

  “No. Fairy tales and happy endings aren’t really my thing.” A girl tended to lose interest in happily ever after when it was shattered so emphatically in her presence. She had to give him credit for his choices though and because he’d been so thoughtful, she let him think she chose Casino Royale to be kind rather than for the pleasure of watching Daniel Craig.

  They sat on opposite ends of the couch, dinners in their laps, and watched the movie. Maddi snuck glances at him to see if he’d moved closer without her noticing, but he hadn’t. Pieces of the movie slipped by while she wondered what game he was playing. He didn’t push or try any sly moves. In fact, once they’d finished their meals, he took the plates to the kitchen and brought them each back a glass of water, saying nothing about her untouched glass of wine.

  Each move he made seemed natural and thoughtful, but she waited for him to try something … to take advantage of the situation. In truth, Noah Evans didn’t seem the sort to take advantage of anyone, least of all, a woman. It wasn’t in his make-up. Of course, Maddi had been naïve more than once in her life.

  * * *

  “Thank you,” she murmured when he passed her the water. So easy for him and so strange for her.

  The last time she’d watched a movie with a man, a boy really, she was sixteen. There had been no calculating moves that night either. Everything he’d done was the opposite of subtle. The night had not ended well.

  Noah was an adult, not some inexperienced kid. It made sense that he’d have more practiced moves but, if he did, he wasn’t trying them on her. It was difficult to concentrate on the movie when he was right there at the end of her couch, on her couch, in her home, smelling lightly of fresh air and … Noah. Stop over thinking, she yelled in her own head. By halfway through the movie, her body relaxed against the cushions and she’d stopped sneaking looks at him. He was semi-sprawled in one corner, a foot resting on her coffee table, slouched down some, avidly watching the action. He didn’t seem in any hurry to crowd her space so she settled in a bit more, put her legs up to stretch them just a bit past her personal cushion space and rested back against the pillowed back of the couch. She didn’t know if she was testing herself or him.

  Noah glanced over, smiled amiably, and her belly flip-flopped. She was feeling like a fish out of water in more ways than one. James Bond fought the bad guys and Maddi fell into the storyline, getting so entrenched that she surprised even herself when she jumped at one of the scenes. She couldn’t hide the sudden jerk, but she hoped the little squeal of shock had only been in her head.

  No such luck. “You okay?” Noah laughed, a wide grin suggesting her squeal was audible.

  Maddi nodded with an embarrassed grin, and he chuckled once more before he patted her foot, which was not far from his thigh. One touch was enough to make her insides feel like she’d jumped off a moving swing. Free-falling. From that point, since he kept his hand on her, she paid little attention to the movie. Her eyes stared at the screen, but her mind wandered. The heat and weight of his palm gently resting on her foot was distracting. The way his thumb casually, absentmindedly, rubbed back and forth over the instep made her head spin. He looked at her now and again, caught her looking at him. Every breath was filled with his scent, and she marveled at the fact that she could enjoy such an everyday, ordinary event. To her, it was extraordinary.

  War waged inside her head as she told herself it was dangerous to enjoy this interlude even a little. Enjoyment led to want, want led to craving, and the end of that road was not a place she was willing to go. Maddi could admit, to herself, that she liked him—liked his company and the way the room felt warmer, fuller, with him in it. His smile warmed her insides, from deep in her belly to her heart, and she appreciated how he accepted her boundaries even if he didn’t understand them.

  Noah looked over, smiled.

  Maddi pressed a hand to her stomach to stop the fluttering. “Do you want anything? Popcorn? More wine?” she asked.

  “I’m good. How about you?”

  He squeezed her foot gently and sparks spread up her leg. Tingly, unfamiliar sparks.

  Noah tilted his head. “You okay?”

  “Yes,” she replied, breathier than she meant to.

  She firmed her lips and turned back to the television. Her leg was cramped slightly but if she moved, he’d stop touching her. It was impossible to focus on the movie, even with Daniel Craig emerging from the surf. Just focus on now. It’s just a movie. But she hadn’t allowed ‘just a movie’ with anyone in years, not even a female ‘friend,’ because all relationshi
ps required backstory and backstory required truth and truth led to judgment. Maddi could lie, fabricate her own backstory, like she had when she was little, but she hated lies. Being alone had always been preferable to being something she wasn’t.

  Noah’s body ached from holding himself so stiff. “I should go.”

  The credits rolled and he stayed where he was, his hand resting on her delicate foot. It was barely the size of his hand. She’d been intensely quiet, but her eyes said things she would never admit. Something about this night scared her, but he didn’t. Spending time with him scared her, liking him even more so, but she wasn’t physically afraid of him and it was nice to be sure of that. There was no question in his mind that she’d suffered some sort of emotional trauma. He’d have picked up on it even if he wasn’t knee-deep in Natalie’s situation.

  Maddi’s baggage was different from his sister’s though. Where Natalie was timid and unsure, Maddi was strong and certain. She’d fought back from whatever battle she had faced and refused to let it define her. It was impossible to ignore; to not be attracted. Maddi was exactly what Natalie hoped to be: a survivor. Though he wanted to know more, know everything, he was riding pretty high from just spending the evening beside her on her couch. Noah laughed at the thought. He was probably fifteen the last time he had considered sitting near a girl and touching any body part a ‘score.’

  “What’s funny?” she asked, standing up to stretch.

  With her arms up, a sliver of her smooth belly showed beneath her tank. He wanted to press his lips to that spot, bury his face against her skin, and breathe her in. Consume her. It was time to leave.

  “Nothing. I had a really good night, Maddi.”

  “Me too, Noah.” She smiled cheekily.

  He stood there grinning at her. She was so fucking adorable it made him want to grab her and kiss all of her reservations out of her.

  Staring at her lips, he asked, “Good enough to invite me back?”

  “I didn’t invite you this time.” She laughed.

  He winked at her, pleased by her reaction. “That’s not very neighborly of you.”

  “Your sister is my neighbor, not you.”

  “True. I can’t fight that one. Still.”

  “Good night, Noah,” she answered.

  Her smile was soft and, to him, incredibly alluring. Something he couldn’t walk away from. “Night, Maddi,” he answered. In the hallway, he turned to face her again. Satisfaction filled his chest at the way she looked at him, her smile both sleepy and wistful. He wanted to go back inside. He waited. Her smile lessened and she narrowed her eyes at him.

  “Really?” she asked, putting her hands on her hips.

  “Yup,” he replied with a full-out grin. “Not leaving until you say it. And mean it.” She shook her head, stepped back like she was going to just shut the door, and then she laughed and his heart jumped—hard and quick.

  “See you soon, Noah,” she said, her voice both resigned and amused.

  As she readied herself for bed, Maddi tried to ignore the ache that had settled just under her ribs. Tonight had been … fun. She’d enjoyed Noah, immensely.

  “You’re setting yourself up,” she warned her reflection as she squeezed toothpaste onto the brush. Brushing in slow, deliberate circles, she tried to pinpoint the exact moment Noah had snuck past her defenses but couldn’t. Being with him made her feel like it could be easy, that she could be normal.

  “You know better,” she insisted, rinsing her mouth. She gripped the edge of the pedestal sink and stared at the tiny lines she hadn’t invited to take up residence around her eyes. Her mom’s eyes. Framed by her father’s dark hair. The small, straight nose also came from her mother.

  “If you’re like them on the outside, then you’re like them on the inside.” She didn’t want to look anymore, so she turned out the light and shuffled over to her bed. Pulling back the covers, she crawled in, savoring the feel of the cool sheets against her warm skin. Turning, trying to get comfortable, her mind wandered to Noah’s hand on her ankle and his eyes looking at her like he could see inside of her. Maddi cringed at the thought as she switched off the lamp. Adjusting her pillow, she heaved out a sigh, counted the tiny slivers of light from the moon on her ceiling, and forced herself to think of the necklace she was working on.

  Her eyelids drifted open and closed so she focused harder. It would hang just past the tiny hollow of the throat on a woman’s neck. In the morning, she would be pleased at her own self-control—her ability to think of something other than Noah.

  Maddi traced her finger along the red mark on her mama’s throat. It was like a thick piece of string stuck all the way around her neck and it felt funny when Maddi ran her finger along it. Like a racetrack for her finger. On the sides, there were tiny bruises that her fingers fit inside of. She pretended her fingers were hopping as she counted them. Mama’s eyes popped open, looking scared.

  “Maddi,” she whispered, her eyes drifting closed again.

  “What happened, Mama?”

  Mama’s eyes opened, and she held Maddi’s hand still before she moved it away from her neck. “I’m fine, baby. What are you doing in here?”

  The bed was cozy and Maddi loved to cuddle. Mama always smelled so good. She snuggled closer and smiled when her mom rubbed her hand up and down her arm as she dozed. It tickled a little but Maddi liked it.

  “I thought I heard you crying and I couldn’t sleep.”

  “It was just a dream, honey. I’m not crying.”

  “What happened to your neck?”

  “What do you mean?”

  Mama’s eyes opened again and Maddi thought she sure looked like she had been crying. “It’s all red. And you have some bruises. I counted them.” Mama’s hand went to her throat. Maddi felt bad for pointing it out.

  “It’s nothing, baby. Daddy just hugged me too hard.”

  “Why did he hug you so hard? You should tell him to be more careful.”

  “Yes. I should. Sometimes he doesn’t know how strong he is, baby. Sometimes when you love someone so much, you want to hold them as tight as you can.”

  “Like you’re holding me?”

  “You think this is as tight as I can hold you? You must think I’m a weakling.”

  Maddi laughed and threw one arm around her mom’s waist and squeezed tight. “That’s how much I love you,” she giggled.

  Her mom pulled her closer, brushed her nose against Maddi’s. “I love you this much.” Her mom smiled, holding her tight before tickling her ribs and making Maddi laugh harder.

  “Stop!” Maddi squealed, breathless as Mama tickled. “Okay, okay. You love me more!”

  “Always.”

  Maddi shot up in her bed, rubbed her neck. She looked at the large red numbers on her clock that revealed she’d barely slept an hour. She swiped the tear that trickled down and squeezed her eyes shut.

  “I’m okay,” she whispered and wished it were true. She lay back down and listened to her own breaths. Underneath it all, Maddi knew the true reason for never getting close to anyone was because she could not deal with saying good-bye to anyone else in her life. Regardless of how shiny and beautiful life and love seemed in the beginning, it ended. Sometimes naturally and sometimes tragically, but it ended all the same. Unless you never let it begin.

  Chapter 6

  “You should call her,” Noah said as he marinated the steaks in a large Pyrex dish. He had picked up Natalie at his office, which was located in a strip of rental buildings. It sat in between a paint shop and a bakery in the more industrial area of town. Lots of people, other shop owners, around so Natalie wouldn’t be isolated.

  Natalie had whipped his office into shape with ease, not that she’d take the compliment. After a week of her efficiently organizing his schedule, he owed her a meal. At least. It wasn’t just his schedule, either. She had bought a couple of plants and put one in the corner by the water cooler and another on his desk, which was her desk now. Nat was making herself at hom
e and it made him happy.

  When she jumped at the suggestion of dinner at his place he contemplated asking her to move in with him. Was she lonely? It would save her rent money and he could keep a better eye on her, but since she mentioned buying a couple of plants for her place too, he changed his mind. Part of her healing was taking care of herself and knowing that she could. His job was to let her. Right now, he was letting her make a salad in silence while he avoided her moody glare.

  “Right after you,” Natalie said stubbornly. Her medium brown hair, just past her shoulders, was tied up in a short ponytail and her face was make-up free. When he looked at her, standing in his outdated kitchen, it was almost like going back in time. When they were younger, they used to argue over doing the dishes, under their breath, of course, so Dad didn’t decide he could resolve their issues for them.

  “I do phone her, Nat. Once a month. I catch up, see how she’s doing, and ask if she wants to come visit. Conversation always goes the same,” he replied, flipping the steaks to thoroughly coat them. He was no chef, but he could grill steak to perfection.

  “She wanted nothing to do with me before I left. What’s the point in calling now?” The knife hit the cutting board in hard, quick repetitions, making carrots scatter around the counter.

  Noah winced at her jerky movements. “Regardless of anything else, she’d want to know you’re okay. Who knows, she may understand you more than you think,” he said, washing his hands in the sink he’d just recently replaced. As he was only able to do one project at a time, Noah figured by retirement, the house would be finished. The chopping stopped and when he turned, Natalie was staring at him, the knife still. Unable to gauge her expression, he had an “I’m sorry” ready to go. Noah had spent enough time with women to know regardless of the relationship with them, it was always best to apologize first, question later.

  “Do you think he abuses her?” Natalie asked, her voice small.