Damaged

by Jody Holford

  Dr. Mason jotted down something in her notes, which she made very few of, then leaned back in her chair. She pursed her lips in that unhurried way she had, gazing at Natalie. There was no tension in the room, even with the lack of talking. Natalie seemed comfortable, which was important, but Noah couldn’t fight the need for something to actually happen. It just seemed like a lot of radio silence to him.

  “Let’s talk about what can take that happiness away from you, Nat. First of all, I want you to tell me what makes you happy.”

  The soft accent made the words sound more encouraging. Noah wondered how Ryan had ever hid anything from his mother when he was growing up.

  “Noah,” Natalie started, shooting him a grin. He winked at her, sat up a little, and loosened his grip. “His girlfriend is super nice, and I feel like we’re getting to be friends. I’ve made a couple friends at yoga and in my building. I really like working for Noah. Doing whatever I want in the evenings. That makes me happy. I can watch a movie or eat cereal for dinner if I want. Sometimes I feel lonely but mostly, I like just getting to do my own thing.”

  Noah didn’t like the thought of her being lonely, but he had a feeling that the type of connection she was missing wasn’t from a brother or a friend.

  “Okay. Now I want you to tell me the very worst thing that could happen to threaten each of those things bringing you happiness. We’re going to take a look at whether your fears are real or perceived. Are you ready?” the doctor asked, sitting up straight. She leaned forward, and Noah could see the similarities between Ryan and his mom in the way she set her jaw, ready to work out a problem. Natalie nodded her head.

  “Start with Noah. What could jeopardize your relationship with him?”

  “Nothing!” Noah declared. Natalie and Tina smiled at him but he meant it.

  “Let your sister answer, Noah. Trust me.”

  “If I become too needy or annoying,” Natalie said quietly, making Noah’s gut twist.

  “Nat, don’t think…”

  “Noah,” Tina said in a warning voice. Nat glanced at him but looked away quickly.

  “Does your brother find you annoying?” Tina asked, shooting Noah a look that clearly translated into whatever the psychological phrase was for ‘shut up.’

  “No.”

  “Alright. Then that’ll be fine. No real threat. How about his girlfriend… is it Maddi?”

  “They broke up or took a break or—whatever. It could happen again. I don’t want to get attached and then…”

  Suddenly, Noah didn’t like this little exercise at all. The thought of his sister thinking she annoyed him, any more than sisters were supposed to annoy their brothers, made his stomach burn. The thought of losing Maddi again, even if she hadn’t really been gone, made his chest feel like he’d dropped concrete blocks on it.

  “Understandable and real. But not something that you can control. What about other friends? What could threaten those ties?”

  Natalie twisted her hands together. “Nothing, I guess. Growing apart?”

  “Okay. Your job? What could impact the happiness it brings you?”

  “I don’t know. Not being good at it…”

  “But you are!”

  “Noah!” both women said at once.

  A low growl rumbled in his throat as Noah ran his hands through his hair and linked his fingers behind his head. He was paying for this. Shouldn’t he be allowed to talk?

  “I suppose the job is mine as long as I want it.”

  “Okay then. What about your ‘you’ time? What could hurt that?”

  “Lyle,” Natalie whispered.

  Noah moved forward on his seat, rested his forearms on his knees, unable to sit still any longer. He pushed off the chair and moved behind the couch, walking the length of it and turning back to walk the other way. He tried his best to keep his mouth shut and to avoid looking at Nat, who had curled herself inward, shrunk at the mention of that bastard’s name.

  “Will you go back to him?” Tina asked.

  “No. But he could try to come back,” Nat said worriedly.

  “He could. And what will you do?”

  “Call the police. With the restraining order, he’d go to jail.”

  “Natalie, is there anything standing in your way? Anything threatening your happiness?”

  “No. I guess not.”

  “Natalie.”

  Natalie sat straighter and pulled in a deep breath like the air held the strength she needed.

  “No. Nothing is standing in my way.”

  “Just you. You get to be in charge now. If you’re happy, you get to stay happy. But it’s a choice, like anything else. Problems will come. You will get past them. You’ve proven that, haven’t you?”

  “Mostly.”

  “Natalie.”

  “Yes. Yes, I have proved that. I’m in charge of my happiness.” As if to confirm her statement, she smiled over at Noah.

  Noah didn’t know how they left the session with his sister smiling. He held one of the double doors open for a woman about his age and waited until she was inside to let go. The sun was out, despite the clouds trying to hide its brightness. That’s how he felt as they walked through the busy parking lot. Like he was the cloud cover. Agitated and on edge, but Natalie glowed with positivity. He put his arm around her shoulder, kissed the crown of her head.

  “I won’t say you don’t annoy me, but you’ll never annoy me more than you should. Okay?”

  “Okay,” she answered, laughing and hugging him hard around the middle.

  “We just want you to know that we are so pleased with your pieces, Maddi,” Jill Moyer, the owner of Seamless, gushed. Maddi didn’t actually like when people oozed praise, even though Jill seemed genuine. Also, Maddi hated being on the phone. But Jill had requested a phone consult or a lunch meeting and Maddi had taken what was, to her, the lesser of two evils.

  “I’m glad you’re happy. I hope they’ll be popular pieces. I would like to stay with the heart theme for now,” Maddi answered.

  “Now I’m just throwing this out there … I know we agreed on a six-month contract, but I was thinking that if the showcase goes well, it would be more stable for both of us to settle with twelve months. That will ride us through the holiday season. I think you’ll see it’s better for both of us.”

  Maddi’s stomach cramped but less than she would have expected. The thought of looking further ahead and being in one place didn’t incite instant fear anymore. In fact, sometimes the thought of staying filled her with a rush of warmth she didn’t fully recognize. The root of it began with Noah. She didn’t want him to be the reason she chose to stay or go. That gave him too much power. However, since he made sure to pull the words “I love you” out of her once a day, she supposed she’d already lost part of that battle.

  “Maddi—are you there, sugar?” Jill piped up.

  For goodness sakes, what was with people and nicknames? Maddi could hear the southern twang in her voice.

  “Yes. I’m here. I’d prefer to stay with the six-month contract we agreed on. If things go well, we can revisit it.”

  See? Still in charge of what, and who, she committed to in her life.

  “Okay. I understand. Now, I’ll have someone contacting you for your website.”

  “What’s wrong with my website?”

  “Oh, nothing at all, but one. We’ll want to increase the security on it because a lot of ordering is done online. We want to promote your new line and our company together in a more dramatic way, but we also want our site to link to yours when customers are ordering your product. We need a name for the line. I think it will add intrigue. Also, the showcase is in a month, and these things always go better if the artist is here.”

  Jill prattled on like she was reading from a list. Maddi paced with the phone, unable to stay still at the counter doodling. She moved to the window to watch the movement below. Mid-day was quiet with only a handful of people littering the sidewalks, waiting at crosswalks. The trees m
oved back and forth, rocking in slow tempo. She wished she could slow her thoughts to that pace.

  “I’m playing with some names. I’ll get back to you on that. You can have your website person phone me, but I don’t really want to attend the launch. Ms. Moyer—”

  “Jill, please.”

  “Jill. I’m really not the most social of people. This is a big step for me, just doing an exclusive with your company. The launch might be pushing it for me,” Maddi explained. She’d long ago learned to lay out her boundaries and generally, though her straightforward approach took people by surprise, most respected those guidelines. Until recently. Until she’d bent all of her rules and parameters by following her heart instead of her mind.

  “I think I’ve figured that out all by myself, Maddi,” Jill said softly, motherly. “I’d like to ask that you think about it. You’ve obviously seen the value of joining forces with us. This would add to your line, to both of our clientele. Just think about it. Please.”

  “I’ll think about it,” Maddi agreed quietly.

  Noah was due fairly soon. He hadn’t actually said he was coming over but it was almost expected now, and each time he showed up without notice, it was a little easier to accept and enjoy. Switching her clothes into the dryer, Maddi hoped to get more of her chores out of the way before he arrived. New designs had pulled her in and she’d lost track of time. Just before Jill phoned, Maddi finished a beautiful ring and bracelet set that matched the theme of interwoven hearts. The ring, in particular, had pleased her with the way the hearts met in the center, almost like they were holding hands. She was still tossing around names for the group of pieces. The phone rang as she grabbed a ‘linen fresh’ dryer sheet. Not the double ring to signal a guest, but Noah used his front of building key to get in anyway. After hitting the ‘on’ button to set the dryer tumbling, she went to find her phone, wondering if Noah was going to be late, but it wasn’t his number.

  “Hello?” she said. She frowned. “Hello?”

  Maddi expected an automated voice to tell her that she had, once again, won something spectacular.

  “Hi, Mads,” an unforgotten voice murmured.

  Was it possible for your heart to literally stop beating while you stood rooted to a spot? Maddi’s world tilted, creating a hazy, sickening sensation in her stomach.

  “Jason?” she whispered, the word thick and foreign on her tongue after all these years. She felt herself sliding toward the floor against her kitchen counter. The air in the room took on a heaviness, like a sauna on an already hot day.

  “Hi,” he repeated, his voice was more mature—deep and raspy.

  “How did you get my number?” She held the phone so tightly that the edges dug into her palms.

  “Does it matter? How are you?”

  How could he ask how she was after all these years like they’d just spoken yesterday? How could he be so nonchalant? And yes, it mattered.

  “Why are you phoning me?”

  “Maddison. I’ve been looking for you for a long time. Why aren’t you happy to hear from me?” he asked, a hint of hurt coloring his tone. There was a knock on her door. Noah.

  “I can’t do this,” she said. She couldn’t go back.

  “Listen to me—”

  “Do not call me.” She pressed ‘end’ but continued to clutch the phone and stare at the screen. Noah knocked again. Every breath burned. She tried harder, pushed her fist to her breast bone in an effort to ease the channel for the air to flow. Eyes squeezed shut, Maddi fought the nausea.

  “Maddi? You home, honey?” Noah’s voice rang clear.

  Something unexpected surged inside of her, overriding all of the other feelings: calmness. Noah’s voice centered her. Slowly, she inhaled just a little bit deeper, breathed it out.

  “Maddi?” The banging increased. She pulled herself up and put the phone down gently on the counter. As she shuffled to the door, she stared at the wood. Breathe. Heart rate slowing, Maddi reached for the door. Calm.

  “Focus on that,” she whispered to herself as she unlatched the door. Noah’s face scrunched in concern.

  “Hey,” he said softly, looking her over, assessing her like he did, and stepping into her, wrapping his arms around her, like he did. Focus on this, she told herself. Just this. She wrapped her arms around him and curled into his chest.

  “You worried me,” he said. He let her go, shut the door, and came back to her.

  “I,” she began, trying to focus on his face, his eyes, the way his eyebrows moved together when he wasn’t sure about something. “I was just finishing up a phone call.”

  Noah’s hand came to her waist and guided her into the living room. He sat in the wide, cushy chair, an indulgence on Maddi’s part, and pulled her down on top of him.

  “Did it go okay?” he asked, rubbing his hand along her thigh.

  “What?” she asked and looked at him blankly.

  “Maddi, you’re kind of freaking me out here. Are you okay?”

  She looked at him. Studied his face and knew, right that moment, she didn’t want to stop looking at his face. Ever. This wasn’t the past. This was now and she got to choose. “Yes. I’m sorry I worried you. Everything is fine.” She leaned in to kiss him. Softly at first. Maddi shifted, ran her hands over his solid chest, up over his strong shoulders. Her kiss deepened as her need for him did. She only needed this. Him. That didn’t make her weak. It made her strong because she knew what she needed, and she was taking it.

  Noah leaned back in the chair, pulling Maddi with him. He started to protest, but it was hard to argue with a sexy woman that was kissing the life out of him. Whatever drove her, he had a feeling she was using intimacy to block something out. For now, he’d give back, give in. It was certainly no hardship. Lightly, Noah ran his hands up her sides, grazing her breasts, moving up to her neck, so he could pull her forward. Maddi kissed him harder and adjusted so she was sitting astride him.

  Then her fingers were tugging open the buttons on his shirt. “Hey. Slow down,” he murmured, though he couldn’t figure out why. Maddi was consuming him and it was hot as hell. Her idea of slowing down was to start yanking at the buttons on her own shirt instead.

  “I don’t want to slow down. I want you.” She breathed heavily.

  Her voice was soft but bold, and her breath was sweet like honey. She put her hands to work on his buttons again. When they gave, she parted his shirt and ran her hands along his chest. It was heat on heat. Her hands were almost pulsating as her lips took his again. Noah didn’t mind helping her block something out as long as she knew that regardless of the pace— hard and fast or slow and sexy, it mattered when they were together.

  “What else?” he asked. Brushing her hair off her neck, he pushed her shirt off her shoulders, exposing delicate, smooth skin. He sank his teeth into the point where her neck met her shoulder. She cried out in surprise and found his lips again.

  “I need you,” she added then pushed him back. He groaned when Maddi’s lips touched his chest, over his heart.

  “What else?” His voice was low and rough. Gripping her hips, he stood with her in one quick motion. Her legs wrapped around him, she linked her ankles behind his back and kissed a trail down his neck that sent shivers, honest-to-God shivers, down his spine. He strode toward her bedroom while she continued her assault. He gripped her tight, need pulsing through every part of him, until they got to the bedroom. There he lay her down on her bed and stood above her. Rising to her knees, she went for his belt but he stilled her hands. She looked up at him in frustration.

  “What else, honey?” he asked again, softly. Her breath huffed out and she pursed her lips. She wanted hard and fast and mindless and he could do that. Happily. But he couldn’t do meaningless. Not with her.

  “I love you.” She yielded with exasperation.

  His heart thudded in response. It was in her eyes, but there was something damn gratifying about hearing it from her lips. He leaned in, kissed her softly. “And I love you,” he whis
pered before giving her exactly what she wanted.

  If I hadn’t already been in love with you, that would have tipped me over the edge.” Noah exhaled, rolling onto his back and pulling her up tight against him. Maddi laughed and the sound swept over him, making him smile.

  “Hmmm.”

  “That’s all you can say?” he said and slid his hand up and down her naked back.

  “Mm-hmm.”

  “Who phoned you?” Her body stiffened in response.

  “I did have a call from the woman who owns Seamless. Her name is Jill. We talked about the line I’m creating and the opening launch for it,” she said finally.

  Tension held her still. Noah pulled his arm from under her and sat up in the bed. The blanket pooled around his waist as he bent his knees and hung his arms over them. Maddi’s hand touched his back, tentatively.

  “Everything going okay with all of that?” he asked vaguely without looking at her.

  “Yes.”

  “Anyone else?”

  She removed her hand. He ran his hands through his hair in a frustrated gesture before glancing back at her. Maddi lay there, curled on her side, and his heart physically hurt to look at her as she closed herself off from him. How did he break down the wall and make her believe that whatever she told him wouldn’t make him stop loving her. He waited while she traced circles on the sheets, not looking at him. Noah pulled the sheet back and rose to find his clothes on the floor. Leaving the button open on his jeans, he grabbed his T- shirt. When he yanked it over his head, he caught her watching him. The look on her face was like a sledgehammer to the stomach. She looked scared and unsure. Lost.

  “You’re leaving.” It wasn’t a question and that pissed him off. It’s what she expected. Even now. It was the reason she spent her life alone.

  “You need to listen to me, Maddi.” His temper snuck into his words without permission. She looked up at him, pulled the sheet tighter to her breasts. Her face was blank but her eyes gave away her nerves.

  He would go now. She couldn’t blame him because lying and withholding the truth were one and the same. As she had told him from the start, he deserved more. Noah couldn’t be mad at her when she’d warned him. But now she knew what it was like to be without him and for the first time, that seemed scarier than trying, than making it work. She was listening but he wasn’t saying anything. Just studying her with his sharp gaze. Maddi wished she had some clothing on as a barrier but to get up now, just to dress so he could tell her that he was done, seemed more demoralizing. He moved closer to the bed, still watching her.