Finding Home

by Kelley, Aine

  “Ben, I’m …” I cut her off before she can say anything more.

  “I gotta go; I’m meeting Jack for dinner. I’ll see you Tuesday.” I quickly hang up and curse myself. “Real smooth, Ben. One mention of Sam and you turn into a babbling idiot … again!” Just the idea of Sam moving here and sleeping in my room brings a smile to my face and instantly my shorts tighten. Calm down! She makes me feel things that I thought were dead and gone—like Beth. My mouth curves into a smile. I guess I can smile again.

  I step onto the street and head toward my favorite diner. I’m glad for the walk to help me gather my erratic thoughts. I need to put things into perspective, so it’s good that I’m meeting Jack. We give each other shit most of the time, but when you get right down to it, he’s like a brother to me. He’s a total player and a jackass at times, but I know that I can talk to him about anything, including Sam. He’ll have an interesting take on it, I’m sure. I approach the diner and check my watch to see that I’m fifteen minutes late.

  I see Jack through the window waiting for me. Giving him a slight wave he returns my greeting with his middle finger. I chuckle and mouth, “Asshole.” He lifts his hands to his chest pretending to be crushed.

  As I approach the booth, he yells so everyone in the diner can hear, “Where’ve you been? I’m seriously thinking you’ve got a masturbation addiction!” He adds an obscene hand gesture to reiterate his point. This obviously gets us a lot of looks.

  “Fuck off! I was on the phone with Jenny.” He must be able to tell by my tone and the tension on my face that I’m not in the mood for his shit today.

  He looks at me dead on. “Okay, ass hat! Spill it now. What the fuck is going on? Is it Jenny? Is she okay?”

  I take a deep breath and try to calm my nerves. “No, it’s not Jenny. She’s fine. I’m just going through some weird shit right now. I don’t know what to do about it.”

  Jack’s face tightens, and his voice lowers. “Is this about Beth again? Come on, man, it’s been two years. You know I thought she was awesome, but it’s time to get a move on. She wouldn’t want you to be like this—so unhappy. She would want you to live and find love again. That’s the kind of girl she was.” Jack cracks a smile. “And if you think I’m gonna hold your hand right now you can suck it!”

  My hand reaches out to touch his. “Hey Jack … you complete me.”

  “Ass!”

  “Dick!”

  Jack hands me the menu. “Let’s order. I’m starving!”

  Looking over the menu, I pause and think about what he said and I know he’s right. As much as I love Beth, my life has been on a holding pattern. I need to embrace what I’m feeling for Sam, but it’s been such a long time. Christ, it’s been over five years since I asked a girl out or even flirted, for that matter.

  “Jack, I hear what you’re saying, and you’re right. I’ve been contemplating the same thing. I need your help with this. In fact, I have someone in mind. I’m just scared shitless and I’ve got no idea what to do. This girl is getting my insides all riled up and turning me into a complete moron. And you know what the best part is?” I take a moment to ponder Jack’s reaction. He’s going to laugh his ass off when I tell him.

  “What’s the best part, man?”

  “I’ve never even met her!”

  Jack’s eyes practically bug out of his head as he whips his head back then forward. “You’ve never even met her? Oh, this is fresh. Wait—don’t tell me she’s a fucking figment of your imagination? She’s real … right?” The look of sheer panic on his face is classic. “Is this like an online dating thing, or did you go on that porn site again?”

  “Shut up, ass hat! She’s real, and she’s amazing.” I smack him on the side of his head. “Her name’s Sam, and she’s Jenny’s friend. She’s moving here next week.” I can feel my body heat up and pulse quicken. “I’m sweating and shaking like I’m back in fucking junior high. I’ve only heard her voice, and it’s incredible. Hearing her is like being home, and I haven’t been home in a long time.”

  “Wow, dude, that’s fucking beautiful. Are you a poet now?” I reach out and smack him again.

  “Dude, I’m joking! Seriously, I’m happy for you. It’s time.”

  “I know it’s time, but what do I do? I have no fucking clue. I feel defeated, and I haven’t started the match yet.” I lower my body down further into the booth.

  “That’s it, man. Think of it as a rugby match. Get your head in the scrum and drive it until the ball comes out. Just keep pushing until the words you want to say come out. Cross over that goal line; talk and the rest will play out.”

  I smile at his stupid analogy, but it kind of makes sense. I play hard to win, and if I keep my head down and push the scrum forward, I can drive forward. I just need to talk to her. It all starts with talking, as long as I don’t turn into some blathering fool. Beth’s face makes a quick appearance in my thoughts, but I quickly shake my head to get her out. It’s time to make this work. God, I hope it works.

  The airplane engines start to slow down their winding speed as we approach the runway. I take another quick glance out the window and look at my new home. I can’t believe I did it. I actually picked up and moved. The nausea that I’ve been fighting for the past two weeks pushes my stomach into an uproar. I stomp down the urge to toss my cookies in the complimentary barf bag.

  Instead, I try to focus on my breathing to keep the queasiness at bay. It seems to take forever to get to the gate. My knees bounce uncontrollably as I wait for the plane to stop.

  As soon as the flight attendant gives the go ahead, people all around are reaching for their cell phones and powering them on. It’s like an addict getting a hit. I’m embarrassed to admit that I’m one of them. I look down and notice I have a missed call from Jenny.

  I make my way off the plane, trying to balance my over-packed backpack and small suitcase in one hand as I creep along the aisle. Shit, I packed way too much in this bag. It’s awkward and heavy. I leave a trail of apologies as I whack just about everyone I pass.

  Once I exit the gate, I find a place to sit and organize my belongings and press the button on my phone. Just when I thought the urge to vomit is over, it decides to make an ugly appearance again.

  I consider myself a fairly calm person, and it takes a lot to piss me off, but right now, the image of murdering my best friend plays out vividly in my mind.

  I replay the message again just to make sure my ears aren’t blocked from the flight. Nope, ears are working fine, but she can’t pick me up. Even better, she’s sending her brother to get me. Fan-fucking-tastic! I’m not only meeting Ben today, but I have to sit next to him for the next two hours to Napa. Hmm, I wonder what we’ll talk about. Oh wait, I know. ‘Hey Ben, guess what? Did you know that I get myself off to you pretty regularly? Or better yet, ‘Hey, how’ve you been dealing with the death of your fiancé?’ Yeah, that will be a great conversation starter.

  The stomach acid continues to rise up my throat from the panic. The pain in my chest is nothing new. Placing my hand over my heart, I focus in on my breathing. Please, no panic attack right now. Oh God! I have a tendency to ramble and blurt out stuff when I’m anxious or uncomfortable with silence. This situation has both rolled into one. As I breathe, Jenny’s face comes into view. I definitely have murder on the brain. I’m going to kill Jenny.

  I head to baggage claim and wait in the mass of people. They all look the same, as if in some weird hypnotic trance watching the carousel spin around.

  My bags finally arrive, and I try to balance them on the small cart. Heading out to the main pick up area, I look around for Ben. Jenny said that he’d be near the short-term parking area. I scan the large crowd hoping to see him. What I find surprises me. Ben’s holding a large white sign with bold black writing stating: Jenny Bean’s friend, Sam. He holds it high above his head, towering over everyone else. Damn, he has to be at least six-three. I could die right now from embarrassment. It’s during my moment of self- mortif
ication that I allow my eyes to peruse and wander down his body.

  Starting at his hands that grip the sign, I note his fingers. They look long and strong, like they could move fast and furiously on my…snap out of it! My eyes continue down and lock on his arms. Holy biceps! Years of playing rugby did his body good. Those arms could easily pick me up like a rag doll and pin me against the wall. I am looking at sex on a stick.

  I haven’t dared to look at his face yet because all I see is his chest. Hot damn it’s solid. It’s covered by a Henley t-shirt, but I can see a small strip of his toned stomach peeking out. My body’s grateful for the effort he’s putting into displaying this sign.

  Sighing, I close my eyes before I look at his face. Slowly, I open them to find…oh shit, he’s totally staring at me. He completely watched me checking him out. I’ve been so absorbed in my eye-fucking that I never noticed him looking at me. Horrified, I try to put on my best Sam smile and make my way over to him. I try not to stare directly into his eyes. I can only imagine what he must be thinking.

  As I approach, I realize I have to say something to him. What will I say? I haven’t a clue. I just have to say something, anything, but it couldn’t be any worse than him being my personal eye candy. Bravely, I look up at him and try to open my mouth, but nothing comes out. He’s amazingly beautiful. I’m speechless. And I’m never speechless.

  The picture Jenny has of him doesn’t do him justice. Dark brown hair that’s all kinds of messy, gray eyes that have specks of blue thrown in for good measure, framed by thick eyelashes. I see a small scar above his left eyebrow that adds to his sexiness. Oh, and his mouth. His lips appear soft, plump and kissable. I’m thinking that with the lips, mouth, and his strong jaw line, he’s a triple threat. There’s no doubt in my mind that they have the ability to wreak havoc all over my body. Now, if his tongue pops out, I could probably have a mini-orgasm right now at baggage claim. Definitely sex on a stick. Can I get a lick please?

  Ben clears his throat, and it startles me awake from my dirty thoughts. “I’m thinking you must be Sam. I really hope so because if I bring home the wrong person Jenny will kill me.”

  I laugh and try not to sound like an idiot. “That’s me. I’m Sam. Love the sign by the way. Very Say Anything.” He looks at me strangely, like I just spoke in a foreign language. I quickly fumble for something to say. “You know the movie, right? The boom box scene? It’s one of my favorites. You holding the sign up reminded me of it.” Okay Sam, stop rambling. “Anyway, never mind. I’ve got all my stuff so we can head out now.” Just stop talking.

  “Okay, let me help you with your things. This isn’t too bad. Are you having some things shipped out?” He bends down to secure my luggage on the cart.

  “No, I really don’t need much. I put most of my furniture in storage at my Dad’s house and donated a bunch of other stuff. I’ve got my essentials, and if I need anything else, Jenny will take me shopping.” I fidget with my backpack straps to keep my body busy. I remove it from my left shoulder and begin to place it on my right one. I swing it with as much force as I can due to its weight. This, of course, causes me to lose my balance. Fortunately or not, it smacks Ben right on the side of his bent over body, and he goes down to the ground taking me on top of him. Could this get any more awkward?

  My body is frozen. Holy pecs. Instead of saying sorry and getting up, I blurt out the first thing that comes into my head. “Holy chest! Fuck, I mean, are you okay? Sorry.” The fact that he just stares at me puts my nerves into overdrive. “Could this be any more awkward? I’m certainly making quite the first impression.” My voice starts strong but ends with a whimper. I mentioned his chest, stupid ass.

  I can’t read the look on Ben’s face. I’m thinking it’s a mixture of surprise, amusement, and something else. Something I haven’t seen in a man’s eyes for a long time. It looks like longing, or maybe its lust? He stutters a bit. “I … I think as far as first impressions go, I’d say, so far so good. It’s not every day I have a beautiful girl fall on top of me.” He winks at me, and I feel something stir low in my belly. He thinks I’m beautiful.

  “What? Is it like only every other day that a girl falls on top of you?” I try to act smooth as I get off him and reach for my backpack. I hear him laugh as he gets up, helping me with my backpack.

  “Hey, be careful with that thing. You could really hurt somebody. What’s in there anyway?”

  “Well my e-reader and laptop, but both are pretty light, so I’m thinking you’re just wimpy.” I fight back my laughter, but it slips out when he feigns being hurt.

  “But not my chest, right?” Smug bastard! “Let’s get this stuff loaded up in the car and get out of here.”

  We drive in companionable silence as we make our way out of the city. I point out some of the various sites along the way, and she’s truly excited to see everything. I try my best to keep my eyes on the road, but I sneak in a few glances now and then. She’s beautiful. Her skin is lightly tanned with a few freckles across her cute button nose. Her hair is a light brown with natural golden streaks mixed in. Her eyes are big and brown, and her lips are full and have a light pink color to them. As far as I can tell, she’s not wearing any makeup. She’s naturally stunning. But what really gets me is her smile and how when she laughs it reaches up to her eyes. She simply takes my breath away and that scares the shit out of me.

  As I drive, I try to come up with something to talk to her about, but the only thing I can think of is what my sister told me. I clear my throat and go for it. “So Jenny said that you needed a change of scenery. I know last time we talked you sounded pretty down. Do you want to talk about it?” I can see out of the corner of my eye that she’s contemplating whether to answer me or not. Her face scrunches up a bit, and it makes her look even cuter.

  “Ah, well, are you sure you want an answer?”

  I nod my head and briefly look at her, hoping she takes that as a sign to keep talking.

  “Okay, how about I give you the abridged version.”

  “Sounds good to me. I mean, we are stuck in the car together for the next hour or so.”

  I hear her take a deep breath and let it out. I catch a quick glance at her, and I can see what I think is pain on her face. I wish there were a way I could remove that look. “You and Jenny are so lucky to have amazing parents. Mine used to be, but they changed. It’s like having money made them different people. People I can’t relate to.” She looks out the car window as if deep in thought.

  “I’m sorry.” It’s a lame thing to say, but I can’t think of anything else.

  “Don’t be. It wasn’t always bad. I have some great memories from my earlier years. In fact, some of my best memories are of our family trips to the lake.” A faint smile appears on her face. “We haven’t done anything fun in a long time.”

  Noticing her change in mood, I decide it might be best to change the subject. “So did you leave your boyfriend alone and heartbroken in Boston?” Her eyes go wide and then her forehead scrunches tightly again for a brief moment. Shit, I’m oh-for-two. My mind tries to think of something else to say. I don’t get a chance to. She fills the gap.

  “So you really want to know about the love life of Samantha Cole?”

  “Sure, lay it on me. It can’t be any worse when comparing it to mine.” Did I just make light of Beth’s death? What’s wrong with me? No wonder she’s looking at you like an inconsiderate asshole! “That did not come out the right way. Sorry. What I meant is … I don’t know, never mind.” I look at her briefly and shrug my shoulders.

  “It’s fine.” She briefly touches my shoulder, and her warmth sears my body in a good way. She sucks in a deep breath and speaks, “So basically, in a nutshell, I suck at relationships. I’ve had three boyfriends, and each one has cheated on me. Each and every one of them.”

  I watch her place one hand on her neck and run it down to her chest, stopping at her heart. Using her fingers as a counter she sucks in again.

  “I’ve been t
old that I’m not good enough. I apparently don’t know how to love and be loved. And the final blow to my ego … I’m not satisfying enough. I could add more, but I’m sure you get the picture.” I look over at her and swear I can see a small tear that she quickly wipes away.

  God, she’s beautiful. How any man could say those things to her is beyond me. I want to say something to help her feel better, but I barely know her. I just go with my gut. “I know that I don’t know you, but it sounds to me like you dated some real assholes.” I pause and look at her so she’ll know what I’m saying is true. “From our brief conversations on the phone and talking with my sister, I don’t get that impression of you at all. I think you would be more than enough.” She looks at me with amazement, and I can see a slight blush spread across her cheeks.

  “Wow, thanks Ben, that’s one of the nicest things any man has ever said to me.”

  “Then you’re hanging around the wrong men.” I smile at her, and it’s a genuine smile. It’s the kind that I haven’t been able to give in a really long time. And she smiles a beaming one right back at me. I’m hooked.

  Sam continues, “So, like I was saying. My past relationships have all sucked ass, and I have set a new course for my life, a new life plan so to speak.”

  “Life plan? Like rules?”

  “Yep. I have set a course for positive change in my life. Would you like me to tell you?”

  Clearing my throat, I adjust my posture in my seat. “This should be interesting. Of course I want to know.” She winks at me, and I love it.

  “Okay. Here you go. Basically, I keep my heart safe by not allowing just anyone in. I’m focusing on me and making the best choices. Sex and love complicate things, so I’ve taken a break from them.”

  My face has to show my agitation. I mean, she’s basically telling me I have no chance. “That plan or rule sounds pretty harsh, don’t you think?”

  “It may seem harsh, but it’s helped me survive this past year, so I’m pretty content with it.”