Remember This

by Patricia Koerner

  14

  With the end of the holiday season, came a couple of jolting surprises. The first came when I looked over my bank statements for the last few months and saw that my account was seriously depleted, in spite of having received some royalties for my song. The concert tour was a net loss, when all that was spent was subtracted from the little that was made. On top of that, we had spent far more than what we should have on expenses. Tony loved to be extravagant and to show off and of course, that costs money. I admit now that I should have kept a closer eye on our expenditures, as I had to write and sign the checks. Naively, I just wrote them when Tony told me to, assuming he would show some responsibility, but I now know that was a foolish assumption.

  The second shocker was that I had not had a period since before we returned from the tour and it was now mid-January. I sat down and wracked my mind to remember when I had last bled, but I could only remember it was sometime in November. The next day I slipped off to the pharmacist and got a home pregnancy test. When I saw that positive sign, I cried. I was terrified of telling Tony. I knew he would be furious and blame me. When we were getting ready for bed that night, I just blurted it out. “Tony, I’m pregnant.”

  “What? Oh, bloody wonderful!” We have no place of our own, no money coming in and you have to go and get pregnant!”

  “I? I went and got pregnant? If I remember, we both were there.”

  “How did it happen? I thought you were on the pill.”

  “I was, but I ran out right before we got to Florence. I told you to get some condoms, but you forgot, remember?

  “Well, you said that it was safe.”

  “I thought it was.” I had done a quick calculation of where in my cycle I was, and was sure that I had a couple of safe days left. Obviously, I was wrong. The constant moving about and not keeping a regular schedule must have thrown my bodily rhythms off. “Oh, this bickering is pointless, Tony,” I continued. “It’s on both of us and we both are going to take responsibility for this baby.”

  A few days later, I went to the doctor to confirm what the home test had said and to get an exact due date. “Congratulations, Mrs. Townsend, you are pregnant; about six weeks or so. I’d say the baby will arrive around the end of August,” the doctor said as he handed me a prescription for calcium and iron supplements. I noticed Tony acting nervous while we were there. He looked as he wanted to say something, but couldn’t work up the nerve. It was only later when he had dropped me at home and gone off somewhere that it dawned on me what might have been on his mind. I was furious to think he would consider doing something so heinous. I was glad that he must have thought the better of it and never brought it up because my reaction would have been most unpleasant, to say the least.

  Because of the baby coming, I worried that Tony may try to persuade me to stay in England with his family. Much to my relief, though Tony enjoyed being with his family, he preferred living in the U.S. We returned to New York on March 1st. I was airsick the entire trip. I was so glad to see the Statue of Liberty in New York Harbor, but even she wasn’t as green as I was. Debbie let us stay with her until we found an apartment. Within a month, we found one and settled in quickly. Tony began working again with the clients he had before and even picked up a couple of new ones. I decided not to work regularly until after the baby came as the movie Dance Into my Heart, which featured my song, had been released to positive critical reviews. The royalties were continuing to trickle in.

  Most of the time that spring and summer, I prepared for the baby. I bought clothing and other necessities. I even embroidered a quilt for the crib. I got in touch with Danny as soon as we got back and told him that he was going to be an uncle. I also told him that I really wanted to mend things with our parents and have them in the baby’s life. Although I was determined that Tony and I cut expenses, and I was doing my level best, I ran up enormous phone bills talking to Danny. He and Ricky had broken up and he was lost. Danny was still keeping his sexuality a secret then, so I was one of few people he could talk to about his relationships, his feelings. I did my best to cheer him up. We talked about everything that was going on with us. He was the only one I could really open up to, now that I no longer had John. Tony had little empathy. If something wasn’t important to him, any time or energy spent on it was wasted.

  Early on the morning of August 29th, I got out of bed to use the bathroom and just then, my water broke. I panicked because Tony had already left for an early meeting with a record label executive. I called the label’s office, but no one answered. I left a message on the machine. I also called Debbie and those of Tony’s clients whose numbers were in our address book and left messages with them as well. I then went out into the rainy morning to get a taxi. Then, as now, the more you needed a cab in New York, the harder it was to get one.

  A taxi finally pulled over and I heaved my bulk into the back seat. “111 East 77th Street, Lenox Hill Hospital, please,” I told the driver. Just then, a contraction came and I groaned loudly. The driver looked at me in alarm. “Wha-a-a-t?” I asked. “Surely I’m not the first woman to give birth in your taxi, am I?” The horrified look on his face was priceless as he floored it out onto Second Avenue.

  At the hospital, the first thing they did was take me to X-Ray; I suppose to ascertain the position of the baby. The technician said, “Yep. There is a baby in there.”

  “Duh!” I thought. I told her in as casual a voice as I could, “Good. I’m glad to know that. I’d hate to think I grew this huge because of something I ate.”

  Tony arrived at the hospital around mid-afternoon. He finally had talked to one of the people I called. “Sorry I was delayed, but I’m here now, Love,” he said. When they wheeled me into the delivery room, they asked Tony to come and help me, but he didn’t want to. “I can’t. I’d just faint. I wouldn’t be any help to you if I fainted dead away now, would I?”

  Matty was born a little after five o’clock that afternoon. When the nurse left him with me, I unwrapped him and, as every new mother does, I counted all his little fingers and toes. As I stroked his silky blond hair, I was so overwhelmed, I cried a little. It’s such an awesome thing to give the gift of life to another human being. When the nurse returned, she noticed my tears. “Oh, it’s just that he’s so beautiful,” I said.

  She smiled. “Yes, he is; and at nine pounds, four ounces, he’s going to be the biggest baby in our nursery.”

  Tony and I named him Matthew after Tony’s maternal grandfather and Lars after my father. Lars is his real first name. He adopted ‘Larry’ and changed the spelling of our surname from N-E-U-M-A-N-N to N-E-W-M-A-N when he became an actor because he thought it would seem less ethnic and be easier to remember. For a while, Tony seemed happy about his new role as a father. The novelty would wear off soon enough, however. Other than when people came to visit, when he could show off with Matty, Tony mostly ignored him. I worried that Tony may come to resent the baby or even be abusive to him but, thank God, that never happened.

  With royalties from my song increasing since it had been released as a single, and Tony bringing in some money, our financial situation stabilized. I was unaccustomed to not having some work to occupy me and thoughts of John again crept into my consciousness. I was at a point now where I could think of him without crying, but deep sorrow and regret about how things ended between us still weighed heavy on my heart. I wrote several songs expressing these feelings. It served as a kind of catharsis. Given our need for money, perhaps I should have published them, but I didn’t have the heart to do so then and I put them away.

  I invited Danny to come East for Christmas and he did. I was so happy to see someone from my family. He however, was still hurting from his breakup with Ricky and I was determined to do my best to show him a good time and cheer him up. He brought one of his own paintings as a Christmas gift for Tony and me. It was of wispy grey clouds through which a piano keyboard weaved, the keys morphing into notes toward the end. It was done totally in black, white and grey. I
loved it and immediately we hung it in the living room over the sofa. It now hangs in my dining room.

  One day, when Tony was out, Danny told me the latest news about Mother and Dad. “When I told them about Matty, they just sat there with sad looks on their faces. They didn’t say anything then, but when I told them I was coming here for Christmas, they gave me that gift for him.” He pointed at the larger of two gifts he had brought for Matty that were waiting under the tree. It was brightly wrapped with a big bow and I could just tell that it was bought and prepared with love. “Only the smaller one is from me,” he went on. Coming over to me and putting his hand on my shoulder, he said, “I think, Hanni, all will depend on which of you swallows their pride first.”

  Danny had been invited to a New Year’s Eve party he did not want to miss, so he returned to Los Angeles on December 29th. I had hopes of a romantic New Year’s Eve with Tony, but he had already planned to go to Atlantic City with some of his friends. “Who would you get to mind the baby?” was his excuse for not including me. I was angry at first, but eventually decided that I didn’t care. Matty and I enjoyed ourselves together ringing in the New Year in front of the TV with Dick Clark.

  After the holidays, Tony and I decided we wanted to buy a place. Our small apartment was cramped already and Matty was only going to get bigger, God willing. He was growing into such a beautiful boy. He was blond; no surprise there, since both Tony and I are both blond. He inherited my grey blue eyes and cleft chin. I was so grateful that he was healthy and happy. He was never sick and he didn’t cry too much. My greatest happiness was to see him smile all over, which he did when I or anyone would chat with him.

  Finding a place that we both liked and could afford was proving a challenge for Tony and me. We looked at more than a dozen over four days and nothing even came close. When we returned home on the fourth day, I burst into tears in frustration. Tony said, “Well, maybe your parents need to come up with some help for us, eh?”

  “No, Tony. I can’t just phone them and say ‘Mother and Dad, we’re a little short of house money. How about it?’” Even if all had been good between my parents and me, I wouldn’t have presumed to put my hand out. Given how things were, it was completely out of the question.

  “Your Dad’s a famous actor. Surely he and your Mum aren’t short a quid or two to help out their daughter and grandson?”

  “It isn’t that. It’s … it just isn’t their place to provide for us. That’s your job, Tony; yours and mine.”

  “I’m doing the best I can.” Tony yanked open the closet door and threw his hat and scarf inside. “My parents wouldn’t hesitate to help us if they could. I haven’t asked them because I know they haven’t got anything. What kind of parents have you got, anyway? They didn’t come to our wedding; the baby is nearly six months old, yet they can’t be bothered to come visit him. My mother rings every month to ask after him; what he’s doing, how he’s growing, but yours? Not once.”

  I ignored Tony’s ranting and tried to let the matter go. I figured we’d just keep trying and eventually find something. I told myself there was no real rush. There would be new places coming available all the time. After all, it was only the end of February. However, I wondered if I should swallow my pride as Danny had said and ask for help.

  During the next week or two, I seriously considered phoning my parents. I even had my hand on the receiver once, ready to pick it up, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. Tony and I went house shopping again with no better results. “This is useless, Hannah,” he said as we walked home from the last attempt. “Any property we like is out of our league and any we can afford is crap.”

  “Yes, I know,” I said. “We’re just going to have to compromise. “Let’s sit down and make a list of things that are absolutely essential and one of those things we can do without. Eventually we’ll get to a point where we’ll find something we can settle on.”

  “Why haven’t you asked your parents for some help? Too much pride?”

  “No. I have been thinking about it, but I don’t think they’ll do it. They have always stressed independence to me.” I didn’t want to have to tell Tony the real reason. He wasn’t buying my excuse, though.

  “No,” he said, shaking his head. “I’ve been thinking about this. They didn’t want us getting married because it’s me they don’t like. That’s it, isn’t it?”

  Just then, we reached our front door. I sighed as I inserted the key into the lock. I didn’t see any use in trying to dance around it anymore. I decided to go with the truth, albeit understated. “They don’t think we’re a good match and they are angry with us because we didn’t heed their advice and rushed into getting married.”

  “Don’t think we’re a good match?” There was a sneering tone in his voice. “Don’t think I’m good enough for you is more like it. Who do they think they are to be so toffy nosed?”

  “Oh, Tony, don’t get carried away,” I said. “It isn’t like that. It’s just as I told you.” I rolled my eyes. Tony had such a way of making a Greek tragedy out of things that, depending on my mood at the time, either made me laugh or set my teeth on edge. That day, it was definitely the latter. “They’ll be around to visit Matty sooner or later, but you need to let go of this idea that they should buy our house.”

  “Not even for the only grandchild they’re likely to have?”

  I laughed. “What makes you think Matty is going to be their only grandchild?”

  “Well, I’m not up for any more kids. Are you? I doubt there’s any going to come from Danny, either. Anyone can see he’s a poof…”

  I rounded on Tony and punched him on the shoulder. “Shut up!” I screamed at him. “You have no right to insult my brother, especially since he’s always tried to be friendly to you and is the only one of my family who has visited us!”

  Tony grabbed a handful of my hair and twisted it viciously. He bent over and whispered into my ear, “Do that again, girl, and you’ll regret it.” He gave my hair another twist. “Now, I wasn’t insulting him. I was just stating an obvious fact. Are we clear?”

  “Let me go, Tony,” I cried. I was in enough pain that tears were coming into my eyes. I clawed at his hand trying to make him let go of my hair. “Tony, please, you’re hurting me! Let go!” Matty, frightened, began crying. Finally, Tony let go and stalked off into the bedroom and slammed the door, leaving me to sooth Matty.

  Later, after I nursed Matty and put him to bed, Tony wanted to apologize. He came up behind me and began rubbing my shoulders. “I’m sorry, love,” he said, kissing my head. “This looking for properties is getting to us both. Let’s turn in early tonight and tomorrow I promise we’ll go out for dinner; anywhere you want. That new neighbor downstairs can mind Matty. God knows, she’s offered enough times. What do you say?”

  I knew what he wanted. My heart sank even as I gave in to him for the sake of peace. Bedroom truces never solve anything; at least in my experience. They only serve as a distraction. Time spent on them is time not spent on working things out. The only good thing that came out of Tony’s and mine was Matty.

  From there, our relationship rapidly disintegrated. Even if we had wanted to save it, neither of us knew how. One day, after yet another quarrel, I watched in dumbfounded silence as Tony packed a bag and left. Afterward, for the rest of the day and into that night, I was numb. I lay awake all night and didn’t fall asleep until just before dawn.

  When I woke up, I felt calmer and more clear-headed than I had in months. The first thing I did was contact a divorce attorney. I wanted it over with as quickly as possible, so I agreed to take on all of the debt Tony had run up, to the tune of 18,000 dollars. I discovered that even my diamond and emerald wedding ring had been charged to one of the accounts I was paying off – and closing. I also would take custody of Matty, but Tony would have unrestricted visitation. I never wanted to separate them, even though Tony showed scant interest in our son.

  I asked around until I found out which of his friend
s Tony was staying with and had the papers served to him there. I then waited for the inevitable angry confrontation. I didn’t have to wait long. The next afternoon, I took Matty to the doctor for his check-up. When we returned home, Tony was there, waiting. In the middle of the living room were his suitcase and a couple of shopping bags containing the rest of his belongings. He picked up the divorce papers from the table and waved them in my face. “You’re absolutely sure this is what you want?”

  “Yes, Tony. Let’s face it. It’s not working for us. We quarrel all the time and it frightens Matty. It’s not good for him … or us.”

  “Very well, then. As you wish.” He took a pen from his shirt pocket and quickly signed the papers. He then picked up his things and made for the door. As he reached it, he turned around and said, “Did you think I was here to beg and plead with you to reconsider?” He let out a brittle laugh. “You’re not worth it.”

  I stood there and listened until the sound of Tony’s footsteps faded into silence. The silence fell so heavily, I could hear my own blood pumping. For what seemed like eternity, there wasn’t a sound, not even a coo or gurgle from Matty, who was still strapped in his stroller. Suddenly, all of the tears that wouldn’t come before now poured from me. They weren’t for Tony. I never really loved him and all I ever was to him was a meal ticket. No, they were tears of mourning for yet another failed relationship.

  ***

  I had heard of a movie project in development; a biopic of a musician. I wanted to do the score so I wrangled a meeting with the producer. For reasons which will soon be clear, I can’t mention his name. When I arrived, he abruptly dismissed his secretary, telling her to take the rest of the afternoon off. As soon as she was gone, he came around from behind his desk and ushered me to the sofa rather than one of the chairs. When he sat down next to me, too close for my comfort, I could smell his three martini lunch on his breath. Immediately, the hair on the back of my neck stood up.