Remember This

by Patricia Koerner

  “I know of your work on ‘View of a Murder’ and now a song you wrote is the title song of a very successful film. I’m impressed.” He moved closer to me. I was now wedged against the arm of the sofa. “You’re a very talented young woman; you’ve got a lot of potential. I’m sure we could put together a deal for you to work on our project,” he said as his fingers brushed my thigh.

  Instinctively, I jumped up off the sofa. “I’m excited to participate in it,” I said as I sat down in one of the chairs, a safe distance from him. “I even wrote down a few of my ideas.” I opened my briefcase and pulled out several pages of sheet music on which I had written them.

  “I’m sure they’re great. That’s why I agreed to this meeting.” He made no move to even look at the sheet music. “I wanted to get to know you a little first. If things work out, we’ll meet with the director and take it from there…” His eyes wandered to my chest. I really needed to work again, given my financial situation, so I suppressed the desire to tersely remind him where my face was and that my breasts don’t talk.

  “Perhaps I can come back when the director is here and we all can talk about my working for you,” I said.

  “I heard that you’re getting divorced; losing a husband and an agent all in one fell swoop. So, you’d do well to make friends in the industry,” he said. “And not alienate those who can help you, if you know what I mean. Your father’s name can only get you so far. What do you say, hmm?”

  I hesitated for a moment. I knew my walking out on this could get around among producers and directors and perhaps earn me a reputation for being difficult to work with and that my career could stall as a result. Still, I wasn’t going to lower myself to sleeping with anyone to get work. The idea of it nauseated me, especially with this oily specimen. I picked up my briefcase and handbag. “I say … goodbye,” I told him as headed for the door. I would later get a certain satisfaction when it turned out that he couldn’t get the support and funding he needed and the movie was never made.

  15

  By the time the divorce was finalized in June, I had decided that Matty and I needed a fresh start. I called my friend Laurie Jennings and asked her to help me locate a suitable place to rent in Santa Monica because I wanted to be near the beach and that I would wire her the money for a deposit. She was happy to help. “I’m sorry about all you’ve been through, but I’ve missed you and I’m glad you’re coming back,” she said. I missed her, too. I looked forward to seeing her again and doing the things together we used to enjoy. Even so, it was not an easy decision. New York had been my home for almost ten years, since I first came East to attend Performing Arts Academy. Though I was born and raised in California, it had become over time merely a place to visit occasionally.

  When I told Danny of my plans, he was encouraging. “There are so many more opportunities for you here if TV and movie scores are what you want to do,” he told me. He was optimistic regarding our parents, too. “I told Mother and Dad you are divorcing Tony and moving back out here. They tried to act casual about it, but I could tell they were happy and relieved.”

  “I want to get settled in first before I go see them,” I said. I needed time to think about how I was going to face them. “I want you to come with me when I go to see them,” I told Danny. “I’ll need all the moral support I can get.”

  Tony had gotten an apartment in Bayside, so I gave him half of our furniture and other household items. I also left him my new address in case he ever wanted to visit Matty. What was left, I hired a moving company to pack and deliver to the address in Santa Monica on July 24th, the day after Matty and I would arrive there.

  Laurie met our plane and took us right away to the duplex she had gotten for me. I was thrilled with it. It was light and airy and a mere ten minute walk from the beach. I opened one of the large windows in the living room and stood there, breathing in the ocean breeze. I could almost taste its tangy saltiness. I hugged Laurie and thanked her for all she’d done for me. “We’re going to have fun again, just like old times,” I promised her.

  The duplex was partially furnished with a bed in each of the two bedrooms, two chairs in the living room, one a recliner, and a chest of drawers in one of the bedrooms. With the time difference and the long trip, Matty and I were ready for bed right away. Our first night in California was spent in an empty house on a bed with no sheets or pillows, but I couldn’t have been happier.

  The next day, the moving van arrived around eleven. Laurie came back to help me unpack and keep an eye on Matty. After the movers had finished, we began in the kitchen. As we unpacked the dishes, Laurie excitedly told me about James, the man she had recently begun dating. “I can’t wait for you to meet him,” she gushed.

  “I’d love to meet him. I’ve got to see for myself that a man this perfect actually exists.” Seeing the smile disappear from her face, I walked over and gave her a hug. “Sweetie, I was just kidding. I’m really happy for you. If anyone deserves a wonderful man, it’s you.” I was glad for Laurie. She hadn’t had a lasting relationship since Cory and I also knew she loved children and wanted her own. James sounded like an ideal prospect. He had no ties to the industry, but was a high school math teacher who coached Little League baseball. A good occupation for a family man, I thought.

  “I’m sorry, Hannah. Here I am, going on and on about James when you probably don’t want to hear it right now.” I shook my head and shrugged in a reassuring gesture. For a long time, the only sound in the kitchen was the clinking of the dishes and the rattling of the newspaper as I balled it up and put it in the waste can. Suddenly, Laurie asked, “Do you miss John?”

  “Every single day. But when my feelings for him start cropping up, I just hide them away again, out of sight. It’s how I’ve survived these last two years. I don’t even dare to hope that he’ll ever forgive me, much less let me into his life again, although I’d give anything just to make peace with him.” I put the last glass away in the cupboard. “Enough of this,” I said. “Let’s go have lunch and then hit the flea markets. I want to get a few things for my new place.”

  That Sunday, Danny came for me and Matty to take us to Mother and Dad’s for dinner. Danny could see I was nervous. “Take it easy, Hanni. I told you they’re happy. I know they’re going to forget everything once they see this guy,” he said, indicating Matty, who was happily babbling to himself in the car seat I had just bought him.

  Danny was right. “I missed you both so much,” I told my father as I squeezed him in probably the tightest hug I’d ever given him.

  “Honey, we missed you, too; more than you know. You and Danny mean everything to us. We never want to lose either of you.”

  When my mother put her arms around me, I broke into tears. “I’m so sorry for everything, Mother.”

  She wiped the tears from my cheeks. “We are so sorry, too; your father and I. But we need never speak of it again. We have you back with us. That is the important thing,” she said as we went into the dining room where dinner was waiting. “And, now we have a grandchild to spoil,” she laughed.

  While a fatted calf was not on the menu that night, I still felt very much like a prodigal child. As I listened to Mother and Danny discussing the differences between set designing for stage and that for film, my heart began to lighten. I was starting over, with little money and no solid work prospects, but I knew I would manage. Matty and I had the love of family and I wasn’t about to lose that again.

  Back at my place, I put Matty to bed, and then Danny and I sat down with glasses of wine. “How are you feeling these days?” I asked him. I put my arm around his shoulders and gave them a squeeze. I was still concerned for him and how he was holding up after the breakup.

  “Better. I went to a concert a couple of weeks ago. I got talking to this guy seated near me and we really hit it off. His name is Patrick…” He broke off when he caught the skeptical look on my face. “Oh, trust me, Hanni. I’m going to take things slow this time. I’m not anxious to get burned a
gain.”

  I told Danny about Laurie’s new relationship and my own happiness at this chance to start over. He laughed as he lifted his glass. “Well, here’s to new beginnings,” he said. After we drank our toast, Danny looked serious. “I somehow sense that there is still one piece of unfinished business on your mind.”

  “I’m not even sure I want to go there. I mean, after two years? He may be married by now for all I know.”

  “I have a feeling he isn’t. Of course, I don’t know for sure. He must be filming at other studios since I have seen him only once or twice in passing since I gave him your letter. Let me make some discreet inquiries.”

  16

  Present Day (June 10th):

  Sophie was packing up her recorder and notes when Hannah said, “I know your birthday isn’t for a few days yet, but we won’t be meeting then and I wanted to do something.” She opened her refrigerator and brought out a marzipan covered cake with pink marzipan roses on the top and sprinkled with powdered sugar.

  “Wow! Where did you get this?” Sophie came over to the table to get a closer look.

  “I’m insulted, Sophie. Yes, truly offended,” said Hannah with mock indignation. “I did not get this from any bakery. I made this. It’s a Swedish Prinsesstarta, or Princess Cake. When I was a little girl, my grandmother, my father’s mother, made one of these for me every summer when I visited her in Minnesota.” She cut a slice onto a plate and handed it to Sophie. “Her name was Hanne-Marie. I’m named after her, though I use a different spelling.

  Sophie examined the layers of sponge cake, whipped cream and custard and remarked, “Well, here goes my waistline.” She took a bite. “Awesome. Was this your grandmother’s recipe?”

  “Not exactly,” admitted Hannah. She died when I was 13, before she could teach me her recipes. I found this one online. I remember how she made it and this comes pretty close.”

  “So, did your grandmother actually come from Sweden?”

  “Yes, she was from Gothenburg, a port city on the west coast. She came here when she was still pretty young, but because she lived mostly around other Swedes, she never learned English all that well. We communicated with her in a patois of English and Swedish – Swinglish, we called it.” The two women laughed. “Did you learn any Italian from your grandparents or other relatives?”

  “On my mother’s side, I didn’t know anyone who could still speak it, but my Dad’s uncle Pompilio did and he taught me some – not enough for me to be fluent, though. The one thing Uncle Pompilio loved about America was baseball. He used to take Frankie and me to the games when we were little and taught us everything he knew. That’s how we became fans. We love to go not only for love of the game, but because of the good memories it brings back.

  “Oh, that reminds me,” said Hannah, getting up from the table and retrieving an envelope from her desk. “I have this for you, too.”

  “I don’t believe this! Two tickets to the next Yankees home game! You didn’t have to do this.”

  “I wanted you and Frankie to have a chance to see a game together; especially now that I know it’s sort of a family tradition.”

  ***

  Hannah’s former colleague, Linda, phoned Hannah to tell her about a planned trip to London for a week to attend a conference. “Why don’t you take my car while I’m gone and get out of the city?” she suggested. “It will do you some good.”

  Hannah felt it was the perfect opportunity to pay that long promised visit to Matty and Paula and of course, Herbert, her grandcat. Since Hannah had received John’s ring from Mark Hobson, she and Matty had never again spoken about it or about John. Hannah was glad to have things between her and Matty again as they had been before. Hannah rarely drove and it was a little nerve wracking going over the GWB, but she made it to Rutherford and Matty’s without a hitch.

  While Matty barbequed chicken on the backyard grill, Paula showed Hannah the plans for the nursery. As she was showing Hannah some paint samples, Paula gasped and clutched her swollen belly. “The baby – I think she just kicked me!” Hannah placed her hand where Paula’s had been and no question, she could feel the soft flutterings of life within.

  ***

  A week later, when Hannah and Sophie next met and were reviewing the latest part of the manuscript, Hannah noticed that Sophie had something on her mind. “Is there something wrong? Everything looks fine here.”

  “No, nothing wrong,” Sophie answered. “It’s just that … on my birthday, Eddie, my ex-boyfriend, called me. I couldn’t believe it, after six months of silence.”

  “Well, you told me that you had several years with him. Maybe he decided that he wants to give things another chance before giving up. That’s a significant chunk of time out of anyone’s life to be losing. Then again, maybe he simply still loves you.”

  “That’s what he said. I thought I was over him, but after I talked with him, I realized I still love him. I want to give it another chance, too, but not to just go back to the same thing we had – the same thing that didn’t work before. I happened at the time to be working on the section where you talked about ‘bedroom truces’ and how they didn’t really solve anything. I just know that if I got back with Eddie, that’s how it would be.”

  “I think that’s a safe bet,” Hannah said with a tinge of drollery in her tone. “It must be a ‘man thing.’ Tony and Guillermo both were of the mind that a little sex would smooth over anything. They weren’t interested in seeing that unless the underlying issue was resolved out of the bedroom, it would just get worse and worse and sooner or later, become insoluble. I believe that is why – among many other reasons – both these relationships failed.”

  “Before, I wouldn’t have bet on Eddie being amenable to that, but if he really wants to work things out, he should be willing to put in the work, right?”

  “Sophie, it is not for me to tell you what to do. However, if I can suggest something; stay out of the bedroom until whatever issues you two had are worked out to your satisfaction. Otherwise, you may end up second guessing your decision to revive the relationship.”

  “I think I will do just that. But, speaking of revived relationships, how did you and John patch things up when you returned to California after your divorce?”

  17

  August 1980:

  I spent the next few days after the dinner at Mother and Dad’s car shopping. Unlike in New York, in L.A. it’s impossible to live without a car. After two days of looking and going back and forth between several possibilities, I finally settled on a gently used white Volkswagen Rabbit. The following week, I drove with Matty to West L.A. to a new little outdoor café Danny wanted to try. While I alternated between feeding Matty and eating my own lunch, I listened to what Danny had found out about John.

  “Hanni, it’s not good. Maybe you should think again about seeing him.”

  “He’s married, is that it?”

  “No-o-o,” Danny said slowly. “He isn’t married.”

  “What then? He’s seeing someone?”

  “He’s seeing everyone.” I must have looked as perplexed as I felt because Danny shifted in his seat, then continued, “I verified this with three different people so it’s probably true. He’s been with so many girls, the joke is going around is that he’s installed a revolving door to his bedroom to make things easier.”

  “Well, I shouldn’t expect that he’d just sit at home, pining away for me.” I laughed, but actually, it made me sick. John was so beautiful that it was no surprise to me that there would be predatory women who wanted a piece of him; but when I pictured it in my mind, I couldn’t suppress the tears and they rolled down my cheeks.

  “There’s more. He’s been hitting the bottle, too. Once last year, he showed up on the set drunk. The director chewed him out and sent him home. He wanted to fire John, but they were on a tight schedule and it would have taken too long to find another actor and reshoot his scenes. So, they shot other scenes that day. The next day, John showed up sober and work we
nt on. You know how it is, Hanni. L.A. is a big city, but it’s also an industry town where people gossip and everyone knows everyone else’s business. In that respect, it might as well be Mayberry.”

  We sat in silence for a while. I couldn’t eat anymore, so I finished feeding Matty and then put a couple of his toys on his tray to keep him occupied while I continued talking to Danny. “Why, Danny? Why is doing this to himself?”

  Danny moved his chair next to mine and put his arm around my shoulders. “I think I know. When Ricky and I split, I went through a period like that. I just wanted to numb the pain and distract myself from thoughts of him. Thank God I didn’t turn to booze too, like John has, but I do understand how effective a pain killer it is.”

  “Then, I’ve got to go to him. If he’s like this because of me, I need to make it right. If he continues down this road, he’ll ruin his career and possibly his life as well. I can’t let that happen.”

  “Hanni, maybe you shouldn’t go. I didn’t want to tell you all this because I knew it would hurt you, but you should know what you could be getting into. At least let me go with you. If you were to catch him when he’s been drinking, who knows what he’ll do.”

  I squeezed his hand. “No. This is something I have to do alone. I promise though, if things get out of control, I’ll call you.”

  I gave some thought to what Danny had said. I considered the possibility that John may be drunk when I arrived or with another woman, but it did nothing to deter me. I wasn’t going to have peace of mind until I at least tried to set things right. Danny was able only to get his address in North Hollywood, no phone number, so I was unable to phone John before I drove to his house. My stomach was in knots as I pulled up to the curb. I felt as if I was about to walk into a lion’s den – a wounded lion’s den. I thought of the Biblical Daniel, armed only with his faith. It was about all I had, too. I took a deep breath and knocked.