All the Broken Places

by Anise Eden

  “Kai told me you asked him about that. You know full well what we did was a couple of notches above top secret, and we can’t talk about it, not to anyone. And that includes you.”

  How thoroughly annoying. I smirked. “I think you’re making that up. I bet you guys spent all of your time in some red-light district somewhere, and you just don’t want anybody to know about it, so you say it was ‘top secret.’”

  “Well then,” Pete said, grinning widely, “if you’re wonderin’ how Big Ben is in the sack after all those sessions with the pros, I’m afraid I can’t shed any light there. You’ll have to find that out all on your own.”

  A fierce blush exploded across my face. I quickly turned to look out my window again. Goddamned Pete, I thought—and not for the last time.

  • • •

  Ben asked me to join him in his office after tai chi, which had been a little less embarrassing than before. I had skulked around the back of the room, trying to go unnoticed and doing my best to go through the arm motions. Thankfully, Ben had stayed in the front of the room, which had improved my concentration.

  He had changed back into his usual suit and button-down shirt with the collar undone. “So.” Ben clapped his hands together, radiating good health as he took his seat behind the desk. “How do you feel this morning?”

  “Okay,” I lied, taking my place in the usual armchair. “Well-rested.”

  “Glad to hear it. How about emotionally?”

  “Oh…well…” I looked up at the ceiling.

  He rubbed his jaw. “Still trying to get used to the portals being closed?”

  “Um…” I tried to remember how I had decided to start my speech. “About that.”

  “Yes?”

  Here goes, I thought. “After I got home last night, I had time to think over everything that’s happened over the past two days, and I realized that it could all actually be explained without resorting to a belief in auras or portals or any other New Age stuff. I mean Vani could easily be a very perceptive person and a good guesser.”

  “Ah.” Ben’s expression was inscrutable as he leaned back in his chair.

  “And I could have passed out from, I don’t know, dehydration or nerves or something.”

  “Mm-hmm.” Ben brushed an invisible piece of lint off of his knee.

  I was getting much less resistance than I had expected. A seed of suspicion formed in the back of my mind that Ben’s calm wasn’t what it appeared to be. Still, I pushed onward. “And as far as not being able to sense my clients anymore, who knows? Maybe the filaments were all in my head. Maybe we never really were connected like that, and the ‘evidence’ I thought I was seeing was merely due to coincidence. Coincidences do happen, after all.”

  I gave Ben a professional smile. He hasn’t disagreed with me yet, I marveled. Could it really be this easy?

  “Yes, they do,” Ben said. “So what you’re saying is that all of the problems you’ve been having could be the products of an overactive imagination.”

  “And probably some anxiety,” I tacked on to add clinical legitimacy.

  “Of course, and some anxiety. And all of those symptoms you told us about in your intake interview…they’ve all disappeared?”

  “I just needed to get a handle on them, that’s all—which I have done now with your help.” I made an effort to project a combination of gratitude and confidence.

  “I can see that you’re a person of intellectual integrity. That’s a quality I respect a great deal.”

  I couldn’t tell if he was being sincere or sarcastic, but I decided to go with the former presumption. “Thank you,” I said, trying to appear humble. There was no need to burn bridges; the MacGregors were colleagues of Dr. Nelson’s after all.

  He leaned forward, put his elbows on the desk, and regarded me thoughtfully. “Cate, I don’t care how you fit what we do here into your belief system, if at all. The important thing is that you learn the skills we have to teach you.”

  I felt almost relieved that he was finally pushing back. I was also glad that I had anticipated what he might say and had a ready answer to his argument. I maintained a polite tone. “But now that I have a better idea of what you do here, I don’t think I can learn the skills you want to teach me without completely abandoning my belief system—a system I’ve been carefully developing my entire life—and that’s just not something I’m willing to do. Things that don’t fit into my belief system don’t really hold any value for me.”

  “I see.” A shadow fell across his face. “So in spite of the commitment you made to stay for the entire program, you’ve decided to leave us.”

  Well, since he’d brought it up…time for the diplomatic grand finale. “I’m very grateful for the help you’ve given me. What we’ve done so far has really brought me back to reality and helped me to see things clearly. Please don’t misunderstand; I think the work you’re doing here is interesting, and I’d love to keep up with Dr. MacGregor’s research. But to be honest, I don’t see any point in staying. I think it would be a waste of your time and mine.” I covered one hand with the other and crossed my hidden fingers.

  He held my eyes for an uncomfortably long moment. “You’re sure? Your mind is made up?”

  “It is. I spent a lot of time considering this.”

  Ben leaned over and started rummaging around in his briefcase. “I can’t tell you how sorry I am to hear that.”

  He sounded even sorrier than I was expecting him to. “Like I said, I really appreciate everything you’ve tried to do for me.”

  He pulled a piece of paper from the briefcase and slid it across the desk to me. “You’re leaving me no choice then.”

  Oh for God’s sake, I thought. “Look, if that’s the contract I signed, I really don’t think—”

  “Read it.” His eyes hardened.

  I picked up the paper. It was a note, handwritten on a piece of paper from…Dr. Nelson’s prescription pad? I looked up at Ben. He gestured toward the paper. It was dated the day before, and it read: “If Cate Duncan leaves the MacGregor’s program after Day Two, she will not be returned to work but will be placed on indefinite suspension until I decide what to do with her. Affectionately, Dr. Nelson.”

  I stared at the note. I double-checked the date. I analyzed the handwriting and signature. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing.

  I heard Ben’s voice. “I told my mother about your reaction to the portal closure yesterday. We were both concerned, so we had Dr. Nelson over for dinner to discuss things.”

  My eyes closed. They’d had Dr. Nelson over for dinner? This cannot be happening, I told myself.

  “Don’t worry, I didn’t tell them that you’ve been secretly checking in on your clients and working with Simone,” he said. “We just talked in general terms about how you’re doing. Dr. Nelson really cares about you, you know.”

  They weren’t going to let me go. I put the note back on the desk, leaned back in my chair, and covered my face with my hands.

  “It’s obvious to all of us that you could not be better suited to our program. However, I know better than anyone how challenging all of this has been for you, so I expressed some reservations about your staying power.”

  I bet he did. I felt like I was starting to drown.

  “We all agreed that after what happened yesterday, it was likely that you would come in today and try to reason your way out of continuing with the program.” He tapped the note on the desk with his finger. “So Dr. Nelson provided a little insurance in case you tried to leave. Feel free to call him if you would like to verify any of this.”

  I pulled my hands away from my face. Ben’s formerly handsome face suddenly appeared tyrannical to me. The straight dark line of eyebrows resembled a billy club, and the square corner of his jaw was evocative of a prison cell. “You son of a bitch.”

  “That’s fine,” he said, meeting my challenging gaze with his own. “Be angry at me. But you should know that it was out of respect for you and confidenc
e in our program that Dr. Nelson only stipulated that you have to stay beyond Day Two. He’s aware that the first few training exercises can be a bit of a shock, but he also has faith that given the opportunity to rethink things—and giving us another opportunity to win you over—you will choose to honor your commitment.” The corners of his eyes creased with concern. “We all care about you, Cate.”

  So the MacGregors and Dr. Nelson were thick as thieves. “Dr. Nelson is very familiar with the program then,” I observed bitterly.

  Ben appeared implacable. “He certainly is. He helped my mother develop it. That’s why he’s so confident this is the right thing for you.”

  I struggled to absorb what I was hearing. I had actually thought that I was getting to know Ben. I’d submerged into him, for God’s sake. But now…who was this person? “I can’t believe you did this to me! How could you, after everything we’ve been through over the past couple of days?”

  I thought I saw him flinch slightly. “I’m sorry you feel that way, but my priority is to keep you in the program. You don’t understand how important that is yet, but we do. It’s not just about training you at this point. It’s for your own safety.”

  “My safety?” More desperate bullshit. Something inside of me went very cold. I willed it to grow and spread itself over the wound Ben had inflicted, to dull the pain. “I don’t know you at all, do I?”

  Ben ignored my question. “Our next meeting is with Kai in the basement. Shall we?” He stood up and opened the door.

  Snookered again. I swallowed hard to keep tears from rising to the surface. The walk to the basement felt like a walk to the gallows.

  Chapter Sixteen

  The basement was humming with activity. Kai was on the stage busying himself around a makeshift altar. Vani was standing in the middle of the room tapping on her phone. Eve and Asa appeared to be locked into an intense computer gaming session, sitting in their respective cubicles wearing high-tech looking headsets and exacting punishment on their consoles. Though surrounded by people, I felt acutely alone.

  I heard the familiar ambient music from our tai chi sessions playing in the background. When she spotted us, Vani came over and squeezed my hands. “How are you today?”

  “Fine,” I lied. I told myself that if I was going to be stuck there for the rest of the day, I would have to find some way of making things bearable. I decided to show Ben how agreeable I could be when people treated me reasonably. I forced myself to smile back at Vani. “How are you?”

  “Great,” she chirped. “Looking forward to your initiation ritual.”

  “My what?” I asked. She gestured toward the stage where Kai was donning some kind of elaborate robe.

  “We’re all going to participate. Hopefully, the extra bodies will help contain the energy so we don’t have a repeat of yesterday’s…well, you know.” She shrugged apologetically.

  “Right, I remember. But what kind of ritual?”

  Vani gave Ben a puzzled look. “You didn’t explain it to her?”

  “We had other things to discuss,” Ben said impassively. “Why don’t you do the honors?”

  As Vani gave us a curious look, Kai shouted, “Oh no, honey, leave it to me. I’ll take care of Cate. Come on over here!” I was all too glad to leave Ben’s circle of influence and climb onto the stage.

  Kai was really decked out. He wore Cleopatra-style eyeliner and a long crimson robe covered with embroidery and fastened at the neck with a gold clasp. On his head was some kind of elaborate headdress with feathers, a cross between a Catholic bishop’s hat and something you might see on a Rockette.

  “Wow, Kai,” I said, “you look stunning!”

  “Thanks, hon. I could wear jeans and a T-shirt, but what fun would that be? Plus, I think the Divine appreciates it when you put in a little effort out of respect.”

  I couldn’t help but smile. As much as I hated having to be there, I loved being around Kai. I remembered what he’d said that first day about coming to him if Ben ever gave me a hard time. I figured it was as good a time as any to find out if the offer was genuine. “Kai, can I ask you something?”

  “Anything,” he said as he arranged some two foot-long pink and white crystals in a square on the stage floor.

  “Is Ben always a pain in the ass?”

  “Always, always.” He placed two chairs facing one another on either side of the crystal configuration, appearing completely unsurprised by my question. “That’s like death and taxes.”

  “That’s what I was afraid of,” I muttered.

  “Don’t worry.” Kai straightened up and put a hand on my shoulder. “He’s a good boy at heart. He means well. But you know, we are what we are. Nothing can change that. And what Ben is, is definitely a pain in the ass!” Kai shouted the last four words in Ben’s direction.

  Ben shot us a scowl.

  Kai chuckled and patted my arm. “He’s a pussycat, baby. This ritual we’re going to do today is going to blow your mind! Are you excited?”

  Kai certainly looked excited. I decided to reserve judgment so as not to insult my new ally. I searched for words, finally settling on, “I have no idea what to expect.”

  “What we’re going to do is open you up so you have easier access to all of your gifts. We’ll blow your doors off their hinges. You are going to be humming and churning with power when we finish with you. Are you up for that?”

  I was hit by a sharp wave of panic. After my portal closure fainting spell, I wasn’t sure I could handle any more “mind blowing.” But as I looked around, everything I saw reminded me of nothing more than the prop room at a middle school play. Surely there was nothing more to it than a bit of amateur theatrics. There couldn’t be any harm in humoring him. “Sure, I’m up for it.”

  “Great!” He clapped his hands several times. “Okay, everybody, we’re ready. Come on up.”

  With reluctance, Eve and Asa dragged themselves away from their computers, but they greeted me warmly once on stage. Eve wore the dark multi-textured and carefully put-together uniform of the style-conscious punk, while Asa was casual in khakis and a T-shirt emblazoned with the slogan User Friendly.

  “What were you guys playing?” I asked.

  “Apocalypse Slaughter Death House Five!” Asa announced.

  “Yeah, we were just destroying a couple of tweakers in Moscow,” Eve explained.

  “Congratulations!”

  “Thanks,” Eve said. Then she added quickly, “But your ritual is going to be much cooler.”

  “Oh yeah,” Asa nodded. “Much cooler.”

  “That’s good to hear,” I said, touched by their efforts to reassure me.

  “Okay, enough nerd talk, children,” Kai said as he gestured for me to sit in one of the chairs near the crystals. He took the chair facing me while Vani, Asa, and Eve sat around us like points on a triangle.

  Ben stood awkwardly on the floor in front of the stage. “Do you need me?” he asked Kai.

  “No, Benjamin,” Kai said sternly, “I get the impression you’ve done quite enough this morning. I think we’ll do better without your energy mussing things up.”

  I could hardly believe my eyes: Ben actually looked chastened. He took a seat in Vani’s cubicle. I gaped at Kai, who seemed to take his power over Ben entirely for granted. He was already giving out instructions to the people on the stage.

  “You all,” Kai gestured to Eve, Vani, and Asa, “you got my back. If anything goes wrong, you know what to do.” They all nodded, looking completely confident and at ease—and why shouldn’t they? What could possibly go wrong? It was all make-believe. Robes, crystals…no ritual knives or goat heads. There was nothing to worry about.

  Then Kai turned to me. “So this is what’s going to happen. Don’t worry; all you have to do is sit here. I’ll invite the Other Side to join us. Then I’ll see who shows up for you and ask if they have anything to say.”

  I blinked. “What do you mean, ‘who shows up for me?’”

  “You know, spirit
s. Dead people,” he said casually, as though mentioning that he were left-handed. “We’ll see who accepts our invitation to show up from the other side to support you. If they want to talk to us, I might ask you some questions to verify the information they’re giving me. In that case, answer me briefly, yes or no. Got it?”

  I loved Kai, but he truly was a crackpot. “Okay,” I said, hoping to conceal my disbelief. “Then what?”

  “Then, kaboom!” Kai moved his hands as if to illustrate an explosion. “We’ll blow those doors off of their hinges like we talked about, and your gifts will be fully accessible. It will be earth shattering. Just you wait.”

  I could feel Ben’s eyes on me, but I refused to look his way. “Sounds good.”

  “Wonderful!” said Kai. “Everyone, prepare yourselves.”

  Vani, Eve, and Asa sat cross-legged with their eyes closed and their hands on their knees, palms up. Kai closed his eyes and pressed his hands together, placing them in front of his forehead. I closed my eyes as well, not wanting to be disrespectful.

  When Kai spoke, it was with the deep tone and rhythmic cadence of a televangelist. “I ask the gods and goddesses, spirit guides, and guardian angels, spirits from beyond the veil, and all those who wish to support Cate Duncan in this opening ritual to be in attendance with us now.”

  I felt a chill go down my spine. Kai is great at this, I thought. He would be a hit in Vegas.

  There was silence for a few moments before Kai spoke again. “Spirits, I feel your presence. If there is one among you who would like to step forward and communicate with us in support of Cate, please make yourself known to me.”

  I felt a cool wind start to blow gently on the crown of my head. I wondered if I might be sitting under an air conditioning vent.

  “Cate, who is Rhona?”

  My heart leapt and my eyes flipped open. I looked at Kai; his eyes were still closed. “What did you say?” I asked, trying to control the alarm in my voice.

  “Rhona says she has come here for you. Is this someone you know?”

  Is this some kind of a sick joke? I wondered. Rhona was an unusual name, and one that I had never mentioned to anyone. “My mother’s name was Rhona.”