Annie's Recipe

by Lisa Jones Baker

  He’d begged his folks to let him say good-bye to Annie. His dad’s answer hadn’t left negotiating room. Levi closed his eyes and breathed in a painful sigh, knowing he would never, ever forget the huge loss that had continually haunted him, even after they’d settled into their small apartment.

  A voice pulled him back to the present. The barefoot kid looked up at Levi. “Will you pray with me?”

  Surprised, Levi nodded. As he knelt beside Jake on the hardwood floor, a strange emotion tugged at his heart. The soft voice began, “Dear God, thank You for Maem, Daed, Aidan, Elijah, Friend, and Levi.” The boy’s voice was soft and sincere. “Please don’t let Levi go home. I want him here with me. Amen.”

  The last sentence tugged at Levi’s heart until his chest ached. He swallowed a knot of emotion and tucked the boy in. He took in the innocent face that stared up at him with great admiration. Long eyelashes. Small feet sticking out of the covers. The scene in front of him was nothing less than beautiful.

  As soon as Jake closed his eyes, Levi considered what Annie had said about God’s plan. About all the steps, good and bad, along the way taking us to the end result. He didn’t know if it was true; it certainly made sense. And it made him feel a heck of a lot better because he didn’t yet know his life’s purpose.

  He stepped away, not taking his eyes off the rising and falling of the cover over Jake’s chest. The boy’s lips were parted. Levi wondered what it would be like to be Jake. Not to have a care in the world other than feeding his squirrel.

  He dug his hands into the pockets of his jeans, wondering if God had brought him back to be little Jake’s role model.

  Not wanting to leave the room, he quietly took a seat in the wooden rocking chair in the corner. As he watched Jake sleep, his conversation with Annie crept into his mind and settled there. He couldn’t stop thinking of Annie’s view of God’s plan. That life was a series of steps, and that they couldn’t all be good ones. But the setbacks, as well as golden moments, were necessary to reach God’s desired ending for each of us. Salty tears stung his eyes and he blinked. He wasn’t sure of the reason for his tears. He wasn’t sad. On the contrary, he was drifting back to his happy Amish childhood. Like Jake, Levi had been protected by his family and their tight-knit community.

  The union of people supporting him had been kind of like a protective shield. He’d never feared a thing. At that time, he’d had very little but had never felt deprived because what he’d had was all the love a kid could want. He’d had everything. At night he’d gone to sleep in a bed that had been hand-made by his father, in an austere room just like this one. His closet hadn’t been full of tennis shoes like now. But his mother had made the deep blue curtains that covered most of his bedroom windows. And his mom had knelt each night to say his prayers with him. She’d also made the soft, warm quilt he’d pulled up over his body.

  Levi pressed his lips together in deep deliberation. More than ever, he felt God sending him a message. Yet he still wasn’t sure. How can I be getting a signal if I don’t know what it is?

  With calm certainty, Annie had assured him that God would lead him to take the right steps, even though right now he didn’t know what they were. Their conversation had been simple, yet her words had renewed his faith. And his strength.

  More than ever, Levi was determined to learn God’s purpose for him. The most important reason he’d been put here on the earth. If God had an important job for everyone, what was his?

  As he drew in a sigh, he stood and took one last look at Jake. Levi hadn’t done anything to deserve the kid’s unconditional admiration. Jake’s chest rose and fell, and Levi took in the innocent face. It was amazing that God had created this special boy who had won Levi’s heart. An unexpected rush of love filled him. He continued to search his soul for the reason God had brought him back to this community. In desperation, he squeezed his eyes closed and pressed his palms together. He whispered, “Dear God, I know I’m here for a reason. Please tell me what it is.”

  * * *

  Annie stepped up to the front door. She’d spent more time at Pebble Creek that afternoon than she’d planned on. The moment she was inside, Mamma eyed her with a combination of curiosity and disapproval.

  Pretending to ignore the look of disfavor, Annie hung her coat on the hook and quickly proceeded to wash her hands. “Sorry I’m late, Mamma,” she hollered from the bathroom. “I’ll help with supper as soon as I wash up.”

  Annie’s heart pumped to a hard, nervous beat as she rushed to complete her task as her conversation with Levi flooded her mind with unanswered questions. Right now she’d have to put them on the back-burner.

  Mamma was unhappy. Annie could tell by the dismayed expression on her face. By the way her brows furrowed in skepticism. By the not-so-warm tone of her voice.

  Without wasting time, Annie stepped with forced enthusiasm to the utensil drawer and pulled out the forks and spoons. As she did so, Mamma stood next to her, breathing a deep sigh of frustration. “I don’t suppose I need to ask where you’ve been.”

  Now Annie knew what this was all about. Somehow Mamma was fully aware of Annie’s time with Levi. Meeting her gaze, Annie lifted a proud chin. She’d always been honest and direct, and this time wouldn’t be an exception. “I was with Levi, Mamma. At Pebble Creek. I wasn’t trying to be sneaky. I just didn’t want you to worry.”

  Not encouraging further discussion, Annie stepped to the table. As she carefully placed utensils to the side of creamy white plates, a long, tense silence ensued. Annie frowned and contemplated the unexpected tension. She had hoped to keep her visit with Levi a secret. There was no use upsetting her parents, but moments with Levi couldn’t wait.

  Without a doubt, Mamma disapproved of their time together, even though Annie had done nothing wrong. She wasn’t sure why her mother felt this dissatisfaction. In Annie’s opinion, wrong was what her own community had done to Levi’s father. If blame was to be placed, they should share it equally with John Miller.

  “Need I ask what you two were up to?”

  Annie stopped what she was doing, took a deep, decisive breath, and moved confidently to her mamma, who had removed a large foil piece off the pot roast. Breathing in the delicious scent, Mamma stirred a pot of ham and bean soup. Annie looped an affectionate arm around Mamma’s neck and planted a reassuring kiss on her cheek. In her softest, most reassuring voice, she pleaded, “Mamma, please don’t worry. Surely Levi and I can catch up on things.”

  She sighed. “He won’t be here long.”

  Annie gave a defensive shrug. “He’s the best friend I ever had. It’s just not fair.”

  Frowning, Mamma raised the pitch of her voice a notch. “Honey, you don’t have to remind me of your friendship. I’m sure everyone around here remembers that you two were inseparable.” She turned to Annie, the expression on her face a combination of pleading and desperation. “But, honey, that was ten years ago. You were kids. He was good for you then. And nothing was wrong with it at the time.”

  Annie put her hands on her hips and lifted her chin. “Nothing’s wrong with it now, Mamma.”

  Her mother didn’t respond immediately. Finally, when she did, her shoulders had sagged. “Maybe not. But things are different now, Annie.”

  Annie lifted a brow in protest. “Really? How?” The last thing she wanted was a confrontation, but this one seemed inevitable. She watched Mamma’s brows draw together as she studied the ingredients in the oversize pot as if it was a map of the world. Finally, Mamma lowered her voice to a more understanding tone. She put the stirring spoon on a dish towel and pulled Annie to stand at arm’s length.

  “You’re of courtin’ age. And Levi’s not in our church. Everything between you two might seem innocent . . .”

  “It is! How can you . . .”

  Annie couldn’t finish her question because her mother jumped in. “Honey, you’re missing the point. I trust you. And it seems as though Levi has grown up into a nice young man. But I don’t have
to remind you how fast word travels around here. Can you imagine what everyone might think?” She waved a dismissive hand. “It would bring shame to our whole family if people started talking.”

  Annie’s jaw dropped in shock as Mamma’s words registered. Annie couldn’t believe what she’d just heard. For several moments she stood with her mouth open. “Mamma?”

  She waited for Annie to continue.

  “You’ve always been fair. Surely you’re not telling me to stay away from Levi. I can’t do that. We’ve already been pulled apart. I won’t let it happen again.” While she ordered herself to stay composed, her voice shook with emotion. Tears streamed down her face. “I prayed for him and his family for ten years. All that time, I wondered if he was okay. What he was doing. If his father had landed on his feet.” She caught her breath. “Finally, Levi and I got to talk, thanks to the wedding he almost didn’t come to. But, Mamma, he’s not going to stay.” Annie almost choked on her words. “He’s leaving. And until that happens I want to spend every moment I can with him.”

  She watched as the look on Mamma’s face filled with even more desperation. When they faced each other again, Annie thought she detected fear in the low tone of her mother’s voice. “Annie, I wish I could make you understand. I don’t mean to underestimate the strong bond you two share. Lots of children never forget who they played with when they were little.”

  “It’s more than that, Mamma.”

  Mamma’s voice tensed. “You can’t have a future with Levi. At some point you’ve got to admit it.”

  Annie’s jaw dropped. At first she didn’t respond, considering the dismal words. Her mother’s directness had surprised her. Finally, she lowered her eyes to the floor. Her own voice sounded tired and discouraged. “You don’t have to tell me there’s no future with him. I know it. And I haven’t even considered it. But our friendship . . . it’s real. Despite what happened, he came back. Over the years, he’s had to recover. And he’s trying to forgive and forget. To be honest, he’s a better person than me. I don’t know how he even looks at some of these people after what they did to his daddy.”

  Mamma put a firm hand on her hip. “Annie, don’t you talk like that. John Miller was fully aware of his actions. And by the way, that wasn’t the first time he’d done what he wanted. Do you think he didn’t know he was breaking the rules?”

  Annie shook her head.

  Mamma nodded her approval. “Of course he knew what he was doing.”

  “Mamma, it was only one thing. I’m not condoning what he did. I know he drove his truck when his driver quit. I just don’t understand why we had to ruin his whole life.”

  “Honey, shunning brings sadness to the whole church. When John was baptized into the church, he agreed to abide by its guidelines. Disobedience to something you promise to uphold is a sin. According to the Bible, shunning is required by the other members.”

  Annie lowered her chin a notch.

  “He brought this on himself, Annie. Don’t go blaming us.” She cleared her throat. “I don’t want to hear any more about how badly we treated him. He could have resolved that whole mess if he’d apologized and hired another driver. The community would have taken him back.”

  Annie thought for a moment. Finally, she shrugged. “Maybe. Maybe not. What’s done is done. It’s not a perfect world, Mamma. Isn’t that what forgiveness is all about? I just don’t see why life can’t continue in a kinder manner. And as far as Levi goes, he’s honest. Decent. One of the best. If everyone around here looks at Levi as the son of a man who was shunned, that’s hardly fair. He shouldn’t suffer the consequences of his father.”

  “But that’s not the case, Annie. We all know what a fine young man Levi is. No one’s arguing that. But . . .”

  Annie took her mamma’s shoulders between two firm palms. “Mamma, listen to me. There’s nothing to worry about. This conversation’s a waste of time. You trust me, don’t you?”

  Mamma nodded without hesitation.

  “Then hear me out. I don’t know how I can make you understand . . . what I feel for Levi . . . it’s rare. I believe in him with everything I say and do. What we built years ago . . . it’s too strong to just wave it good-bye. Levi believes in the Lord, just like me. And nothing he did is cause for me to ignore him. If people talk, I’m sorry. Maybe they should pray harder to mind their own business.”

  “Annie!”

  “It’s true, Mamma. This is ridiculous. I’ve always tried to please you and Dad. But you have to understand that there’s nothing in this world that will stop me from being his friend.”

  * * *

  That evening, slow, uncertain steps took Annie toward her hope chest. She stood for long moments to admire the carved recipe before raising the lid. With a deep sigh, she bent down to take out her journal. As always, she left the gift from Old Sam open to view the beautiful deep blue velvet lining.

  A moonbeam zoomed in through the window, landing on a spot on the floor just in front of her bed. As she sat in the middle of the circle of light, she pulled a lantern closer for even more light.

  She entered the date on her journal, hesitated, and studied the otherwise blank page. There was so much to write about. And even more to figure out. The thoughts flitting through her mind weren’t connecting and she wasn’t sure where to start.

  “Okay,” she decided. “May as well begin with the afternoon at Pebble Creek.” Trying to make sense of everything, she dropped the journal to her lap and pressed her fingers against her cheeks. For a moment she closed her eyes and tried to focus. An uncertain sensation swept dangerously up her arms to her shoulders. Automatically, she rolled them to rid herself of the tingle.

  As her conversation with Levi replayed in her mind, she started to write.

  I treasure my time with Levi. I expected to cover the entire past ten years; that hardly happened. The focus ended up being on his dad’s shunning. How it had affected the Millers and how Levi feels about it.

  She frowned.

  Part of him hasn’t recovered. He didn’t say it, but I know. Maybe he never will. I wouldn’t want to be in his shoes. On the other hand, I might.

  She bit her lip and considered her last words. It certainly didn’t make her feel good.

  I don’t know why, but when Levi explained his options, I wondered what it would be like to have them. When I responded that the world was at his doorstep, I meant it. But that confession made me realize that the difference between us is much larger than our faith.

  She paused to cross her hands over her lap. She didn’t like the fact that their paths were so unalike. His seemed to branch off in many routes while hers proceeded in one predictable direction. She continued to write.

  I may have told a lie. I’m not sure. I confessed to Mamma that I didn’t want anything but friendship with Levi.

  Her heart jumped to a dangerous, uncertain beat. Annie put down the pen and journal, stood, and went to the window. Her conversation with Mamma floated through her mind. So did the one she’d had with Levi.

  What I said to my mother . . . it was wrong. It was rude. I didn’t mean to hurt her or seem disrespectful. If Levi weren’t so important to me, I wouldn’t pursue our friendship. I’d spare Mamma the pain and keep quiet. But Levi is important to me. And I feel responsible for what his family went through. I’ve been raised to follow the Ordnung. But in my mind, I long for adventure. The unexpected. As I get older, I realize the strict rules we commit to when we join the church. And I understand that shunning is sometimes necessary. But it makes me sad. I’m certainly not without flaw. It’s not a perfect world, and we are human.

  While she contemplated the impact John Miller’s shunning had had on everyone around him, including her family and Levi’s, she wondered if the punishment was much worse than the sin. She wasn’t sure. Maybe when she got older she would know. As she looked into the night, she took in the star-cluttered sky.

  If God can create something so amazing, He could work out a way not to shun Levi�
��s dad. I can’t let that bother me so much. Because it’s out of my control. If I could set the rules, there would be no shunning. Unless the sin was murder.

  As the aroma of homemade butter filled the room, Annie rested her back against her bed and adjusted her journal.

  There’s something else I’m uneasy about.

  She fidgeted with her hands, then moved her feet to a more comfortable position. The conversation with Mamma replayed in her head until Annie’s temples pounded. She closed her eyes. When she opened them again, she returned pen to paper.

  Mamma said I could never have a future with Levi. Of course I know that. For some reason, though, that thought is unsettling. I’m not sure why.

  She pressed her lips together in deep thought, then continued.

  Why can’t Mamma trust me? I’ve tried to do right by my parents. And to my faith. I’ve never given them reason to doubt my actions. They’ve always believed in me. So why would they want to deprive me of the best friend I’ve ever had? And what have I done to make them doubt me?

  Chapter Four

  The following morning the bright October sun gracefully floated in through the opened doors of Old Sam’s barn. Wearing dark suspenders and a long-sleeved shirt Sam had rolled up at the wrists, he etched a flower garden into a beautiful raw piece of cherry.

  Annie wondered if this hope chest was for Rachel. Sam had already made one for her and Rebecca. Annie studied the intent expression on his face with keen interest. His gray beard had traces of white. Whenever Sam contemplated an issue, he ran his fingers through the long hair. She knew him like the back of her small, freckled hand. His weathered visage was lined with wrinkles; he always joked that his face was a map of his life, and that each line represented a significant blessing.