Annie's Recipe

by Lisa Jones Baker

  Rebecca finished the question. “Made his decision for him? No. It was up to him. But when I considered the big picture, William leaving the faith wasn’t even the worst of it.”

  “Really?”

  Rebecca shook her head. “The biggest problem I faced was what to do if he actually left.”

  “My goodness.”

  Rebecca blinked. “It was a lose-lose situation.” She shrugged her shoulders. “To stay Amish meant losing my true love. I couldn’t imagine being without William. On the other hand, to have a life with him meant giving up my faith.”

  Annie’s pulse danced to an uncertain tempo as she shook her head in disbelief. “Which did you pick?”

  Rebecca hesitated. A rebellious hair slid down her cheek, and she shoved the honey-brown strand back under her kapp. “I struggled with that heavy question most of my time at the Conrads. Every night I read scripture, hoping for a crystal-clear answer. And finally . . .” Rebecca took a deep breath. “I got my answer. That it was in God’s hands. Basically, that was what Old Sam had told me, too.”

  Annie’s mind flitted from thought to thought. She’d had no idea Rebecca’s marriage to her childhood sweetheart had endured such a storm.

  “Now that it’s over, it’s easier to see what really was going on. When you think about it, Annie, God’s plan for everyone is already decided. So no matter how much I worried, in the end God would make the decision that would affect William and me for the rest of our lives. And it would be His will.”

  Intrigued, Annie didn’t move. The only sound was the wind making the house creak.

  “I decided my heart would always be Amish, no matter which way I went. That meant I would leave the faith for William.”

  Annie’s heart nearly stopped. “Rebecca!”

  Rebecca put her finger to her lips. “Shh! You’re the only one who knows this. But I’m telling you because I believe it will make you realize you’re not alone. You’re certainly not the only Amish girl to be challenged.” She moved in her chair and sighed. “Sometimes love carries a high price. In my case, the cost was my faith. But the more I thought about it, being Amish is much more than wearing my hair pulled back under a kapp and following the rules, though many would disagree. It’s about more than my dress or not having air conditioning. In my heart, my faith would always be who I was.”

  She lowered her voice so it was barely audible. “Annie, I decided to stay with William.”

  The statement left Annie speechless. She swallowed. “Rebecca, I can’t believe what you went through. I would never have dreamed it. You seem so . . . perfect.”

  Rebecca grinned. “Trust me, I’m not. Oftentimes things aren’t what they appear on the surface. But God sent a miracle our way.”

  “What happened?”

  “Fortunately, I wasn’t the only one struggling with the situation. William was battling it, too. Maybe more. Apparently, wanting the luxuries of the English life was causing him huge guilt. And his mamma played a big role in what happened, I think.” Rebecca hesitated. “You remember that it was her unspoken wish that he be raised Amish?”

  Annie nodded.

  “That’s a tough thing to betray. And he loved his mamma. Just as I love mine. Not only that, but everything his aunt and uncle had taught him really stuck. He realized more than ever the huge sacrifice they’d made to raise him. His love and respect for them played a large role in his decision. Even though he was glad he’d had a major breakthrough with his relationship with his dad, at the same time he was obligated to reciprocate all his aunt and uncle had done for him. He couldn’t let them down. They deserved so much from him.”

  Annie smiled. “They’re good people.”

  Rebecca’s eyes widened. “The best. So . . . whatever William did wasn’t going to lead to a perfect ending. And when he eventually realized that, his decision became more evident. In the end, he chose what his heart told him to: the Amish faith.”

  “Thank God.” Annie paused, putting her finger against her chin. “I’m happy for you both.” She tried to conceal the slight skepticism she still felt. But curiosity got the best of her and she asked what was on her mind. “But what about the sports channel? The car?”

  Rebecca threw her head back and laughed. She sat back in her chair, her eyes lit up with happiness. “Every tough decision involved a sacrifice. And to William, staying in the faith was worth what he gave up. I guess that despite the temptations, his roots were too strong. And I thank God every night that he decided as he did.”

  Annie blew out a deep breath. “What a story! I’m really glad you shared it, Rebecca. Your trust in me means a lot.”

  A thoughtful silence ensued before Rebecca posed a question to Annie. “So what about you and Levi? Has he considered joining the faith?”

  Annie contemplated her question. Finally, she threw her hands in the air. “I don’t know. The shunning left him with a bad taste. I’m not sure he could ever return to the faith that booted his family out of town.”

  Rebecca held up a hand to stop her. “Hold on, Annie. Let’s go back to square one. His folks . . . they left of their own free will, right?”

  Annie nodded. “But what choice was there?”

  Rebecca pressed her lips together in deep concentration. She waved a hand in the air. “No one forced them to move. And from what I know, John Miller never asked for forgiveness. To me, it seems as if he was going to drive that truck no matter what.” Rebecca held up her hand. “Forgive me for sharing my opinion, but as an outsider with little knowledge, that’s how it looked.”

  Annie shrugged. “I suppose.”

  “Our rules are pretty well defined and he knew them.”

  “Maybe. But still . . . I’d like to give him the benefit of the doubt. Even if it was his fault, what happened was so cruel. No matter what you did, Rebecca, I don’t know if I could ever see you on the street and not wave.”

  Rebecca nodded. “I know. The punishment does seem harsh. Thank goodness there aren’t many shunnings. I can’t rewrite the Ordnung. It is what it is. Maybe it’s not perfect, but neither is life.” She looked down at the bunch of flowers she’d been arranging as she spoke. “But, Annie, this isn’t really about the shunning. Or John Miller. The most important question has to do with you and Levi.”

  She cleared her throat. “If I’ve learned anything about relationships, it’s that they’re nothing without communication. I’ve told what we went through. But from the get-go, I was straightforward with William. It’s not easy opening your heart, but if I hadn’t?” She closed her eyes and breathed in. “I wouldn’t be with my true love. It works both ways. William was honest with me. I know confessing his longing to be English wasn’t easy, but I’m so glad it came out when it did. The longer you hold in your thoughts, the more difficult it is to fix whatever problem is lingering. Annie, what about your lines of communication with John Miller’s son? Where are you?”

  While Annie considered an answer, Rebecca placed a dried rose into the arrangement. After a brief silence, Rebecca focused on Annie again. “Surely he knows how you feel about him?”

  Annie swallowed the knot in her throat and nodded. “He mentioned getting married, but he won’t be Amish. We can’t be together because of what happened with his dad. It’s our differences in faith.”

  “Annie, you’re giving up your dream before you even give it a chance. Are you sure you can’t be together?”

  Was she positive? Rebecca had a point; Annie hadn’t actually discussed the subject with Levi in depth. But did she need to? She had merely assumed being with him was impossible. Was it true that she was giving up a relationship before trying to make it work?

  Finally, her answer came. “Rebecca, it can’t work. My heart tells me so.”

  Rebecca gave an uncertain roll of her eyes. “Annie, does Levi love you?”

  For some reason, the question caught Annie off guard; she wasn’t sure how to respond. Her breath caught in her throat as she decided on a straightforward answer
. But did she know the answer?

  “Jah.” Annie’s heart suddenly pumped to a more hopeful beat. But she didn’t want to believe in something she wanted more than anything in the world and not have it.

  “I don’t know what to do, Rebecca. Since he left, I’ve felt like part of me is missing. I knew losing him would be hard, but I had prepared myself for that. But what I didn’t expect was how devastated I would be. It’s hard to wake up in the morning knowing I’m without him. Not even Mamma’s cream of celery soup tastes right anymore.”

  Rebecca tapped her fingers against the table. Her expression was unreadable.

  “In my heart, I know there’s no use pursuing a man who isn’t of the faith. I’m sure you won’t disagree.”

  Rebecca pressed her lips together.

  “It’s just so hard because we grew up together. If I’d never known him, things would be different. I wish his father hadn’t been shunned.”

  “But that doesn’t change reality. Most of what we face in life is out of our control, unfortunately. That’s why faith is so important. Without it, how would we make it through life? I believe our strength and self-respect are determined by how we deal with such situations.”

  Annie raised a thoughtful brow.

  “God doesn’t always make things easy, Annie. Nobody knows that better than me.”

  Annie lowered her chin and nodded.

  “But just look at William and me. It goes to show that there are happy endings. And a big part of that is making them happen. I hope you’ll think about my story and realize anything’s possible with God. But sometimes we have to figure out what He wants us to do. Prayer is the answer, Annie. That’s how I finally came to peace with my situation with William.”

  Annie glanced at the dried arrangement Rebecca had put together during their conversation. With a gentle finger, she touched one of the deep blue buds and took in the beauty of every stem and flower.

  She looked up and locked gazes with the creative woman. “That’s absolutely gorgeous!”

  Rebecca beamed. “Thank you! It’s too bad we Amish aren’t more in to this type of thing, but at least I get to make these wonderful bouquets and sell them to folks who will enjoy them as much as I do.”

  Annie stood, and Rebecca did the same. As they walked to the entryway of the house, Annie wrapped her arms around her new best friend. “Rebecca, thank you for talking with me and sharing your story. It gives me hope that God will somehow let me spend my life with Levi.”

  “The first thing you need to do—besides pray of course—is to figure out whether you truly want to spend the rest of your life with him. For sure. If you decide you do, the next step is to tell him how you feel. Bare your soul to him.” Rebecca gave a casual roll of her shoulders. “Otherwise your dream can’t come true.”

  Annie smiled a little.

  As if suddenly realizing something, Rebecca raised her chin and placed her finger under Annie’s chin in a sisterly way. “Think of all the different pieces in the arrangement I just made. Each unique stem and flower could be compared to your feelings for Levi.”

  Annie frowned. “I don’t understand.”

  “Look at it this way: Everything you and Levi have gone through, including when he left town the first time and the last . . . plus all the times you’ve spent together . . . in away, they’re just like my arrangement. Right now, it’s probably difficult for you to imagine that all those parts of your life with Levi might eventually come together to create a perfect ending, like the flowers in this beautiful piece. But for it to look the way it does, I had to position each individual plant the right way. If I hadn’t actually taken these flowers and worked them, the piece wouldn’t have happened. You’ve got to play a role in your future, Annie. If you want something, make it happen.”

  Annie gave a slow nod. “I get it.”

  “With God, anything’s possible. We might not see it because we’re human. But He has something in store for each and every one of us. And there’s no way to even guess what the end result of His plan is. Before we get to our final destination, there will be ups and downs.”

  “Of course,” Annie said with a smile. “Life isn’t perfect.”

  “Exactly. Along the path God created for us, there will be bumps in the road. We’ve got to learn to get over them without being hurt. And in the end, I believe He has nothing but blessings awaiting us.”

  “I hope God will let me be with Levi forever.”

  “Pray about it, Annie. And I’ll keep you and Levi in my prayers. I can see you truly love him. Just think of my story about almost losing William. It was a rocky road, and we nearly didn’t make it to the toogood-to-be-true ending. But God worked His magic. And I’m sure He has a plan for you to be with Levi.”

  “But you’re forgetting . . . Levi’s English.” As Annie considered what was against her, reality hit her like a splash of cold water in the face. She should never have opened up about her feelings for Levi. For several blissful moments, listening to Rebecca, Annie had actually believed her dream of marrying Levi might come true.

  When she returned her attention to Rebecca, Annie took in the amused expression on her face. She clasped Annie’s hands in hers. Immediately, reassuring warmth traveled up Annie’s arms and landed in her shoulders. It was as if Rebecca had transferred her assurance to Annie. “Thank you, Rebecca,” she said. “You’ve given me a lot to think about.”

  Chapter Twelve

  From inside the open three-car garage, Levi waved to the mailman as he drove away. The friendly gesture was returned before the carrier slipped around the corner. Above, the sun shone its brightest. Levi squinted and stepped into the light.

  The cold November temperature made the hairs on his forearms stand upright. His cotton long-sleeved shirt was rolled up past the wrists; he had been sketching his dream house on the kitchen table.

  He stepped back into the house, breathing in delight at the warm contrast to outside. As he dropped the letters on the table, they separated. He glimpsed his name on one envelope and immediately pulled it from the scattered pile. His heart nearly stopped when he saw Annie’s name and address on the upper left-hand corner.

  Quick steps took him to his room. With one motion, he closed his door and sat down at his desk in front of the window overlooking the large backyard. Without wasting time, he pulled out the note, his heart picking up to the speed of a runner at the finish line of a race.

  Dear Levi,

  I hope you’re well. As I write this, I’m remembering our last day together at Pebble Creek. Since then, I’ve not been able to forget you and our love for each other. I ache when I think of the man I gave up for my faith. My heart broke when I said good-bye. It will never be repaired. But even so, I can surely share this sentiment with you. I feel that this will be a sort of a cleansing.

  Levi tried to swallow the knot in his throat, touching the note to his chest as he closed his eyes and drew a deep, anxious breath. Commanding his pulse to slow, he opened his eyes and continued reading.

  I know I’m living up to my reputation as an Amish girl, but I share this with you because I’m opening my soul to you as never before. By giving you this journal page, you will have a part of me to keep with you forever.

  He reread that last line before continuing.

  It was difficult deciding whether to send this entry. At first I planned to keep it in my hope chest. After much thought, I realized how deeply I love you, and that if I didn’t tell you how I felt the day we said good-bye, you would never know. And I want you to. Levi, I might never experience true love again. It seems a shame not to share something so rare and precious with the very person who is the root of this strong feeling. I would have told you more at Pebble Creek, but when you said you loved me, I was so happy yet so devastated that we couldn’t be together, I was at a loss for words. Know that while you read this and my journal, I am thinking of you and keeping a special place for your love in my heart. By giving you this reflection of my love, I offer
you a piece of my soul. Forever, Annie

  As Levi put what he’d already read beneath the second page, a tear slipped down his cheek. His jaw dropped in surprise as he reread what she’d written. Afterward, he sat on the edge of his bed and drew in a deep breath. As he bent to focus on the potent words, his tears wouldn’t stop.

  He thought of his recent conversation with his dad. He reread Annie’s words until he knew them by heart. The imprint of the four-leaf clover was barely visible, as if it were a ghost. But the message was real. Like Annie’s feelings for him. And his for her.

  * * *

  In late November, Levi’s mind continued to be focused on Annie’s letter. And the fire. And everything else that had followed. He eyed the stones to be set above the fireplace. After the job was finished, a newly married couple would move in.

  A voice interrupted his thoughts. “Son . . .”

  Levi glanced at his dad. For long moments, their eyes locked. Levi wasn’t sure if it was his imagination, but since he’d come home, his folks had seemed more emotional than usual. His mother had asked for his request for supper every day. His dad had even told him he loved him.

  “Yeah, Dad?”

  His father stepped forward to pat him on the shoulder. “I want you to know I’ve been thinking a lot lately.” He paused to sniff and run the back of his hand over his nose. Levi was quick to detect the shiny moisture in his eyes. “I’m proud of you, son.” He nodded his head. “I want you to know that.” He gave a sudden shake of his head. “I can’t get what happened out of my mind. What you did to save little Jake . . . well, there’s only one word for it: brave.”