We Were Forever

by Brandi Aga

  “I’ve gotta leave for a bit. I need to get some things squared away from…before.”

  Confusion paints her pretty face, but she doesn’t ask questions like I know she wants to. Instead, she sits up and pulls the blanket up to cover herself. “I don’t want to keep repeating myself like a nag, but just remember where you are now. I’d hate to see you go back.”

  “I know. I’ve got this, V.” I throw her one of my t-shirts to put on, kiss her on the cheek, and head downstairs to the bathroom to spare her some pride if she has any left after the way I keep blatantly rejecting her. And really, I just want her to leave without any further interrogation.

  “I’m gonna head out,” she calls through the bathroom door. I don’t bother opening it. “Be careful, okay? I’ll call you later.”

  “Thanks, Veronica. Don’t worry about me so much. It’s all good.” She stands there on the other side of the door for a minute before she walks away, not believing a word I say. I know, because I don’t believe me either.

  I drive straight through the night, only stopping to piss and fuel up. I’m dehydrated and starving but I can remedy that later. I know the risks I’m taking doing this. Not just with her, but with my entire life. I didn’t have the time or honestly the fucks to give, to wait for court approval to leave the state. They would have just said no. Who knows, maybe they wouldn’t, but I wasn’t going to take that chance. Not yet, it’s too soon.

  Twenty-four hours later, nostalgia rears her ugly head when my truck turns into the apartment Blaze told me to meet him at. Leylah’s old place. The one she lived in when I left her alone and pregnant with our daughter with nobody but her best friend and her husband who was apparently a lot smarter than me because he got the girl in the end. How fucked up is that?

  I can still see the pain on her face when she opened the door and here I sit in almost this exact spot. It was one of the last times I saw her.

  “Fuck!” I bang my fists on the steering wheel because I’m an idiot. I don’t deserve to be here. Blaze is in there and it should be me instead. He wouldn’t even be here if I hadn’t ruined everything for everyone. Well, I guess I’m the only one that’s been ruined. Everyone else is going on without me.

  I don’t know where these shitty ass dark thoughts keep coming from. Since when do I care what everyone else does and thinks? I need to knock it off. I rub my hands down my face to clear the air and dismiss the funk that’s slowly taking over.

  Is Leylah here? I hadn’t thought of that. I’d been so busy on the drive over thinking of everything I could have done or said differently, I didn’t think about what would happen when I actually got here. Probably because I’m being a pussy and I’m scared that she won’t even want to see me. She didn’t while I was inside. It’s been a long time. Why would she want a fucked-up loser now? That husband of hers has long since won her over and there’s no room for me after all this time.

  My thoughts are cut short, thankfully, when Blaze walks out of the apartment with the biggest shit-eating grin on his face I’ve ever seen. He all but runs to the truck and picks my big ass up off the ground. I’m telling you; I’m not even close to kidding when I say my boots left the concrete. He squeezes me in a bear hug and it’s the best emotion I’ve felt since getting out.

  “What the fuck, man? You couldn’t have called?” His currently puzzled features are darker than they used to be. There’s something more sinister about him if that were even possible. He’s not a bad guy in my book, he’s just seen some shit. A lot of it at my hands. Then again, my book is a lot different than that of your average blue-collar working man, and he knows that. Knew that from the start.

  At what cost is it enough to be happy and get out of this dirty life we have lived? To have a wife and kids, and raise them right, together. Here I go again, getting in touch with my feelings. All over B’s hardened looks. I can’t help but wonder is that what I look like to him? Like someone else that’s lived a hundred different lives in only a short amount of time?

  I nod. “I know, I know. We need to talk.”

  “Let’s go inside. Just me here right now. Erin’s running but she’ll be back soon.”

  I’m frustrated yet relieved that Leylah’s not here. It should have been obvious she’d never live here in this small grungy apartment anymore, not with him and my daughter. And definitely not with B. I’d have loved to see the look on Leylah’s face when she found out about the two of them.

  The fact that I know for sure she’s no longer living here gives me some more time to figure out a plan. Get my shit set straight. “You and Erin are a thing now, yeah?”

  He wiggles his eyebrows in response and we laugh but I can sense the tension that wasn’t there before. “A lot of shit’s happened, brother.” That’s the understatement of the year. He sighs and I hear the top of his beer bottle being knocked off, followed by the clink of it spinning as it hits the floor. “You want a beer?” he calls out.

  “Yeah, whatever you’ve got is good.” I stand just inside the entrance and slowly make my way toward the kitchen where he is, distracted, cautious. It’s completely different than it was back then. All new furniture, paint. It looks like a whole new place. But my girl is the main thing that’s missing.

  “Sit.” He hands me a beer and points toward the couch. “You look like shit. Jacked but shitty. What you up to now?” He nods toward my arms and I can’t help but smirk. Always a competition with this one.

  “Bout’ two eighty. Ain’t nothing like a good jail gym regimen,” I joke, but really I’m trying to deflect the conversation from me and more toward what I really want to know. “I had a long night. Just drove straight through.”

  He must pick up on it, because his tone changes and he doesn’t give me any more shit. “What’s going on? Why are you here? How, I mean?”

  I scratch my face and think about this. How this is going to go. It could go several different ways and I don’t particularly like any of them. I down the rest of my beer and get another before we dive deep into this, whatever this is. I could ask him why he never bothered to come see me. Or answer any of my calls. Or why the hell he’s here with Leylah’s best friend and not at home handling shit like he said he always would. But then again, that’s on me for being too trusting. One thing at a time.

  “What are you doing here?” I hold my arms out and motion toward the apartment. This fucking city. This fucking state.

  He sets his beer down on the glass coffee table between us and rests his elbows on his knees. “I couldn’t stay there, man. It just wasn’t working out. California, it’s not been good to me, bro.”

  I know it’s selfish of me to have expected him to stay in California and run the shop for me forever. Cause that was my plan. I was going to be gone forever. But now I’m here and once again, things changed without me. I’m having trouble grasping that. Seeing him here, looking like this, I’m not so sure Texas has been kind to him, either. Sometimes it’s not the place at all, but the person in the place. That’s what I’m seeing sitting before me. He’s got a world of problems that this life won’t fix. But he’s not my problem. She is.

  “And her?” I ask quietly.

  “Leylah?”

  I stare him down, a face of stone, waiting for his answer. He hesitates and it tells me everything I need to know. His hesitation is a crystal-clear answer that I’m too late. That she’s not mine.

  “She’s with him, man. What was I supposed to do? It’s her fucking husband.” His lip curls in disgust and I’m taken aback by the passion in his attitude. His anger for this man that we don’t even know. He’s always been hotheaded. This just proves how bad it’s gotten.

  “He was her fucking husband then, too, and you know that,” I throw back at him for giving me his bullshit excuse.

  “You want me to go over there and put a bullet in his head? Huh? Is that what you want from me?” He’s on his feet and in my face when the front door opens and in walks Erin in her workout gear. She stops short, surprise
d to see me standing in her living room. I fall to my knees when her leashed companion sees me and runs by my side.

  “Hey, Woodzy. You miss me, boy?” He whines as I talk and rough him up on his face like he likes. I’m trying not to look like a pussy in front of these two over a dog. But he’s not just any dog. He’s special and always has been. I gather some composure when he settles down and stand up to greet Erin.

  “Hey,” she says, shyly. I know she’s unsure of what she just walked in on and really, so am I. She’s still pissed at me for what I’ve done to her friend, I’m sure. She has every right to be. I just fucking hate that she had to choose this moment of all times to come home. Things were just getting heated and that’s always when the truth comes out. We’ll have to wrap this conversation up later, but soon.

  “Hey,” I say back, thankful that Woodzy is here for a slight distraction. I look away from her and rub his belly, giving him all my attention.

  “I’m going to go wash up. Sweaty and gross.” She motions toward her clothes and kisses Blaze and disappears to the bathroom. I know she’s just leaving the room for us to finish what she thinks she might have interrupted, but I’m still not risking talking about Leylah at all with her around to hear. Erin might have a sense of loyalty to B, being with him and all, but I know her bond with Leylah is strong and I know she’d go running with anything I gave her. So, I’ll make sure I give her nothing.

  “We can finish this later.” Blaze takes a final swig of his beer and points to me with his index finger. “You can rest up in the spare bedroom if you want.”

  “Where is she?” I ask him quietly so I know Erin can’t hear. It’s the one thing I have to know right now. I can’t help it. I’ll be the first to admit, I’m a weak man when it comes to her.

  He sighs, already fed up with my desperate one-sided love bullshit. I hate to break it to him, but it’s only just beginning. “She moved back in with Ryan. Over in Frisco in some fancy new suburb. Take you there later, if you want.”

  “Thank you.”

  The bathroom door is open and the light off. Erin must have slipped into her bedroom when I wasn’t looking. It’s fine, let her report back to her whatever she wants. It’s only a matter of time until I’m able to get my hands on her myself, anyway.

  “We’ll talk more later. You gonna hang?” He nods toward the spare bedroom. I look down the hallway where he’s suggesting and realize that it’s Leylah’s old room. I tell him we’ll figure the rest of this shit out later when we’re truly alone. Or I’ll do it myself, without him. The choice is his. Either way, it’s happening and I’m fine with being a one-man show.

  “Come on, boy.” I don’t have to speak twice and he’s hot on my heels. I shut the door behind me, and he hops up on the black wrought iron daybed and curls up waiting for me to join him. I look around the space at all the changes that have been made since I was in here last. There’s no trace that Leylah and I were once in here, tangled up in nothing but our sheets. Leylah moved all her shit out and Erin threw some furniture in here to replace what she took. All her pictures are gone. All the girly shit. And the bed. The bed that I sat on while she begged me not to go but I did anyway. All of it, gone as if it never happened.

  I lay down next to Woodzy and stare up at the ceiling much like I’ve grown accustomed to doing in my tiny little cell. I’m on the outside now. No longer caged. But why does it feel like my insides are chained and shaking to get free, and the key is right there, dangling right in front of me just out of reach? I thought I’d be better out here. Nope, that’s not true either. I never thought I’d be back out here again. It’s nothing new to me, that I have to work for everything that I want. I’ve never been handed anything, never took the easy way out. So, why would I start now?

  I scratch the top of Woodzy’s head until we both eventually fall asleep.

  We’ve been in Oklahoma for the past week, traveling for Ryan’s work seminar he signed up to attend. He’s required to do a certain number of important meetings a year now, but he doesn’t have to go away near as often anymore, and not near as far. Only once in a blue moon is an overnight stay required, and Maddy and I almost always get to go too. We make a mini vacation out of it. Overseas and month-long cross-country trips just weren’t working, obviously. This, so far, seems to be going okay. One of our many marriage compromises.

  Ryan had to work Monday through Friday, then we spent the weekend hanging out here before we have to head back home to Texas. Tonight’s our last night here, and I’m sad to go. We rented a cabin about an hour away from Oklahoma City and the scenery is beautiful. It’s the kind of place you can go and just do nothing and enjoy every minute of it. No technology needed. No fancy restaurants. The fancy cabin though, that is what I’m here for.

  “I just put Maddy down,” I say through my glass of wine. “Oh, that’s smooth.” I swirl the red around in my glass and watch it swirl.

  “Are you wine drunk?”

  “Maybe a little. It’s been a while since I’ve had this much.”

  “You should join me.”

  Ryan stands up inside of the hot tub and leans against the edge of it. I can see the V of his hips out of the water and immediately know he’s not wearing any bottoms. I set the baby monitor down and refill my glass. I take my top off and shimmy out of my shorts. “I don’t have my suit on, either.” I look at him pointedly to let him know I know what’s going down inside that hot tub in about two point five seconds.

  “You don’t need it.”

  I slide my panties down my legs slowly, playfully putting on a show. I’m trying to be sexy, but I probably look like a bull in a china shop. It’s whatever, though, more wine please.

  Ryan obviously likes what I’m throwing down, because as soon as my panties hit the floor he groans. A literal, full-blown man growl. He holds his hand out to help me up the stairs and into the water. I gasp because the water’s so hot. Between that, the alcohol, and Ryan’s banging bod, I’m a sweaty mess.

  “You look amazing.”

  “No, you do.” I suddenly feel shy under his lustful stare. All these years together and I still feel the need to impress him. I want to be something he likes to look at and besides, we all have our own insecurities. He’s good at kissing all of those away. Like now.

  “Ryan…” He takes my wineglass out of my hand and sets it on the edge of the hot tub.

  “I want…” He kisses my lips gently. “To kiss…” And then the dip between my boobs. Followed by my skin that peeks just above the water. “All of you.” And then his head goes underwater and I think he’s just going under to come right back up, but then I feel his mouth on me, there, and the fact that we’re outside on the porch in the middle of the woods in a hot tub, makes it that much hotter. I’ve never been kissed underwater before, on any part of my body. I lean back on the side of the tub and let my legs float in the water, with Ryan holding my weight up. It’s a sensation that I’ve never felt and love and want more of all at once.

  He comes back up for air all too soon, but I swear to God, I’ve never loved him more. And no, not just because of that thing he does with his tongue. Although, it is the icing on the cake. Water drips off his face and he shakes his head like a dog after a bath. I let out a squeal at the sudden wetness everywhere.

  “I can’t believe you just did that.”

  “What? Kissed my girl?” My cheeks heat a thousand degrees and I bite my lip, too shy to say anything back. I’ve never been good at this, talking about sex. I just want to do it. Whatever you want to do to me, just do it, and tell me what to do in return and I’m down. Ryan knows this about me, always has. I think he just likes to see me squirm. “Let’s go to bed.” He wiggles his eyebrows and I know by bed he doesn’t mean sleep. I missed this Ryan. This flirty, vivacious, carefree version of himself. When the adventurous Ryan comes out to play, I fall in love with him all over again. Knowing that he’s still in there, that playful part of him, makes it all worth it a million times over.

&n
bsp; He helps me out of the hot tub, the wine having made its way into my bloodstream ten times over by now. I’m a little more than unsteady on my feet. My wet feet slip and slide on the tile floor, and I giggle all the way down the hall at our attempts to be quiet when we’re clearly being anything but.

  He picks me up like he’s carrying me over the threshold on our wedding night, and throws me down on the bed, wet and all. Our sheets are ruined but it’s okay. We spend the next three hours not going to bed.

  As much as we hate to leave and go home back to reality, all good things must come to an end. But it’s fine because we’ll go somewhere else next time, and soon. Plus, I missed the comfort of my own bed. I’m picky about my sleep and I’m cranky without it. It’s like me being hangry on crack. Not pretty for all parties involved.

  “I’ll take her in.” Ryan takes Maddy from my arms so I can carry the rest of my bags. She fell asleep as soon as the tires starting rolling. If it’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s not to wake a sleeping baby. But now that she’s getting bigger, she’s heavy and my arms are jelly. It makes naptime more difficult when you’re always on the move.

  “Thanks, Ry.” He takes her in through the garage, still sound asleep even through the arm transfer, and leaves the door ajar so I can make it in easier.

  I throw my last bag’s strap over my shoulder when I hear it. An obnoxiously loud engine. I can practically feel the pipes vibrating beneath my thighs. I close my eyes and shoot up a silent prayer. Fuck. I’d know that sound anywhere. I do a quick assessment: Ryan took Maddy inside. He’s going to put her in her crib and then he’ll be right back out to help me, depending on how easy she goes down. If she doesn’t wake up, he’ll be back any minute. With my luck, he’ll be back out here before I can shut this down.