We Were Forever

by Brandi Aga

  The engine cuts off abruptly, and I know he’s pulled into the driveway right behind me. I’m scared to turn around. I’m scared to see his face again. Especially after I freaked out on him in the grocery store. I don’t look until he gets off his bike and the sound of heavy boots clomping up the concrete stops behind me.

  Much to my dismay, I grit my teeth and turn around to face the music. I wrap my arms around my middle to protect myself. From what? I don’t know. It sounds stupid, but my instincts just take over all my bodily functions every time he’s around me.

  “Oh, you have a different bike.” I take note that this isn’t the same bike we had sex on in the middle of nowhere, on the side of the road, and my cheeks turn fifty shades of red.

  He glances back at it and turns back to me with a smirk on his face. “Surprised you could tell the difference, but it’s Blaze’s actually.”

  “Cute. I guess you didn’t get the memo the other day when we ran into each other like this. What are you doing here?”

  “I came to see you.” He takes a step forward. Just one.

  “Stop,” I blurt out a little more forcefully than I intended. But still, it’s like I have no control over my limbs or my mouth. Luckily for me, my inner bitch seems to know exactly what she’s doing. I’m glad one of us does, because I’m not sure of anything at this point.

  He stops immediately when I tell him to and shoves his hands in his pockets. I follow his eyes to the open door inside the garage. “Yes, they are in there. Please just go.” I can barely get the words out. My tongue is dry and I almost dry heave. My voice doesn’t even sound like mine to my own ears.

  The garage door that leads into the house bangs against the wall behind me as Ryan bursts through it, and it’s like my worst nightmare is happening right before my eyes. “What’s going on?” He stands by the truck slightly behind me, appearing calm on the outside, but I know he’s anything but that. I’m going to feel the wrath of it as soon as he leaves our driveway, I just know it.

  “I don’t know…” I tell the truth. But it still feels dirty that he’s standing here in our home. It feels like a part of Ryan and I is being violated against our will. I don’t have the guts to look either one of them in the eye. I just want to shrink away and pretend this never happened.

  The awkward silence is deafening as Roman walks backward toward his bike and doesn’t break eye contact until he sits and starts the engine. I keep diverting my eyes, but every time I look back, he’s still holding my stare. He finally goes to leave, and I don’t even bother with the rest of my shit in the truck. Screw him and this whole damn day.

  I bolt past Ryan with tears in my eyes, for which reason, I’m not exactly sure. Seeing Roman again? Ryan being a witness? I don’t know. I slam the door shut behind me and don’t even know where I’m going. I aimlessly pace toward the kitchen and stand at the island. I wish I would have barricaded myself in the bathroom before he could face me when I hear him walk through the door.

  “Leylah!” The door slams for the third time. That poor door is taking a beating today. It’s a wonder Maddilyn is still sleeping through all the ruckus. Ryan is after me just as quick as I marched in here. I’m assuming he waited till Roman left because I don’t hear the bike anymore. “Leylah. Where are you?” He stops when he sees me and stands there in a heavy faceoff. The aura around us reeks of anger. “Start talking.”

  “I don’t know! I don’t know what he was doing here or what he wanted. I know just as much as you.”

  He doesn’t beat around the bush or give me any chance to come up with excuses. Not that I am or have anything to be so freaked out about in the first place, but he’s as serious as I’ve ever seen him throughout our entire marriage. I’m sure I’d look guilty to me too, if I were him. “Are you seeing him again?”

  “What? No!” I put my hands in my hair and squat down on the floor because this can’t be happening. I cry because I’m angry and I’m angry because I’m crying. This is exactly what he wanted. It’s why he came here. He knew Ryan would be here. He knew he’d make me look guilty. He knows I’m vulnerable when it comes to him with our history and what it would look like. How could he do that to me after he just ripped what was left of my heart out and left me?

  “Leylah. Look at me right now.” I stand up and face him, shame written all over me, no doubt. I don’t know why, because I haven’t done anything wrong. I keep telling myself that, but it doesn’t seem to be ringing true. Or maybe this is my lifelong punishment, along with every other bad thing that keeps happening to me since I fucked up. I messed up so many people’s lives and one punishment wasn’t enough. They’re just going to keep coming and coming. “Listen to me. I trust you, okay?” He grabs my hands out of my hair and pulls me in to him.

  “I swear to you; I didn’t know he was coming here. I haven’t talked to him.” I don’t mention the fact that I saw him in the grocery store and the fact that I’m a piece of shit, but that just makes me cry even harder.

  “Okay, stop crying.” He pets my hair and consoles me while I cry out my frustration. I pull it together enough to blow my nose and wipe all the shit off my face. Ryan grabs his keys and heads toward the front door.

  “Where are you going?” I ask in between sniffles.

  “Don’t worry about it. Go to bed,” he calls out and slams the door behind him one last time.

  Blaze willingly gave me Leylah’s new address. He volunteered to go but I did this one solo. It’s probably for the best, especially since B and I still haven’t concluded our heated conversation from the other night. Until now, at least. He’s different when Erin’s around. I’ve never seen him like this before, around any female. I’m not so sure that it’s a good thing, either. Luckily for me, she works every day so there’s not so much tension put on me right now with her gone.

  I keep dodging Veronica’s calls, and I know she’s been by the shop. She keeps asking where I am, but I can’t tell her right now exactly, so I’ve just ignored her all together. It’s a risky gamble to piss her off but right now I’m up against much bigger things. I’m only here for another day or two before I head back to the coast, and I’ve accomplished nothing.

  I went to see her today and it went exactly like I expected it would. Especially when I saw the fancy house she’s living in with him. He’s got her high up on a pedestal right now after losing her. Which is exactly what I should have done before I even lost her. That douchebag let her go long before I did. Completely checked out. Didn’t even want to fuck his own wife. If she loved him, she never would have found me. Bet me on that.

  “What the fuck is that?”

  I’m reporting to Blaze my lame ass attempts at seeing her today and what an epic failure it was, when the motherfucker himself pulls up and parks next to Blaze’s bike. Yeah, the one I rode over to their place on. A part of me wanted to unnerve her. I wanted her to hear me coming. From the look on his face, I’d say mission accomplished.

  He gets out of his truck and doesn’t even bother shutting the door. B and I are chilling out on the balcony, so we already have front row seats to this shitshow about to go down. Fuck, I guess I’m about to get arrested. If he puts his hands on me, I’m done.

  He’s angry, no doubt, but so am I. I’ve had dreams about this exact moment happening for over a year. I never thought it would actually present itself to me on a silver platter. The difference is thinking on it and acting on it and I have about two point five seconds to make that decision.

  “What are you doing? What’s it going to take for you to leave my wife alone?”

  “Probably the same thing it’s going to take for me to get your ass out of my yard.” I can’t help but let a small smile slip at Blaze taking Ryan head on. It’s my battle but he’s willing to fight it with me. I see glimpses of the old Blaze still in there and I have to keep reminding myself things have changed. Clearly, it’s less difficult at times than others like now, because my daughter’s mom’s husband is trying to fight me at my boy’s h
ouse. This is definitely not the point where I was at in life a year ago.

  “Nothing but trash, both of you. Where have you been all this time, huh? Living the good life, getting three free meals a day? You want to see that little girl? Get a lawyer before I put you back where you never should have come from.” I can’t help but wonder if his threat refers to prison or hell. I’ve been to one and I’m most definitely going to the other. Bring it on.

  Blaze bolts out of the balcony and back inside. He comes back out through the sliding glass door of his bedroom and aims a nine-millimeter at Ryan’s chest.

  “What the fuck, man?” In all my years of knowing B, he’s never pulled a stunt this big. Not in the daytime with witnesses on all sides. He looks to me and I see the red lines in his eyes, and the way he flips the fuck out over the smallest things. All it takes is one small thing to set him off, and he’s off his fucking rocker.

  Ryan shuts his face and stares back at B, not faltering. He’s got big balls. I’ll give him that. B is hotheaded and would literally pull the trigger if I wasn’t standing here to talk him out of it. To stare down that very barrel of such an unstable person is ballsy. I nudge Blaze’s arm out of the way, and he lowers it all together. “Sick of this motherfucker. Don’t come to my own fucking house and shit talk me.”

  “I’ll get that lawyer, bro.” I laugh in Ryan’s face at his dumbass comment. He just made a big mistake. If he only knew who I had in my back pocket, he never would have opened his fat ass mouth.

  He walks away, never turning his back. Much like I did at their house earlier today. As soon as he drives away, I turn back to Blaze and he shuts me up before I even start.

  “Don’t fucking do it.”

  “Do what?”

  “I don’t want to hear it. A lecture or speech or whatever smart shit you think you have to say.” He mindlessly waves his hand with the loaded gun around as he talks.

  “Okay.” It’s that moment that I can’t deny the fact that he’s on something heavy. I can’t help but wonder if my money played a part in that. Part of me already knows that answer and I can’t ask it out loud.

  I reach for my phone out of my back pants pocket when he’s finally cooled off enough to go back inside and dial V. “Hey, it’s me. We need to talk…”

  “I don’t know why I bother telling you to do anything when I know you aren’t going to listen.”

  As soon as I landed in California, I hit V up to give her the rundown of everything that’s been going on. She agreed to meet me at a pizza pub down the road from her office as soon as she could get out of there for the day. I figured if she could handle me being a former convict over something so serious, she could handle a little cherry and some whipped cream on top of that. I’ve got to be honest with her from this point forward. All of it. All the way back to the beginning of me and Leylah.

  “I’m sorry. I know I lied and went against everything you said. But I’d do it again, and probably will. It’s just who I am. Who I’ve always been.”

  “Listen, I’m not your mom. I know what I signed on for when I got in touch with you. You’ve never been an angel. I know that just as much as you. I just don’t want you to jeopardize this. I’m trying to look out for you is all and it’s turning out to be a full-time job, you dick.” She throws her napkin at me across the table, pizza sauce all over it.

  She’s an easy distraction for me. I figure it’s because she’s a familiar face and a piece of her is a small part of my history. I’m clinging on to every last little piece I’ve got right now. I’ve spent a lot of time dodging her when what I’m missing might be sitting right in front of me all along.

  She curls her pizza to the side as she eats it and it’s weird as fuck, but she looks good doing it. And who knows, all this talk might just be the three pitchers full of beer that we drank with our dinner. The longer we sit here, the more beer I down without realizing how much I’ve had in such a short amount of time.

  Leylah’s done with me. Time was an asshole to the two of us, and I was an even bigger one.

  “When I saw her, she looked scared of me. Like I was some dirty secret that she couldn’t stand to look at. A lesser human. But you,” I slur the words, “you weren’t scared of me even when you saw me at my darkest.”

  “Okay, Romeo. You’re drunk.”

  “She fucking hurt me, V.” I plead with her more than I intend to, and I’ll probably regret it tomorrow. I’ve never had anyone to just be completely honest with, no strings attached. I don’t know if this is even that, it just feels like the right thing. To spill my guts to this undeserving woman that will listen to my outpouring pain.

  She reaches across the table and rubs my arm. “I know. It sounds like you hurt her, too. Love is a tricky, evil bitch.”

  “I did what I had to do, and I shouldn’t have fucking done any of it.”

  She shakes her head. “Life doesn’t work that way. Even if things were different and you never left, she still might have gone back to him. He was her husband, that’s big. I think she didn’t know what she wanted and got lost. You were simply just the wrong man, at the wrong time. Sometimes it really can be that simple.” She shrugs.

  “You’re a smart woman.”

  “Have to be to keep up with you.” She winks, and it makes me smile. “Let’s get you home before we have to call in for reinforcements to get you upstairs.”

  “V?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Thank you. For everything.”

  “You’re welcome. I’ll help you make sure you get to see your daughter. Don’t you worry.”

  “Time of death: 2100.”

  And the room goes quiet.

  This day just went to shit. It was going smooth until nighttime hit and all the crazies started pouring in. It must be a full moon tonight.

  After taking turns spending what felt like an eternity doing compressions on my patient, the doctor on call announces there’s nothing more that can be done and calls the time of death. I have to join the nursing team for a meeting at shift change and finish my paperwork before I can go home. Some days I don’t know why I do this job. It’s hard on the mind, body, and soul. Days like today when I have to look a mother and father in the eyes and tell them their son is no longer living brings me down a few notches and makes me appreciate the things I have. The things that matter. Maybe that’s why I do what I do. To appreciate. Sometimes, things are the way they are just to keep you in check. A message from the Big Man Upstairs.

  “Hey, babe! You done for the day?”

  “Yeah, I’m gone. Longest night ever.”

  “Say a prayer for me that today goes smooth.”

  “Good luck, you’re going to need it.” Amber from day shift is just coming in. I fill her in on my rounds and get her up to speed on the night we had. I walk the long trek to the parking garage and dig around for my keys in my bag. I always have them clipped to me, but I changed my top earlier in my shift and must have put them in my locker.

  I stop once I get out of the elevator and step out of the way of the closing doors. My car is only a row over, but I don’t want to have to walk all the way back in if I don’t have my keys. “Oh, there they are.” I’m so tired, I can’t think straight.

  I click my tongue to my teeth as soon as my feet march forward and I see what’s waiting for me. Blaze is leaning against my car. His hands in his pockets, his face unreadable. On second thought, I stop dead in my tracks. It’s not too late to go back inside. It scares me and he notices as I try to recover.

  “Good morning,” he smirks.

  “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.” Against better judgement, I don’t turn back. If I’m not going to keep looking over my shoulder for the rest of my life, I might as well stop now. I stop walking a few feet shy from him instead. I’m tired from this day, I want to go home, and I’m tired of their shit. The sun isn’t even all the way up yet and I’m still dealing with these idiot mistakes from my past. So over it.

  “Not kidding at
all, actually.”

  “Move. I just came off a really long night and I want to go home.” I ready my keys in my hand and try to get in my door but he’s in the way. He knew that already though, of course, that was his plan all along.

  “Why are you so stubborn?” he asks. “When will you learn?”

  “Please just move,” I sigh. “I’m not doing this.”

  “Oh, you are doing this.” He grabs me by the neck and slams my back into the side of my car. His face not even an inch from mine. He squeezes but not hard enough to block my airway. Not meant to hurt, just intimidate.

  “Fuck you,” I spit out.

  “You want to? Let’s go. I’m sure your husband wouldn’t mind sharing you again.” He makes a joke of unbuckling his jeans with one hand but doesn’t actually do it. He’s a bully. That’s all he’s good for, running his mouth and talking down to other people.

  “She’s too good for you.” My poor best friend. How could I have let her get involved in this? I shouldn’t test him, not right now being somewhat alone in this parking garage. But I can’t help it. He’s going to ruin her just like he’s done to himself. “California must be full of nothing but assholes, because you guys sure are a piece of work. You two belong together.”

  He laughs. “You don’t even know the half of it.”

  “No, you’re right. I don’t. You know why?” He lets go of my neck but pins his hands on either side of me against the car, caging me in. He waits for me to explain. “Because he wouldn’t tell me a damn thing. He shut me out when I was pregnant with his daughter and left me alone with not so much as a phone call. So, no, I don’t know anything.” He pushes off the car and paces around the empty parking space beside us. “I don’t want to know, either. Not anymore. Please, stop this. Just leave me and Erin alone. Before it’s too late.”

  “You’re fucked in the head if you think I’m leaving her.”

  “Cute. Real cute.” His behavior is disgusting. How Erin could see anything remotely redeeming in this guy is beyond me.