by Alisa Adams
13
Sarina wiped tears from her eyes as she ran from the hall. She felt like a fool for running out on her own wedding celebration, but she hadn’t known what else to do. She replayed that moment in her mind. Seamus had dragged her up without listening to her protests and she had been lost in the swirling dance, his wide smile the only thing she could see, and in his eyes was happiness, although he had had so much ale that the whites of his eyes were lined with red rivers.
For a moment, she had been happy too, letting the music fill her soul. The dancing had made her head light and although she hadn’t eaten or drunk as much as Seamus, her appetites had been filled, but then he’d spoken to her as though she were his previous wife. This marriage was going to be difficult enough as it was, it would be impossible to endure if there were three of them involved.
The castle’s hallways were endless and disappeared into dark shadows. Her fretful sobs echoed through the emptiness while the sounds of the festivities faded as she moved farther away from the hall. Never before had she felt so alone. It hadn’t been her idea to get married, but she had steeled herself against the day and when she made her vows, she actually imagined a life with Seamus. A life! She chastised herself for being so foolish as to think she could actually belong in these lands. She’d believed Seamus when he’d told her that he was a part of their family, but she knew the truth. She would never be able to be a Highlander or to stay here for the rest of her life. She was an English girl and she could never forget that.
In that moment, she resigned to do the deed Thomas had commanded her to do and she was determined to do it quickly. There was clearly no way for her to find happiness in these lands and the sooner she was done with them the better. The humiliation was something she just couldn’t stand and she ran back to her chambers, slumped on the bed, and began sobbing into the pillow. She had lost her family and clearly, she didn’t belong with her new husband. In Sarina’s mind, there was no hope for her in the future and she might as well do something noble with her life even if it meant killing Seamus. The fear and hopelessness swirled inside her creating a dangerous cocktail of emotion and it played havoc with her thoughts. It was as though she was teetering on a precipice and there was nobody standing with her to pull her back. She decided she may as well fall into the abyss and let the darkness claim her for she had been forsaken by everything else.
Sarina didn’t know how long she had been there before she heard heavy footsteps outside and then the door opened. She knew without looking that it was Seamus. She refused to turn around and looked at him. Her tears burned in her eyes and the blanket draped over her body didn’t prevent her from shivering. She was still wearing her beautiful wedding dress, although it had lost its shine, and her hair had broken free of its tresses.
Seamus moved closer toward the bed. Sarina clamped her eyes shut, pretending to be asleep. A few tears squeezed out between her eyelids and rolled down her cheeks. She assumed he was here to claim his right as a husband, but she would not be doing her wifely duty tonight. The thought of being intimate with him made her stomach turn.
When Seamus approached the bed, he kneeled on the floor and pressed a hand on her shoulder. She almost gasped at the feeling of his flesh upon hers. She had spent her life without knowing the intense sensations of skin upon skin, so when he touched her it was as though a raindrop fell on a dry and dusty desert.
“Ye are awake,” he said when he heard her exhalation and she cursed her body for betraying her. Knowing there was no sense in trying to continue the subterfuge, she rolled over and stared at him with her bleary, raw eyes. She sat up on the bed, pulling herself away from his hand, and looked down at him. This was an unusual vantage point for her as ordinarily, he towered above her, but here he was on his knees in supplication with a look of admonishment on his face. He did not have the same hazy look as he had when they danced and when he spoke his words were not slurred.
“I can only apologize for what happened,” he said. He looked down to the floor.
“I don’t know what you expect me to say. Do you understand how humiliated I feel? This was not an easy thing for me to do. You knew this and then you call me another woman’s name? You told me that I belong here, but clearly there is room for only one woman in your heart and that woman is not I,” she said, her words as sharp as a dagger. She rose from the bed and paced around the chamber. There was a great deal of energy and tension coiling within her that had nowhere to go.
“You men disgust me. You speak of honor and duty, but all you care about are your precious treaties. You don’t care about me, you only want me here because it guarantees that you will not be attacked by my family. I wish now that those bandits had captured me. Perhaps then I would at least be with people who wanted me,” she said forlornly. She had turned her back on Seamus and was now standing in front of the dressing table, her hands resting near the box with the dagger.
“Ye hae my deepest apologies, Sarina. I never meant tae make ye feel like this,” Seamus said. Sarina turned and saw that he was still kneeling, but he rose and stepped toward her tentatively. “I misspoke. I meant everything I said at the wedding. I hae tae much ale and, well, that is nae excuse really. Ye deserve better, I know that and I know that I hae broken my vows already. But I promise ye I will nae dae sae again. The past is the past and I know that I hae tae try tae live in the present with ye.”
“But how can I believe that Seamus? You can say this, but I know that she is still in your heart and how do you think that makes me feel? I know that I shall always be compared with her and always unfavorably at that for the advantage of being alive is not enough to overcome the sweet memories that make your love endure. She is a ghost, haunting us, haunting me, and really, I never stood a chance. Perhaps it is better if I take my leave of you now and return home. You and my brother can find another way to settle peace between our families, a way that does not involve me,” she said. The words tumbled out of her carried by an angry wind.
“Nay, Sarina, please, give me a chance tae explain.”
“There is nothing to explain, Seamus! You are still in love with Ciara and that is something that I cannot change. Until you move on from that you can never find love with anyone else. That is the truth of the matter and the sad fact is that I cannot even meet with this woman to see how I compare. I cannot compete with a ghost.”
“Ye dinnae hae tae,” Seamus said, closing the distance between them again. “I hae been thinking about this long and hard, Sarina, and I would nae have entered intae this union with ye if I dinnae believe in the vows. I am glad I saved ye. Ye are beautiful and wise. Ye are kind and ye will make a fine wife. But I cannae pretend the past dinnae happen. I cannae rip the thoughts from my mind and throw them tae the wind.” He stepped even closer and lowered the pitch of his voice. It became a deep rumble now as old and ancient as the Earth itself. “I will always honor ye, always be true tae ye, on that ye hae my word.”
Seamus reached out his hand and took hers. Sarina felt the same flush of heat that had trembled through her body while they had been taking their vows. She looked down at how her dainty hand was dwarfed by his powerful paw. Thick hairs ended at the top of his wrist, leaving the back of his palm bare. The fingers were gnarled and calloused from years of gripping swords and axes. His were made for warfare, the skin dark and leathery in contrast to her own dainty appearance. Her slender fingers were twigs compared to thick branches, her flesh soft and supple. They were made for tenderness, for love. His thumb began circling her palm and her heart fluttered. A breath of desire caught in her throat and she looked up at him, staring deep into his eyes. She didn’t want to believe him, but she did. She didn’t want to feel any kind of affection for him, but she did and it was more than just the mere fact that he was her husband.
“Tell me about her,” Sarina said.
Seamus blinked in surprise. “What dae ye mean?”
“Tell me about Ciara. I want to know about her, about how you met, what you t
wo did together, and about your wedding. That is the only way I am going to feel more comfortable. At the moment, I am fighting the unknown. This part of your life happened before peace was ever a consideration and as husband and wife, we are supposed to share everything. The only way we are to trust each other is if we have no secrets, so you should tell me about Ciara so that in a way I can know her as well. She is evidently important to you and that means she is important to me too,” Sarina said, filled with mixed emotions.
On the one hand, this all seemed futile because she was supposed to kill Seamus. Thomas believed this marriage to be a sham and from that perspective, this discussion was worthless as Sarina wasn’t supposed to be spending her life with Seamus. She had devoted herself to that plan during an emotional and humiliating moment when she was running through the castle. Now, with his tender and honest words circling her head, she wasn’t certain once again what she should do. And if she was going to make a convincing wife then she would have to play the part and that meant getting into discussions like this. Strong emotions were ruling her and she was already feeling anxious about being so alone in the Highlands. She wanted to exert some control over her own life and this seemed to be the immediate opportunity to go about doing that.
At first, she felt pangs of jealousy when speaking about Ciara, but as Seamus went on, she became more comfortable. He moved away from her and sat on the edge of the bed, his hands folded in between his legs and his gaze cast to the floor.
“If ye want me tae stop at any time, tell me,” he began and then launched into the tale of how he met the original love of his life. “We both grew up taegether. We played taegether, learned taegether, and were betrothed at a young age, nae that we understood what that meant. We were just friends, but as we grew older, we started tae change. Our lives took on different paths and different interests, but we always spent time taegether.” His words were hesitant as though this was a private thing that shouldn’t have been shared with anyone. Sarina had already intruded on the Highlanders and now she was intruding into this most personal part of his life. But still, Seamus continued and Sarina appreciated this.
“We grew up and as we did, we started tae get a better appreciation of each other and our parents told us that it was time tae be married. But I was young and brash and thought we had all the time in the world. All I wanted was tae fight, but she dinnae like the idea of me gaeing tae war. We hae our fights about that, and she said that I could gae tae war as long as we were married first because she dinnae want tae live with regrets. We were married and I came back from the war, realizing that there were more important things.”
“What was she like?” Sarina asked.
“She was warm, kind, always had a story for any occasion, and she loved me. I looked at her and I knew that I could trust her with anything. There was nae mystery between us at all. Our souls were bound taegather and we were a part of each other. I could look at her and know that I would never love anyone else. She made me happy and there’s nae much more I can say about that. When ye love someone, truly love someone, it’s this feeling like ye would dae anything just tae see them smile.”
“And how did she die?” Sarina asked. She couldn’t deny that it was difficult listening to him talk about another woman like this, but she found that she was learning less about Ciara and more about Seamus like the way he spoke about her and the way his body shifted when he mentioned her name. His voice grew lighter when he reminisced about their childhood and his back was straight until she mentioned Ciara’s death then his head hung again and his voice grew heavy. It was evident that he was a passionate man with a great capacity for love. Any woman who could redirect that love onto her would be very fortunate indeed.
“It was supposed tae be the happiest moment of our lives,” Seamus said. “She fell pregnant and we had spent the time preparing for the arrival of the baby. All the signs pointed tae the child being a boy and I was looking forward to raising a little warrior. We spoke of a big family and this child was gaeing tae be the first of many. The future seemed written for us, but as she was giving birth, it was clear something was wrong. The baby wasn’t coming out right. All I remember was so much blood and the screams as she tried tae give the baby life. I held her hand all the way through until she took her last breath. It slipped from my grasp, and when they took our little warrior from her body it was clear that he’d lost his first battle. I like tae think that when he realized his ma was dying, he gave up his life sae that he could watch over her in the afterlife.” A sad smile appeared on Seamus’ face as he said this.
Sarina felt her heart swell with pity. All this time, she had been focused on the anger and embarrassment that Seamus and Ciara had caused her, but hearing him speak about her death and the death of their child couldn’t fail to bring tears to her eyes. No one with a heart could fail to be moved by the story. Sarina left her dressing table and joined Seamus on the bed. She put her hand upon his and rested her head on his shoulder.
“Oh, Seamus, I can’t imagine what it must have been like for you to go through that, to lose everything that you loved,” she said.
“It was nae easy,” he replied, clenching his jaw. She could feel his entire body grow rigid with tension and she wished that she could do something to alleviate it. He wiped a tear from his eye and somehow seeing such a strong, powerful man show such vulnerability sparked arousal and desire within her. It seemed strange that such a grim mood could bring forth such strong and intense emotions, but she could not help the rising attraction beating within her heart.
“And for a long time, I never thought I would find anyone tae love again. I spent my life brooding on the ramparts, living in my memories. When the offer came for peace, I took it, nae because I wanted tae get married, but because I dinnae hae the heart for battle, as ashamed as I am tae admit that. But then I saw ye and I began tae think tae myself that maybe I could. I told myself that I would try tae stop living in the past, that Ciara would nae want me tae miss out on happiness for her sake, and that my little warrior would nae want me tae give up fighting.” He shook his head and sighed. “I suppose I did nae make a good effort in that regard taeday,” he admitted.
“No, you didn’t, but I suppose it must be hard for you to have all that emotion welling up inside you. I think I understand you a little better now, Seamus, thank you for telling me about Ciara, but I need you to promise me that you will stay true to these vows. If we are to share a marriage bed then I want only you and I to be between the sheets. There is no room for anyone else.”
“I hae sworn myself tae ye,” he said as if that explained everything. In a way, it did. Sarina looked into his eyes and saw a well of emotion inside him. She felt deeply connected to him in a way she hadn’t even when they had been exchanging her vows. The fact that Seamus opened up his heart to her in this way made her feel more comfortable with him as did the warmth that spread from his body to hers. Their fingers linked together and when she inhaled, she breathed in his warm scent.
It suddenly dawned on her that they were husband and wife and with that came certain responsibilities. A spike of fear lanced through her body as Seamus cupped her cheek in his hand and tilted her head to the left. He leaned forward and pressed his lips to her. This was a deeper kiss than the one they had enjoyed at the ceremony and since it was in the privacy of her own chamber, it was more intimate and personal. Sarina trembled at his touch with a mixture of fear and excitement. His beard scratched at her cheeks as her warm lips plucked a kiss, eventually causing his to part. She felt his warm breath upon her. His hands fell around her body, enveloping her in his masculine heat. Thoughts tumbled through her head as she wondered what was going to happen next. She was young and wholly inexperienced in the ways of love and it was all too much for her.
Sarina pulled away from him. Seamus stroked her cheek and looked concerned. “Did I dae anything wrong?” he asked.
“No, of course not, it was wonderful,” she said and gave him an awkward smile. She ke
pt her head turned away from him though and it was clear that she was uneasy. Seamus tried to sidle closer to her again and resume kissing, but Sarina found herself reluctant to continue the intimacy. The experience was entirely new to her and she found it overwhelming.
“Sarina, ye hae already talked of us nae haeing any secrets. If there is something troubling ye then it’s better that ye tell me, ye may find ye feel better for it,” Seamus said. “Besides, I hae bared my soul tae ye, ye owe me a secret or two.”
Sarina smiled and looked at his kind eyes. For all that she liked thinking of herself as a woman, in reality, she knew she was just a girl and it was difficult for her to pretend to be an adult. It was as though one day she woke up, got married, and people expected her to be different, to have unlocked some mysteries of the world, but nobody had told her how to handle any of this. She spent a few moments thinking of how to put these thoughts into words so that she could make her meaning plain to Seamus.
“Unlike you, Seamus, I have never been married before and this is a lot for me to take in. It has been a long day with many trials and I find myself exhausted. I do want to do my wifely duty for you, but I fear that I, well, frankly, I fear that I will not be any good, especially when I am so fatigued. I know that it is tradition for the husband and wife to share a night of passion, but would you mind terribly if we took it a little more slowly? I feel as though we are just getting to know each other. There is yet much to explore and I want to feel at ease with you and to give you the best of myself. Perhaps I am just being a silly girl, but I feel that after spending one night together we would feel more comfortable with each other,” she said, hoping that Seamus wouldn’t mind too much.
The world of sensual delight was new to her and the thought of giving up her virtue on this night was too much to bear. If she did go through with Thomas’ plan, she wanted to ensure that she remained pure for her next husband, if she did indeed have one. However, while she was sitting beside Seamus, the fire from his kiss still lingering upon her lips, it seemed abhorrent for her to even imagine herself with another man. He was complex, handsome, intriguing, and he made her feel things she had never felt before, yet she was not ready to surrender herself to him yet.
