#1 Crush

by Kaia Bennett

  He touched her, engulfed her smaller hand in his larger one, and she felt a shock snap through her hand and into his. She looked up to see him laughing and pulling his hand away shaking it out.

  “Static electricity,” he mumbled, chuckling softly.

  She’d fallen for him in that moment, but it just wasn’t meant to be. She knew she would see him a few times that summer when he went out to dinner with them. She was too young to go out drinking then, even though she usually found a way around that when Jackie wasn’t around, but she was determined to wow him just the same. She was going to be sexual kryptonite the next time they saw each other.

  Instead, she was the girl gaping at his new girlfriend, Marta Choudhury, a walking Taj Mahal of Spanish and Indian heritage. She could almost see a bubble burst in front of her eyes when she smiled and shook her hand, all hopes of seducing Gabriel Roberts snuffed out like an already dying ember.

  She wasn’t the girl Gabriel would take home. But she wanted to be. All at once, she saw the epitome of what she wanted, the relationship she coveted and the man she craved.

  There was a day she almost told him as much. There were so many times she thought it, wished for him to see it on his own and claim her. When he moved in with Jackie and Ian the previous spring just before breaking up with Marta she thought maybe, just maybe, she’d gotten a sign that she’d at least get to make out with him. This wasn’t a romance novel, though. When they talked about music, it ended in her getting a new album to download, not a kiss. When she returned a book she borrowed the previous summer, it didn’t have a secret meaning.

  When he hugged her it didn’t turn into a lingering quest for deeper intimacy. He didn’t inhale her, press her tighter to the hard lines of his lean body and fill her with his own secret longing. Why would he? Why would the thought ever cross his mind to indulge with a girl when he had women probably throwing themselves at him. And even if he had noticed her as anything other than the baby sister, he wasn’t the type to be tempted, not a good guy like Gabriel. He was perfect. Perfect in every way. He was the guy that consoled her when she broke up with her last semi-serious boyfriend, the guy she thought she was falling for.

  She’d dated Christian for a little over four months. For the first time in a long time she thought she might just be able to move on from her crush. She might be able to be normal and date someone cool and see Gabriel as human instead of a beacon of sexual light. And then, just when she’d started to get comfortable, just when Gabriel became a staple in Jackie’s home, Christian broke up with her. Over the phone. A couple of weeks after her fucking birthday, which had been spent with him.

  Nicole bit down on her bottom lip and asked as calmly as she could manage, “You couldn’t have done this before I left, Christian? You just had to do this over the phone while I’m visiting my sister? Because ruining what’s left of my summer didn’t mean anything to you?”

  The sigh on the other line was a sigh of boredom wrapped in a gilded casing of remorse. He barely cared he was being an asshole, but he didn’t want her to know that. Fitting, since that’s the kind of guy he was, an asshole that didn’t want to be seen that way.

  “Look, Nicole, it’s been fun, and I do really like you. I’m just not ready for anything super serious. You obviously are.”

  “When did I say I was looking for something serious, exactly?”

  “You didn’t have to say anything, baby, it’s just obvious.”

  “Don’t fucking call me ‘baby’, not ever again.”

  He was silent for a long moment, until she said, “Well, go ahead and finish your pretty speech. I’m sure you have places to go, people to do, all that shit.”

  He had the decency to pretend to be embarrassed about being caught. “I didn’t want this, you know? I didn’t want to ruin your summer or hurt you, but…what’s the fucking point of us spending the summer pretending we’re gonna come back to school and be together—”

  “Oh, I know. Totally a good call on your part, man. I’d really hate to stand in the way of you fucking someone new, since you already got all the mileage you could out of me right?”

  “Nicole…”

  “Christian?” Nicole said, her tone mocking his. Her voice was steady, but tears stung as they fell without her permission.

  And to think this was the guy she thought she liked. The guy she’d imagined being with for a while. The guy she’d tried things with that she never thought she’d try, like anal. Biggest mistake she’d made to date.

  It was everything she could do not to cry, remembering how much it had hurt when he tried to shove himself too quickly into that delicate back passage. The exasperation he’d barely been able to contain and how he’d left her to roll over on her side, huddled in on herself until he realized she was sobbing quietly…she’d spent that night babysitting an inebriated asshole’s ego, and that hadn’t been good enough for him.

  “I’m sorry, Nicole.”

  “No, you’re not. Fuck you, enjoy your freedom.”

  She hung up then before she started outright sobbing. She spent the rest of the afternoon like that, curled up in a ball, alternating between fury, self-perseveration inspired numbness, and tearful agony. She’d liked him, but more than anything, she’d wanted to like him more than Gabriel. She wanted to grow up, and move on. She just wanted to be wanted, truly. It was failing that task that hurt the most, her ego bruised and battered yet again.

  Gabriel had been the first to come home from work, looking as weary as she felt. The minute he saw her, he knew something was up. Her eyes were red-rimmed, bloodshot and puffy. Her nose was raw and tissues were strewn about her. She must have looked utterly defeated. For some reason the look on his face as he assessed her made her tear up.

  Insult? Meet Injury.

  Nicole turned her face away from his and stared at the TV, hearing but not hearing, seeing but not seeing. The heat of embarrassment made her feel like she would melt through the couch and into the apartment below, but that would have been too easy. Instead, she registered his movements, the quiet way he set down his keys and messenger bag before standing at the edge of the couch, his hands tucked into his dress slacks. How twisted that even now he made her unbearably horny. Gabriel in a suit and tie never ceased to inspire dirty thoughts.

  He stood still for a moment, and she figured he must have been mentally lamenting his timing. He probably just wanted to take a shower and get some food, but Gabriel was as compassionate as Christian was an insensitive prick. He simply sat down on the couch next to her and waited for her to say something. When she tried to smile but sobbed instead he wrapped an arm around her and pulled her close. He was silent. Only the occasional “shhh, it’s okay…” permeated the sound of her crying. Every time she tried to get it together another tug on her heart pulled a sob loose, until finally she fell silent, spent and empty and rocking slowly to the soothing rhythm Gabriel had set for her. When all that was left was the occasional hitch in her breath, she raised a trembling hand and wiped away her tears. Reluctantly she sat up, then pulled away from his embrace altogether.

  “What happened, Nicole?”

  Nicole didn’t even know what to say. How exactly did she tell her ultimate crush she couldn’t even keep a college kid for longer than a few months? How could she tell him she’d been dumped, probably because she was a lousy lay. Christian had only been the third guy she slept with and was barely her boyfriend before he was done with her.

  She buried her head in her eyes and willed herself not to cry again, though the embarrassment alone was enough to make her eyes sting, She turned her face away from his for a moment, wiped harshly at her face as if the rough treatment would halt her unwelcome tears. Then she faced him.

  She expected him to retreat to a safe distance now that she’d gathered herself somewhat. Instead, Gabriel moved closer to her and wrapped his arms around her. He didn’t speak. For a long moment she sat rigid and still, and then slowly sunk into the crook of his arm, learning her head a
gainst his chest while he rested his chin on top of her head. He held her gently, even softly rubbed his chin against the top of her head before placing the kindest kiss where his chin had been.

  Never before had a broken heart felt almost sacred, almost like a gift. She closed her eyes and sunk deeper into the feel of him.

  A sick part of her was relishing every single moment of this extended proximity to his body, the heat under his dress shirt, the sweep of his tie against her cheek. She sniffed hard, wishing that she could cry pretty crystal drop tears instead of blow snot bubbles. Sensing her distress at making a mess on his shirt, he reached for the box of tissues on the coffee table and gave her several. She giggled though the rawness of her throat, turned slightly, blew her nose, sniffled and then braved a glance up at him.

  He looked down at her with a softness she never expected to see from him, from any man save her father who was obligated to care. Empathy was etched all over that gorgeously constructed face, and without her even saying a word he just seemed to get it. She knew that he understood and was there for her until she felt strong enough to speak. It instantly made her feel better, not so ashamed of her outburst.

  “Thank you,” she croaked out. She forced herself to smile weakly before averting her eyes.

  She nearly died and came back to life when he swept her hair off her tear-stained cheek and then swiped at those tears with his thumbs. She couldn’t help it. She closed her eyes and sighed at his touch, hoping he couldn’t see how hungry it made her. She forced her eyes open when he released her, a second, an eternity later.

  “What’s his name?”

  She wiggled her nose and looked into his thoughtful and sure brown eyes. Was she so easy to read?

  “How did you know?”

  “An educated guess,” he said softly, before clearing his throat. When he looked away she couldn’t help but wonder where he’d gotten his lessons in heartbreak. Maybe breaking up with Marta had been a bit rougher on him than she’d guessed.

  Nicole wiped at her eyes and took a deep breath. It shuddered at the end as she recalled Christian and the last time she’d been with him. She’d lain in bed with him his arms around her after he’d come. Her body had been numb, but the cuddling after had been nice. He’d been fun to dance with when they went out. He’d been so cute, too. And yet, as many times as they had sex it couldn’t compare to the way it felt to just have Gabriel hold her. How sad. She closed her eyes, exhaled and spilled her heart.

  “He waited, not even a full day after I left. He called this afternoon and said I wanted to be m-more serious than him and he just wasn’t feeling me like that…which just means I’m not going to be around and I wasn’t good enough to wait for…”

  Her head drooped and she brought her knees up so he couldn’t see the fresh tears threatening to overflow. Side benefits of hugs and attention aside, it was embarrassing for him to see her like this. She felt like a raw nerve, exposed and touched over and over. She half expected to tell him she had a crush on him, just rip all the band-aids off at once and send him running for the hills, too.

  “Don’t do that to yourself, Nic,” he said, calling her by one of her nicknames. She loved the sound of it on his lips. “It’s not your fault you gave him more than he knew how to handle. I promise you, it’s not you. You were too good for him. End of story.”

  She turned her head to face him, her temple resting on her knee.

  “Part of me knows that. Part of me is so angry because I wasted so much time on him,” she said. He nodded in agreement. “But…the other part…it feels like me. It feels like I’m doing everything wrong.”

  Gabriel gave an apologetic half-smile. “You’re still dealing with boys at this stage. Still a lot of thinking with their dicks, just with a little more game and a bigger vocabulary. Sometimes.” He grimaced and leaned back into the couch, bracing his ankle on his knee. “It’s not an excuse. It’s just immaturity and you have a big heart. Some guys will mistake that for an invitation to take advantage. Don’t let them. There’s someone out there that won’t want to cut and run.”

  “Yeah,” she said after a long moment. And then with a snort, “Wish we’d had this talk before I slept with him. I could have saved myself from some crappy sex.”

  Gabriel looked away for a moment, his glance lazily scanning the floor. He was thinking about something, and it might be what to say because she’d just over-shared about her sex life.

  “Sorry, probably too much information,” she said preemptively.

  “No, no,” he said, clearing his throat and then waving away her discomfort. “I’m just…well, I’m pissed that he hurt you. We’re friends though, you know that. You can say whatever you feel comfortable saying and I’m not going to judge you.”

  Nicole lifted her head then, and felt her heart practically soar out of her chest.

  “Yeah. Friends,” was all she could manage in words. But she hoped her smile made up for it. He smiled back and pulled her into the crook of his arm.

  “I’m sorry, I’m being really silly and more than a little pathetic. We only dated for a couple of months and I’m mostly mad because he was right. I was too serious, too fast. I won’t make that mistake again.”

  She felt the back and forth shift of his body against her cheek and knew he was shaking his head.

  “No, I don’t think it’s silly. Sex complicates things. You ever notice how kids date for like a week then break up?” Nicole laughed and heard the answering rumble of laughter in his chest, felt Gabe nod and say, “Yeah, sex is like a preservative for a crappy relationship. It just extends the shelf life for something that should have ended weeks ago.”

  “Yeah, I may have to get with the times and try a fuck and run.”

  Gabriel was silent for a long moment. Again she feared that she was flirting too much with the edges of impropriety. Why did she keep reminding him she’d fucked that loser? He was probably being nice at this point, uncomfortable but wary of hurting her further. She felt his deep inhale and exhale again.

  “It… has its benefits…” Then he seemed to almost shake himself away and come back to his senses. “Don’t tell Jackie I said that. Ever. You are not allowed to have casual sex. Save yourself for marriage.”

  Nicole laughed. “Right. Me, a virgin bride. I think even Jackie knows better at this point. I might just switch teams or something.”

  “Well whatever team you’re batting for, try not to be a heartbreaker yourself.”

  She laughed but he shook her a little and said, “Hey, guys can have their hearts broken too. Where do you think all that awesome music I give you comes from?”

  “I’m just laughing at the idea of me breaking someone’s heart,” she answered. The idea was preposterous. “Besides what would you know about a broken heart? I thought you were the heartbreaker?”

  He withdrew from her then, and she searched his face, immediately remorseful.

  “I didn’t mean it, Gabe. I forget sometimes that you and Marta…” she swallowed and he smiled at her, trying to smooth away the awkwardness. “I know you’re not a heartbreaker, not really. You’re too sweet for that. Totally perfect.”

  She just bit her lip and shook her head. “I’m an idiot remember, and I talk too much. I just had this image of your break-ups being like George Clooney’s. You know, amicable and after an allotted time period.”

  Gabriel just blinked and gave her a sardonic smirk. “I’m far from perfect. I have dated a girl or two that got bored and moved on. Marta is one of a few girls I’ve been serious with, to be honest. In that case…I was very much an immature, dumb guy. If I could go back and do some things differently, I would. We still wouldn’t be together, but my conscience would be clearer.”

  Nicole bit the inside of her cheek to keep from grimacing. She didn’t care for Marta, and it wasn’t just because she was jealous of her. She didn’t like the way she was so dismissive of who he was, of his music. She could see that from a mile away, from the first time they met. Ma
rta had drama about her that didn’t suit Gabe. He was so laid back and sweet. But then Nicole remembered how gorgeous Marta was, how he’d whispered something in her ear the first night they met and the smile that had been Marta’s answer. What he saw in Marta was that secret something no one seemed to see in Nicole. Gabriel was perfect, so perfect he could make the wrong woman seem right, even if only for a little while.

  “Well, I don’t care what you say,” Nicole murmured. Even as she found the courage to speak a portion of the truth, she pulled away, afraid he would reject her. “You’re perfect, and she was lucky to have someone like you. Someone who will let a whiny girl cry all over his nice dress shirt because some inconsequential guy bruised her ego.”

  She closed her eyes and almost shivered when he ran his hand congenially over her hair. It felt so good and broke her heart. She was Jackie’s adorable kid sister to him at best, and this chaste touch was how you would comfort a broken hearted child.

  “It was laundry day, anyway.”

  Laughter came unbidden and then a snort that made her immediately cover her mouth in embarrassment. Gabriel’s masculine, raspy laughter joined hers, and soon he was pulling her into one last hug, a fleeting gesture before asking, “You gonna be okay?”

  Nicole nodded, unable to stop her goofy smile. “Yeah, I’m half way over him already.”

  Thanks to you…

  “Good. He doesn’t deserve any more of your time, Nic. You can do better. You deserve better. Remember that.”

  Looking into his eyes, his soft smile beaming down on her, how could she not believe him? Something in her shifted, slid loose and back into place but tighter than before. It felt like her heart, like the longing she had for him now had less room to move. It was like the world shifted too, and her innocent and understandable crush graduated to something richer.

  In the future she would look back and not be able to pinpoint the moment when her life was altered irrevocably by his presence, by the promise of something as simple as his understanding hug and empathetic smile. They would just become the characteristics that made him who he was, and she would think of him as this complete being. Not just good looks, not just sexy, not just a talented musician. He would become the gold standard, her friend in spite of her desire. She would remember vividly moments like this, moments when she felt giddy and content, nervous and safe. Every man she was with would have to measure up to this chaste yet electric affection, and the lust it inspired in her. None of them ever would. None of them would ever drive her to the extremes she indulged in that summer.