Would You, Could You

by Felicia Mires

  There was no way she could doubt his intent after reading those letters. He'd given her months to deal with her grief. If she was ever going to let him in, it was now.

  Another church member greeted him, introducing himself with a smile. "Hi, I'm Jason Miller. Are you new here?"

  "Bryce Watson. Yes, I just moved to the area."

  "Is this your first time?"

  "I was here on Sunday."

  The door opened, and Julianne shuffled through. Her eyes lit on his.

  Bryce smiled, and Jason looked over his shoulder to see Lisa and Julianne. "Ahh, I see you know someone already. It was good to meet you. If I can help you get accustomed to Boston, let me know."

  Bryce shook his hand. "I will. Thank you."

  He hurried over to Lisa and Julianne. Lisa still looked hesitant and reserved, but Julianne was all smiles. She offered him a tight hug then returned to her mother's side.

  "Mom, can Bryce sit with us?"

  Lisa kept her gaze on his shoe. She wasn't ready, and he didn't want to push.

  "That's ok, Jujube. I'll see you later. Perhaps we can go out for uh...hot chocolate."

  "No," said Lisa. "I mean, it's ok. You can sit with us...if you want."

  He followed behind them, careful not to touch Lisa in any way as they filed into a pew.

  He sat on the end, and Julianne sat in the middle. How many times had he imagined attending a church somewhere with the both of them?

  He tried not to smile like an idiot, but surely anyone in this place who cared to look would know he was ecstatic.

  After months of waiting, he was with Lisa and Julianne. Now, if he could just get her to look at him.

  The service passed more quickly than the one on Sunday. He wasn't sure he got a lot out of it, he was so focused on the two people at his side. Julianne seemed distracted as well. She kept glancing up at him and grinning.

  He knew he had her support.

  At the end of the service, he filed out to the foyer with the rest of the people, anxious for a chance to finally speak with Lisa.

  When she skirted around him to head for the exit, he glanced at Julianne.

  She shrugged. "She didn't read the letters. I read mine. I even read one of them to her. That's why she let me come tonight. She wasn't going to...to come, I mean."

  He took a deep breath. Enough was enough. "Stay here. I'll be back."

  Julianne nodded.

  Once Bryce cleared the doors, his eyes wandered the dark parking lot, searching for Lisa or her vehicle.

  He caught a glimpse of her as she pulled open her car door and hurried to her side.

  "Lisa!"

  She looked up then past him at the stragglers approaching their cars.

  He reached her side, and her eyes met his. "Bryce."

  "Lisa, I love you."

  She pulled her coat closer, shaking her head.

  "Yes, I love you. I've waited months to say it, and I'm not going to take it back. I love you. I love Julianne. I want to marry you. I want a family."

  "What about what I want? When do I get what I want?"

  "I can't give you back Roger and Jonathan. There's only me."

  "Maybe that isn't enough."

  He stepped back. He wasn't enough? Maybe he couldn't take the place of a child, but they could have another. But he wasn't enough. Frustration surged.

  He turned and walked away. He wasn't enough. After all he'd done, he wasn't enough. Could she really mean it?

  He would never see her again if he left now. Never.

  He walked back to her, the pressure in his chest nearly blocking everything else out. He pulled one of his FBI cards from his pocket and held it out.

  "If you change your mind, call me. I love you, Lisa. I think you love me. I'll be around until Friday."

  The anger seeped out of him as he gazed at her tired, lonely face. She needed him whether she knew it or not. She didn't look up, but he couldn't walk away yet.

  "Sweetheart, I love you. I'll be praying."

  Chapter 14

  Would You, Could You...Always and Forever

  On the way home from church, Lisa felt numb. Even with the heater turned on full blast, her fingers felt like unwieldy icicles and her heart a frozen wasteland.

  Bryce had looked at her and practically begged her to love him. And she'd told him he wasn't enough?

  She didn't feel that way. Why had she said it? Where had all that animosity come from?

  His business card rested on the seat between her and Julianne.

  When Julianne got in the car, she hadn't said a word. They drove home in silence. How had their Christmas season, the happiest time of the year, turned into something so difficult and painful?

  Since Roger and Jonathan died, nothing had been right. But it could be again. It wouldn't be the same, but it could be better than this.

  Bryce made them happy...her and Julianne. That was a good thing. Wasn't it?

  If nothing else, she needed to read his letters.

  She glanced at Julianne. She sat with her face rested against the glass, gazing out the darkened window as she had as a child. How was all this affecting her?

  "What are you thinking, Julianne?"

  "He loves us. We love him. He deserves a chance. Daddy would want us to be happy. There's nothing wrong with him, Mom. I don't care if he was part of whatever happened to Daddy and Jonathan. Nobody made Daddy get involved, and he wasn't stupid. Bryce didn't do this to us, and you're pushing him away for no reason. You should read the letters."

  "All right, Julianne. I will."

  "Do you love Bryce?"

  "It's difficult."

  "No, it isn't. You either forgive him and Daddy for what they put us through or you don't."

  "I'm sorry, Julianne...for everything. I am trying."

  "I know, Mom."

  "Let's pray about it. You leave tomorrow for Grandma and Grandpa's. Are you excited?"

  Julianne sighed. "Sort of. If you knew how much I miss Bryce..." Her voice choked up. "He's like Dad. Really special."

  "Yes, he is." She reached across the seat and grabbed Julianne's hand. "He left his number. Why don't you give him a call? I'm sure it would make him happy, too."

  "Really? That would be so much better. Then I wouldn't feel so bad about going to Grandma's. I just need to know he's ok. You should have seen his face. He tried to hide it, but he was really sad."

  "I know. I said something I shouldn't."

  "Maybe you should call him and apologize."

  "It would take more than an apology, I'm afraid."

  "We'll pray for him, Mom. I know God will tell us what to do. Won't he?"

  "Yes. He will." If we listen.

  Later, in her room, Lisa heard the muted, happy voice of Julianne as she spoke with Bryce on the phone. The conversation didn't last long, maybe ten minutes, then Julianne's room got quiet.

  Lisa glanced at the letters. Did she want to start that now? She had a feeling the tears would flow and she didn't want to be up all night crying.

  But the memory of Bryce's face when he said he loved her. It had made a difference when he finally said it. He meant it. She wanted to know what had mattered to him so much the last few months that he had taken the time to write it down.

  She picked up the letters and untied the red ribbon. Each one was dated. She selected the oldest one and plumped up her pillows and leaned back.

  Dear Lisa,

  The case is over! I have to tell you that I get a great deal of satisfaction when we put someone in prison. Part of me exults in taking their rights away like they did to others. I do not want to analyze that feeling. I guess I've got a bent for vengeance, but I'm hoping it's my training and sense of doing what's right. I guess I should pray about it.

  Anyway, it means I'll be seeing you soon. I hope you've missed me as much as I've missed you and Julianne.

  I want to take you away from the resort. We've got time before school starts. How about Disney? Or Alaska? My family
wants to meet the woman I want to marry. They've been waiting a long time. According to my sister, they'd just about given up hope that I'd get serious about someone. But now I have you.

  I finally know what it feels like to have my first thoughts of the day be about something other than a case. I wonder what you're doing and if Julianne is improving at tennis. I wonder if you're still crying at night. Then I wonder who you would cry for. Will your first thoughts ever be for me? Will you ever love me like you did Roger? I don't know what I would do if you and Julianne were ripped out of my life like you lost Roger and Jonathan. I wouldn't want to love someone else.

  I pray that isn't the case with you, that the time we spent together showed you that we can be happy together, a family.

  I'll keep praying, sweetheart.

  Bryce

  Lisa stared at the letter then smoothed it out. At this moment in time, Bryce had been excited about seeing her. He'd looked forward to showing up at the resort and whisking her and Julianne away. How had he felt when they hadn't been there?

  In many ways, since she met Bryce, she hadn't considered what her actions would do to him, but he wasn't like that. He'd always considered her and Julianne. Part of that might be his training, maybe his personality, too. But she thought most of all that he truly cared.

  She fingered the letter again. She did think of him when he wasn't around. Especially this week. Her waking moments had centered on Bryce.

  Did she love him like she loved Roger? That was hard to define. She'd been with Roger for five years. She'd only known Bryce five months and only spent time with him for a week. A very intense week.

  She picked up the next letter.

  By the time she held the last one in her hand, she felt she knew him, how he thought, what made him happy, what gave him concerns, even his newly found faith. He'd shared it all. Things he'd never said when they were together. Which raised another question. Could he only share his feelings on paper?

  There was only one letter left. In all the others, Bryce had never said he loved her. Would this be the one?

  My darling Lisa,

  Well, a guy can hope, can't he? In my heart, you're my darling. It has been so difficult the past few months to let you have space to process how you feel. About me, about Roger, about the whole big mess.

  I wanted to sweep you off your feet. Show up with a zillion flowers, candy, whisk you away to some tropical island and show you how much I care. But that would be all about me. What I want, what I feel. I prayed about what to do and waiting seemed right. I want you to know how you feel because, for me, this is forever. I want to wake up every day and see your face on the pillow next to me. I want to go to sleep, holding you in my arms. I used to make fun of guys at work who mooned over their girlfriends or wives, and now it's me. I like the idea of coming home to a family every night, the same home, night after night. I especially like the idea of coming home to you.

  Apparently, it's a case of if Muhammad can't move the mountain...because I'm coming after you. I can't wait any longer. Thanksgiving with my family was unbearably lonely without you and Julianne. I can't stand the thought of Christmas being the same.

  I love you, Lisa. I've never said that to anyone. I don't know why. Maybe because it means something to me. Something permanent.

  I love you. Give us a chance.

  Bryce

  Lisa held the letter against her chest and sighed. "I love you, too."

  As soon as Julianne left for her grandparents' house the next day, Lisa would call Bryce to come over. They needed to have a long talk.

  * *

  By the time Bryce reached his hotel room, he felt utterly weary. The entire situation was not going as he'd hoped. Julianne was a wreck, and Lisa didn't want anything to do with him. He couldn't keep invading their lives with the hope something would change. Obviously, Lisa did not love him.

  God, I don't understand. I thought if I did this your way, everything would work out.

  He picked up the Bible he'd left on the nightstand. There had to be answers in here somewhere. He turned to Psalms. He liked King David, a warrior who went after what he wanted. Most of the time, David waited until God said it was time to move. It worked for him.

  Bryce had done that, so why was it all so wrong?

  He began to read. When I am afraid, I trust in you. In God- I boast in his promise-in God I trust, I am not afraid. He read on. You keep track of my misery. Put my tears in your leather container! Are they not recorded in your scroll? So things didn't always go as David wanted, either.

  I am obligated to fulfill the vows I made to you, O God; I will give you the thank-offerings you deserve, when you deliver me from death. You keep my feet from stumbling, so that I might serve God as I enjoy life.

  That was a lot to absorb. Obligated to fulfill vows? Bryce had made some vows of his own...to trust God even when he didn't understand. It was proving more difficult than he'd supposed.

  I will give you the thank-offerings you deserve. Thankfulness didn't have anything to do with whether or not life went the way Bryce wanted.

  But the last verse gave him hope. I might serve God as I enjoy life. If he continued to look at life the way God was showing him, he would enjoy it. God had blessings for him.

  He prayed again that he would make the right choices over his remaining time in Boston.

  When his cell phone rang, he jumped across the room to grab it. He smiled at the voice on the other end. "Hi Jujube. Mom say it was all right to call?"

  Maybe Lisa would come around.

  His talk with Julianne was short and sweet. She was full of plans to visit her grandparents, but she'd cared enough to see if he was all right. What a kid! She'd even told him Lisa promised to read his letters. Maybe she would call after reading them. Whatever the case, he felt he could sleep now.

  Thanks, God, for renewing my hope. I needed that.

  The next morning, Bryce woke early and reached for his Bible. The book had become a lifeline to God. Why had he ever thought it boring and outdated?

  After reading a few chapters on the life of David, he prayed. More and more, he was coming to realize that a relationship with God wasn't a fix-all for life. It was a life-long experience of learning things about himself and God. He didn't always see things God's way, but God always saw him exactly as he was and loved him anyway. Maybe a better way to think about it was that God saw him as he knew Bryce was supposed to be. God always had his eternal purpose in mind.

  If only Bryce would learn to think that way. Practice, God. I have to keep practicing.

  About half past ten, the phone rang. He couldn't help the sudden hope that surged through his gut.

  "Bryce Watson."

  "It's Lisa. I was wondering if you want to come over and talk. Julianne just left for a visit with her grandparents."

  "Sure. I'll be there in fifteen minutes."

  "Do you need the address?"

  "I've got it."

  She laughed. "Of course, you do."

  Bryce threw on a jacket and ran down the stairs when the elevator didn't arrive fast enough.

  This was it. Where she decided to love him or leave him.

  He chose to pray on the drive over instead of agonizing over what she might say.

  When she opened the front door, she looked good. She hadn't been crying. Her eyes were clear and a soft smile lit her face. His hope escalated a notch.

  "Bryce. Thanks for coming over so quickly."

  "I'm glad you called."

  She walked toward the living room. The house looked just like her. Comfortable, but clean, elegant lines in shades of tan and beige with just a touch of maroon. Exactly what he'd pictured for her.

  "I wanted to call last night."

  "I would have come."

  She sat on the couch. "I know. Julianne was here."

  Did her smile look even more inviting than when she opened the door? His heart picked up tempo.

  He wanted to touch her, but she kept her hands clasp
ed in her lap.

  "I guess you know I've been working...teaching again."

  He nodded. "I'm proud of you. I know it wasn't easy."

  "No. It's better now. I enjoy it much more than working at the resort. I feel useful again."

  "Julianne..."

  She held up a hand. "I know she needed me, but she's such a great kid. I think she held me up more than I held her up."

  "Only because you gave her a safe environment in which to recover. Without that...well, I see a lot. You've done a great job. She's a very secure young woman."

  "Not really." She offered him a wan smile. "You should have heard her when she first met her grandparents. I was appalled. She told them she knew someone in the FBI and if they tried to kidnap her or hide her from me, you'd find her."

  "Ouch! What a way to greet long-lost grandparents."

  "Yes, but I heard more than that in her statement." Her eyes sought his briefly then flitted away. "I heard a young girl tell someone that her father was bigger than them and wouldn't let anyone hurt her."

  "Her father?" Bryce sat up. What was Lisa telling him? His heart went into overdrive.

  "The man she respects more than any other. The one she sees as her protector. The father she loves."

  "How do you feel about that, Lisa?"

  "I...I love you."

  Bryce was across the couch faster than he thought he could move. His arms went around her, and Lisa buried her head in his neck.

  "Are you sure?" he whispered against her neck.

  "Positive. I've known for a while, but there were...things."

  He leaned back slightly. "Let's talk about each one of them."

  "You're such a lawman. Got to line out every detail."

  "Can't help it. But it can only help to talk about our doubts."

  "You have doubts?"

  "I haven't ever been in love before, but you have. What if I don't measure up? I'm not Roger. I don't do things like him. I never will. I don't want to. But I do love you and I want to fill the needs in your life."

  She shook her head. "No doubts there. You don't have kids, but you can love more than one. It's different, but you love them both, completely and whole-heartedly. I love Roger, loved Roger, but I love you, too. And it's different." She smiled at him. "When I wake up, I think of you. I wonder if you're ok…if some bad guy is trying to kill you." Her smile wavered.