“Do you need a drink?” Esther asked.
Ivy snuggled into her pillow and smiled drowsily at Esther. That smile made her look like a six-year-old again, sweet and guileless, the little sister looking to her big sister for comfort. “Remember when I got scared at night, and you used to snuggle with me under the covers and tell me stories about Miss Mary and her horses?”
A twinge of pain shot through Esther’s heart. Over the years, Ivy had done a gute job of ruining all of Esther’s pleasant memories of their lives together. “That was a long time ago.”
“I wish Miss Mary was real,” Ivy said, as if she could barely stay awake to say the words. “I wish Prancing Farm was a real place.” She closed her eyes. “Thank you for taking care of me. I’m glad you still love me.”
Did Esther love Ivy?
Tonight, she was too tired to care about the answer.
* * *
Winnie sat on the blanket under the apricot tree playing with some of Esther’s measuring cups while Esther picked apricots. The fruit was plump and large and tasted sweeter than any apricots Esther had ever eaten. She’d done a gute job thinning them this spring, even though the thinning was only a side benefit of ripping little green apricots off the tree and throwing them at the house.
Ivy had been here for four days, and Esther had no idea if she intended to stay for another day, another year, or forever. Oh, please, dear Father in Heaven, don’t let it be forever. But then again, forever was better than losing Winnie. Esther threw a bird-pecked apricot at the house. She didn’t even know what to pray for anymore.
She glanced at Winnie sitting on a blanket under the side of the tree Esther had already picked. Winnie was playing contentedly and drooling all over the cute pink dress Mary Jane had sewn for her. Winnie was the most beautiful baby in the whole world. What would Esther do without her? What had she ever done before? And while she was forever frustrated with Ivy, she knew she should be grateful too. Winnie was what Mamm would call a blessing in disguise.
Esther stretched up as far as she could to get the last of the apricots within her reach. Ivy had spent the better part of the last four days sleeping, probably trying to catch up after years of hard living. When she wasn’t sleeping, Ivy was her own defiant self, but in a subdued and quiet way, probably because she thought she’d be out on her ear if she provoked Esther. It was plain that Ivy wasn’t aware of the power she had over Esther—the power to make Esther do anything she wanted her to do just by threatening to take Winnie away. Esther wasn’t about to let Ivy find out. Tiptoeing around Ivy, measuring every word, trying to be firm without offending her sister was exhausting.
She took a small measure of comfort in the fact that Ivy had abandoned Winnie before. There wasn’t any reason to expect she wouldn’t do it again—in a heartbeat. In a way, it was sad, but Ivy’s weak character was Esther’s greatest hope.
Ivy trudged around the side of the house, shielding her eyes against the sun with her good hand. She wore a white T-shirt with shorts so short they looked like underwear with pockets. Maybe the shorts weren’t a bad thing. Ivy needed some sun. She was so pale, she looked as if she had one foot in the grave. A healthy tan might do her good. A nondescript tattoo sat on Ivy’s upper thigh, looking very much like a blue and green bruise. She’d done that to herself on purpose? Ivy was obviously fond of dangly earrings, because even though her clothes were in tatters, she seemed to have an endless supply of jewelry to put in her ears. This morning she wore a pair of earrings made of fluorescent pink and blue feathers so long they brushed the tops of her shoulders.
Ivy had refused to see a doctor, so Esther had sewn Ivy a sling out of some homely leftover brown fabric that she wasn’t planning on using for anything. Ivy wore the sling, because she wasn’t stupid, but she also complained about the color and the stitching and the texture of the fabric until Esther wanted to rip the thing off Ivy’s arm and let her fend for herself.
Esther took a deep breath. And then another. She was getting a lot of extra oxygen these days. She reminded herself of the good things. The broken collarbone was also a blessing in disguise. Ivy couldn’t help with the dishes or laundry, but she couldn’t lift or hold Winnie, and Esther liked it that way. She couldn’t bear the thought of Ivy cuddling Winnie or rocking her to sleep. She couldn’t bear the thought of Ivy replacing Esther in Winnie’s heart. Ivy didn’t seem the least bit interested in Winnie. Esther could have kissed her for her coldheartedness.
“Good morning, Ivy,” Esther said, giving her sister as genuine a smile as she could muster.
“There’s like nothing in the fridge,” Ivy said. “What can I have for breakfast?”
“You could grab yourself some apricots and have some in a bowl with milk and sugar.”
The look of horror on Ivy’s face made Esther laugh. Ivy cracked a smile. “Would you eat apricots for breakfast?”
Esther shook her head. “I don’t much like apricots, except in pies and tarts.”
Ivy scrunched her lips to one side of her face and raised her eyebrows. “And now you have a whole tree of them. Poor girl.”
“Yep. I feel kind of sorry for myself.”
Ivy eased herself down on the blanket next to Winnie and smoothed the back of her finger down Winnie’s cheek. “I’ll never get over how soft her skin is.”
Esther tensed and tried to pretend she wasn’t tense. She dropped her apricots into the bucket. “There’s nothing softer than a baby’s cheek.”
Winnie made a sound of protest. Ivy pulled back her hand. “From the minute she was born, all she did was cry. Jordan hated it. He’s got sensitive ears, and Winter’s cries gave him a headache.”
Poor Jordan, Esther wanted to say, with sarcasm dripping from her lips. She knew better than to say something so foolish. “Gotte made babies that way on purpose. It’s hard to ignore them when they’re crying.”
“I suppose that’s true. But it sure can wear on your nerves.”
Esther wasn’t certain why—maybe it was a gift from Gotte—but she suddenly felt a rush of compassion and love for her sister. The feeling nearly knocked her over. How hard it must have been for Ivy, having a new baby but no one she could turn to for help. If it hadn’t been for Levi and his family, Esther would have been completely lost when Winnie first came. She dropped the last of the apricots into the bucket and knelt beside Ivy. “I’m sorry. For sure and certain it was wonderful hard for you. Did your labor last long?”
Ivy studied Esther’s face as if to decide if Esther was sincerely interested. Esther winced inwardly. Ivy had obviously sensed her resistance. “Seventeen hours,” Ivy said. “They wouldn’t give me anything for the pain, because I didn’t have insurance. Jordan watched football while I screamed.” She turned her face away. “I hated him for that. I hated him for everything.”
Esther slipped her hand into Ivy’s, for once not thinking of what she was doing as a strategy for handling her sister. She simply wanted Ivy to know there was someone who cared about her. “Ach. You must have felt so alone.”
“We were living with Jordan’s stepmom and dad. Jordan and his stepmom had a big fight after Christmas, and they threw us out of the house. Can you imagine that? Kicking your son and his new baby out of the house on New Year’s Eve? We lived in his truck for three days and then at a homeless shelter until Jordan found work on a road crew.”
Esther shuddered at the thought of Winnie in a shelter. She hated to ask, but she couldn’t bear not knowing. “Did . . . was Winnie safe from Jordan?”
Ivy turned her face away. “He never touched her. I wouldn’t let him touch her, even when she cried.”
“You’re a good mother, Ivy.”
“Jordan is a jerk. He gets drunk, and he can’t control himself.”
Esther wrapped her arms around Ivy’s shoulders. “Oh, Ivy, I love you, and you deserve so much better.”
Ivy pulled away and brushed some grass off the blanket. “Jordan took care of me. He made sure we always had something to ea
t.”
But at what price, Ivy? Your dignity is worth more than a square meal.
“I wish you would have come here sooner. I would have helped you.”
Ivy stiffened. “Oh, yeah, like you would have let Jordan sleep in the house. We were better off in the truck than living with you and your holier-than-thou attitude.”
Esther sighed as her warm feelings for Ivy evaporated into the summer air. Ivy had been a sickly little girl, and Mamm, anxious for her daughter’s health, had hovered and coddled and accommodated Ivy until Ivy began to expect everyone in the world to cater to her. Even after Ivy regained her health, Mamm continued to coddle her, letting her laze around the house instead of doing chores, putting up with Ivy’s demands and disrespect, and treating her like a baby instead of a capable human being. Dat called her “My poor little Ivy” up until the day he died. She had been masterful at milking Mamm and Dat’s sympathy. But Ivy had rarely sought sympathy from Esther, and Esther hadn’t given it to her. Maybe Esther’s pity made Ivy feel weak, but why she had craved pity from her parents and not from Esther was something Esther would never know.
“You’re probably right,” Esther said, because it was pointless to attempt to reason with Ivy. “But I am sorry Jordan’s stepmom kicked you out.”
Ivy sniffed and turned up her nose. “I don’t need you feeling sorry for me. You’re Amish. I’m the one who feels sorry for you—all those stupid rules you have to follow, the ugly clothes you have to wear, those hard benches you have to sit on at church.”
Esther most certainly wasn’t going to attempt to reason with Ivy about that. Ivy’s life was testament to the consequences of bad choices. Esther chose to obey the rules. She chose to be in the church because obedience was protection. Obedience was freedom. Caring for Winnie was elevating and refining. Serving Gotte and doing her best to be a disciple of Jesus was happiness.
Nae. She wasn’t going to mention any of that to Ivy.
Winnie reached out for Esther, and Esther scooped Winnie into her arms and planted a kiss on her cheek. Her heart softened toward Ivy just a little. Ivy had brought Winnie into her life. “Come inside,” she said. “I’ll make you some pancakes.”
Ivy relaxed her posture and grinned. “With bananas?”
“Of course.”
Ivy’s grin widened into a delighted smile. “You used to sneak chocolate chips into the pancake batter when Mamm wasn’t looking. For me. Just for me.”
That was a gute memory. Even though Esther didn’t like chocolate, Ivy adored chocolate chip pancakes, and Esther had once loved nothing better than to make her schwester smile. In earlier days, she and Ivy were like one soul living in two bodies. They loved each other like only sisters could. “I happen to have some chocolate chips. I could make chocolate chip banana pancakes with maple syrup and powdered sugar.”
Ivy clapped her hands together. “Yes, please.”
“And a glass of milk.” Ivy needed calcium.
They strolled into the house, and Esther set Winnie in the high chair while she made pancakes. Ivy sat at the table and cooed at Winnie while playing with her hands and watching her pound on the high chair tray.
“Remember when you tried to teach me how to make biscuits?” Ivy said.
“I hated making biscuits. I was hoping you’d take over that job for me.”
Ivy shook her head. “I couldn’t learn. Fletcher always said I was too dumb.”
Esther set a paper plate and a plastic fork in front of Ivy. She tucked a second plastic fork behind her ear. You never knew when you were going to need another fork. “You are not dumm. Our dear brother Fletcher barely paid attention to either of us. He doesn’t know how smart you are, and he certainly doesn’t know how to make biscuits.”
“It was too much work to learn how to do it. Easier to let you do it for me.”
Esther gave Ivy a wry smile. “Much easier for you.”
Ivy giggled. “I got away with a lot when we were younger. Maybe too much.” Esther glanced at her sister in surprise. Her admission was one of the most honest responses Esther had heard from her in four days.
Esther wasn’t sure why, but she wanted to make Ivy feel better about it. She shrugged. “It’s okay. I was annoyed about the biscuits, but I didn’t stay mad.”
Ivy looked down at her hands. “Mamm didn’t think I was very smart either.”
“You’re plenty smart,” Esther scolded. “Don’t ever think you’re not smart enough.”
“Jordan told me I was smart—mostly that I have a smart mouth.”
Esther flipped a pancake on the griddle. “You were smart enough to figure out how to avoid doing your chores. Smart enough to convince Mamm or me to do them for you.” She said it with a smile so Ivy knew she bore her no ill will. At least none that she wanted Ivy to see.
Ivy rested her elbow on the table and propped her chin in her hand. “You’re the smart one, Esther. You knew how to do everything—make bread, milk the cow, spell hard words. That’s why the boys liked you and ignored me.”
Esther cocked an eyebrow. “I don’t remember any boys ignoring you.”
“They only talked to me to get your attention. Mamm and Dat loved you, Esther. They never expected anything from me. They thought I was helpless.”
“They didn’t think you were helpless.”
“I’m not like you, Esther. I could never live by myself, let alone support a baby. I need a man to take care of me.”
Esther bit her bottom lip. She had never known Ivy to let her guard down like this. “Ivy, you are more capable than you think. You have many talents and abilities.”
Ivy gave Esther a sharp look. “Name one.”
“Name one what?”
“Name one talent I have,” Ivy said, daring Esther with her eyes.
Esther held her breath. For many years, she’d thought of Ivy with nothing but resentment. At the moment, she found it impossible to come up with one gute quality her sister possessed. Oy, anyhow. What kind of a person couldn’t think of one nice thing to say about her schwester?
Esther dug deep and prayed for immediate wisdom. “You . . . you are a wonderful gute singer.”
Ivy snorted her derision. “A lot of good that does me.”
Esther’s mind raced as she flipped two pancakes onto Ivy’s plate. “You love animals. Remember when you fed those kittens in our barn? You cried when the cow got his shots. And you could skip rope more times in a row than anyone in school.” Granted, these were all events that had happened before Ivy turned twelve, but it was something. In their adolescence, Esther and Ivy had been the dearest of friends. Ivy had needed Esther, and Esther had loved being the big sister Ivy could look up to.
Ivy gazed at Esther as if she truly cared what Esther had to say. Esther felt like a young girl again, hiding under the blankets and whispering stories to Ivy to keep her from being scared of the dark. Esther cleared her throat, not sure how vulnerable she wanted to be with her thoughtless sister. “You loved me no matter what.” At least when she was little.
Ivy concentrated very hard on pouring syrup on her pancake. “Those aren’t talents. Those are emotions. I can’t support myself with emotions. I need someone to take care of me. I always have.”
Esther furrowed her brow. “But why someone like Jordan?”
“Jordan doesn’t care that my teeth are crooked or that I’m not smart. He loves me. He does his best to take care of me.”
“He’s not nice to you, Ivy.” She pointed to Ivy’s collarbone. “He hits you. That isn’t love.”
Ivy gave Esther a look that could have peeled the bright pink polish off Ivy’s fingernails. “What do you know about love?”
Esther didn’t back down. Ivy knew very well that Jordan’s behavior was inexcusable. “I know that if you truly love someone, you would never intentionally hurt them. I know that love is kind and forgiving and humble. I know that love never makes you feel afraid or lost or trapped.”
“It’s not that simple,” Ivy said,
as if she was trying to convince herself more than trying to persuade Esther. “Mamm and Dat used to argue with each other. Sometimes Dat slept on the sofa in the front room. Once Mamm was so mad at Dat she threw a plate across the kitchen.”
“Every couple has disagreements, but it’s not okay to hit or do violence to anyone.”
“You just don’t understand.” Ivy pressed her palm against her forehead. “I ran off with Mike, then he dumped me. Julio lasted about three months. Alan was around for a while, but only because I made good tips as a waitress. Jordan was the only one who wanted me. Now I got nothing. Nobody.”
Esther hated to commit herself or volunteer for something she’d later regret, but her sister needed her and she wouldn’t turn her back. “Well, you’ve got me, and I’m going to take care of you, little sis, at least until you can get yourself into a better situation.” She shook her spatula at Ivy. “And I don’t mean getting back with Jordan or finding someone equally horrible. You deserve better than Jordan. Everybody deserves better than Jordan. Believe me, being alone is a hundred times better than being with that whiny baby Jordan.”
Ivy took a bite of pancake and cracked a smile. “Whiny baby? You don’t even know him.”
Esther made her voice lower and talked through her nose. “‘Oh, Ivy, the crying baby is making my head hurt. I’m going to get a nosebleed.’”
Ivy giggled. “Yep. That’s about how he talks.” Her smile faded. “Right before he smacks me around.”
Esther pinned her with a serious look. “You don’t have to do it anymore, Ivy.”
Ivy pushed the last of her pancake around with her fork. “But what else can I do? I’m not fit to do anything to earn money, and I can’t stay here. I’ve only been here four days, and I’m already going crazy with boredom. You don’t even have a TV. I can barely stand it. At least Jordan could show me a good time when he had the money.”
Esther wasn’t offended in the least. It didn’t take much to guess that Ivy’s “good time” ended with her arm wrapped around a toilet bowl while she waited to throw up the contents of her stomach. “I can’t believe you would say such a thing,” Esther teased. “I make quilts and bottle fruit and play pickleball. I change diapers, wipe Winnie’s drool, and go to church. If that’s not a good time, I don’t know what is.” It didn’t hurt to remind Ivy about the burdens of taking care of a baby.
The Amish Quiltmaker's Unexpected Baby Page 15
