The Love and Loss of Joshua James

by Danni Roan

  The young man had seemed happy to be back in the company of the men he’d ridden with on the trail from Missouri, but he never seemed to want to stay in one place too long, and he avoided the women altogether. For such a young man, he seemed skittish with the opposite sex.

  “You don’t mind the Leone’s bein’ here do you?” Joshua asked.

  “No, I don’t mind them, but women make me nervous.” He was quiet for a long time. “I have been keepin’ clear of women folks since I left my Ma’s place when I was thirteen. There weren’t no livin’ with that woman and I’ll be just as happy ta’ not bother to try on any new ones in the future.”.

  “Well, you’ll have to get used to these ones eventually, but for now you can head to Texas and see what life’s like down there.” He shook his head slightly but didn’t question the younger man further. Everyone had their own stories and Stevens had a right to keep his.

  “When should I start?” the young man asked.

  “I figure this next week should be good. We’ll set out about two weeks after and should be able to make the trip back in a little more than a month.”

  “Sounds good, Mr. Joshua. I’m just glad to have a place to come home to.” He reached out his hand and shook Joshua’s.

  “So you’ll be going soon?” Cammy walked out to the table they left sitting in the yard all the time now and placed a plate of cookies down.

  “Yes, a few more weeks and we’ll head south.”

  “Are you worried about going?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Will you go with everyone?”

  “I’ll have to, it’ll be my brother and it’s my hair-brained scheme.”

  “What about the girls?”

  Joshua ran a hand through his thatch of pale blonde hair. “I hate to leave them, but we can’t take them on a cattle drive.”

  “Katie’s not going to be happy about that.”

  Joshua craned his neck to where his oldest daughter was helping Billy and Mrs. Leone in the garden. “I’m afraid she’s going to have to,” he said. “I’d be grateful if you’d help look after them.” He turned his ice-blue eyes to her and found only understanding in her dark ones.

  Cammy reached out a hand, laying it over his. “I’ll look after those girls as if they were my own.”

  “Thank you,” he said quietly, pulling his hand away. “You’re very kind to them.”

  Cammy pulled her hand back, curling it in her lap. She knew she’d been bold, but something told her she was running out of time.

  Silently she rose to her feet. “I’ll see you this evening.” She spoke softly and walked away to join her mother and the girls.

  “Cammy, pull up that carrot, and let’s see how it’s coming along,” Bianca said, speaking to her daughter in her mother-tongue.

  Camilla bent, grasped the green leaf at the base, and pulled a very small carrot from the ground. “It’s not very big,” she said, “I think it will come along though before winter.”

  Bianca laughed. “We’ll have a bounty by then.”

  For a while, they worked together in silence, but Bianca noted how her daughter watched Joshua as he moved about the farm, doing his work.

  “You must have faith, daughter,” Bianca spoke once again in Italian. “He’ll come around.”

  Cammy blushed bright red. “Mother,” she stuttered, making her mother smile. “You know?”

  “Of course I know.” She leaned over and kissed her daughter on the cheek. “What is meant to be will be.”

  “Cammy,” Meg called “will you sing?”

  Cammy laughed but lifted her voice in song, a soft, easy tune that she’d learned in New York, cheerful and a bit silly. Meg joined in and together they kept the others smiling throughout their chores.

  “THANK YOU FOR A WONDERFUL meal,” Benji spoke, nodding solemnly toward Mrs. Leone, who had taken over most of the cooking duties with her daughter. He rose and stepped outside, gazing across the prairie.

  Darkness still brought the empty feeling he’d had for such a long time. Looking off across the prairie, his soul seemed to settle. It was a strange peace he’d found in this green place.

  “You ready to ride next week?” Joshua asked, walking out next to his best friend.

  “I’ll be ready,” Benji smiled.

  “I’m glad you’re here with me, Ben.”

  “Can’t think of anywhere else I’d be.”

  The door opened and closed again and Benji stretched. “I’m turnin’ in, Josh,” he said, winking at Cammy and heading for his sod shack.

  “Joshua?” Cammy’s voice was soft.

  “Would you like to walk?” Joshua asked. He enjoyed her company and felt it couldn’t do any harm since he’d be on the trail in a few days.

  Together they shuffled along the beaten path between the soddy and the barn, moving toward the sound of the brook in the distance.

  A soft breeze ruffled the grass and rattled the leaves of a clump of locust trees by the stream.

  “It’s a beautiful evening,” Cammy said awkwardly, smoothing her skirt as she looked out across the prairie.

  In the field, the horses grazed and the young foal pranced around his mother, making Cammy smile. “Life can be beautiful,” she said, not thinking.

  Joshua looked up, his brows pinched together as he met her eyes.

  Something coiled around Cammy’s heart and she took his hands in hers. “Joshua,” her eyes were bright as they searched his face. “You know I love your girls.” She swallowed, her hands trembling slightly, and he squeezed, trying to give her some strength.

  “I don’t just care for those girls, though.” Her voice shook a little, but she carried on, “I hope that somehow you might feel something for me.”

  Joshua turned away, his heart in his throat. There was no doubt he felt something for Camilla. Not only was she beautiful, but she was also sweet and kind and good to his girls.

  “I’m sorry,” he whispered only to have her step around him, looking him in the eye.

  “Why? Why are you sorry?”

  “Camilla, I can’t. I have no right.”

  Camilla leaned forward, looking up into his face as she grasped his upper arm in her hands. Strong muscles rippled under her fingers and a shiver ran up her arms.

  “Are you cold?” Joshua asked, making her laugh.

  “No, I’m not cold, I’m confused.”

  Joshua drew a deep breath. “Cammy, I have no right to love again. As fond as I am of you, I’ve already cost one woman her life. I’ll never do that again.”

  “So, you killed your first wife?” Cammy barked, pulling her hands away from him placing them on her hips.

  “No, but it’s my fault. I should never have brought her west. We should have stayed in the East where she was safe.” His shoulders slumped under the weight of his confession.

  “You believe that if you hadn’t come west she would have survived?”

  “Yes, it was too much. She was pregnant and it was too much.”

  “I’m glad you know exactly what would have happened if you’d have stayed,” she said sharply. “It’s wonderful to meet a man who’s all-knowing.” Her eyes flashed fire in the rays of the setting sun. “I’m sure God is very pleased that you have it all worked out.”

  “What? What’s God got to do with it?” Joshua balked, trying to follow her thinking.

  “Well, it’s obvious that you understand the mind of God and know that you forced your lovely Bridgette to come west, ensuring her death.”

  “I didn’t mean to,” Joshua agreed.

  Cammy moved up to him again, placing her hands on his face and making him look at her. “Joshua. You are no more than a man. Who are you to question why God let Bridgette go home to glory?”

  She studied his face, her eyes soft and understanding. “Joshua James, you must find it in your heart to forgive yourself.” She brushed the side of his face affectionately. “You can’t take on the responsibility for what you can’t control
.”

  Joshua shook his head, even as it rested in her hands.

  “Why would God let me love you if it was wrong?” Her question shot to his heart and he closed his eyes, drawing strength from the warmth of her hands on his face.

  Gently he placed his hands on hers and sighed. “I don’t know,” he confessed.

  “Sometimes we don’t know, Joshua, sometimes we just have to believe that we are where we are because that’s where we’re supposed to be.” She leaned, in brushing her lips against his.

  Joshua allowed himself to lean into the warmth Camilla offered. Guilt still wriggled in his chest, but it slowly seemed to ease.

  Finally, he pulled back. “I can’t promise anything.” His voice was rough.

  “There are no guarantees in this world, Joshua; we’ll just take it a day at a time.” She smiled sweetly, reaching down and taking his hand and walking out across the dark prairie. “We’ll take today and see what comes tomorrow, but I know my heart and it already belongs to you.”

  Joshua let Camilla lead him forward by the hand, like a child. Her words gave him hope and he lifted his eyes and heart to heaven. His girls deserved someone who could love as easily as Cammy, even if he didn’t.

  “I know you still feel broken now, Joshua James, but you must find your joy in the morning.” She wrapped her arm through his, feeling the heat and strength of him. She’d never been attracted to a man the way she was now. It was a relief that her mother understood.

  “We’d better turn back,” Joshua spoke, his voice soft and his step steady.

  Camilla prayed it was a sign that he was willing to let his heart and soul heal. She’d take the pieces of his battered heart. If she could, she’d swap her heart to take his pain. Instead, she squeezed his arm.

  At the door of the little soddy she still shared with her parents, Joshua stopped. He was silent for a long time before lifting her hand to his lips. “I’ll try,” he said, and she knew he meant it. “And I’ll pray.”

  The sod shack was dark and silent when Joshua entered. In the corner closest to the cookstove, his three little girls slept, curled in peaceful slumber on their little cots.

  Joshua’s bed had been pushed up against the back wall near a tiny window with rough shutters and it seemed especially large and empty.

  As he stood listening, he could just hear Billy’s soft snoring on a hard mat he’d made up for himself by the door. Billy had been a blessing he’d never expected and although sometimes crotchety, he’d shown kindness to all in need.

  Joshua placed his hat on a peg by the door and silently walked to his bed, tumbling in fully dressed and only pushing his boots off with his toes as his body sank into the thick ticking.

  It had been a long time since he’d prayed, truly prayed. He wasn’t angry with God; he’d just given up on trying, but now he needed guidance unlike any ever before. His heart and his head were at war and only divine intervention could put them together again.

  For his anger endureth but a moment; in his favor is life: weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning (Psalm 30:5) echoed through his mind, making Joshua wonder if he could find joy. He thought of his daughters, about their need for a mother. Still, he felt guilty when he thought of letting his heart love again.

  He lay awake for hours, thinking and arguing with himself, but each time the verse grew louder in his mind. He had to give in, he had to trust that God would see him through. As the silence of a prairie night engulfed his new home, a nightingale lifted its voice in song, wrapping him in peace.

  Chapter 20

  “ARE YOU SPARKIN’ MY Pa?” Katie asked Camilla as they watched Spider frolic in the fields.

  Cammy turned, looking at the girl with surprised eyes, but smiled anyway. “I think so,” she replied, “Now how did you ever hear that word?”

  “Billy was talking to Uncle Brion out in the barn. I didn’t mean to listen but I was practicin’ how to saddle a horse in one of the stalls.”

  “I see.” Camilla studied the girl for a minute. “Would you mind if I were sparking with your Pa?”

  Katie turned serious eyes toward the woman. Her pale green eyes were intense with thought. “Pa’s been awful sad since Mam died,” she started. “He seems happier when he’s with you.” Her eyes never wavered from Cammy’s face. “I think it’s all right,” she stated.

  Cammy let out a breath she had been holding. “I’ll try to do my best for all of you,” she said.

  “Well, I’m all right without a Ma, but I think Fiona needs one and Meg’s kinda wild, ya know, so she’ll be a lot of work if you marry Pa.”

  Cammy smiled again, her heart softening further toward this little girl who seemed to believe she had to be all grown up already. “I have a present for you,” Cammy said. “Would you like to see it?”

  “Yes, thank you,” Katie said, her pale green eyes brightening with excitement as she turned and followed Cammy into the soddy.

  “Your pa said you skinned your knee out riding with him the other day, so I thought you might be better off wearing something like this.” She pulled a small pair of britches out of a basket full of sewing. “What do you think?”

  Katie smiled, her whole face shining with joy. “That’s about the best present I’ve ever had!” She said gleefully. “Wait ‘til I tell Pa.”

  Cammy chuckled. Maybe it wasn’t conventional for girls to wear trousers, but here in this wild land, it seemed that anything was possible and that you should always grab whatever chance you had at success. Besides, the girl was all knees and growing so fast, keeping them covered would be a full-time job.

  She handed Katie the dark blue pants and pulled out a long shirt she’d cut down for the girl. “Try this with it,” she said and watched as Katie stripped down and pulled the new clothes on. She was just buttoning the top button on the shirt when she turned worried eyes to Cammy.

  “What about Meg?” she queried. “She’ll feel left out if I get something new?”

  Cammy pulled a second pair of pants and a shirt from the basket. “I thought the same thing,” she stated, tapping Katie on the nose. “I guess great minds do think alike.” She winked, making the young girl smile. “Now go show your pa.”

  Two weeks later, Joshua, Benji, and Brion were preparing to leave for Texas. The weather was warm and the sky was clear. They’d checked their gear several times, organized supplies and horses, and hoped for a quick trip south.

  “How’s everyone set here?” Joshua asked. “You fellas gonna be all right without us?”

  “We’re well stocked, Josh,” Isadoro said, “and we’re on the rounds for the troops to check on.”

  Joshua turned to see his brother-in-law staring off toward the far mountains. His eyes fixed on a low rise that stretched toward the foothills. Brion was so intent, he didn’t move when Josh stepped up beside him, rifle ready.

  Squinting, Joshua could just make out movement along the ridge, but couldn’t tell what it was.

  “Brion?” he questioned, but Brion didn’t reply. Instead, he grabbed the nearest horse, swung into the saddle, and went charging off across the prairie, racing the wind.

  “Where’s Brion goin’?” Deeks asked, walking up beside Joshua, “I just got the last horse shod.”

  “I don’t know,” Joshua replied, confused by his brother-in-law’s behavior. He watched Brion’s big, red horse practically fly up the hill, then skid to a stop as a pinto pony ambled out of the trees, followed by several more.

  “Indians!” Billy barked, reaching for his long rifle where it rested against the barn. “What’s Brion doing with Indians?” he asked, lining up next to Joshua.

  One by one, everyone moved to stand behind the small group, each nervously watching the procession of horses and riders head back toward them.

  “Uncle Brion’s holdin’ hands with that woman, Pa,” Katie called, pointing with a giggle.

  Joshua was surprised to see that it was true, and scratched his temple in wonder, setting hi
s hat askew.

  A few minutes later Brion rode up to the group, still holding hands with the petite, black-haired woman on the pinto pony.

  “Joshua, folks, I’d like to introduce you to Winnie, my wife,” he said, grinning, then nearly fell off the back of his horse as he began to laugh at the shocked expressions on their faces.

  “Bri-on Blakely, you are bad man,” the woman said, shaking loose of his hand and slipping from the back of her horse. “I am Wynonna and I am his wife,” she said. Her dark eyes were kind and patient and full of mischief.

  “This is my brother’s tribe.” She swept a hand behind her, indicating a group of bedraggled men dressed in buckskins. “They live in the hills and need some few supplies if you can spare them.”

  “Welcome.” Joshua found his voice as he pushed his surprise and confusion aside. “Step down and we’ll talk.”

  “Where’s your brother, then?” Brion asked, slipping from his horse and placing an arm possessively around Winnie’s shoulders as he studied the other men.

  “My brother is no more, but at least these men are wise and will settle and make a home in the mountains now.”

  Brion pulled her close. “I’m sorry for ye,” he said, his voice full of compassion.

  “I’m afraid I’ll not be going with ye,” Brion said some hours later as he sat drinking coffee with Joshua. “Winnie and I are going to the fort with these braves, then we’ll head back up to the cabin we stayed in this winter.” He blushed slightly, but no one judged him.

  “I’ll miss you, Brion, but I can’t say I don’t understand.” Joshua’s eyes strayed to Cammy, where she sat telling stories to the girls. “I think I’ll have some business at the fort when we return myself.” He smiled softly as Cammy lifted her head and grinned.

  “I’ll go ‘long,” Billy spoke up. “Reckon you’ll need someone who knows which side of a skillet is up for cookin,’ anyway.”

  The group laughed, the atmosphere suddenly relaxed.

  ON THEIR WALK THAT night, Joshua took Cammy’s hand in his and turned to look at her lovely face. “I don’t have much to offer,” he began, sinking into the depths of her warm brown eyes, “but I’ll do my best to make you happy if you’ll have me.” He paused, but Cammy didn’t respond, sensing he had more to say.