by Amy Davies
I turn away from the monitor and look at Dex; tears fall from his face. My heart breaks all over again. The fear of him walking away from me is too much. A loud sob breaks from my chest, making Dex look at me. His eyes are filled with pain and hate. Hate for me.
“The baby looks fine, Addison. The umbilical cord is flowing freely. I think you may have just had a small period. Some women bleed all the way through the pregnancy. Would you like to find out the sex of the baby?” Without breaking eye contact we both answer, “Yes.”
“Well, congratulations, you are having a baby girl.”
“I knew. I could feel it.” I peel my eyes away from Dex and look at the monitor again. Dex hasn’t touched me throughout the scan. And that fact alone makes my heart crumble to ashes.
This is my fault. My reasons were right for me. I just hope the thick headed arse listens to what I have to say before he walks away.
Addy is having my baby. A baby I knew fuck all about until her friend Lauren phoned me and told me to get to the hospital. My heart was breaking at the horrific thoughts that raced through my head. I thought I was going to lose her, like I had lost Fiona. But seeing her broken in that hospital bed, thinking the worst of our baby, almost killed me. The emotions running through my veins at the moment is enough to send me into a raging fit. I can’t fucking believe she hid this from me. My baby - our daughter. She asked me to let her explain before I walked away from her, but I can tell you now, I am fighting with myself just to stay in this room with her.
“Dex.” I don’t turn around. I keep staring out the window. We have been here for an hour now. They are keeping Ads in overnight to monitor her and my baby. The bleeding and cramping has stopped, but they just want to make sure.
“Dexter, we need to talk.” I spin around, my anger growing.
“Talk? Talk? Are you fucking kidding me? The time to talk would have been twenty fucking weeks ago when you found out you were carrying my baby. We have talked and text so much over the last few weeks. You had a plenty of fucking chances to tell me I am going to be a dad. I never thought you would do this to me, Addison.” I spit out her full name. Tears run down her face but I ignore them. I need to cling to my hate for her right now.
“Hang the fuck on. Who the fuck do you think you are speaking to her like that? Yeah, she should have told you about the baby. Believe me, I tried getting her to do it. But I know her reasons and before you go half cocked and start spouting bullshit at her, you need to sit down and let her explain. Otherwise, see that little baby bump she is carrying?” I nod my head. “That will be the last baby that you ever father. Because believe me you big fucker, I will chop off your dick and feed it to you, then you can brag that you have in fact had a dick in your arse when you are shitting it back out. Am I making myself clear?”
“You’re a mouthy bitch, huh?”
“Dexter!” Addy yells at me. The woman’s husband just smirks at me like he knows a dark secret about his girl.
“Hurt her again and you will see how much of a bitch I can be, boy,” she threatens me. She takes a step forward, but her man stops her. I chuckle and turn to look at Addy, who is playing with the edge of the blanket covering her lower body. Silent tears roll down her cheeks and my gut knots up. I am torn over hating her and wanting to pull her into my arms to comfort her and never let her go. But she fucking hurt me. She kept my unborn baby from me. Fucking shit.
“You two can go. We need to talk.” I dismiss her friends like they are nothing. Even though I know they have been there to support her though this. Addy still isn’t acknowledging the room. She is lost in her little world, sitting on the hospital bed, looking like a little lost child.
“I’m sorry mate, but we aren’t leaving her. If you think we are going to leave her alone with you, you have another thing coming. You can clearly see that she is upset and you are going to make it worse for her. She needs one hundred percent rest. No stress. When you’ve calmed down and had time to process this, you and Addy can sit down and talk about this - calmly. It’s what she needs. What that baby girl needs.” I get what he is saying, but I need to hear it from Addy now. I will go fucking crazy if I don’t know why she did this to me. Here I was thinking that we had moved on from all our issues. Fuck, that was one big fucking lie.
“Nah, mate. You can both leave. I am calm and we will talk about this now. I will not do anything that will harm Addy or my baby. This is between us. Thank you for looking after her and bringing her here, but this is about us,” I state, not looking away from him. He needs to understand this is my family, even if it is a bit fucked up at the moment. He shakes his head at me and walks over to the bed. He touches Addy’s knee and she looks up at him, the small smile on her face is forced. That one small smile almost breaks my resolve, but I stand my ground.
“If you need anything just text and I will bring it here for you. Love you, Ads.” He fucking didn’t.
“Don’t call her that,” I snap. All three of them whip their heads in my direction.
“Dex, don’t,” Addy whispers.
“I am the only one that calls you that and you fucking know it,” I grind out. The bloke nods his head in understanding.
“Prick,” the woman mutters under her breath, but I heard it loud and clear, which is probably what she wanted. “I don’t want to leave you with him.”
“He won’t hurt me,” Addy says, in a barely there voice. This is not my Addy. My Addy would be giving me a fucking mouthful of abuse for treating her and her friends this way. I have hurt her and I am not sure how to handle this shit anymore. It isn’t just us anymore.
“Fine. I am warning you, fucker. I get word from her that you hurt her and I am coming for your cock and balls.”
“I think your husband and your girl here would have a big problem with you coming on my cock and balls, love.” I smirk at her. Her face gets red with anger, only making me laugh more.
“Don’t twist my words, fucknut.” She turns to Addy and kisses her head. “Call me if you need anything, okay?” Addy nods her head and they leave the room.
The tension builds in the room, it’s almost suffocating. Addy refuses to look at me so I stay by the window, giving us space. My phone dings in my pocket and I know that it is Jay or Liam. I ran out of Castle Ink like my arse was on fire but didn’t tell them anything. I ignore it and look back to where Addy is sitting on the bed. They did the ultrasound to have a look at the baby but they wanted to monitor her heartbeat as well, so Addy has two thick bands around her bump, holding two discs in place, checking my girl’s heart rate.
Fuck me, I am having a daughter.
“Addy.” She looks over at me from under her wet lashes, her gaze guts me but she doesn’t speak. Her body tenses when I start to walk over to the bed and stand at the bottom, gripping the rail. My knuckles turn white with the force of my grip.
“I’m sorry, Dex.” Her voice is barely a whisper.
“Why didn’t you tell me? No beating around the bush, give it to me straight. You can’t hurt me anymore than you have today.” I regret my words as soon I say them. Fucking hell, I can’t catch a fucking break here. Her head snaps up to look at me. Hurt and regret fill her eyes. I close my eyes and take a deep breath.
“Welcome to my world,” is all she says. I look back at her and her eyes are locked on mine, I see my Addy slipping through. I smirk.
“Okay, I deserved that. Why?” I ask again.
“I was always going to tell you. Tonight in fact; when you came over. You have hurt me for years, Dex, and before you jump down my throat and accuse me of not telling you just to hurt you like you hurt me, I would never do something like that and if you think I would, then you don’t know me well enough.
“These past few weeks have been amazing. Us talking for hours on the phone, the texts back and forth made my day. I felt special. Me. Fucking special. I have never needed a man to make me feel special. But I was finally getting to see the Dex I fell in love with and he was seeing me for me. Not a
little girl who he hated because she had feelings for him. I needed to know that you were over Fi and that you wanted to be with me, for me. Not because of her.” She says the last part softly, while touching her bump.
“I never hated you,” I say.
“Maybe not, but it felt like it most of the time. I needed to put me and the baby first. You have rejected me so many times, Dex. I needed to make sure that you wanted to be a dad at least. It would have killed me if you walked away from me, but I would have handled it. But I wanted to make sure that you wanted her. You can’t be angry at me for that.” Fuck, she has me there. Why the fuck does she have to be right all the time? My chest aches at her words. I made her like this; I made her doubt me as a boyfriend and as a father-to-be. Fiona would kick my arse if she could. I bet she is turning in her grave. She knew I have always wanted kids and now here I am, twenty weeks or so from meeting my baby girl. And I am so fucking pissed at her mum for keeping her from me.
“I should have been told in the beginning, Ads. I get what you are saying but don't you think it was my decision just as much as yours? I would never turn my back on you or our baby. You should have told me.”
“We are never going to agree on the reasons why the decision was made. I think I did the right thing for me, you don’t. Well tough fucking shit, Dex, the decision was mine and I made it. Now we need to move on. Now our baby girl is coming soon. I have to get shit sorted. You can either be in her life or not, but if you walk away now, don’t come back. It is now or never, Dex.”
“There she is.” I smile at her. Addy frowns at me.
“What? There who is?” she asks.
“My Addy.” Her eyes go wide at my answer.
“But I am not your Addy, though, am I?” She quirks a perfect brow at me.
“No?”
“No, Dex. You have made that clear by the way you have spoken to me. I am not a fucking door mat. If you want me then say it, don’t beat around the bush, give it to me straight. I can handle it.” She throws my words back at me. Mouthy little witch. My mouthy witch.
“You say I hurt you, but you have hurt me back. You have had time to get used to the idea of being a parent, I haven't. You have to give me time. I need to work through a few things. Maybe we can work through things slowly. Take one day at a time, until I have had time to process all this.” I wave at her baby bump.
“So, I have to sit and wait around for you to decide if you want me or just the baby?”
“I need time, Ads,” I tell her. My frustration growing.
“Time? I needed fucking time, Dexter, and you begged me to come home. You got pissy with me when I refused to come home. I was dealing with this-” I cut her off.
“Well, now I need time to deal with this. I have just found out I am going to be a father for fucks sake. Give me a break here.” I turn and walk over to the window again. The night has crept in and the city lights glow in the darkness. I take a deep breath, calming myself down. I don’t want to say anything I will regret. Plus, I don’t want to get Addy more worked up; it isn’t good for her or our baby girl. I know that I want Addy and our baby girl. But I need to wrap my head around all of this. I need to talk to Jay and Liam, they will help me deal with this. I know that they will support both mine and Addy’s decision. Her keeping the baby from me stings, but I do see a small part of why she did it. Fuck.
I reach up and squeeze the back of my neck, the tension pulling at the muscles. I need to hit something. I need to get a sparring session in with Luke. That guy is epic in the ring. I swear if he wasn’t a talented tattoo artist he would be a professional MMA fighter. I turn to look back at Addy and she is playing with her phone.
“Who are you talking to?”
“Lauren.” I pull a face, not knowing who that is. “The mouthy bitch. My best friend.” That little jab hurts. Me, Jay and Liam were always her best friends. It was always the four of us growing up.
“What are you telling her? Telling her to come and cut my cock and balls off?” She laughs a small laugh but stops herself.
“No. I am holding her off for your sake. My daughter needs her dad.” Daughter. Makes my heart flutter every time I hear it.
“Well, thank you for that. Listen, I’m gonna go. You need your rest and I need to get rid of this tension in my body. I -”
“Wow. Same old Dexter-fucking-Castle. Just go, Dex. Me and your daughter will be fine here.” She grinds out the word daughter just for added effect.
“That’s not what I meant, but if you want to help with that, here I am.” I smirk at her.
“Captain Twat,” she mutters under her breath. Fuck, I have missed that.
“I meant I need to arrange a sparring session with Luke. He fights like a beast. I will come by tomorrow. If you need anything just text me and I will get it. Are you okay, if I tell the boys?” She shrugs and looks away. What is she hiding?
“Tell me,” I demand.
“Tell you what?” she asks, innocently.
“What you are hiding. Now, Ads.”
“You can’t get mad. Shit, who am I kidding, of course you are going to get mad.”
“Tell me.”
“Liam knows. He saw me at the hospital. I made him promise not to tell you until I was ready.” She looks down at her phone again, twisting it in her hands.
“He fucking knew and didn’t say anything? I saw him the other day, I was happy for him and Penny and their baby. And he knew all along that you were hiding my fucking baby from me.”
“I- I kinda threatened him.” She is back to whispering.
“With what?”
“I told him I would never forgive him if he told you. I wouldn’t speak to him again. This is on me, Dex, not Liam.” Damn fucking right it is on her, but he is a fucking man and a father at that. He should have told me and dealt with her petty threats later. He should have known damn well that she wouldn’t stand by them. I turn and pick my hoodie up off the chair and stalk to the door. Before I walk out of the room, I look back once more at the woman carrying my baby. The woman that has held my heart for so long. The woman who knows how to fucking destroy me.
“I have to go. I need to get my head straight. Rest up.” I ignore the tears and walk out of the room, leaving a part of me in there with her.
Fucking shit to high heaven. I need a drink and to hit something.
Yesterday was one of the scariest days of my life. The thought of losing my baby was heartbreaking. I feel for every parent that has to go through losing a child. I rub my bump, sending positive vibes that she is okay in there. A daughter. I am having a daughter. Well, we are. I know I hurt Dex, and I understand that he needs time to get his head around everything that I laid on him yesterday. I also need to deal with Lauren. That bitch had no right phoning him; it was my place to tell him. But, then again, I am glad she did. Fuck, my head is fried with everything that is happening. I feel the baby move and tears spring to my eyes. Shit, I hate crying. Dex isn’t here to feel it with me. It’s only recently that I have felt her move. The first time I cried so hard I almost threw up. Dex is missing this and it is my fault.
I thought he would come to visit me today, but I guess he is still hating me for what I did. I have thought so much this morning about texting him and asking how he is, but I’ve held off. He said he needed time, so I will give him time. I am not going to force him to be with me, but I want him in the baby’s life. She deserves her father. She didn’t do anything wrong, it is us that has caused all the pain. Placing my hands over my belly, I sit and feel my daughter move in there, trying to make herself comfortable. I chuckle at the feeling. Even if Dex wants nothing to do with us, I will be the best mum this little girl will ever have. Little girl. Shit, my daughter needs a name. I reach for my phone and open the Google app and type in ‘girl’s names’.
The website loads and I start scrolling through the names. A few jump out at me but nothing solid. I need to work out if the baby will have my surname or Dex’s.
Cole or Castle.
My phone dings as I am scrolling through, so I make a quick mental note of where I am on the page – the letter P – and check to see who has text me. My heart spikes and my body warms when I see Dex’s name.
Dex: How are you feeling?
Do I be bitchy that he didn’t check on me sooner? Or should I play nice?
Me: Fine.
Dex: Just fine? How is our girl?
Me: Fine. She moved this morning.
Dex: Fuck!!!!!
Me: ??
Dex: I fucking missed it. What else have I fucking missed?
I knew he would find a way to take a shot at me. This is typical Dex. He says that he forgives you but he slyly takes pot shots at you. Bastard.
Me: Don’t start Dex. I don’t need this right now. If you are going to be a dickhead, then you can fuck off and not talk to me.
Dex: You can’t be a bitch to me, Ads. You did this. You kept this from me.
Jesus fuck, it starts ringing. I see his face pop up and hit the ‘decline’ button. He can bollocks off if he thinks I am talking to him. If he wants answers he can get his tight, sexy arse down here and speak to me face to face. He rings again and again…
“Decline,” I sing the word as I hit the button, laughing to myself.
Google loads back up and I see that one name again. I say the name with my surname and Dex’s. I have to say, the name sounds fab with both of our names. I suppose we'll see how all this mess plays out. My phone rings yet again and I smile when I see his face on the screen. I answer it this time.
“Yes?”
“Addison,” he growls.
