Fashionably Dead in Diapers

by Robyn Peterman

  "Alright, Pretty Boy, spit it out."

  "You're going to find most of it very hard to swallow," he said with a raised eyebrow that was so sexy I shut my eyes again.

  "Harder than your fangs and The Kev's wings?"

  "Much."

  "Awesome." I grinned and moaned. "Tell me my story."

  "You asked for it, Astrid," he said as he sat forward and steepled his long fingers beneath his chin.

  "You are correct, Ethan. I did. Now talk."

  ***

  An hour later I was speechless. This felt alien to me, but I had no words. I was back to thinking I was on heavy drugs, completely drunk or caught in a massive nightmare that felt like real life. I pressed on my temples to ward off what felt like a migraine coming on.

  "Have you been smoking crack?" I asked Ethan weakly. "Because it sounded more like a drug trip instead of background info."

  "No—no crack." His smile was grim and his body was tense.

  "Let me get this straight. Satan and God are brothers, and also my uncles. Mother Nature who likes to pole dance, can't cook, and has a deadly temper is my grandmother. I am something called a True Immortal which means I can only be killed with the Sword of Death, but I don't have to worry about it because it's being guarded by Mr. Rogers. The same Mr. Rogers I watched on TV as a child. The one who changed into his tennis shoes and cardigan and sang about being my freakin' neighbor."

  I knew my voice was getting thin and shrill, but this was simply too much.

  "And now you're telling me he plays poker in Hell with Satan and Hemingway and most of them cheat?" I yelled.

  "Um…yes."

  I got up and began pacing the room. Immediately I felt calmer. Movement—movement let me think more clearly. "My cousins are the Seven Deadly Sins and my job in this world is Compassion? This is very hard to believe—very hard."

  "I suppose it does sound a little odd," Ethan admitted generously.

  "Odd?" I shouted. "You think that pile of bull poopy you just fed me sounds odd? I am supposed to believe I'm a Vampyre/ Demon with insane powers? I have immortal relatives who put the D in dysfunctional? I can pop bad guys? Literally pop them? That is freakin' gross. I am a pacifist…I think…but you're telling me I'm a cold-blooded killing machine. I'm having a teeny-weeny identity crisis at the moment. Yet the worst thing is, even though I know I'm married, I want to jump you so bad I can barely see straight. This is a problem. I am not a skank and I will not indulge in extramarital affairs, even if my hoohoo wants to."

  "I think your husband would understand under the circumstances," Ethan said as he watched me like a predator watches prey.

  "You have some nerve, Mr. No-Morals. Just because my va-jay-jay is on fire does not mean I will cheat on my husband, whoever he is. And why in the heck didn't he come with me—or is he too wimpy to go on a deadly mission?"

  Ethan refused to comment, which made me think my husband was a wimp. None of this was making any sense, but in a totally farked up way, it was making a sorry butt load of sense. I needed to push my all-consuming attraction for the Vampyre to the far recesses of my horny brain and get some more information.

  "Was I ever human? Not that I'm buying all this malarkey yet, but I'm curious," I said slowly.

  "Yes," he answered with a hopeful look in his eyes.

  "How old am I?"

  "You're thirty."

  "How old are you?"

  He paused and grimaced. "I'm five hundred and twenty-two."

  Well, that was just ridiculous. I was attracted to a dude who was alive during the Civil War? "Look Ethan, I am beginning to believe some of this, but you have to agree it's a lot to take in."

  He nodded and stayed silent.

  "Where are my fangs?" I asked as I poked around in my mouth.

  "Are you hungry?" he asked.

  "I don't know," I lied as my stomach rumbled loudly.

  "Come here." His voice was soft and commanding. I wanted nothing more than to throw myself at him and sink my teeth into the smooth sexy skin of his neck. Not happening.

  "No," I whispered. "I can't."

  "Why not?" His eyes had gone green again and his fangs had dropped, sending my lady parts into a tailspin.

  "It's just a really bad idea," I choked out as I felt something sharp in my mouth. "Oh my God. I have fangs."

  "You do," he agreed as he approached me.

  "Back off," I warned as I moved toward the door.

  He froze and a look of anguish passed across his face. I didn't want to hurt him. I was so confused it made me shake.

  "The Kev," he yelled harshly. "Get in here. Astrid needs to feed."

  The Kev appeared looking concerned. "What about you?" he asked Ethan.

  "I can wait," he said tersely and left the room.

  "Sorry," I mumbled as I dropped back down on the couch. "He's a little intense."

  "That he is." The Kev grinned and sat down next to me.

  He was almost as pretty as Ethan, but I had no desire to ride him until he was blind. What in the heck was happening to me? My stomach rumbled loudly and I winced in embarrassment. "Um…what do we do here?" I asked.

  "I will give you my wrist. You will bite down and drink," he answered as logically as if I'd asked him about the weather.

  "Will it hurt you?"

  "No, my little krumecaca. It will not hurt me at all."

  "I remember that," I gasped and took his large hand in mine and winced slightly at the pain in my head. "I remember that name."

  "Do you remember anything else?"

  "No," I whispered dejectedly. "Not yet."

  "You will. I promise you will."

  He put his wrist gently to my mouth and I glanced at him timidly. "Are you sure this won't hurt? Will you stop me if I take too much?"

  "It won't hurt and you can't take too much. I am a Fairy. My blood regenerates immediately. Please, drink."

  Strangely, I felt as if I was cheating on the Vampyre. How ridiculous was that? At least I knew now what I was even if I didn't buy that my name was Astrid. I felt like a Melissa or a Kellie. Whatever. The Kev wanted me to drink and I would. Maybe if I was stronger I would regain my memory—or maybe not. I could still help them get the child back and possibly when I was reunited with my husband and my own child or children I would remember…

  With a shudder of worry for The Kev, I opened my mouth and sank my fangs into his wrist. His blood was sweet and delicious and ran with ease down my parched throat. I purred as I drank and my eyelids grew heavy. I'd just drink a bit more and then I'd take a quick nap.

  That sounded like an awesome plan.

  Chapter 10

  Little pitchers have big ears. It's best to remember if you don't want your child to hear what you say, just don't say it because your child will repeat it at school. This is a fact.

  "She's a liability if she can't remember who she is," Ethan said wearily. "She'll have to stay here."

  I kept my eyes closed and feigned sleep so they would keep talking.

  "I agree with you," The Kev said quietly. "I will have some allies come to the cottage this morning to protect her and we will leave within the hour."

  Apparently I'd slept through the night. That was probably good. Today was a new day and these boys were sadly mistaken if they thought I wasn't coming with them. I might not know my name, but I now firmly believed I was a Vampyre/Demon. I wasn't real clear on what I could do, but I was convinced that riding by the seat of my pants would work out just fine. The idea sat well and I figured it was what I'd always done. Plus, I felt an irrational need to find the child. I had no real clue why, but the minute I said it, I knew it was imperative that I find him. No sexy Vamp or sweet Fairy would stop me. Nope, nothing would stop me.

  "How will this work? Ethan asked.

  "No one knows we're here. From what my sources tell me the Dark Fairies are hosting a large reality show competition and it's chaos in Xanthia."

  "Do you realize how ridiculous that sounds?" Ethan inquired.r />
  I couldn't agree more.

  "Yes. Yes, I do. However, it will work to our advantage. My sources…"

  "Who are your sources" Ethan asked tightly.

  The Kev stayed mute and I felt the tension rise.

  "Are they Dark or Light?" he demanded.

  "They are somewhere in between," The Kev said. "I have known The Reggie and The Henry for thousands of years. They want The Corrine gone as much as I do."

  "About that," Ethan stated.

  "You will be used as a distraction," The Kev said firmly. "It's probably a good thing that Astrid remembers nothing. I don't think she would be on board with this plan."

  What was he talking about? Who was The Corrine and what sort of distraction was Ethan going to provide? I was dying to open my eyes and bust the dorks, but satisfaction in the short run wasn't going to help me win in the long haul. My goal was that baby. Period.

  However, if the hot Vampyre thought I would be fine with him using sex to distract the Corrine chick, he had another thing coming. Wait. Why did I even care where the dead dude put his wiener? I was married to a guy named…dangit, why couldn't I remember my husband's name? I knew I had one…I think. The Vampyre could do whatever he wanted with whomever he wanted. I just did not want to see it. I knew if I did I would remove his Johnson and destroy the woman.

  "Does The Corrine know the child is mine?" Ethan asked.

  Whoa Betty, the Vampyre had a kid? It took all I had not to open my eyes and deck Ethan. That married douche canoe had been flirting with me and now I find out he's a daddy? First off, I didn't think dead people could reproduce, and if he had a kid that meant he had a wife. Balls. His wife was probably beautiful and perfect and human. How else could he have a child? Right? That's why my husband had to be human if I had some children. How many rugrats did I have and why in the Hell couldn't I remember them? Whoops, I meant heck—not Hell. Actually, Hell wasn't really a bad word. It was a place and apparently my uncle ran it. That was just heinous.

  "The Corrine and the rest of the ruling Dark Fairies believe the child is Gemma's."

  "Clearly they need some better intel," Ethan hissed. "Can they not tell that the child is Demon and Vampyre?"

  "No, which makes me think Samuel is smarter than we think. He may have cloaked his essence. Maybe Martha and Jane guided him," The Kev said skeptically.

  I peeked through one eyeball and saw the glare of disbelief and disgust that Ethan threw The Kev.

  "It's just a theory," he grunted. "And yes, I was their best intel, but I am no longer theirs."

  "You do realize this is about getting Samuel back—not avenging the attack on Gemma," Ethan said in a deadly quiet voice.

  "They are one and the same," The Kev said just as quietly and equally as deadly. "I will be focused on my godchild and the semi-worthless Vampyres, but I will make sure the threat to my mate is eliminated."

  "Just so we're clear what the priority is," Ethan said tersely.

  "We are very clear," The Kev replied.

  My head was spinning and I was dying to ask some pointed questions, but then I would blow my cover. Monkeypoop. There was too much information to file away…I was here to save a baby named Samuel, which was a lovely name. He was Ethan's child, which meant the sexy jack off was married. Bummer. However, I was apparently married with four or six children—to a human no less. Wait…did they tell me that or did I pull that one out of my rear?

  Whatever.

  It sounded like there were more Vampyres here to save—Martha and Jane. Was one of them Ethan's wife? Or girlfriend? Were they connected to Samuel? Apparently The Kev had a mate named Gemma. Gemma was beautiful, powerful and my best friend since I was a little girl. She could read auras and had unwillingly and unwittingly become the reincarnated Queen of the Fairies and all of the Dark Fairies wanted her dead.

  "Sweet Baby Jesus in a schoolgirl uniform," I shouted and scared a life or two out of Ethan and The Kev. "Gemma is my best friend."

  The men stared at me and waited.

  "Am I right?" I demanded.

  "You are," Ethan said as he watched me closely. "What else do you remember?"

  If I was believable, they would let me go with them. If not I would be stuck here. Of course I didn't plan to be stuck anywhere. When The Kev had mentioned the possibility that the baby had cloaked himself, I knew in my bones what that meant. I could render myself invisible and go wherever the Hell I wanted. I had decided to add the word Hell to my vocabulary. It was a place, after all.

  "Well, um…you're the father of Samuel," I said, simply regurgitating the facts I'd just heard.

  "And who is his mother?" he asked in a terse voice as his eyes narrowed and his fangs dropped. Why in the Hell was that so hot?

  "Your human wife, I would imagine," I snapped, irrationally angry and jealous over a woman I didn't know.

  "What's her name?" he demanded.

  "Um…Martha or Jane?" I made a semi-educated guess. His bark of laughter was so sexy I groaned. Hopefully he wasn't a neighbor back where we were all from…wherever the Hell that was.

  "No Astrid, neither Martha nor Jane are my wife. They are my subjects, but that is all."

  "What, are you some kind of prince or something?"

  "Or something," he muttered cryptically.

  "Do you recall anything else?" The Kev asked. "Not anything you overheard." He raised an eyebrow and gave me a look. "Something you actually remember."

  "No. Things are coming back to me in pieces. And just so you know I am not staying here with The Reggie and The Henry."

  "Actually, you are," Ethan said as he crossed his arms over his chest, daring me to challenge him. "You can't be trusted until you remember everything."

  "Dude, I am far more trustworthy than you are. I'm not the married sex god hitting on the amnesia victim," I spat.

  "You think I'm a sex god?" His smirk made my toes curl and my panties wet. However, I was also tempted to smack the grin off his face.

  "No, I think you're a pig." I froze and gasped like I'd seen a ghost. An uncomfortable and slightly painful feeling of déjà vu settled in my gut. "Have I called you a pig before?" I whispered.

  "Twice in the last few days as I recall," he said carefully as he glanced in frustration at The Kev.

  "She has to find it on her own," The Kev said. "Too much too soon could destroy her."

  "Call The Reggie and The Henry and tell them to take the day off. I'm coming with you."

  The Kev grinned and Ethan swore, but I knew I'd won. I liked winning. Always.

  ***

  The Reggie and The Henry did not take the day off. Nope, they came over for a play date. As we trudged through the dense forest on the outskirts of Xanthia their monosyllabic replies to all questions began to grate on my last nerve.

  "If we're all freakin' magical mythical creatures, why in the Hell are we walking? Can't we fly or run like cheetahs or something less boring?" I griped.

  "I thought you didn't swear." Ethan's eyebrow shot up and he chuckled.

  "I don't," I shot back. "Hell is a place, not a potty word, dorkwad."

  "No name calling, children," The Kev said. "We are getting close. When the forest ends, stay at the tree line. We are being met by The Bob and The Gus."

  Holding back my laughter was impossible. "The Bob and The Gus? Oh my Hell on a stick, you Fairies have some very un-Fairy-like names."

  "Our real names are unpronounceable to a lesser being like yourself," The Reggie said in a snippy voice. He was beyond gorgeous, but his personality shot his looks to Hell.

  "Really? Tell me your real name," I challenged.

  He glared at me and made a rude sound.

  "Wow. That sounded like a burp or a fart," I cooed sweetly as I watched him turn a rather unbecoming shade of red. "No wonder you go by The Reggie."

  "That's not my name," he said haughtily. "My name is Reggquaranafloopiemoomawompus."

  "Hmmm…I'd go with the fart sound if I were you, Reggquaranafloopiemooma
wompus," I shot back. His dumbfounded stare was delightful. I had no clue how I was able to throw the horrid name back at him, but I wasn't going to question my brilliance—or my luck.

  "Enough," The Kev warned as we approached the tree line. "Thank you The Reggie and The Henry. When we meet again we will not speak of this. It is dangerous for you to be seen with me and I will not let you risk your lives."