Fashionably Dead in Diapers

by Robyn Peterman

  "We have no lives, my liege," The Henry said respectfully. "We have waited centuries for your return with our true Queen and we can't wait much longer. The Corrine is systematically killing off the Light."

  "Which is why you are brave to have pretended to be Dark," The Kev said. "We are here to take back what does not belong to her and that includes her reign."

  "We have an understanding," Ethan ground out furiously.

  The Reggie and The Henry tensed and took defensive stances against my Vampyre. Holy Hell, he wasn't my Vampyre…I had to stop thinking that way.

  "Stand down," The Kev commanded The Reggie and The Henry. "We do have an understanding. However, the understanding might not work unless the ruler falls."

  "Two birds—one stone?" I asked, keeping a close eye on the strange parties in our little group. One move toward the butthole sexy Vampyre and I would wipe the Fairies off the face of the earth.

  "Something like that," The Kev said as he watched the players as closely as I did.

  I felt sure The Kev would keep the peace so I moved my gaze to the field and the city beyond. My mouth dropped open and I gaped. The field was unbelievable—long grasses with explosions of flowers for miles. The colors were riotous and tiny silver and gold birds darted in and out of the flora and fauna. I had never seen anything like it. However, it was what lay beyond that really stole my ability to speak.

  "What the Hell?" I muttered as I squinted, trying to make sense of what I was seeing. It couldn't possibly be…

  "What's wrong?" The Henry barked as he took a defensive stance and knocked me to the ground behind him.

  "Don't touch her," Ethan hissed as he took The Henry in a chokehold and prepared to tear his head off.

  Crapballs. "No," I yelled from my unladylike clump on the ground. Thank God I was wearing pants, super-cool Doc Maarten combat boots and a rocking hot tight black t-shirt. I wouldn't want to show my privates to strangers.

  "No danger," I choked out as I tried to regain my balance. The Henry had one Hell of a wallop.

  "What happened?" Ethan demanded as he gently helped me to my feet and brushed the dirt from my pants.

  A tingle shot through me as his hand brushed mine. My eyes turned green and my fangs descended. Poopycrappypoop, this was going to become an issue if he was near. I pushed him away and gathered myself. He was dangerous to my morality and my lady parts. From the grin on his face, he knew exactly what was going on in my rattled brain. What a turdwanker.

  "Nothing happened," I bit out and put some more space between us. "I was just shocked, appalled, astonished and the list goes on that Xanthia looks like a freakin' amusement park."

  The Reggie and The Henry looked insulted and The Kev simply laughed. "That's because it is," The Kev said. "At the moment the funhouse is not fun, but we are here to rectify that."

  "An amusement park? Really?" I asked. Fairies were whacked.

  "What did you expect?" The Kev was delighted with my response. "My disguises tend to be cheesy stars from the 1980s. Doesn't it make sense that I would have been raised in a deranged carnival?"

  "So that's why you chose Arnold Schwarzenegger and David Hasselhoff?" I asked…and then doubled over in pain as more pieces of my past came to light. "Oh my Hell, it hurts to remember."

  "What is wrong with her?" The Reggie demanded with disgust. "We can have no weak links on this mission."

  "I'm not a weak link, weenie-breath," I snapped as I stood back up and glared. "I'm a deadly weapon with a few missing parts at the moment. If you insult me again, I will practice my unknown skills on your Fairy hiney."

  "My hiney?" The Reggie sneered.

  I'd had enough of his bad ‘tude and condescending manner. Without having any clue what would happen, I lifted my hand and flicked my fingers at the rude jerk. Much to my shock and The Reggie's a fine glittering peach mist flew at him so quickly he had no time to duck. He gasped, cried out and fell to the ground with a thud.

  "Oh my God, what did I do?" I yelled as I ran over to the nasty Fairy.

  "At least you didn't pop him," Ethan muttered. His long strides carried him to the spot where the Fairy writhed and swore on the ground.

  "Whoops." I cringed as I took in what I had done. The Reggie now looked like The Regina—double-E boobs and all. His once closely cropped black hair was now a mass of shiny ebony curls and his makeup was flawless. However, his outfit was rather alarming—hot pink booty shorts and a bra top that made his boobs look like weapons. His scream of terror and fury almost made me cower. Almost.

  "Change me back," he ground out through clenched teeth as The Henry stood by and tried not to laugh. "Now."

  "Say please." I grinned as I took in my handiwork. Hells bells, I had no clue how to undo what I had just done.

  "Please," he snapped.

  "Nicer," I told him, buying time before I had to admit he might be stuck as The Regina with the ginormous rack for eternity.

  Sucking in a huge amount of air through his nose and blowing it out slowly through his mouth, he got to his feet and turned to me. "Please," he begged as he pathetically pushed his wild locks out of his eyes. "Please change me back."

  His tone was nice even though he looked like he still wanted to kill me. I didn't think he would—at least not until I magically altered him. The Henry was enjoying himself a little too much for my pleasure and I was starting to feel guilty about The Reggie—especially his bosom. Those knockers were horrible. If I couldn't remove them, he would have to get custom bras made and live with backaches the rest of his immortal life. Um…cowballs, what should I do?

  Come clean that I had no clue what I was doing? Or try to restore him?

  Decisions sucked. If I was going to be of any use here, I needed to step up my game. If I couldn't undo a spell that changed a man to a woman, then how could I be useful in saving Ethan's baby and his concubines, Martha and Jane? With a quick shake of my head to clear my thoughts I flicked my fingers again. I prayed to my Uncle God, I wouldn't turn The Reggie into a toad or a monster or something worse—like a woman with even bigger hooters.

  I flicked my fingers a second time, then closed my eyes and waited. If I screwed up I was sure The Reggie would exact his revenge with his fists. If I was successful then maybe he wouldn't be such a butthonk to me. Certainly I would have put the fear of grossly overblown boobs into his head and he would be more pleasant. Or…

  "Very good, Astrid." The Kev said, congratulating me.

  I opened my eyes slowly. The Reggie was back to his gorgeous self. My body sagged with relief.

  "You had no idea what you were doing, did you?" The Reggie asked as he paled and checked his body for abnormalities.

  "Um…nope." I grinned and shrugged. "However, I would suggest staying on my good side. If that's what happens when I'm winging it, no telling what will happen when I get my memory back."

  "So noted," The Reggie said as he backed away from me in either awe or fear.

  Whatever. As long as he wasn't crawling up my backside with his snarky rudeness I didn't care.

  "If she gets her memory back," The Henry added.

  "She will get her memory back," Ethan snapped to a suddenly contrite The Henry. I was sure he didn't want his head removed by an irate Vampyre.

  The Kev said nothing, which was worrisome. Was there a chance I would never get my mind back? That was unacceptable. It would devastate my human husband and would scar my ten children. Ten? Did I have ten? Why in the Hell would I ever have agreed to ten children? That husband of mine, whatever his name was, was going to have some freakin' explaining to do.

  "So what's the plan?" I asked. We needed to get the show on the road.

  "Who's your favorite female singer?" The Kev inquired as he conjured vials of liquid out of thin air.

  "Um…I like Pink," I answered.

  "Ethan?" he asked.

  "Alive or dead?"

  "Alive would be preferable," The Kev said. He shook the vials and whispered in some unidentifiable language
over them.

  "I enjoy Adam Levine," Ethan said. It amazed me that a five-hundred and twenty-two–year-old Vamp still kept up with pop culture.

  "That won't do," The Kev said. "He's on The Voice. It's a conflict of interest."

  "Care to explain?" Ethan asked, truly confused.

  "No, not really," The Kev replied as he eyeballed the contents of the vials critically. "Just choose another male singer."

  "Frank Sinatra."

  "Nope, he's dead," The Reggie said. "Has to be alive."

  "Oh, for fuck’s sake," Ethan groused. "Elvis?"

  "Dead."

  "Jim Morrison?"

  "Dead." The Reggie was enjoying himself.

  "Keith Richards?"

  "Very close to dead. I'd pick someone else," I chimed in.

  "And who would you pick, Astrid?" Ethan asked. "Who do you find attractive?"

  My instinct was to yell "YOU" and then jump him and ride him like a cowboy, but I couldn't. Number one, I was married and number two, there were entirely too many witnesses. "Um, I like Eminem and Jon Bon Jovi."

  "What does this Eminem sing?" Ethan asked.

  Clearly he wasn't too immersed pop culture.

  "Rap," I told him and he shuddered.

  "That's not singing," he huffed. "Does this Bon Jovi rap?"

  "Nope, he sings and he's hot."

  Ethan's eyes narrowed to slits and I swear he was jealous. "I choose Bon Jovi," he snapped to The Kev.

  "Very well," The Kev said. "Drink these."

  He held out two vials. Mine was filled with a bubbly purple liquid and Ethan's was filled with a bright blue fizzy concoction. Did he expect us to drink that crap? The last time…

  "Is it going to taste like ass again?" I asked, and then slapped my hand over my mouth. My other hand went to my head as a blast of icy pain shot through it and I winced. I wasn't sure if I was more pissed about the fact that the word ass had flown from my mouth or if it was because I was in excruciating pain from remembering more. "This sucks," I yelled as I massaged my head.

  The Kev ignored my outburst and forced the glass tube into my shaking hands. "Yes, it will taste bad. Yes, even though you are a Vampyre you can drink this. It's liquid—if it was solid your body would reject it. The effects will be temporary, but if you wish to rescue the child without having to defend your life every five minutes during your visit to Xanthia I'd suggest you drink it."

  "Wait," I yelled. "Vampyres can't eat food?" What kind of crappy deal was that?

  Everyone stared at me like I'd grown three heads. How was I supposed to know that? I still wasn't convinced my name was Astrid. Now I find out I can't eat a cheeseburger ever again? I'm married to a douche knuckle who was too wimpy to come on a mission. I have fifteen children and I can never eat a whole pizza again. Depressed didn't even begin to cover my emotions at the moment.

  Ethan took his vial and swallowed the contents with a grimace and a gag. I refused to be bested by the sexy Vamp, so I threw mine back too. Holy poop on a paper towel, it was disgusting. Dizziness consumed me and I slowly sat on the ground so I didn't fall.

  I felt Ethan lower himself to the ground next to me and moan. I reached out and took his hand. If he felt anything like I did, he was miserable. His hand was big and warm and I was so tempted to lay my head on his chest for comfort, but he wasn't mine. He squeezed my hand as my suddenly heavy eyelids closed. I smiled dreamily at how lovely his hand felt in mine.

  I could never admit it aloud, but I wished he was my husband. I wanted him with everything I had. Well, too bad, so sad. He was married with a kid and so was I. Life kind of sucked, but I knew in my gut I was a survivor and I would survive this too. I just hoped this mission wouldn't take too long. I wouldn't be able to hold out against the hotter than Hades Vampyre for much longer.

  Chapter 11

  Leaving children to their own devices is risky—especially if the device is a TV. You're much better off playing a board game with your child—even poker. If you have to use the boob tube, stick to educational television. Too much reality TV can cause your child to think like a Fairy. This is not good… just look at what a spoiled snarky brat Tinkerbell turned out to be.

  "Explain this again," I said as I paced the tree line in a slightly panicked manner. I kept running my hands through my newly short hair and my stomach was twisted in knots. It's not that I didn't like Pink's music. I loved it and I thought she was a very attractive woman. However, I did not want her face or her body. I already had a few memory issues. Being a doppelganger for a rock star was not going to help.

  "It's temporary," The Kev insisted. "You'll be safer this way. The Fairies will be delighted I have brought Pink and Jon Bon Jovi for a visit. Trust me on this."

  I glanced over at Ethan and threw my hands in the air. "Well, it didn't work on him. He looks the same."

  "It worked," The Kev said. "Everyone sees Pink and Bon Jovi except you and Ethan. You two can see each other because…" He stopped mid sentence with a look of horror on his face.

  "What?" I yelled. "Just tell me. I promise I won't implode. At least I don't think I will. This cryptic bullpoop is killing me."

  "Say bullshit," The Kev said.

  "No," I told him. "I don't need to swear to get my point across. Swearing is for those with small vocabularies and sub-par intelligence."

  The grunt that erupted from Ethan's mouth sounded like a strangled cow. He turned and walked away. What the Hell was his problem?

  "Say fuck," The Kev tried again.

  "Absolutely not," I snapped. "What does using improper terms for sexual intercourse have to do with me learning who I am?"

  "Everything," The Kev said. "We don't have time for this right now. The Gus and The Bob will be here momentarily and we need a plan in place before they come."

  "Why?" Ethan asked warily. "Do you not trust them?"

  The Kev said nothing as he pulled out a map of the amusement park that was Xanthia. He shot Ethan a quick look of censure when The Reggie and The Henry were otherwise occupied. Ethan's eyes narrowed yet again and he made a soft sound of disgust. Clearly The Kev didn't trust any of the Fairies completely. Good to know. I wasn't sure I trusted The Kev or Ethan completely, but I knew for sure I didn't trust the other Fairies.

  "The Corrine loves American Idol and has created a version for Xanthia. The Dark Realm have an affinity for the singing shows and the Light Realm prefer the dance competitions," The Kev said logically.

  As if any of that was remotely logical.

  "So I'm guessing there haven't been many dance competitions in the past century or so," I muttered as I played with my short blonde locks.

  "No," The Reggie griped. "We have been barraged by singing Fairies. Did you know that most Fairies are tone deaf? Do you realize what utter Hell it is to listen to ten weeks of tone deaf Fairies singing Lady Gaga and Michael Jackson?"

  "Um, that would suck," I told him.

  "Suck doesn't begin to cover it," he screamed, turning redder by the second. "Paula Abdul and Randy Jackson are enablers, and Simon Cowell is a bitch."

  "Wait. What?" What in the Hell was he talking about? The Reggie was unstable and I wasn't sure why The Kev thought it was a good idea to have a flipped out Fairy help us. The Reggie was clearly close to having an aneurysm.

  "They are Fairies," The Kev said as he watched The Reggie begin to uproot trees and throw them into the woods.

  "You're kidding. Paula Abdul, Randy Jackson and Simon Cowell are Fairies?" I asked as I ducked to avoid a rather large spruce that was flying through the air.

  "I only wish I was kidding," The Kev said as he grabbed The Reggie and stopped his tree chucking shenanigans. "They had been on Earth for thousands of years and then they had the bright idea to become hosts of a singing show. It was bad enough that Paula pursued a rather alarming singing career herself, but this was too much. Becoming so famous brought focused attention on them, which is very, very bad for us. The risk of discovery is forbidden and punishable by death."
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  "So what the Hell happened?" I asked as I watched The Kev tie The Reggie's arms in a knot to stop his tantrum. The Henry stood by and watched with satisfaction as his buddy was turned into a pretzel.

  "They were told to make enough trouble so they would be fired," The Henry explained. "The Paula began to drink massive quantities of Fairy Juice and The Simon asked for too much money and got so bitchy he was barely palatable."