Fashionably Dead in Diapers

by Robyn Peterman

"And The Randy?" I inquired, still trying to swallow this new bit of bizarre info.

  "He did nothing. The Randy knew the antics of The Paula and The Simon would be sufficient," The Henry replied.

  "Is Ryan Seacrest a Fairy?"

  "Oh, Heavens no," The Reggie grunted as he tried in vain to untangle his arms. "He's a Troll."

  "Wait," I yelled as I jackknifed forward to stop the pain in my gut. "I've heard of Trolls…I think."

  Ethan stopped pacing and stared at me hopefully.

  "Am I friends with one?" I asked, frustrated and sick and tired of being in pain.

  "I certainly hope not," The Henry huffed as he moved discretely away.

  "No, you are not friends with any Trolls," Ethan said. "Trolls are assholes. They are destructive and deadly."

  "Well, then how is Ryan Seacrest able to get away with being on TV?" I asked. Why was I even having this conversation?

  "He's only a quarter Troll," The Kev answered.

  "And the rest?" I don't know why I asked questions that I didn't want the answers to.

  "Unicorn."

  "Of course Ryan Seacrest is a farking Unicorn. I mean, anyone could see that," I shouted. These douche canoes were insane. "Look, let’s just find the baby and Ethan's gal pals and get the Hell out of Dodge."

  "They are not my gal pals," Ethan said, exasperated. "If anything, they're yours."

  "I'm gay?" I said, totally surprised. I didn't feel gay. My redonkulous desire to play hide the salami with the sexy Vampyre would lead me to believe I was straight, but who knew? Maybe I had a wife and she gave birth to half of our sixteen children and I had the other half. Still, blowing out eight kids was a lot. It was a relief I didn't give birth to all sixteen of my kids. Why would I have thought it was socially responsible to have sixteen children? It's not like I even had any fun getting pregnant. Did I use a turkey baster?

  "You're not gay," Ethan said, thankfully putting an end to my heinous inner monologue. "Do you really not remember?"

  "If I'm asking if I'm a lesbian, does it sound like I remember?" I demanded.

  He had some nerve. He knew all the answers. All he had to do was tell me, but The Kev said no. I had to do it on my own. Hells bells, it was probably going to hurt like a motherhumper when it all came back…if it came back. Buttcramppoopwanker.

  "She will remember," The Kev assured us. I wasn't sure I believed him, but I wanted to. "Let it go for now," he advised. "It will happen when it is supposed to."

  "The plans?" The Henry asked.

  "Is anyone going to untie me?" The Reggie whined.

  "Are you going to stop throwing trees?" The Kev inquired.

  "Yes," he ground out.

  "Boulders?"

  "Yes."

  "People?"

  "You drive a hard bargain," The Reggie groused, "but I will behave."

  "Fine." The Kev wiggled his fingers at The Reggie and his arms were restored to pre-pretzel. He rotated them and sighed with relief. "We have allies throughout the Kingdom. The competition will take place tonight and we will take Samuel during the show. There will be much chaos and most of the Fairies will be hopped up on Fairy Juice. It's our best shot. The Bob and The Gus should have the intel as to where they are keeping Samuel, Martha and Jane…"

  "Are they gay?" I asked.

  "The Bob and The Gus?" The Kev asked.

  "No, Martha and Jane."

  "What does that have to do with anything?" The Reggie asked as he eyed me with distrust.

  "It has nothing to do with anything," I said. "I'm just trying to remember shit and it popped into my head."

  "She said shit," The Henry pointed out.

  "No, I didn't."

  "Did."

  "Did not," I yelled as little sparks began to shoot from my fingertips. "Take it back or I'll give you a set of knockers that will make Dolly Parton's look prepubescent."

  "Fine," The Henry screeched as he ran and hid behind The Reggie. "You didn't say shit."

  "Thank you," I said primly as I fluffed my spiked hairdo.

  "You actually did," Ethan informed me with delight. "You said it loud and clear."

  "Duck," The Henry bellowed in terror to Ethan. "She's going to give you boobs."

  "No, she won't," he said with confidence.

  "Don't be so sure," I warned.

  He grabbed me and put his lips to my ear, which sent erotic shivers down my spine and straight to my hoohoo. "You won't disfigure me because you like what you see," he whispered and then nipped at my earlobe.

  I was speechless and so horny I wanted to die. I was a heartbeat away from tearing his clothes off when The Bob and The Gus appeared in a blast of silver glitter. The Bob and The Gus were now secretly nicknamed the cock blockers. I'd never been so thankful to see Fairies in my life. I almost cheated on my wife…no, my husband. Whatever. The bottom line was I almost had public intercourse with a cocky Vampyre.

  "Hello, The Kev," one of the new Fairies purred. I didn't like him a bit and from the growl Ethan let slip, he didn't either. "I see you're still slumming it with Vampyres." His laugh was grating and his mannerisms highly effeminate.

  "They're gay," The Henry whispered in my ear so softly I wasn't sure I heard him correctly.

  "I see you haven't gotten over your prejudice of the race that almost removed your head on three occasions I believe, The Bob," The Kev countered with a huge grin.

  "I'm still here," the Fairy said silkily. "So you want information…what are you willing to trade?" The Bob asked as he leered at Ethan.

  Did The Bob want Ethan in exchange for information? That was so not happening. Why wasn't The Kev speaking? Was he considering trading my Vampyre? Was he more invested in avenging Gemma than he was in getting Ethan's son back? Was I going to have to kill a bunch of Fairies? Wait…could I kill a bunch of Fairies?

  It was a good thing they brought me even though I didn't know which end was up at the moment. Men, no matter the species, were dumb. I was going to handle this shit. Oh my Hell, I guess I did say shit. It’s okay though. Shit wasn't that bad. It's perfectly fine to say shit and Hell. Nothing else.

  "He’s mine," I said as I stepped up to Ethan and shoved him behind my back.

  "This is your mate?" The Bob asked with narrowed eyes.

  "Yep," I lied. "He's my meat."

  "Your mate," Ethan corrected me.

  "That's what I said." I smiled at The Bob and grabbed Ethan's ass. I was taking no chances. Oh. My. God. He had a fine ass. I still had no clue if The Kev would trade Ethan, but it wasn't going to happen on my clock.

  "I had no idea Pink and Bon Jovi were an item," The Bob said skeptically. "Does the human press know?"

  "No," Ethan cut in as he copped a feel of my ass for The Bob to see. "And we'd like to keep it that way for the moment."

  "Interesting," a nasal voice belonging to The Gus chimed in. "The Corrine will be ecstatic you have brought such esteemed guests, The Kev. Did you bring our new Queen?" he inquired as he scanned the area for others.

  "Why would I do that?" The Kev replied in a voice that made the hair on my arms stand up. Ethan pulled me toward him and away from the Fairies.

  "Of course you wouldn't," The Gus backpedaled quickly as he bowed to The Kev and groveled. "I assumed she would come for her son."

  "Now here's something interesting," The Kev said. "The child is not her son."

  "What?" The Henry gasped and blanched. The Reggie looked confused and The Gus and The Bob sneered.

  "Nice try," The Bob said. "We have proof it's her son. The Corrine is evil but not stupid."

  "I beg to differ," I muttered.

  "What was that, Pink?" The Reggie asked.

  "I said, I beg to differ. The child does not belong to Gemma, your True Queen. The Corunda got it wrong. Therefore, she is evil and stupid," I concluded, watching with satisfaction as they almost had heart attacks at my mispronunciation her name. God, they were easy. This was going to be fun.

  The Kev watched the exchange closely as
his lips thinned with displeasure. I hoped to Hell he wasn't mad at me. I was fairly sure he hated The Corrine. The other Fairies hopped around and exchanged worried glances. The Bob and The Gus were beside themselves.

  "Um, Pink?" The Bob said cautiously. "I know The Corrine will be honored you have graced Xanthia with your presence. Having a real rock star here will be epic, but if you call her by the wrong name…"

  "What will happen?" I asked, hoping they'd say she'd kill me. I wasn't sure why, but I had an intense desire to off The Corrine and if she started it first, it would be self defense on my part. It was on the tip of my brain as to why I wanted to tear her apart with my bare hands. I just couldn't reach it yet, but I would.

  "Well," The Gus gushed and attempted to kiss my ass, "let's just say she would be very, very, very, very upset, and leave it at that."

  "The Goose and The Boob, I can't promise you anything, but I will do my best," I told them and watched as they blanched in horror at their new titles. "So where's our baby?"

  "The child is yours?" The Bob asked, completely confused. "Did you have a child with Bon Jovi? I thought you we both married to others…"

  "We are," I cut him off. "It was just a figure of speech."

  I could have sworn Ethan muttered something about snot, but I missed it. Did Vampyres have bodily functions? I didn't think so, but again…what the Hell did I know about anything? Maybe our noses could run.

  "So, you two are having an affair?" The Gus inquired as his eyes wandered jealously over Ethan from head to toe.

  What the Hell? Ethan was straight, married and having an affair with Pink and they still wanted a piece of him. They were man-whores, but if they could tell us where the baby was I would reduce their sentence to man-sluts.

  "Yes," Ethan replied quickly before I could refute him. "Where are the child and the other Vampyres?"

  "They're being held separately," The Bob said. "The Vampyres have bargained for their lives. The Corrine has little use for them and wanted to kill them, but they are quite crafty."

  "And violent," The Gus added.

  "And sexy," The Reggie chimed in.

  Both The Kev and Ethan turned away. Ethan sounded like he was coughing up a hairball and The Kev sounded like he had whooping cough. What was the deal? I was getting more and more certain Ethan was boffing Martha and Jane. Was The Kev boffing them too? Gemma would not be happy with that. I may not remember my name, but I was sure that Gemma would tie The Kev’s nuts in a knot if he cheated on her.

  I'd remove my husband's privates with a dull butter knife if he did the nasty with someone else. Which was why I was not going to cheat on my husband, or possibly wife, with Ethan…no matter how much I wanted to. It didn't matter one bit he was the hottest man I'd ever seen. Nope. The fact that when I closed my eyes I could still see his face was immaterial. The way his ass filled out his jeans and the way his shirt pulled across his perfectly muscled chest when he moved was unimportant. No, no, no, no. I would not do the pretty Vampyre.

  Oh my Hell, I said ass. An ass is a donkey, so it’s not really a bad word…

  Okay. I can say ass and Hell. Shit is a little iffy, but I'd already committed to it and I felt good about it. No more. I would not add any more bad words.

  The Kev, having regained his composure, rejoined the group. "Tell me where. Where is the child and where are the Vamps?"

  "They keep moving the child," The Henry said as The Gus glared daggers at him.

  "He was asking me," The Gus spat as The Henry backed off in fear. Clearly there was a pecking order here, but The Kev obviously trusted The Reggie and The Henry more. They knew our real faces and identities. The Gus and The Bob were higher up on the food chain, but were to be trusted less. Good to know.

  "They keep moving the child," The Gus repeated. "Apparently he has burned down a number of houses and caused a few minor problems."

  "The Goop," I said kindly as I shrugged in confusion. "Fairies can't handle a baby? This surprises me. Maybe this was a mistake coming here…and I was going to do a free concert and everything."

  "Oh sweet Tinkerbell in a prairie dress." The Bob gasped and fell to his knees. "Please, Pink, you must do a concert. The Corrine will be happy for a moment or two and will stop her systematic murdering of the Light."

  "Ohh Bopo, The Corruna sounds like a megalomaniac bitch," I said as The Reggie, The Henry, Ethan and The Kev stared at me open mouthed. I was positive the Fairies were shocked at my slight to their leader, but Ethan was surprised by my language. I still couldn't remember who I really was, but potty words were definitely starting to come easier.

  "A bitch is a female dog," I explained to Ethan, whose grin set my panties on fire.

  "Yes, it is, Pink. Yes, it is."

  Why did his approval mean so much? I knew my grin was splitting my face, but I didn't care. I wanted more…

  "So I'm getting tired of this shit, you bitches. Where the Hell are they hiding the baby and the concubine Vampyres?" I smiled and tried to toss my hair over my shoulder to drive my point home. I had used all my potty words in one sentence and I was proud. Ethan's wink all but did me in. However, you can't toss short hair. Being Pink was not working for me. The faster we got done here the faster I could be myself…whoever that was.

  "You heard the lady," The Kev said as he crossed his massive arms over his massive chest. "Answer her."

  "Why do Pink and Bon Jovi want the child?" The Bob asked, getting agitated.

  That was a really good question. A question I had no answer to, but not knowing the answer had never stopped me before…

  "Outstanding observation, The Gas," I yelled as I wracked my brain for something that made a modicum of sense. "It's because Bon Jovi got his weenie tied off and um…we want a child together. Not to…ah…mention, we're Vampyres and can't reproduce unless we are having semi-regular sexual intercourse with humans. Clearly we're both rock star Vampyres who are married to other people who most likely are not mythical creatures like we are…and even though we…um…have very regular and aerobic intimate relations, we have not successfully blown out a baby. Mostly because we're dead and Bon Jovi's little swimmers aren't swimming anymore since his Johnson was fixed. We heard about the…you know…stolen baby and we want him. Is that too much to ask? It's not like you dumbasses even need him now because he's not the true Queen's spawn. You can't negotiate a farked up blackmail scheme with a random baby. And I want him," I informed the traumatized crowd.

  I realized I was shouting, but not because I could feel it. Nope. The dead giveaway was the hands of all the men clamped over their ears. There might have been a little bit of blood running out of The Henry's ear too. I wasn't positive, but it didn't look good.

  "The goddess Vampyres are in the dungeon of the Magic Mystery Castle and the baby is in the Grand Fun Palace," The Gus choked out quickly with tears of agony in his eyes. "Please don't speak anymore."

  "Or ever again," The Bob begged.

  "I am so confused," The Reggie wailed.

  "See?" The Kev bellowed joyously as he slowly removed his hands from his ears in case I wasn't done. "That wasn't so difficult. This meeting never happened. You have no knowledge of the imminent arrival of Pink and Bon Jovi and you do not know that I am back in Xanthia."

  "Yes, Sire," The Reggie said. "Do you want us to notify The Dave?"

  "Who's The Dave?" I asked in a much quieter voice to the great relief of the gathered Fairies.

  "The Dave is the leader of the Light. He is imprisoned in the Magic Mystery Castle with Martha and Jane," The Kev told me.

  "Along with thousands of other Light Fairies," The Bob added sadly.

  "Why aren't you in the dungeon? Aren't you Light?" I got right up in The Bob and The Gus' beautiful faces. They backed away and began to glow an iridescent green.

  Looks of embarrassment and shame passed between the quartet. The Henry stepped forward and knelt at my feet. "Pink, we are not Dark, but we have done too many things to be considered Light anymore."
<
br />   "We are Gray," The Reggie added despondently. "When the true Queen comes home and the Light is restored, we will have no place here."

  "That doesn't seem fair," I said. "If you help restore the Light, why do you have to go?"

  "It's not that simple," The Bob said. "Nothing the Fairies do is simple."

  I glanced over at Ethan. He had said those same words to me. I was sure of it, but I couldn't remember when. The memory lapse sucked huge wads. There had to be something I could do to regain my past. I just wished I knew what it was. Shithellbitchass.