Fashionably Dead in Diapers

by Robyn Peterman

  "Well then, shut your cakehole about my memory. Got it?" I snapped and then abruptly shut up as I realized Fairies were staring at me strangely. Why on earth would talking to your shoulder be odd in a fucked up amusement park like Xanthia?

  Putting my head down, I continued my conversation. "The Vamps, Martha and Jane, are somewhere in the Magic Mystery Castle."

  "Probably in the dungeon. The Dave is down there too. I'm surprised they're still alive."

  "Apparently they bargained for their lives," I said as we approached the drawbridge that led to the humongous jewel encrusted doors of the castle.

  "I'm simply shocked The Corrine let them live if they are as sexy and as beautiful as you say," she said quietly.

  I still wasn't convinced that they weren't Ethan's concubines. Part of me wanted to forget to save them, but that would be wrong and I'd feel horrible. Having a compassionate conscience sucked sometimes.

  "Maybe they're as smart as they are hot," Susu surmised.

  "Maybe." I shrugged and shoved my jealousy of Martha and Jane to the far recesses of my mind. I had zero time for pettiness.

  "I certainly am," Susu added with great conviction.

  "You know, a little humility would go a long way. You might actually find some friends."

  "I don't need any friends. I have you."

  Fucking awesome. "Alrighty then, we're going to slip around the corner and cloak ourselves. It'll be easier to get inside if we're invisible. Are you ready?"

  "I was born ready," she said with a giggle that made me grin despite the seriousness of our situation.

  "Of course you were."

  ***

  The inside of the castle reminded me a little of Hell—very ornate, very overdone and very dangerous. Huge armed Fairies lined the corridors and roamed the halls. There were massive crystal chandeliers and brocades and velvets everywhere. My lips curled slightly as I thought about how much my Uncle Satan would love the decor in Xanthia until the horrendous pain started. I plastered my invisible body against the wall as I rode out the excruciating muscle pain that ripped through my body at the memory.

  "Do you want me to give you your memory back?" Susu asked as she peppered my face with sweet kisses.

  "Shhhh," I admonished her.

  "Should I speak in your head?"

  I nodded as several large and pissed off Fairies turned their heads and looked in our direction. Fuck. I knew they couldn't see us, but we would be so screwed if they heard us.

  "So do you want me to fix your brain?" Thankfully, her squeaky little voice was now confined to my head only.

  "Can you actually do that?" I asked.

  "Um…no clue, but I could try. You would run the risk of getting someone else's memory along with your own, but that could turn out to be very interesting."

  "I'll pass, but thank you."

  "Let me know if you change your mind. I hate seeing you in pain." Susu was floating around my head again. I'd let her off my shoulder once we were invisible. She'd done some kind of bizarre voodoo so we could see each other. We were an odd but good team.

  "I could give you your true form back with a Fairy essence so your Vampyre-Demon odor won't be noticed," she added.

  "Did you just imply that I smell?" My eyes narrowed as Susu backed away swiftly.

  "Of course you do." She giggled and floated out of reach. "But you're not stinky like the Genie. Vampyres smell like summer wind and Demons smell like brownies."

  "The Hell Hounds in Hell smelled like brownies," Shit. I jackknifed forward in agony as the memory of General George Patton and Bambi came back to me. "Motherfucker, I hope I don't have too many memories left," I grunted as the pain in my chest subsided.

  "Me too. That just sucks flaming assholes for you."

  "That was disgusting, Susu. If you're going to swear with me as the subject stick to metaphors that don't make me want to throw up in my mouth."

  "Vampyres can't puke," she informed me.

  "Good to know."

  "Do you want to look like Astrid again?"

  I thought about it. If she changed me back and doused me in the Fairy essence, I could avoid being mobbed as Pink. That could save time and lives. I missed my long hair and my own body. Pink was awesome, but I wasn't too bad myself.

  "Yep. Do it…Wait. Do I have to drink something that tastes like ass?" I winced at the recent memory of The Kev's potion.

  "Absolutely not." She giggled and flipped. "Mini Elves are the second most magical beings alive. I don't need potions or spells. I am fabulous!"

  "Yes, you are." I grinned and then paused. "What are the first most magical beings alive?"

  "True Immortals," she whispered reverently.

  I was struck dumb. I was a True Immortal. I was related to several other True Immortals. Was she fucking with me? I was one of the most powerful beings alive?

  "I'm a True Immortal."

  Susu paled and her lavender eyes grew huge. "Who are you?"

  "I'm Compassion."

  Finally the little shit was speechless—not still, but speechless. She must have bowed to me a hundred times before she ran head first into the fourteen carat gold plated wall. Her excitement was alarming and flattering. I was like a freakin' movie star to her. Was being a True Immortal really such a big deal? Dang it, I wished I could remember.

  Susu's eyes were a bit dilated after her session with the wall, but her tiny voice came back with a vengeance. I was a worried she'd given herself a concussion, but I figured she'd survive a common human ailment.

  "I can't believe my new best friend is a True Immortal," she squealed. "It really is fitting. We are both gorgeous and powerful and…"

  "Humble?" I raised my eyebrows and crossed my arms over my chest.

  "Well, no not really, but you can be if you want to. So Astrid or Pink?"

  "Astrid," I said. "Can you give me less hookery clothes?"

  "Prada? Chanel? Stella McCartney? True Religion?"

  "Prada will be just fine." I grinned and slapped a high five with my little buddy. I used my pinkie so I didn't crush her. She was growing on me, kind of like a fungus—an attractive, sweet smelling fungus.

  "Shut your eyes," Susu whispered. "It won't taste bad, but it might hurt like a bitch dick of a mother fuckin' bastard asshole."

  I grimaced at the fact I had to suffer more pain, but mostly because she'd shoved every legal swear word into one sentence. She was good. Really good.

  Chapter 15

  When explaining the supernatural to your child, (if you choose to do so) don't leave out the unsavory parts. Most children think Fairies, Elves, Trolls and Unicorns are delightful creatures. They are not—especially the Trolls. Make sure you put the fear of God in your child or he could end up hanging out with the wrong crowd in high school.

  Susu was correct. It hurt like a bitch dick of a mother fuckin' bastard asshole. We went to a deserted alcove in the castle just in case I screamed. I didn't. I sucked it back and pictured Ethan. Where was he and was he okay? The thought of losing him was not an option. The faster I could save his gal pals the faster I could get to him and his child. And where in the Hell was The Kev? I didn't sense either of them in this building. They had to be in the Palace. That was where the baby Samuel was being held. I was sure this was the correct order of rescue. I knew the Grand Fun Palace was where The Corrine resided and assumed it would be heavily guarded. Although, after seeing how many guards were in the Castle, I couldn't even imagine the numbers at the Palace.

  "Where's the dungeon?" I asked Susu as she fretted over the pain she'd caused me.

  "In the dungeon," she replied, totally confused.

  "Let me rephrase. How do we get to the fucking dungeon?"

  "Ohhhhh." She giggled and darted out of the alcove. "Follow me."

  After walking through a maze of hallways that got darker and colder as we went, we reached a set of wide stone stairs flanked by guards. The archway was covered with a huge glistening silver gate and was padlocked with magic
. Great. This was going to get complicated. The moans and the screams coming from the dungeon made my stomach roil. The laughter coming from the guards made me want to drop my invisibility and kill them where they stood—very bad plan. Susu gritted her little teeth in fury and growled. I could freeze them and float them high in the air. Susu could fly up and retrieve the keys to the lock. However, floating Dark Fairies would be a dead giveaway that something was afoot. I could pop them, but that might be messy. Fairy pop explosions produced a wildly colorful array of sparkling glitter and fire…Jesus Christ in a miniskirt, again with the migraine in the frontal lobe…I bit down on my lip and bore it. The pain hadn't lessened, but my ability to handle it was improving.

  "Memory?" Susu asked.

  I nodded tightly and ignored the headache. "We have a little issue here." I nodded to the guards. There was no way to get past them undetected.

  "No worries," she stated matter of factly. "Watch this."

  Oh my fucking Hell. She wasn't kidding when she said she liked to kill things. She had just omitted the second half of the story. She clearly liked to eat them too. It was fast and disgusting—not the killing part. I had no problem with that. I knew it was us or them. The eating part was what made me queasy. The physics made no sense whatsoever. How did something that tiny consume two three-hundred pound muscular male Fairies? I only watched the first bite or two before I dropped to the floor in despair with another memory. I'd seen this before. My Baby Demons had eaten my horrifically evil Demon father right in front of me. Memories of my mother and her utter disdain and hatred for me came flooding back. The sounds of Susu crunching through bone and slurping things I didn't want to picture were identical to the noises my precious Baby Demons made while joyously ingesting my father. They ate bad Demons…Susu ate bad Fairies. I certainly knew how to pick 'em.

  Painful snippets of my mother's death and my time in Hell filled my mind. Satan and Dixie and Mr. Rogers…and Ethan. WTF? Ethan had been in Hell with me? Why had he been in Hell with me? And why why why couldn't I remember? I was so close—so very close.

  "Damn, I was hungry," Susu said as she floated over to me.

  I slowly opened my eyes and hoped she wasn't covered in blood and guts. Nope. Not a hair was out of place and not a single trace of Fairy was left. I swallowed all my questions. It was difficult, but doable. Even my morbid curiosity couldn't handle the truth.

  "So we're using full voice now?" I choked out, feeling the need to hurl. At this point I wasn't so sure Vampyres couldn't throw up. My stomach certainly agreed.

  "Yep, nobody around now." She grinned and slapped her full tummy as she picked up the keys off of the floor and opened the gate. "You look a little pale. You okay?"

  "Um…I'm great. Next time you are going to eat something fifty times your size, a little warning would be lovely."

  "Sorry." She giggled like an idiot. She wasn't sorry at all.

  "Come on. Let's find some sexy Vamps and get the Hell out of here."

  "Roger that, Captain," Susu said as she saluted me and then picked something out of her teeth. I gagged and quickly turned away. A person could only take so much.

  The stairs were lit with torches. I rolled my eyes. How medieval and pretentious could you get? I sensed Fairies and Vamps. Jackpot. Both scents were vaguely familiar…Did I know the seductive Martha and Jane? Was one of our Fairy allies in the dungeon? Was there a traitor in our midst?

  At the bottom of the stairs, I stopped. Two paths led to different sections of the prison. I closed my eyes and let my nose take over.

  "Wait," Susu hissed. "Do you want to go solid?"

  "Why would we do that?" I shook my head and plopped her onto my shoulder.

  "So your hot-to-trot Vamps will see us. It will be easier to break them out if they can see someone is here to rescue them. Plus, it pulls on our magic to stay invisible and we're gonna need it."

  "Point. You go to the left and I'll go right. Don't yell if you find them. Speak to me in my head. You clear?" I asked as I let my cloaking drop.

  "Yes, best friend of mine. I am clear."

  I stayed low and close to the wall as I made my way down the corridor. Most of the cells were empty. Where were the Fairies that were moaning and screaming? Dear Uncle God, I prayed it hadn't been Martha and Jane. A force so beautiful and inviting pulled me down the path. A sense of peace warmed me and I felt lighter than I had in days. What the Hell was at the end of the hallway? I felt no fear. Had I lost my edge? Was this some kind of magical compulsion?

  Six feet ahead there was a cell. Bits and pieces of sparkling light burst in spurts from the metal bars. I was like a moth drawn to a flame. What was in there? I levitated to silence my footsteps and slowly floated toward the light. I wanted to be part of that magic. It was a sorcery so pure and good I needed it.

  I peeked into the cell and swallowed my gasp. In the corner of the cell sat a man—a breathtaking man. His beauty was absurd. He sat quietly with his eyes closed and his face turned toward the sky. His hands rested in his lap and he hummed a haunting tune. His magic swirled around him and made me slightly lightheaded. I felt nothing sexual for him. No, it was different. I wanted him to like me—to smile at me.

  "Are you alright?" I whispered.

  He opened his eyes and stared. His gaze was questioning and he watched me as I moved closer to the bars of his cage.

  "You're not a Fairy," he said softly. Shitballs, had the essence crap that Susu drenched me in not worked? I should have stayed in the body of Pink.

  "Yes, I am." As soon as the lie passed my lips I laughed in embarrassment. It was kind of like lying to the Dalai Lama or Mother Theresa or my Uncle God. The man said nothing. He just smiled and waited.

  "Okay, um…you're correct. I'm not a Fairy, but you're not supposed to be able to tell. I'm actually a Vampyre-Demon on a mission to save my friends and you saw through my disguise, which means I should kick Susu's ass. Sorry," I muttered. "I meant butt, not ass. Damn it, I did mean ass, but lying to you is fucking hard. Shit, I meant freakin' hard." Diarrhea of the mouth seemed to be my new M.O. "Alright, I did mean fucking, but I know I shouldn't say that. It's unladylike. However, I'm fairly sure I'm not much of a lady, but I don't have full access to my memory at the moment. I'm basically working on half a tank, which sucks…each time a piece of the puzzle comes back I have a mini seizure of sorts. Not very pretty. Oh, and Susu is a Mini Elf that eats bad Fairies like my Baby Demons eat bad Demons, which is totally gross. You know, the kind of thing that makes you want to hurl. I'm a Vampyre and from everything I've heard we can't actually throw up and ahh…Oh my Hell, did you follow any of that?" I asked, mortified.

  "Yes my child, unfortunately I followed all of it," he said.

  "I am so sorry. You're just…"

  "It's alright," he said kindly. "I know. My name is The Dave. Who might I have the pleasure of knowing entirely too much about?"

  "Oh my God, you're The Dave?" He nodded and grinned. I almost fell over he was so pretty. I was about to beg him to adopt me, but remembered I hadn't told him my name. "I'm Astrid. The Kev is my friend and teacher. We're here in Xanthia because The Corrine stole a baby and some concubines. She thought the baby was Gemma's."

  "Gemma?" He stood and walked to the bars. I couldn't help myself. I took his warm hand in mine.

  "Gemma is the True Fairy Queen. She's my best friend and the baby doesn't belong to her. The Corrine was going to trade Gemma for the baby."

  "Is Gemma here?" he asked as his eyes lit with joy. "We have waited so long for her."

  I absolutely hated to disappoint him. I almost lied again and told him she was down the hall so he would keep smiling at me. "No, it's not safe yet. She's in Hell."

  "Interesting."

  "Yep, The Kev cut a deal with my Uncle Satan and sent Gemma there because the Fairies won't go to Hell to get her."

  "The Kev is a smart man. I worry at the price for such a favor."

  "Yeah, well, The Kev didn't care."

  "A
nd who are you, Astrid? You are far more than a Vampyre-Demon."

  How did this man see so much? He was like The Kev, but wiser somehow. "I'm a True Immortal. I'm Compassion."

  "Of course you are."

  His delight at my confession made me want to tell him more, but that pretty much covered it. Any more would be lying and I didn't want to go there again.

  "You are a sight for sore eyes. I haven't had contact with anyone other than the guards in a very long time," he said.

  "How long?" I asked as I gauged if I could break the lock and free him. It was warded with heavy magic.

  "Time is relative when you are as ancient as I am, but I believe it's been several hundred years."