Fashionably Dead in Diapers

by Robyn Peterman

  "Holy shit, how did you not go nuts? I meant holy cow…no, I didn't."

  "It's alright, child." He chuckled as I hung my head in shame. Did I have no filters at all? "As I said, time is relative and I stay alive and well because I wait for our True Queen. The news you have brought me validates my belief and I am happy."

  "Let me help you get out of here," I said as sparks began to fly from my fingertips. I was going to blast the fucking lock, free The Dave and then ask him if he'd be interested in adopting me.

  "No, Astrid. You must leave me here. There are prophecies that must be fulfilled. This is not in line with what needs to happen. Go and save your friends. I will be fine. You have given me the hope today that I have longed for. It is a gift that is priceless."

  "Are you sure?" I asked dejectedly. If I didn't free him, he wouldn't want to adopt me.

  "I am sure and if I had a daughter, I'd like her to be just like you."

  I shook my head and laughed. "Are you inside my head?"

  "No, dear, your face is very transparent. Go now. I can feel that time is of the essence."

  "I hope I see you again."

  "I wish for the same. Let me give you a gift." He held out his other hand and I took it. He closed his eyes and hummed a tune that made me melt. There was no pain, but an odd sensation washed over me.

  "What did you do?" I asked as he released my hands.

  "As you regain your mind you will no longer feel pain. It won't be comfortable, but it will not debilitate you. Now go."

  I smiled, turned and ran. All of a sudden everything seemed more urgent. Shitfirebitchballs. I knew that I was fated to meet The Dave, but had I lost precious minutes that I needed to save everyone? I flew like lightning toward the other path and ran smack into Susu. We both hit the ground with a thud and then gingerly sat up. For such a tiny thing she had a hard head.

  "Watch where you're going much?" she snapped.

  "I could say the same. Did you find them?"

  "Um…I think so." The bizarre grin on her face made me itchy.

  "What?" I demanded.

  "Not quite sure how to describe it. You'd better just come with me."

  Oh my God, this was going to be bad. I could feel it.

  "Oh, and I figured out two more legal potty words," she squeaked with glee.

  "Spit 'em out." With the way the day had been going I could use a few more.

  "Cock means male chicken and pussy means cat." Her self-satisfied grin made me laugh.

  "You are brilliant. Gemma will love you."

  "Ohhhhhhhhh, do you really think so?" She shook with excitement. "I so want her to love me."

  "She will," I promised. "Now take me to Martha and Jane."

  Susu's face scrunched into an expression I couldn't define. Was it constipation? "Um, sure, boss. Your wish is my command."

  Her laugh made my stomach churn. Something was up with Martha and Jane. Did I really want to meet Ethan's lovers? No. Was I going to man up and treat them with respect? Yes. Yes, I was. No matter how beautiful they were and how jealous I was, I could do this. I would do this.

  This was going to suck.

  Chapter 16

  Teaching your child to respect his elders is important. The elderly have earned our courtesy and regard. However, if the elder is an asshole simply teach your child to pretend he is from a foreign country and does not speak the language. This will ensure that they can politely ignore the old bastards.

  "Is this a fucking joke?" I demanded as I stared at the two old lady Vampyres flipping me the bird from the corner of their cell. "Where are Martha and Jane?"

  "Well, if it's not Boobs McGee," one of them said as she hopped up and danced over to the bars. Her clothing was appalling—light blue yoga pants with a lime green halter and black orthopedic shoes. The halter was not friendly to her sagging bosom, but she didn't seem to give a crap. Neither did her almost identical buddy. I closed my eyes and pinched the bridge of my nose. We were wasting time we didn't have. Furthermore, I thought Vampyres were supposed to be good looking. These little rude things blew that theory to Hell.

  "As far as I know my name is not Boobs McGee. Who in the Hell are you?" I hissed.

  She looked at me with wide and surprised eyes. The other little heinous Vamp hustled over to the bars, craned her fleshy neck out and stared.

  "You don't know who we are?" she demanded. "What the fuck happened to you?"

  Did I know them? They certainly seemed to know me. Was my name really Boobs McGee? I was kind of getting used to Astrid. Boobs McGee was hideous. You couldn't even shorten that one…the nickname would be BM. Nice.

  "If I knew who you were I wouldn't ask," I snapped as sparks began to spit from my fingertips. They paled and backed away in terror.

  "Hang on to your britches, Hooters McKnockerland," one of them said. It was a little difficult to tell them apart.

  "I thought you said my name was Boobs McGee," I ground out through clenched teeth. Why did I feel the need to smack them around? They were old ladies, for God's sake.

  They exchanged evil little smirks and cackled with glee. "Actually," the one on the right said, "you go by several names: Knockers Boobtastic, Rack LaGinormous, Chesty McMelons, Titty DuHooter…"

  "Betty Badoinkies, Mound LaChesticles, Gazonga Flapdoodle and Pillows Magambos," the one the left added with an incredibly straight face.

  "Enough," I yelled. It was clear they could go on all day. If one of those was really my name I was going to kill myself. It had to be around five and I knew from the billboard the American Idol show was at eight—time was running out. "Tell me where Martha and Jane are and I will consider helping you two imbeciles escape."

  Their silence and slack-jawed expressions were unnerving. Crap, what was going on here?

  "Um…that's Martha and Jane," Susu mumbled.

  "Bullshit," I said as I stared in shock at the women that I'd been jealous of for two days. If it wasn't so embarrassing I'd laugh. "You're Martha and Jane?" I demanded as I stalked closer to their cell.

  Backing away in fear they nodded like bobble heads. "We are. I'm Martha," the slightly shorter one said.

  "And I'm Jane," the other one muttered as she contemplated me like a science experiment.

  "What are you staring at?" I huffed out in exasperation.

  "It's not as much fun to fuck with you when you don't know who we are," Martha said as Jane grunted in agreement.

  I ran my hand through my hair and stared at the floor for a long moment. Clearly I knew them, but I didn't remember them. These were the Vamps I was supposed to save. They were annoying as Hell, but I was certain they were not Ethan's lovers. He'd been telling the truth. How did The Reggie think they were sexy? Would wonders never cease?

  "I'm having a little memory snafu at the moment. Don't tell me anything that I don't ask you. It could doom the life of Ethan's child. Do you follow me?"

  "Ethan's child?" Martha asked in confusion.

  "Yes. Were you kidnapped with the baby?"

  "Um…kind of," Jane mumbled, staring at my face like I had multiple noses.

  "How in the cocksucking Hell were you kind of kidnapped?" I yelled. I glanced over at Susu who nodded her approval of the way I worked in the legal swear word cock.

  "Well," Martha started slowly. "Those fucker Fairies tried to take the baby. We love that wild little thing more than our own lives so Jane here bit the son of a bitch so hard in the ass that her fangs got stuck. He tried to shake her off, but she didn't budge. You should have seen it. That asshat was twerking he was in so much pain. Jane was flopping around like a ragdoll, but she wasn't gonna let go for nothing. I have false teeth so that wouldn't have worked out for me."

  "Go on," I said. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. The story was beyond absurd.

  "Yep, my teeth were stuck in the fucker’s ass," Jane said proudly. "So Martha here took hold of his nuts and twisted the shit out of them. Ethan was busy ripping the head off of the other one, which was mighty
impressive I must say. Anyhoo, Martha had hold of his boys and she shoved them back up into his stomach." Her grin was psychotic, but I was slowly beginning to respect the old biddies. "His voice got real high and tinny and the wimp was sobbing like a girl. She tried to pry little Sammy out of his hands, but he was a strong little bitch. So she just wrapped her hands around his limp pecker and held on for dear life. Next thing we knew we were in this stupid ass amusement park locked up like prisoners."

  "Okay then." I was at a slight loss for words. They were certifiable, but they were brave. Ethan was going to have to reward them somehow for trying to defend his son's life—if Ethan and his son were still alive. "I'm going to break you out of here and we're going to get that baby. Ethan has been taken by the Fairies and I have no clue where The Kev is at the moment."

  "The gay Fairy?" Jane asked.

  "He’s not…" The memory came back. I'd had this conversation before, but thanks to The Dave it didn't hurt. It was a little weird, but not painful. Silently I thanked The Dave. I still had secret hopes that he would adopt me. "He's not gay. Gemma's not his beard and I never should have had you two idiots turned into Vampyres." I rolled my neck as another uncomfortable feeling rolled through me.

  "You're remembering and not in the fetal position anymore," Susu noted as she flitted around my head.

  "The Dave gave me a gift."

  She nodded reverently. "He is goodness."

  "Yep, so as I was saying…"

  "Oh sweet Puck in harem pants," The Reggie said breathlessly as he came up behind us. "Thank goodness I found you. Everything is a mess."

  "Hey sexy pants," Martha yelled as The Reggie blushed furiously.

  Oh my Hell. He did think they were sexy.

  "Show me that sweet ass, you tiger," Jane cooed and gave him a shimmy that made her torpedo tits sway in a very unflattering way.

  "Girls, you are too much," The Reggie said as he preened, yanked down his pants and displayed his backside for all to see.

  "Dude, pull up your pants now," I snapped in a partial state of shock. What was happening here? "Do you know where Ethan is and who took him?"

  "He's in the Palace with The Corrine. I'm not sure who took him, but The Corrine wants him to become her mate."

  "What the fuck?" Jane shouted. "He already has a mate, you assburger."

  "Stop." I turned and gave Jane a look so harsh, I was sure she swallowed her tongue. "Does The Corrine think he's Jon Bon Jovi?"

  "I am so fucking confused right now," Martha muttered.

  "Yes, she does. However, if she knew who he really was, she would want him even more," The Reggie told us. I could tell he wanted to show us his ass again. His hands were poised to yank his pants back down.

  "If you pull down your pants again, I will give you a ‘permanent tap that ass’ Kim Kardashian ginormo-butt. Do you understand?" I eyed him and he backed away. His squeal of terror was lovely. I was definitely getting my mojo back.

  "Yes," he whispered. "Do you want me to help you free the goddesses?"

  "What goddesses?"

  "Us, you dumbass," Jane said, completely insulted.

  Weird was my new normal. No, scratch that…Fucked up was my new normal. "Yes, The Reggie. That would save me some time and effort. I would appreciate it. Thank you."

  He pulled a set of keys from his pocket and opened the lock.

  "Is the baby Samuel okay?" I asked as I glanced around for Susu. Where the Hell did she go?

  "The baby is fine for now," he answered as he stepped into the cell and laid a wet one on Martha and then Jane. My gag reflex kicked in and I turned away in horror.

  That was my first real mistake of the day—and possibly a fatal one.

  When I assumed they were done with the PDA, I turned back only to be violently shoved on my ass by a freaked out The Reggie. WTF? He frantically slammed the door of the cell and locked it. I was now locked in the cage with Martha and Jane and The Reggie was on the other side. Not good.

  "What's going on?" I shouted and grabbed the bars. "What are you doing?"

  "You'll be safe here," he cried out as he backed quickly away from the cell. "I was supposed to keep you safe. You are safe now."

  "Son of a bitch," I screamed. "Come back here."

  "I can't. I'm sorry." He ran like the Devil was on his heels.

  In my fury I shot his departing backside with a blast of magic that would surely result in something heinous. I heard his gasps and screams as he sprinted away. I had no clue what I'd done to him, but I prayed it was hellacious. I rested my head on the bars. I wanted to cry. What else could go wrong?

  "Can you sing?" Martha asked.

  "Martha, shut your piehole. I have to think."

  "No, seriously Boobs, can you sing?" she asked again. I was so close to zapping her ass.

  "I'm fairly sure the future of the world is at stake and you’re asking me if I can sing?" I rolled my eyes and banged my head on the bars.

  "Listen to her," Jane insisted.

  "Fine. No. No, I can't sing," I said as I began to pace the small cell.

  "We're fucked," Jane groaned.

  "No shit, Sherlock," I snapped. "Wait. What are you talking about?"

  "We cut a deal. If we win American Idol tonight we get our freedom. If we lose we get decapitated," Jane told me with a delighted smile on her face. "I was thinking you could join us if you could sing. We're doing our Prince medley."

  She was insanity personified.

  "Well, it was nice knowing you. I have to get out of here." I rattled the bars of the cell and realized it was warded with some pretty fucked up magic. How did I let a wimpy Fairy lock me in a cell? "When I get out of here I'm gonna kill The Reggie so dead, there will be nothing left of him."

  "But he's our boyfriend," Martha protested. "He's one of the good guys."

  "No," I said in a voice that would probably cause them nightmares for the next century or so. "He is not a good guy. He just signed a death warrant for Ethan, the baby and possibly The Kev."

  "Well, fuck me running naked through Times Square on New Year’s Eve," Jane wailed. "That assjacket had us fooled. Do you think the shit weasel was using us?"

  "Don't know. Don't care," I said. "Stand back. I'm busting us out of here."

  "Hell to the yeah," Martha cheered. "I'm gonna remove that Fairy's pecker with a dull butter knife."

  "Awesome," I muttered as I pulled up magic from deep inside. Black glitter covered my arms and chest and flaming green sparks flew from my fingertips. Jane and Martha cowered in the corner as I aimed at the lock and fired.

  Nothing.

  "What the Hell?" I ran to the lock and examined it. It was as if nothing had blasted it. My gut clenched and my fury grew. I backed up, gritted my teeth and tried again. Sparks and bursts of purple fire bounced off the walls as we all ducked to avoid frying to a crisp.

  Nothing.

  This wasn't happening. I thought I was a True Immortal. I was one of the most powerful magical beings in the universe and I couldn't break out of a prison cell?

  "Why can't I break it?"

  "Dude, you're not at full power because you don't have all of your memory," Susu said as she floated into the cell through the bars.

  "Where in the Hell have you been?" I demanded. "I could have used a little help."

  "I went to say hi to The Dave." She was ashen faced and ashamed. "I am so sorry."

  "What are you and what the Hell can you do?" Jane asked as she examined Susu with narrowed eyes.

  "I'm a Mini Elf. I like to kill things and eat them," she said as Martha and Jane quickly backed up and hid behind me. "No worries." Susu giggled. "I only eat bad guys. Big ones."

  "Oh…well, in that case, nice to meet you," Jane said as she dropped into what I assumed was a curtsy, but looked more like someone taking a dump.

  "What else can you do?" Martha asked as she mimicked her friend's squat and crap move.

  "I can change anything visual—color, shape, size. I can also blow up the w
orld."

  "Impressive," Martha said. "Problem solved, Knockers Houllihan."

  "I assume you're talking to me," I said as I poked and prodded the lock. There had to be a way to break it.

  "Yep. Susu can get you and your tremendous bosoms out of here."

  "By eating you or blowing up the world?" I inquired in exasperation.