Personal Experiences

by Tracy Lee

  Boiling inside, I kept telling myself to stay calm; I needed to diffuse this situation. My children didn't know anything about the deal I made with Bear.

  "JoJo…baby, look at me" putting her cheeks in my hands, I guided her face towards mine so that her eyes made contact with mine.

  "Baby, I'm sorry you had to see daddy like that. I had to work late, I'm sorry about that too. I need you to take a deep breath, calm down and pull your shit together and answer some questions for me. When did he get home?"

  "I don't know momma, he was here when Katelyn dropped me off."

  "Ok, good girl, now was Harlee here when he went off on his rant?"

  " She was watching T.V. and he looked like he had just got out of the shower, all dressed up with cologne on, ya know? I thought he was getting dressed to go out with you. He was coming down the stairs talking about this house being a mess, I could hear him slurring his words so I went and snatched Harlee up and told her to run next door and stay there until either you or I came and got her."

  "Awesome baby…I'm so proud of you, you did right. I'm sorry you had to see that, you know how he gets when he's been drinking, he didn't mean what he said."

  "What was he talking about momma…why would he say me and Luc were bastards?"

  I did not want to tell the twins about TJ and me because of Bear's fucking attitude, that story was mine to tell, not his; and I wanted it to be on my terms. What a fucking dick, we had talked about this. I made it clear to him that he can treat me like shit but he was not going to treat any of my children like this.

  "Sweetie, that wasn't daddy talking, it was the liquor ok? Listen, I need for you to get your stuff, you have two more night of this community service let's get through this. Go clean up your face and let's go. I'm gonna call Mrs. Walters and tell her we are on our way. Now scootch…go now, babe."

  Watching her run up the stairs, I walked over and grabbed the cordless phone, then walk over to the breakfast nook and sat down at the dining room table. I set the phone down for a minute to catch my breath and calm down. I braced my head in my hands and counted to ten, then I dialed my neighbor and asked her to send my daughter home.

  Sitting there, attempting to collect my thoughts, the memory of another time Bear came home drunk came to mind. The twins were around 3 and Harlee was just born. The twins were asleep. I was up because of Harlee. She had colic and would cry a lot. It was after three in the morning and Bear still hadn't come home from wherever he was, this wasn't a surprise. Suddenly headlights shown through the window over the front door. I walked briskly over to the door and held it open as he stumbled up the front path. "Where the fuck you been Willie Jackson? It's after three in the morning and I have to work in the morning!"

  Getting right up in my face he slurred "Whodafuckyouthinkyoutalkintobitch? Last time I checked my momma done been buried out there in that cemtary under six feet of dirt!"

  I could smell the mixture of alcohol and cheap perfume on him…and it was strong.

  "You don't think you owe me a phone call, at least to let me know you're ok and alive?"

  "If I recall bitch…" He was right up in my face; spittle flew in my eyes. "I'm the one who you should be owin somethin too seeins how I was the one who saved your ass from havin a slut reputation even though I think maybe it would ‘a suited ya."

  Because he was drunk his reflexes were slow, so he didn't react until several seconds after I had pulled my hand away from his cheek from where I had slapped him with all my strength. Quickly grabbing my wrist, he twisted my arm behind my back and shoved my hand up between my shoulder blades, bent me over forward and got down so his mouth was next to my ear.

  "That was your freebie, bitch, next time I slap back and I guarantee you won't be getting up off that floor. Then since it looks like you aint a very good momma just fallin asleep wherever ya land, I'll be takin those bastard kids and findin them a proper momma; I'll take all three of them to where you'll never see them again. You try to leave with them? I will find'cha and I'll take ‘em then too. You wanna fuck with me? I aint that cocksucker that gave you those bastards, I don't walk away empty handed. Don't ever lift a hand to me again and don't ever ask me where the fuck I been, it aint your business!"

  I learned quickly not to ask any questions or make any waves, because if he was pissed off enough, he would take off with my kids and I believed him when he told me he would take them somewhere I couldn't find them. So, what he said went, no questions asked and as long as I had my kids, that was all that mattered.

  Coming back to reality, I shook off the memory and got my emotional shit together, plus the things I had to take to the football field. As I was doing this, my baby girl ran in the house, straight to me, her arms locked tight around my waist.

  This was the reason right here I put up with his shit; this made it all worth it.

  "Well, hey there my sweet angel, how was school today?" I said as I rubbed her back just to reassure myself she was there physically.

  "Good momma…have you seen JoJo?" With fear in her eyes she hesitantly looked around for her daddy.

  "Yes, and she's fine. She's getting her stuff cuz we have to go. Daddy left. Here, grab a pan of brownies and let's take ‘em out to the truck." I grabbed the other pans and headed for the garage; turning I screamed so JoJo could hear me "JoJo, come on, me and Harlee are in the truck waiting."

  We walked through the garage to the truck, put the pans of baked goods on the passenger front seat and Harlee jumped in the back. I heard her fasten her seatbelt and grab her PSP and start playing games. Now that I had Harlee settled, I looked up to see JoJo walk out and get into the back passenger seat. I heard her buckle her seatbelt, so as she faced forward, I turned around and smiled at her. I just sat there and stared at her for a moment. Seeing her smile at me, it was a beautiful pain that I felt looking into those eyes. Eyes that were hazel; greener then they were brown and a little dimple right under her left eye. She is her father's daughter and one of my reason for existence.

  "Ok?"

  "Yes momma, I'm ok."

  "Wonderful sweetie…love you my sweet baby."

  "Love you too, momma."

  "Good…I can never hear it enough."

  I turned back around and put the car in reverse and headed out.

  Pulling into the football field I looked around to see if Bear was here, thankfully, he's wasn't. I can handle making up excuses why he's not here easier then why he's showing up to his kid's football practice drunk.

  I waited for Harlee to jump out of the truck then I pulled the pans over my lap. I handed her one and I took the others and headed for the field. Seeing the boys scrimmage, I walked over to the middle set of bleachers and set down the pans of goodies, waved at some of the other moms and headed for the middle of the field.

  I saw Lucas out there grabbing a water bottle, I winked at him to acknowledge him as I walked towards the coach. Stepping up beside him, he didn't even have to turn towards me.

  "Elle…"

  "Coach Kenny."

  "He aint comin is he?"

  "No sir…I'm sorry."

  "Hmmmmm."

  "Coach…"

  "No excuses Elle, don't really want to hear the bullshit anymore and don't you apologize for him again."

  Steve Kenny, just like the rest of us grew up in this town. He was two years ahead of us and played football with TJ, but his sister Kelly was in our class. So Steve knew both Bear and Bubba and knew their reputations. Truth be told Bear's behavior probably didn't surprise him.

  "Yes, Sir." Truthfully, I couldn't blame him, this was becoming routine. "All I ask, Coach is that you don't let this affect Luc…please, he doesn't know what I had to come home to this evening."

  Slowly, Coach turns his head towards me and looks me over as if he is looking for some type of bruises.

  Responding to his observation, I whisper so softly I wasn't sure if he heard me or not; "just cuz you don't see black and blue, doesn't mean there aint bruises." No mor
e words were spoken. He nodded his head in acknowledgement and I turned to walk off.

  I heard the whistle blow then picked up Luc's voice calling for me, I turned around to see him running towards me pulling his helmet off. Meeting me on the side of the field he looked at me quizzically "Everything ok, momma?"

  Looking in his face, the same face I looked into in the car, I took this moment to quickly tell myself his father sure would be proud of him.

  Reaching up to touch his face and smooth his raised eyebrow, I smiled and asked "is it too embarrassing to give your ole momma a hug? I've had a shit day and need a hug from my big man".

  Not even hesitating he dropped his helmet on the ground, grabbed me and wrapped his arms around my neck.

  "It's gonna be ok, momma".

  Caught off guard by his reassurance I giggled "Hey, isn't that my line?"

  "Ya, but I just want you to know that ok?"

  "I know it is sweetheart…look, you better get back out there before Coach has you running laps. Don't worry Luc; be a kid, you only have one more year."

  He laughed as he ran back towards the other players and I heard the best phrase a momma could ever hear;

  "Love you momma!"

  Yep, best thing ever!

  Finishing up with football practice, I gathered up my things and my kids, saying goodbye to the other parents and headed towards the truck. Hearing my phone ring in my purse I reached in and grabbed it. I looked at the caller ID and saw that it was Bear. I pushed the ignore button. We all got in the car and headed home. I decided to stop on the way and grab a bucket of chicken and the fixings to feed the kids. I wanted to get them situated and have a nice long hot bath; Ehave an easy ending to a long day.

  Turning the corner to our street, I saw Bear's truck sitting out in the drive way. I began with the instructions for the evening because when Bear had been out drinking you never knew what kind of mood he was going to be in, so quickly I turned the radio off and slowed the car down.

  "Ok kids, listen up. Daddy's home, this is what's gonna happen; when we get in the house, Luc, you grab the food, JoJo, grab the plates and a couple cans of soda. Harlee you grab silverware. Take the food upstairs to Lucs' room. I like them going over to his room because it's furthest from mine. Ya'll sleep in his room tonight. Luc, as soon as the girls get in there, lock the door, turn the TV on and turn up the volume. Harlee take your PSP and headphones in there; watch movies or play games with your headphones on. Luc and JoJo, tomorrow morning if I'm not up before you are, get Harlee up and get her dressed, take my truck and go to school. Call Auntie Rachel and tell her to come over. DO NOT come in my room. I will call you during your lunch."

  Looking at each other, this was not a new routine. I've never not been up before them even if I was bad. I usually would put long pants and long sleeves on so they wouldn't see the bruises, but I wanted them to know exactly what to do. All three of them acknowledged me and I knew that my long hot bath was out of the question tonight.

  I pulled up to the house, took a deep breath and pushed the garage opener. I waited a minute; no Bear, so I pulled in. We all got out and headed into the house. We walked slowly into the kitchen and looked around as if looking for a burglar…no Bear. I helped the kids get in and situated. I carried the cans of soda up to Lucs' room and got blankets and pillows for the girls and kissed them all good night I wanted to show that it was just a normal night and everything was going to be ok…I hoped. I told them I loved them and headed out of the door. I reminded them to lock the door behind me.

  I slowly walked to my bedroom so that I could hear the turning of the lock on Luc's door and quietly opened the door. I was praying that he just passed out and I was safe tonight. I stuck my head in and saw all the lights turned out, thinking I was in the clear I walked in, shut the door and locked it. That's when I heard his voice.

  "Where you been?"

  I closed my eyes. Hearing him slur those three words, I knew he was trashed. I couldn't see him yet, my eyes still hadn't adjusted to coming in from out of the light, but his voice sounded like he was sitting over in the corner where my makeup counter was.

  "Luc had football practice…remember? You were supposed to meet me there. Coach Kenny wondered where you were so I told him you had to work late."

  "Tried to call ya. Why the fuck do I pay for you to have a phone if ya don't answer the mother fucker?"

  "I'm sorry Bear, I didn't hear it. I was helping Trisha Shepard stock the snack bar for the game on Friday night."

  Well, first off he doesn't pay for the fucking phone… I pay the bill. As a matter of fact, I pay all the fucking bills, but I wasn't going to argue this point with him right now seeing as he could barely talk.

  "Well, aren't you queen of all the right fucking answers tonight? Hmmmmm, doesn't take much for you to think of a lie to tell Kenny, who's to say you aint lying to me right now."

  Walking closer to his voice, I began to view a silhouette crouched in the corner of the bedroom "Bear, your drunk Honey, I'm tired, I had a shit day today, I just wanted to take a shower and go to bed. I have to be at the office early."

  I heard that menacing laugh getting closer to me, I stopped walking and began to back away in the opposite direction, my mind going a hundred miles a minute.

  "You've had a shit day huh…well, well…Queen Bitch didn't get everything handed to her on a silver platter, huh?"

  Reciting mentally over and over that I was not going to argue with him, I started walking over to the lamp beside my bed.

  "Don't you dare touch that fuckin lamp."

  "Bear, I have to see where my nightgown is."

  "Turn around" he said in his stern voice. I knew that voice, that scary, I'd-better-do-what-he-said voice.

  Quickly, I turned around so that my back was to him. I felt him come up behind me; slowly he ran his hands down the front of my blouse. Closing my eyes, I couldn't stand the feel of his hands on my body because I could smell the booze and nasty perfume on him. I had to tell myself not to think about it. I pictured TJ's hands rubbing all over me. With my hair still up from work today, he started sniffing and breathing hard against the back of my neck. All the sudden he pushed the back of my head forward; with vigor, moved away from me and screamed;

  "FUCK!!!!! YOU SMELL NOTHING LIKE HER!!! WHY CAN'T YOU LOVE ME LIKE HER!!!"

  Feeling disgusted, I didn't say a word. I felt around for the bottom of the bed. I worked myself around to my side and felt the soft thin silky material of my night-gown. Blindly, I walked to the bathroom. I reached my hand out as I felt myself getting close, and sensed the wall. I reached around and touched the switch; I flipped the light on and made the mistake of looking back at him.

  He looked like shit! His eyes were blood shot and the rims were blood red. His shirt was all the way unbuttoned and blood stained it. He also had thin lines of blood on the side of his mouth. Streaks of tears were running down his cheeks.

  He'd been crying…oh shit.

  All the sudden he was on top of me.

  "I told you bitch, leave the light off!"

  He quickly grabbed the top of my head and buried his fingers in my hair. Still pulled back tight in the bun, he was trying to pull my hair out. I reached back attempting to undo the bun so that it didn't pull as bad. I tried my damnedest not to scream loud but a yelp left my mouth; since I was caught off guard. I got my hair out of the bun, as he grabbed a handful of hair and dragged me to the bed. I tried to apologize to him and explain I just wanted to get changed but it did me no good.

  As he stalked to the bed he started talking.

  "Oh, so you wanted to get undressed huh? queen cunt-bag wanted to be a tease and walk ‘round here in front ‘a me without clothes on huh?" As he's saying this, he reached the bed, threw me down on it, face first and leaned his knee in my back to hold me down. He reached in THE drawer.

  Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit!!!

  Oh God…I started to panic. All the sudden I felt him straddling me. He stretched out my ri
ght arm to touch the headboard. I felt the leather strap being wrapped around my wrist right where I have tattoos on both wrists; usually they're pretty good at hiding the marks. I learned real quick, not to pull against him, all that did was make the bruises worse and the strap dig in my skin deeper, so I relaxed as much as I could and let my arm go with him. He does the other arm. I'm begging with everything that is in me; which every time he does this I swear, I won't do because he gets off on it but I end up doing it anyway.

  Now that he had me backwards with my arms restrained, he had total control over me; I couldn't protect myself at all.

  "Queen Bitch done thinks she's gonna walk round here naked like her pussy's made of pure gold. Well, let me tell you; that pussy right there, aint worth the shit I done put up with for seventeen years! I missed out on so much cuz of your slut ass. The parties, the women" Quietly he whispers, "Angie". Angie…Angie? Who the fuck is Angie? "You gettin' pregnant by that motherfucker and letting him go off to school while I raise them bastard kids. I should ‘a never offered you that arrangement. So, I think you owe me for seventeen worthless years and I will be collectin on that debt right now!"

  Before I could figure out his next move, I heard the ripping of clothes and then a tugging feeling hit me; he was ripping my clothes off… I closed my eyes and went to my place.

  It was strange, subconsciously I was with TJ, but yet I could hear Bear mumbling something about how he always knew I liked it rough. What I saw, clear as day was TJ and I wrapped up in black sheets. His bedroom…his bed. Lying naked, facing each other and not saying a word just staring at each other; contentment washed over me. Once and a while, I sensed the feeling of his hand pushing back the piece of hair that continually fell in my face. I closed my eyes; taking in all the peace that surrounded me.

  "Baby, look at me."

  I opened my eyes and stared into those eyes that could see my soul.

  "Stay with me Darlin…don't leave me…not yet."

  "Never, TJ… I will stay here with you… forever."

  "Baby, you can't stay forever, just a little while longer…hold on honey, it's almost over."