Personal Experiences

by Tracy Lee

  I couldn't feel any more pain. I wasn't feeling myself being pushed and tugged. My head didn't hurt anymore from having my hair pulled. My stomach wasn't aching from the punches to the ribs, and my face didn't feel like it was on fire from the jabs Bear was landing. It was like I wasn't even in my body. I loved where I was because I was with TJ; wrapped up in his arms. Safe and secure, no one could hurt me here. No one could take my babies from me; they were safe and I didn't have to worry about anything anymore. It's peaceful and serene and all because of being wrapped in his arms.

  "Time for you to go, Darlin.'"

  All the sudden, I was ripped out of serenity by hearing a high-pitched scream. I peeked through eyes that didn't want to open to see Rachel and Lilly standing over my bed looking at me with pure fear and pain all over their faces. Feeling my hands were still tied to the bed, I wasn't sure what to do, and I was naked. Rachel's hands were attempting to touch me…anywhere, but she acted like she couldn't find a safe spot to make contact with. Lilly was searching for a clean blanket to throw over me, bawling. Both their mouths were wide open and the only words I heard out of Rachel's was;

  "Jesus Christ, Elle what the fuck did he do to you baby, there's so much blood!"

  Chapter Five

  August 1992

  Being stuck in this hospital had been horrible. I was able to get out of bed and walk down the halls, anytime I wanted to as long as I had someone to walk with me, so found myself walking two or three times a day. It was looking like I would be able to leave tomorrow. Everything was staying down and my vitals were looking up.

  Walking back down the corridor to my suite I started thinking how I was ready to go home so that I could work on starting my new life. Now that school was out of the question, I knew that I wasn't going to stay in Richland but I didn't know where I was going to go. Maybe New York? California?

  Speaking of school, I had to tell Rachel now I wasn't going, what was I going to tell her? Coming up to my doorway I could hear voices coming from my room. Turning the corner I saw Rachel and Bear sitting in front of my bed.

  "Hey sweetie" Rachel smiled as she greeted me with her reoccurring southern greeting.

  "Hey Rach…Bear."

  "Hey."

  I slowly made it to my bed and decided not to take off my housecoat at this very moment seeing as how Bear was here and that would not be very lady like to go around just in a night-gown. I crawled back in bed and exhaled loudly.

  "How ya feeling sweetie?

  "Better, they're pumping me full of all kinds of shit, so…"

  As the nurse walks in, she doesn't say a word just goes straight to my IV bag. All three of us go silent. Rachel and Bear watch as she injects something into my IV.

  "What's that?" Rachel asks the air.

  "Oh, this is Ms. Barker's prenatal vitamin. Since she can't handle the tablet…yet she gets it through her IV…gotta make sure that baby gets its nutrients."

  My eyes get big and slowly turned back to Rachel and Bear to notice their eyes are as big as mine and their mouths are dropped open. Too bad there weren't any flies around; that would've made my day.

  No one said a word until we saw the nurse leave the room.

  "What the-" Rachel started.

  "You can't say a word… to anyone… not even Lilly. TJ doesn't know and he's not gonna find out… Swear it Rachel, swear it on our friendship right this very minute. This doesn't leave the three of us. I've come to the decision…I'm keeping it. I'm not going to school and I'm not staying in Richland."

  Not a word was said for a minute or two; finally, I broke the silence.

  "Well…you gonna say anything?"

  Rachel and I had been friends since we were two years old. We knew each other better then we knew ourselves and she understood how I felt about TJ and she realized the reasoning behind my decision. She knew I only wanted what was best for him.

  "I understand; and I swear it to you… on our friendship, this doesn't leave this room."

  "Bear, swear it. TJ cannot find out about this."

  Bear sat there for a few minutes, his eyes were staring off into space behind me.

  "What if I could do one better then promising not to tell him. What if we made a deal, just the two of us. I don't say anything to him about this, he goes to school, gets his degree and then gets picked up by the NFL and lives happily ever after; If…"

  He stopped talking for a second, looked at Rachel then looked back at me. I sat up, looked at Rachel then looked back at him."

  "If what, Bear."

  "You marry me and let me raise that baby as my own. My last name and other then the three of us, no one else knows any different."

  I looked at Rachel and busted out laughing. Rachel looked at me and smiled a small demure smile but that was it; there was no giggling.

  I looked back at Bear sitting there; not even smiling.

  "You're serious."

  "Dead."

  "Rachel, what do you have to say about this?"

  "Well, we have been discussing this for a while, I didn't want to go away to school with us as a couple so we agreed that we wouldn't be a couple anymore."

  Caught off guard with this information I asked "When the fuck did ya'll decide this?"

  Like it was just casual conversation Rachel replied; "we've been talking about it for the last month."

  "Bear, do you have anything to add to this?"

  "Nope, sure don't."

  Well…ok then.

  "So, you wouldn't have a problem with this, Rach?"

  "Fuck no, I'm going to college!" she said with a smile that went from ear to ear.

  She knew that Bear would never leave this town because he really didn't have the ambition to go anywhere else. He had no college degree; no plans on getting a college degree, no technical training, he had experience welding and working on cars but he wasn't going to get through life doing much more than that and Rachel…well, Rachel was Rachel. She was the only daughter of a millionaire and an eighth generation "Richland Locke" which said more than me being a sixth generation Barker. She was not going to be tied down to a poe-dunk town like Richland with a husband that worked on cars. Truth be told I think they both knew that.

  "If we do this, you both are going to have to work with me when it comes to TJ. I'm not gonna want to see him until after the wedding and enough time goes by that it seems that I got pregnant; after the wedding."

  "Well, there is one condition that you need ta'know before you say yes; so you'll know exactly what you're gettin into."

  I became hyper aware of the conversation now. Stipulations…Seriously? Oh, this I've gotta hear. "Ok Bear, go on."

  "If we decide to do this, when we get married you have nothing, and I mean nothing with Trevor McHale again. No phone calls, no visitation…nothing; EVER again. I don't want him to have a chance to see the kid and have him try and figure out what we did. That's my child and it will always be my kid."

  I could see his point on this and I really didn't want to have any contact with TJ because I knew how he felt and he would give up everything if he had to and that wasn't an option.

  Thinking about how much I loved TJ there wasn't any other option. I had to go through with this not just for him but for me, so that I wouldn't give into him when he would attempt to talk me out of this. I knew whenever I would go, wherever I would end up, he'd end up finding me and talking me back into his arms and then we would be right back to the image I had when the doctor told me I was pregnant. This had to happen and it had to be with Bear. TJ would feel so betrayed, so angry he'd write us both off…that's at least what I was hoping.

  "Ok Bear, you've got a deal."

  "Holy shit, this is gonna happen isn't it, Elle?" Rachel replied right after me like she thought this was an April fool's joke.

  "Sure as shit, Rach" was Bear's exclamation as he jumped up and froze.

  "When we gonna do this, I think it better be soon seein how's your gonna be showin shortly."

  "Well
one thing at a time. We have to get Rachel and TJ off to school and then we can take care of everything. I guess we kinda need a story too don't we?"

  "I guess we should think of one, people might get suspicious."

  Rachel rolled her eyes and uncrossed her legs and stood straight out of her chair and began "Good God ya'll, me and TJ left for school, you two were lonely, ya'll got together. Simple as that."

  "See, there's a reason why you're my best friend."

  Just about this time I heard a soft knock on the door and tender eyes that I had grown to care about more than myself peeked around the corner.

  "Is it ok to come in?"

  "Of course Darlin, please come in"; I told TJ as I saw Rachel and Bear whispering in the corner.

  "We are gonna take off babe, but I'm glad that you're finally getting over this food poisoning, I'll see ya at home." Rachel said winking as she bent down to hug me. I caught on quickly at that. I told them both thank you for the visit and they left.

  "So, food poisoning huh?"

  "Ummmm…ya, they should be letting me out today, I'm ready to go home."

  "Me too. Well, I'm ready for you to be home, that is."

  "Ya." I wanted to drop this subject and quickly, I was never a good liar and when I did attempt to lie I seemed to shrug my nose, he told me that was how he knew I was lying, I needed to quickly changed the subject.

  "How's the packing going?"

  "All done, except for the bag of dirty clothes I have for these next two days. Momma says she's going to wash them for me and then UPS them to me." He chuckled softly. "I think I will be just fine without one bag of clothes."

  I could feel the tension in the room, I was scared to talk as to not give anything away and he was scared to talk because he knew something just wasn't right with me.

  I felt like someone was stabbing me in the heart and wouldn't pull the blade out, they just kept pushing further and further into my chest, it was taking everything in me not to burst out and cry.

  There wasn't anything more in life that I would have wanted then to have something that was a part of me and a part of him growing inside me, something that was made by two people that were so in love with each other that they would die for one another. I would want him or her to know all about that love. To see that love grow not only for him or her but for us as a family, but that wouldn't happen; not now, not ever.

  I didn't think I could go through with this, I didn't think that I would be able to keep this from him. Just as I was about to let him in on everything; the pregnancy, me marrying Bear. Just then I heard a rasp on the door.

  "It's only me" I heard my dad say before he came in with a large grin on his face.

  "Well, Dr. Robbins is letting you go. He's filling out your discharge papers as we speak."

  He caught eyes with TJ and nodded as he walked over to me to plant a small kiss on my forehead.

  "Wonderful" I replied through an artificial smile and as little feeling as possible.

  TJ clapped his hands together; "That's great Elle! Is there anything you want me to take, I can grab some things and bring'em over. You know I leave in three days so I'd like to spend as much time as I can with you."

  "Nah, I think I'm good. If you'd like, you can go ahead on over to the house, we should be there shortly. You can find out what Clara made for dinner and call to give me a head's up…I'm ready for some home cooking."

  Giving a little chuckle," Yep, I can see you're feelin better; already thinkin ‘bout food" my dad replied.

  TJ closed in on me, gave me a soft kiss on the lips and I couldn't hold back anymore. Luckily he turned his back to me and headed out the door.

  "Baby-"

  "Daddy, it's for his own good."

  "Is it now?"

  "You know he'll end up resenting me for holding him back"

  "He'll end up resenting you for not telling him he has a child."

  "So either way I lose. How can I pick? I feel I am doing what is right in my heart for him"

  "I know you are and I have to say that I admire you for that."

  "Well, there's something you don't know. Rachel and Bear came and saw me this afternoon and Bear and I have come to a… ummmm… an arrangement.

  Daddy grabbed a chair and pushed it closer to the bed; "Oh?"

  "Yeah, he's going to marry me and raise the baby as his own, that way TJ will never find out about this."

  "Elleny, I don't think-"

  "It doesn't matter what you think daddy. I agreed to it, this is going to happen. I'm marrying Willie "Bear" Jackson."

  I sat up on the side of the bed and tried to get up but whether it was the dizziness from being dehydrated or from being broken inside, I sat back on the bed and sobbed silently. The only way my dad knew I was crying was from seeing my body shake.

  "Elleny-"

  "Daddy, can I just be alone for a minute. I just need some time to myself."

  He exhaled because he knew I had made up my mind; "Sure baby, I'll just take your things down to the car." Grabbing the bag of my clothes from the day I entered the hospital and the two flower arrangements that were there when I woke up, my dad headed to the door "Elleny, I just have one more thing to say, I'm gonna say it then head down to the car and not bring it up again. What you're doing takes an immense amount of courage. Courage people your age don't necessarily have. I know you're scared beyond existence, Honey because of a future that not only you have no control over for yourself, but now, for that sweet innocent grandchild of mine that you're carryin'. What you are doin is so beyond selfless that it amazes me. The ones who don't know what you're about to do, don't get to appreciate it for what it really is; they don't even realize the gifts they are missing out on seeing…but I know, so do you; don't ever forget that. Do not let anyone try and put you down about it either and most importantly, don't ever forget why you're doing it. I am so honored that you are my daughter. You're momma is looking down on you right at this moment and is beaming with pride for you. I want you to know that I love you and am so pleased that you have become the woman you have become…a spittin image of your momma."

  With that, he walked out of the room and I sat there, alone, having lost my best friend who will be leaving for college, the love of my life, whom didn't know it yet and lost what I knew as my life.

  But what made it all better was I knew that eventually, I would have a piece of me with TJ's eyes and his brown hair and my smile that looked at me every day of her or his life like I looked at TJ, with all the love in the world and that would be enough to get me through.

  * * *

  Standing out in front of Rachel's house I didn't know how to feel. I said goodbye to her, hugged and cried a little more then I should've, but I totally blamed that on the hormones. I told her I would call her and then I whispered in her ear how I was sorry she would have to miss the big day but I would think about her. She nodded to me but didn't say anything, this was as hard for her as it was for me. She was gone, just like the fog in the early morning, one minute it's there and the next; gone. I was excited for her, but yet I felt like my world was crashing around me. I had no future; the future I had been planning since I started kindergarten was now not even an option. My best friend, since I was four, who I could not remember going a day without seeing, was off and moving away and tomorrow the man I loved since I was in second grade was leaving my life for good…forever. And what made me even sicker was he didn't even have a clue about it. I had to distance myself without making it noticeable that I was distancing myself.

  Talk about serious cluster fuck!

  Since I left the hospital, two days ago, he has been with me almost twenty-four, seven. He would come to the house early in the morning, crawl up in my bed and hold me and just talk about what he was looking forward to when he went away to school and then telling me how he would be counting down the days until Thanksgiving when we would be back together for four whole days. Then there was Christmas; I just laid there, head tucked nice and tight u
nderneath his chin his smell just encircling me, my warm breath blowing back in my face and I just took it in. Every breath, every smell every touch, the sound of his Georgian accent how his" –ing's" were short a "G". I memorized it all. To him, it was all about the comfort of knowing there would be a tomorrow, for me it was all about the knowing there wouldn't be one. I held tight to what I could hold for today.

  We'd get out and head to breakfast either grabbing something quick and lite from Clara or he'd take me into town to a restaurant. Then we'd find something to do either walk the streets of town or just go out to a field, jam the radio and make love in the back of his truck. I thrived for every touch, every kiss. I had to get my fill, but it seemed like it was never enough.

  Finally, the day had arrived.

  I drove to his house early in the morning. The day had already started rough seeing as I was throwing up all night, I knew I couldn't miss this. I pulled up to his drive and saw that his truck was already set to go and already warming up. I opened up the driver's side door and stuck two gifts, beautifully wrapped in my favorite color wrapping paper and an envelope that said "Open at purchaser's discretion". I crawled back out and went to the front door and rang the doorbell.

  "Morning, Mrs. McHale" I said to TJ's momma who looked like she hadn't slept all night.

  Wiping away at her eyes, like she was trying to catch the tears before they fell she whispered "Sweetie, what am I to do…my baby boy is…is…" and there they were, falling again. I hugged her tightly as tears came to my eyes as well; Ahhhh, fuck off hormones! "It's ok Mrs. McHale, he'll be back in just a few weeks."

  "I know, it's just really hard. I bet your daddy's happy as a lark that you decided to stay and help him with his practice for a year."

  "Yes ma'am, he is but yet he feels he's holding me back as well." I replied as I came up with that little ditty on the fly.

  As we hugged, I heard TJ coming down the stairs laughing loudly and boldly.

  "Now, now I can't have my two best girls cryin like this as I pull away, I will be a nervous wreck driving, worryin bout ya'll".