Personal Experiences

by Tracy Lee

  "Hey Honey," I said as I wrapped him in a hug, pleading with my hormones that if they leave me the fuck alone for the next thirty minutes they can come out to play for the rest of the day. They listened for about three. Walking him out to the car his momma under his arm, I followed them out and let him say goodbye to her. Then she left and let us have our time.

  Pushing my hair back from my face he stared into my eyes; "Elle, I'm gonna call you tonight, k?"

  "I know you'll be busy, just text me and let me know you arrived safely. Get settled, meet your roomies and get back with me when you get a chance. I'm not your first priority anymore." I couldn't look him in his face anymore, I couldn't stare into his eyes, I had to pull my eyes down at my fingers messing with his t-shirt pulling at the bottom of it and rolling it up. "Have fun. Remember I will see you in a coupl'a weeks and we will have fun making up for the time apart" I said in a flirtatious way as I winked. This was the hardest thing I ever had to say and I can't believe I made it through without crying…YAY Hormones!!!

  "Ok sounds good." He kissed me deep and passionate and I ate it up. Wanting this kiss to never end I lingered slowly and teasingly on his lips and he fell for it until he had to go.

  "Baby, I put two gifts in your truck. One you can open any time after tonight. The second one you can open any time after you get to missing home, I mean REALLY missing home; it will help with the nostalgia. The envelope; please don't open it until after your first day of school. Promise me you will follow these instructions"

  "Ok, I promise, but the one I can open tonight better be a picture of you wearing nothing at all."

  "Ha-ha, Mr. McHale, you'll have to see. You drive safe baby and remember always" I got up close and I ran my palm over his cheek, looked him directly into his eyes as though I was looking into his soul…"I am anchored to you forever, Trevor McHale."

  The smile left his face and his eyes became serious and he placed his hand over mine that was still against his face and he replied "love you, babe."

  As he hopped up into his truck, he turned around quickly; "Oh hey Elle, you'll always be my first priority". I smiled and lifted my hand in acknowledgement; quietly I whispered to myself "not anymore" and watched him pull out. He had no idea that he would never be seen by me again. I would never hear his voice again. I got in my car and drove faster than I had ever drove before. I ran red lights, I didn't care; my life was over. I have no idea how, but I made it to my driveway…once I got there I put the car in park and screamed as loud as I could until I had no voice left and cried until I had no more tears left to cry.

  Chapter Six

  Present Day

  "Holy Shit Rachel, I don't know where to touch her, she's bruised everywhere and look at the inside of her thighs, what the fuck did he use on her?"

  The only thing I could get out of my mouth was "Where is he?"

  "Baby, don't talk we have to call the police and get you to the hospital"

  At that I began throwing and tossing my body around, they both immediately tried to hold me down.

  "No hospital, no cops. He'll take my babies. Is he here?"

  I knew what my main priorities were and I needed to get those settled first.

  "Where are the kids?"

  "Look, Elleny, the kids are fine, they're at school. It's nine am and Luc called me this morning when you didn't come down for breakfast. He said that Bear was gone before they got up and out. We had a bitch of a time getting into the house because it seems that the locks were changed and I didn't have a key, we had to break in through one of the back windows."

  That son of a bitch!

  He went and changed the locks and since I and the kids always used the garage door I never even knew. Did he think he was going to kick me out of my own home? This is my home. His name is nowhere on this deed. My father and my names are on this house.

  "Shower, I have to get to the shower."

  I looked up at them and shake my hands at them to ask them to untie me, they hesitantly looked at each other and finally Lilly screamed "Fuck, seriously? You cannot really think that I am ok with this, I mean come on, look at you Elle, you are black and blue all over your body, you have blood in between your legs; that shitbag raped you and you want me to help you up, put you in the shower and help you get dressed like any other normal day?"

  "Yes."

  That was all that I could get out. I hadn't had a chance to look down at my body and I seemed to be numb since I really couldn't feel all that she was describing.

  With tears falling down my face, I explained to her through a scratchy throat and lungs that seemed to fill only when I made them about how it was. The threats that he had made to me, to take my kids down to the swamps of Louisiana and how I would never see my kids again and that, to me, wasn't an option.

  I also had to get it together because my children would never come home to a mom that was bruised and bleeding. I may be damaged on the inside but, by God, no one would see it on the outside.

  This wasn't the first time that he had done this to me and it probably wouldn't be the last but I had one more year to deal with it for the twin's sake and I had four more years to deal with it for Harlee, then they would be on their own and I could divorce this madman, this man I grew up with, who we named Bear because he loved to hug. Now he was just a monster who scared the living shit out of me because why, of some girl? She could have him, he just had to leave, why he was staying I had no idea, I knew my reason for staying, I gave up on love seventeen years ago. Love didn't exist to me anymore, other than my children.

  Slowly my two sisters untied my wrists that were so bruised and cut up you could see pieces of meat where skin used to be, then helped me to the bathroom where I sat down in a warm bath, Rachel washed my hair and Lilly sat over in the corner and cried, I began to think back at where I was.

  "Lils, I didn't feel a thing, baby doll."

  She picked her head up, lowered her finger that she had bit the nail down to the quick and looked at me.

  "What did you say?"

  "It was strange. It was like I wasn't even there. I was with TJ and he kept telling me to look in his eyes and that it would be over soon, for me to stay with him."

  As I was telling her this, she began to cry more, not like she was afraid of what she was seeing, but that she knew that there was no other place that would bring me the ultimate peace, the serenity I would need to get me through something so horrific as what had happened to me last night.

  Rachel stopped massaging my head and came and sat beside me. She touched her palm to the side of my face and looked into my eyes; I stared back into her eyes that had now become watery. We didn't say a word, I knew what she was saying and I didn't blame her at all; that if she hadn't have brought him to my hospital room that day he would've never made me that deal and I wouldn't be in this situation.

  I grabbed her hand continuing to look in my eyes and I just shook my head. A tear left her eye and she nodded her head. She understood. We had a straight up conversation that took away a heart full of guilt without saying a word. She stood back up and continued washing my hair.

  Feeling a bit rejuvenated after my bath, I went into my closet and totally remembered my job.

  "Fuck!!!"

  Both women came running as though someone called "Fire!!"

  "What" They both screamed at the same time.

  "I didn't call into work. I bet Loren is freaking the fuck out."

  Rachel exhaled in relief "Shit Elle, don't scare me like that. I called this morning, told him you weren't feeling good, he told me to stay in touch with him if you couldn't make it in tomorrow."

  I knew why he wanted to keep in contact, the McHale merger, which I had yet to tell the girls about. They were going to shit golden bricks when I tell them that I am having lunch with not only Trevor McHale, but the man that I, just told them, go away to my peaceful place with. Oh yeah, HUGE, golden bricks!!

  "Thank you, I appreciate that. Let me get dressed and I will meet ya
'll downstairs, there's so much I wanted to tell you tonight but I guess right now is as good as any."

  "Are you sure? Do you need any help?"

  "Honey, this isn't the first time I've been through this, this is just the first time it's been bad enough you've had to find out about it"

  With this information, Rachel jumped as if a bolt of lightning hit her.

  "You mean to tell me….this" she points her finger up and down my body "This has happened before…and…and" coughing like she's holding down her temper "you didn't even call anyone to come and help you? You had to deal with this" again with the finger "all alone?"

  "Rachel."

  "No, don't Rachel-me bullshit! You mean to tell me that I live not more than ten minutes from you, Lilly lives not more than fifteen minutes from you, I have no children, a husband who works from home and Curt is home every night to watch Austin and you can't even call us to come and help you get situated from your piece of shit husband raping and beating the shit out of you? Am I hearing you right?"

  "Rachel, this is my problem, my responsibility. Like my piece of shit husband tells me… I've made my bed, now I have to lie in it. I'm a big girl I can handle myself. Just like you pointed out, you have families too. Besides, I really didn't want you to see me like that, it's kinda humiliating."

  "If it happens again and you don't call me and I find out about it, I'm going to the police. That's a promise! You call me!"

  With that she left my closet, walked hard to my bedroom door opened it and slammed it shut.

  Yeah, I'd say she was a little upset.

  "She's just worried about ya babe, that's all."

  "I know that Lils but I can't be calling ya'll to be my knight in shining armor every time he comes home and feels like being an asshole. I've dealt with it this long, I can deal with it a while longer."

  Lilly walked up to me and grabbed my hand "Honey, no one should have to deal with anything like that."

  With that she kissed my cheek and walked out of the closet and walked downstairs.

  She did it a lot quieter.

  * * *

  "Holy shit on a stick!"

  That would be Lilly's reaction to what I just told her about the merger meeting that I will still be attending tomorrow afternoon.

  "Fuckin'A."

  That would be Rachel's response to her being told.

  "Yeah, that's what I said too. I was still shell shocked from seeing him, now all the sudden I'm supposed to sit down with him and have a drink with him? I mean, come on the nerve of him, leaving a sit down meeting, refusing to sign the contracts and demanding a meeting over drinks with the contention of signing the papers and delivering them to me."

  Rachel, as I have found as she has gotten older, the more pissed she is, the more she likes to cook. So I came down to lunch that was amazing. Grilled shrimp over cheese grits, fresh roasted tomatoes, straight from the garden which I always keep sitting in my window above the sink drizzled with olive oil and salt-n- pepper and afresh mango chutney that is to die for. Needless to say, I won't be eating dinner tonight that's for sure.

  "Are you going to tell him?"

  Ahhhhhh, the infamous question; one that has been beating around in my brain for forty-eight hours now. Do I tell him about the twins or not. Not only do I have to think about something that would change his life forever, I have to think about something that would change the life of the twins forever. A lie that has been unspoken for seventeen years.

  "I don't think so."

  "Elle, he has a right to know. You did what you did so that he can fulfill his life's dreams, the way it sounds, him being gone, not even in contact with his family for seventeen years and showing up in a fifteen hundred dollar suit, he's achieved just about everything he's going to achieve."

  "Yeah, but it's not just about him anymore, I have two others that this could be devastating to. Growing up thinking one man is your daddy and then BAM!! Finding out nope, sorry; I've lied to you this man's your daddy. I just figured I'd tell them when they turned eighteen if they wanted to find him that would be their decision."

  I looked at Lilly sitting across from me, fork halfway to her mouth, staring at the wall behind me with the biggest shit-eating-grin on her face."

  "Lilly, what the fuck is wrong with you?"

  "Could you imagine his surprise finding out that he had a kid, he'd probably mess his shorts. Now imagine him finding out he has a set of twins…oh my god, I'd love to be a fly on the wall when that conversation took place."

  All three of us busted out laughing all at once. I was holding my side while I laughed because of the pain but I didn't care, she was right that would be a sight to behold. I could picture his mouth falling open when I'd tell him he had a son, then I could picture his knees wobbling when I continued on with…"oh and by the way, you have a daughter too."

  I wasn't sure what to expect from this meeting, was it going to be a bitch out session for the way I left him or maybe a reunion session, maybe he still had feelings for me. Maybe he wanted to introduce me to his wife and rub it in my face the way that Bear rubbed it in his. Shit, now I was getting nervous, I didn't know what to expect. Maybe I was just getting myself into a tizzy and it was going to be exactly what he said it was going to be; picking up signed contracts and possibly a drink.

  I stood up and asked the girls if they wanted dessert. I had an apple pie in the freezer. I had always made my desserts from scratch but I kept a pie in the freezer for emergencies. In Georgia, you never knew when someone was going to stop by to lolligaggin so you always had to be equipped for the "just in casers".

  They both agreed to pie so I got up and started the oven and brewed some coffee. Since it wouldn't be long before the kids got home I pulled out a package of cookie dough as well (see, always prepared) and threw the dough out on a cookie sheet.

  "You know Darlin, as soon as you walk through that door tomorrow night you have to call me and let me know what happened." Lilly demanded.

  "I was waiting on which one of ya'll was gonna be first" I responded with a little laugh as I got down the coffee cups and dessert dishes and set them around the table.

  Not wanting to bring up any more of that Rachel changed the subject and quickly.

  "Remember that time when we were in the eighth grade and we spent the night at Lilly's and snuck out of her house and went and visited the boys one by one?"

  Throwing the cookie sheet with the pie on it in the oven, I went back to the cookie sheet and threw that in the oven as well, replying to Rachel;

  "Rachel Locke-Harrington, you know that's not what happened at all. We went to Bear's first then we went to Curt's and Bear went with us and then we ended up at Curt's and we picked him up too and then headed over to TJ's and all of us climbed in his window and played a game of Truth or Dare?"

  "Holy shit, how do you remember all that?"

  Pointing to my head with my index finger I informed her "I remember all."

  Laughing, she reminded me of the time that we all went out for milkshakes after a movie one Friday night… "Dana Cisco was staring at TJ like she was undressing him with her eyes. Well, remember how the boys started talking about it? So you decided you were gonna ask her, very politely as I recall, if she liked what she saw? She then informed you that she would like it much more if she could see what was going on under those clothes. I swear, Elle…you were as fluent as water, Sweetie when you grabbed her by the hair and tossed her to the ground. Before anyone could get to you, she already had a split lip and you had begun punching the rest of her face in. Haha…the bitch deserved it; seven stitches to her cheek and two to her lip, bet she didn't wonder anymore what TJ was wearing underneath his clothes."

  I started laughing and realized that I heard laughing behind me, so I turned around and noticed Lucas, JoJo and Harlee were all standing there listening to Rachel tell how I beat the snot out of Dana Cisco.

  "Momma" Harlee shouted and ran over to hug my waist. I grimaced a little, looking over a
t Rachel and Lilly I could see them wince but didn't let a sound out other than my standard normal greeting.

  "Hey there my sweet angel! How was school?" God it made it all worth it to feel those arms wrapped around me and to rub circles on her back to let me know that she was in fact standing in front of me.

  Harlee let go of my waist and babbled on about her day. I told her cookies would be ready in a bit go upstairs and work on her homework and I would call her down when they were ready. After of course, giving her Aunties some love.

  Rachel and Lilly loved on her for a few, then she flew upstairs I'm sure to play on her PSP or PlayStation.

  At this time both Lucas and JoJo came up and hugged me together, again I winced but not as bad they were gentler with me the Harlee was.

  "Momma, we've been so worried, you said you'd call and you didn't."

  "Babies, I'm fine, I'm sorry I didn't call it took me a little more time than I thought to get, ummmm… situated. Your daddy and I were up late discussing some issues."

  "mmm-huh, sure."

  "Luc, baby look at me, it's fine; I'm fine. Don't you worry about your ole momma here, it's all good. Now you go on upstairs and get to your homework I will call you down when the cookies are ready ok?"

  "I'm gonna bash his skull in."

  I stopped dead in my tracks and looked at my seventeen year old son and thought to myself…my God, what have I done?

  "Darlin, I'm fine… see?" I turned in a circle with my arms up, reassuring him that I was ok. Looking over at Rachel and Lilly they looked at Lucas like they knew he was serious and wasn't fucking around anymore with this bullshit.

  "Momma, I am not a fucking idiot! I may not know what exactly he's doing to you but I know he's doing something and if I find out that he's doing what I think he's doing I swear to God, Momma; I'll kill ‘em."

  "Dylan Lucas, look at your momma, son!" I grabbed his face with both hands and looked him straight in the eyes. "For one, I love you more than my life itself. Anything and everything I do is for you and those two girls up there. I know that you're seventeen and you think that you're big and bad and can take on the world, but if something would ever happen to you whether it be; God forbid an accident or you goin to prison or jail, I couldn't go on. Do you understand that?"