Personal Experiences

by Tracy Lee

  He was quiet for a moment.

  "Answer me, son."

  "Yes." ma'am"

  "Ok, good, now second; no one is ever worth losin your life over, whether it be to death or by prison, they aint worth it. So, you let it go so that you can see another sunrise and another sunset. You got me?"

  "Yes ma'am."

  "Ok, I love you, my big protector."

  "Love you too, Momma."

  "Mmm-kay, say hello to your Aunties, tell em you love then and then get on up there and do your homework, call you in a bit."

  "Yes ma'am, hey Aunt Rachel, Aunt Lilly, love ya'll"; he said as he walked to them and planted a swift kiss on both their cheeks.

  "Oh, and Luc? I didn't miss that "F" word comin out of your mouth."

  Luc chuckled like he thought he got away with saying it and then ran upstairs.

  Us girls sat around the table for a moment and didn't say a word, we just let everything that just happen sorda soak in. I heard the timer for the cookies, got up and took them out of the oven and set them on the cooling rack; all still in silence.

  "I totally believe Luc would kick Bear's ass."

  Yep, that came out of Rachel's mouth.

  We all laughed for a second and it wasn't like a laugh that just broke the silence this was a laugh like we all had lost our minds. The kind where you want to stop laughing but every time you think to stop, you just laugh more. That was us.

  They both continued to laugh and started talking among themselves while I went to the fridge to pull out more creamer; I opened the door and stopped. Feeling sick to my stomach, I froze.

  Their curious eyes come to me as to wonder what was so exciting in the fridge.

  "Oh my god! I just thought of something; TJ is going to own Bear's company."

  Both smiles were wiped off their faces. They hadn't thought about that either. But what had hit me thirty seconds ago was just hitting them straight between the eyes.

  Bear was going to know that he was back in town, which meant the shit was about to hit the fan for me.

  As the timer went off for the pie, I slowly went back over to the stove and removed the pie from the oven and set that on the cooling rack as well. Not waiting I went to the freezer and removed a tub of vanilla ice cream, sliced a hot piece of apple pie and placed it on a dessert plate with a large scoop of vanilla ice cream that immediately began melting as soon as it hit the pie, and then made two more plates.

  Lilly asked "What can we do? Can you specify that the new owner's not be named? Or that their offices not be located there?"

  "People around town are going to be talkin, Lils and I can't put a stop to that, this is a small town and you know how the people are. TJ's gonna see his family. I can't stop him from comin into town."

  Rachel concurred and added the Richland Gazette was going to have a field day with this. "Not only has the prodigal son returned home after seventeen years but he's come back with power and money and bought the one enterprise that keeps Richland functioning. He is either going to be some of the town's liberator or for those that share the same mentality that Bear has, he is going to be their demolisher."

  "Maybe he hasn't fulfilled everything he had set out in life to do, I think I would want retribution for the way that Bear treated me don't you think Elle?" Lilly said as she lifted her coffee cup to her mouth and looked straight in my eyes.

  Chapter Seven

  September 1992

  It had been two weeks since TJ left. He had called several times within those two weeks but I stuck to my guns and didn't take any of his calls. Bear and I were planning on going the next day up to Tennessee to get married so that no one in town would find out and spread the word, I needed TJ to find out when he read that letter, I wanted to be the one to tell him and according to the times he'd called he hadn't read it yet.

  We had been spending more time together, had even shared our first kiss a couple of days ago and it wasn't bad, it wasn't TJ but it wasn't bad. It was really strange kissing someone other than Trevor. Don't get me wrong Bear had soft, full lips the kind that you could suck on as you teased him into a deeper kiss. He tasted of mint and what I figure was just Bear; he did take his dip out of his mouth before and rinsed his mouth but I could still taste what I think dip would taste like. It was totally different from TJ who tasted like sweet cinnamon sugar, honey and peppermint. No matter what time of the day I would kiss him I could taste this on him.

  We hadn't talked about the intimacy issue as of yet, we were trying not to rush this but we didn't have a lot of time. I guess we'd get to that bridge any day now.

  It was decided that we would stay with my father and Mona just until I could find a job. When my momma died she had had a trust fund set up for me where I was set for the rest of my life and I really didn't need to work but I liked to work, it kept me busy and I felt that I was being useful. Also, I didn't want to touch that money because it seemed like if I used it I was losing a part of my momma, I didn't have very much of her left, so I treasured what I did have.

  If I had to I could pull some of the money out of there, but I wanted to get a job and see where that led me. So, we agreed to live with daddy and Mona. I was still getting sick…a lot, so I was back and forth to the doctor's office where I would get intravenous pre-natal vitamins and also something for the nausea. This was another reason I wanted to stay with daddy, if anything went wrong with the baby he'd be there and could do something right away. Even if his office was a ten minute drive from his house it made me relax a little knowing he wasn't far away. I wasn't taking any chances with this baby, he or she was all I had left of him and I wasn't ready to lose all of him.

  As I was packing a bag, my daddy came in and sat down on my bed.

  "How ya feelin?"

  "Good, I ate some toast and broth for dinner and so far…so good."

  "Excellent, you know I was looking over your chart, you've lost another ten pounds."

  Yeah, that's what Norma said when she weighed me yesterday when I came in. I'm not gonna worry about it" I paused for a second and looked at my daddy "are you?"

  "well, you're just in your first trimester and some women do lose some weight, I just want you to be watchful and cautious. Stay lite and high in fat or protein if you can. Jell-O I know has become somewhat of an passion of yours but it's not nutritious"

  "I know, I will watch it, I'm only gonna be gone for two days, we will be back in no time. Have Clara make some of her chicken soup and put it in the fridge so's when I get back it will be good and blended together."

  Laughing my dad assured me there would be chicken soup in there for me to feast on when I returned.

  Yawning, he took the hint that I was ready for bed, so he stood and walked across the room and wrapped up what he came in to say.

  "You're gonna make an absolute wonderful wife you know this, don't you."

  Softly I whispered "Thank you, Daddy."

  I saw him wipe his eye "I wish your momma was here to see this day"

  I quickly got up and hugged him.

  "She is daddy, she's watching over us in everything we do."

  He reached into his back pocket for his cloth handkerchief that had his initials eloquently embroidered on and wiped his eyes and then his nose.

  "I hope he ends up loving you more then I loved your momma."

  "Daddy, I don't think anyone could love someone more than that."

  "Well, he damn well better try, because I know how to mix drugs to where it looks like you died of natural causes."

  Laughing, but yet kind of freaked out I scolded him "Daddy, you're not supposed to say things like that out loud."

  "I know I just wanted you to know what I just spent an hour talking to him about."

  Oh my God, no he didn't!

  "You didn't."

  "I did, and he understands perfectly."

  Well, even though we weren't having a traditional wedding I guess it didn't mean the traditional father/ son-in-law talk wasn't required.
My cheeks turned red.

  "Tell me again daddy."

  My dad was standing across the room from me so he walked over to my bed next to me and sat down.

  "Tell you what, Elleny?"

  "What you said to me in the hospital because right now I need some encouragement. I feel like a coward."

  "Why? Because you're thinking with your head instead of your heart? Because you know that Trevor was never meant to grow old in this town. Trust me baby, no matter what he decides to do or where he decides to go he will never, not ever find bigger and better than you." Standing, he walked to the window and looked out into the starry night, the moon shedding just enough light into the window, it shined on his face showing my father's age, crow's feet around his eyes, his laugh lines that had once been there from the joy he shared with my mom had diminished to just short wrinkles around the top of his lip; he looked exhausted. "No matter how much you think that you are holding back from him, things would be so much worse if you held him back.

  As tears welled in my eyes I knew that was true. TJ was too special and had too many wonderful abilities for him to grow old in this town, he needed to go out in the world and let them see all the beauty and potential that I saw in him. The problem was, I didn't want to let him go. Call it selfish, call it jealousy, I don't give a fuck; I loved him, I wanted him here to experience all that I was going to get to experience with this baby, that we both made and made with love. All it would take was a phone call, one small little phone call and everything would be perfect; for me.

  "Honey, I know that your heart belongs to Trevor but I really respect Bear stepping up to the plate, he didn't have to do what he's doing and take on the responsibility he will be taking on and I feel that he will be someone you will grow to love in the long run."

  Looking down in my lap so my dad didn't see the tears, I asserted "I will never love another daddy."

  He turned and looked at me and I saw what was in his eyes, understanding and pain. My dad had lost the one who held his heart and he would never get it back. He would go the rest of his days and never know love again, and that destroyed his life, I mean, don't get me wrong, he lived; did everyday things, went to the movies and gym, but he didn't live like he used to; colorful; like his day had begun and had ended in pure happiness. Now it was monotonous and uninteresting…colorless.

  "Don't say that" he whispered as I saw a tear run down his cheek by way of moonlight and it took everything for me not to break down. I walked to him over in the window and hugged him and cried for what seemed like hours but turned out to be minutes for the loss of what was so essential for our life force…love.

  * * *

  The next morning was uneventful, I packed my overnight bag and threw it in the trunk and hung my garment bag in the back seat of my car, kissed my dad goodbye, waved at Mona who didn't wave back, and got in the car to head to Tennessee. As we got going I asked if we could stop for some breakfast so we ended up going through a drive through, which was fine with me as long as they had coffee and something to put in my stomach I didn't care where we stopped. I ate a biscuit with jelly and drank my small coffee and then laid back and watched the landscape around me.

  Driving through the mountainous terrain of North Georgia never got old to me. The colors of the leaves were just starting to change so I got a variegated backdrop of gold, rusty red, brown, burnt orange and yellow. Some trees were already losing their leaves but that didn't change the spectacle surrounding them. Looking up to the tops of the mountains and seeing tiny homes amazed me. Some tops even contained small towns with churches that you could see the cross on top of the gable. It just astounded me that they could go out on their back porch at night and look out and see the world. What would be more glorious then that.

  Bear and I chatted a bit, learning about his childhood a little more in depth. I didn't realize that he and Bubba had lived with his uncle and aunt before he came to live with his granny because their parents would "forget" he said with air quotations, to come home and they would eventually run out of food told you they were shit parents.

  He told me his granny being from Louisiana, would teach him creole and that before she died him and Bubba would only speak to her in her native tongue. His granny meant the world to him, even though she wasn't the perfect parent she met their needs as best she could and both boys respected her for that.

  It grew quiet again in the car with the hum of a radio station barely coming through as the background noise.

  "Tell me whats on your mind" he asked at he stared at the road.

  "To be honest, nothing really" and that really freaked me out, since the day I found out I was pregnant my mind hadn't stopped.

  He chuckled and grabbed my hand "its gunna be ok, Ellie; things are gunna work out for us. We're gunna be married, then we'll be a family"; he attempted to reassure me.

  I started to laugh at the thought of family pictures. The images that once stood in my mind with Trevor now had Bear replacing him beside me with our children wrapped tight to our sides. When Bear heard me laugh he asked me what was funny; I started to reply when I heard the chirp of my cell phone going off.

  I pulled my phone out of my purse and looked at the caller ID and saw that it was TJ.

  "Holy shit!"

  Bear's eyes got big and asked worried "what is it?"

  "It's TJ."

  I saw Bear stiffen and reply a simple oh.

  "I'm just gonna ignore it."

  "Ah, ok."

  I hit the ignore button then powered it down. If he read that letter then he was going to be calling off the hook and I wasn't in the mood to deal with that. I put my phone back in my purse and noticed the car had become silent again. I reached in the back seat and grabbed a pillow and a blanket and laid my head back and closed my eyes.

  "Look, I'm gonna rest for a minute, can you wake me up when we get there?"

  Bear rubbed my hand in acknowledgement so I shut my eyes.

  Looking out over the mountains I stood on the edge with an Indian style trade blanket wrapped around me, and nothing else. Feeling the cool air hit my face and blowing my hair back, I felt arms wrap around me and a face nuzzle in between my neck and shoulder blade. Feeling so free, so lost from everything. Confused, I came back to my senses and wondered why Bear was moving a little faster; cuddling that is, than I was expecting him to but I figured he was about to become my husband so I'd better get used to him having his hands on me.

  I leaned my head back and noticed he had shaved.

  "You shaved? The beard didn't really bother me Bear" I said as I turned around and reached up to cup his face and noticed it was TJ.

  "Bear…why would Bear come up behind you and put his arms around you?"

  Mouth dropped and eyes wide I couldn't pass anything over my vocal cords, no answer would come out.

  "Answer me Elle….Elleny…Elleny?????"

  I jerked awake and looked around needing to remember where I was and who I was with. I looked at Bear, he stared back. What the hell, since I couldn't have him in my life now I was gonna dream about him?

  "Jesus Ellie, you ok? You're soaking with sweat."

  Fucking hormones!!! I mentally screamed at my body.

  "Honey, we're here."

  Looking up I saw we were at the hotel we would be staying at for the next two days.

  Shit, this was really happening.

  I got out of the car, reached my arms way over my head and stood on my tip toes stretching every muscle in my body. God that felt good.

  I grabbed my garment bag then waited for Bear to pop the trunk and then went to grab my bag when I noticed Bear had grabbed it and carried it along with his up to our room.

  As soon as he unlocked the door I dropped my purse and garment bag and ran for the bathroom, this baby was doing a number to my bladder, it seemed I was in there for thirty minutes but relief instilled my whole body.

  When I came out of the bathroom Bear was sitting on the bed, arms stretched out behind him han
ds flat on the bed holding his-self up.

  "Sorry, I had to go really bad."

  "It's ok, I should've stopped I forget sometimes, this is all new to me"

  "Yeah, me too but from what I've been reading, my body is going to be looking gross and disgusting shit is gonna happen so be prepared."

  Bear's face turned white and he swallowed hard, I know this because I heard it.

  "We don't have to do this ya know, there's still time to back out"

  Bear quickly answered back "I aint backin out".

  "K then, let's go get married!"

  Thirty minutes later, after we both showered and changed, we went to get married.

  "Yep, we did it!" I said to Rachel once we got back to the hotel room. I had called daddy too so that the two of them knew and I could go to bed, I was exhausted.

  After we left the courthouse we went and grabbed a bite to eat, nothing fancy just some bar-b-que, but it had to be the best BBQ in Tennessee. The flavors were smoky and spicy but not enough spice to burn your throat. The baby backed ribs were so tender they fell off the bone and melted in your mouth. And I hadn't even started on the cole slaw…so amazing! We ended up staying at the restaurant talking for close to an hour and a half.

  We then walked around the small town and window shopped. Several of the shops were mom and pop stores but the items they were selling were unbelievably beautiful. One shop sold homemade quilts. They were so simple but yet so elegant. Beautiful vibrant colors shaped in circles that were joined. Other quilts had large squares. Some quilts that were made from tore up t-shirts that had been sewn together. They came in all shapes and sizes. I made sure I wrote down the name and phone number of the store to see if they did out of town orders.

  Another store was one that carried beautiful silver jewelry. The owner hand made all of the items in the store. The work was flawless. Bracelets made of thick silver bands stamped with vines outlined in black, some etched with simple curved lines. Rings that were wide strips of silver and engraved with hearts and had charms attached.