Personal Experiences

by Tracy Lee

  I shrugged my shoulders and agreed because she was right…most of the time. This time she was incorrect. I wasn't able to tell her about my plan on getting the money, leaving town and changing me and the kid's names and living out our lives somewhere else, somewhere Bear couldn't find us. I couldn't tell her for the safety of her and Kevin and while I'm gone, the safety of my children.

  I reassured her we would talk and I continued on with my story of my unforgettable lunch with TJ. I had to break down and tell them about the tattoo and what it meant. Lilly cried and Rachel rolled her eyes.

  I told them about how I acted a fool and ran out on the luncheon. I was embarrassed now that I look back on it. It was stupid for me to act like a child over a tattoo that meant nothing to anyone other than me. I saw how he smiled at me when I got up quickly; he must've thought I was fucking stupid for permanently scribing a symbol onto my body that meant something seventeen years ago to two children. I didn't know how I was going to show my face around him again.

  We finished up our evening and two bottles of wine. I brought Rachel up to speed on the kids; favorite foods and schedules. I told her that she needed to stick to the schedule because it was hard for them to get back into the normal routine once they returned home. She told me "Fuck you" they were her kids while at her house and she planned on feeding them junk food and that the maids were going to take care of everything…other than shopping. Lilly and I giggled because we knew they weren't going to want to come home.

  I eventually looked at the clock and noticed it was 9:15. I needed to get home before Bear did so that I would know the kids were safe and he wasn't running his mouth. I was so burnt out on trying to maintain control, the stress was horrendous. Make sure Bear doesn't beat the shit out of me, make sure he won't start doing it to the kids because I knew deep down inside he loathed my children, even his own. When he talked to me about the kids he didn't call them by name they were the "Bastard children" even Harlee who was his child. His jealousy over TJ consumed him, for what I have no clue; Maybe because he was a high school all-star? Ok, well that was eighteen years ago, we were almost forty years old…get the fuck over it! Maybe because he was better looking? Maybe because he knew that he would never hold my heart because it did, still and always will belong to TJ? Bear didn't give a shit about me.

  He paid better attention to the soles of his shoes then he did to me. I think he was there for the money he thought he would eventually be able to touch. What I didn't know was that before my dad died he went to the bank and talked to Mr. Young, the Trust Advisor and added not only more money to the fund, he added more stipulations as well as the life insurance policy that I received after his passing. Bear would never see a cent of that money. He ended up putting it in my name but also in the twin's names, since he didn't live long enough to see Harlee grow and since he was her father, daddy didn't want to take a chance.

  I was walking out the door when I told Rachel that I would drop the kids off at her house around four-thirty and then I was heading to the airport. I gave her a hug and a kiss and thanked her for her doing this.

  I got in my car and texted Luc that I was on my way home and he responded immediately with a "K" so I started my car. I drove making a mental note on everything that needed to be done by tomorrow evening. I figured it wasn't late so I called my boss and he answered on the second ring.

  "Hi Elle" he sounded like he was either dozing or getting ready to.

  "I'm sorry…did I wake you?" I kind of wished I hadn't called now.

  "No, did the meeting go well?"

  I wanted to hesitate but I answered honestly "Yes and no".

  "Oh…."

  "The contracts will be couriered over by noon tomorrow, I know you know what's going on and I have decided to go."

  "Really?"

  "Well, did I really have a choice, Loren? I was told you were required to follow along. Besides, he told me that if I didn't go you're partnership would be in jeopardy and I'm not taking a chance with that, you've worked too hard for someone like Trevor McHale to walk in and take it from you. It's no big deal, it's just eight days." Now I'm wondering if I'm trying to comfort him or myself."

  "Elle…"

  "Loren, it's fine…really. Rachel's gonna watch the kids and I'm gonna get a room to myself."

  It got quiet for a moment "Call me if you have any questions. You are the best at what you do and I have no doubt that you know exactly what you're doing and I think Trevor McHale sees exactly what I do."

  Oh, Loren, if you only knew. I smiled to myself.

  I agreed to call him if I needed him and I hung up. Pulling into my neighborhood I prayed Bear wasn't home. My prayer came true. I turned the corner didn't see his truck so I pushed the garage door opener and drove into the garage.

  I went into the house. The kids left the kitchen light on for me with a note that there was pizza in the microwave if I wanted it I loved my awesome kids! I grabbed it and stuck it in the fridge. I then grab a piece of paper and wrote bear a note it read:

  Bear-

  I have to go out of town on business tomorrow evening. I leave at six. The kids are staying with Rachel and you have the house to yourself. If you don't want to stay here and stay at wherever you go that's fine too. I will be gone for eight days.

  -Ellie

  I left it on the kitchen counter so he'd see it, if he wasn't too drunk then I went to bed. I went up the stairs and stopped by Luc's room and revealed to the kids that I was going out of town for eight days and that they would be staying with Auntie Rachel, then I asked the girls to get to their rooms, kissed them all goodnight and then headed for my room to jump in the shower and go to bed.

  The shower was great and I was ready to hit the hay, it didn't take me long to fall asleep.

  I was awoken with Bear's fist full of my hair. I started flying my fists around because I thought someone had broke in and was attempting to rape me. Nope, it was just my husband and I'm sure he was going to try something tonight. All I could do was pray the bruises weren't too bad.

  "So, Queen Bitch is going out of town on…business huh?" I didn't answer, he was right in front of me spitting as he was talking, I had to close my eyes and I turned my head to the side as much as I could so the spittle didn't go directly on my face."

  I didn't say a word, I just sat there with my eyes closed.

  "On business huh…what…some dick gonna pound that pussy? Is that what kinda business you're gonna be taking care of?"

  I didn't say a word, it didn't matter what I had to say, he wasn't going to believe me. So I just shook my head.

  He let go of my hair and pushed me back down to the pillow by putting his whole sprawled out hand over my face where his fingers were on my forehead, this was when I noticed he was straddling my chest.

  Oh fuck, this can't be good.

  He leaned back for a minute and I noticed he was going for his pants, then I heard the zip of his zipper going down.

  "Open your mouth."

  I thought to myself he was going to have to cut a whole in my cheek to make a spot for a mouth before I stuck that nasty dick in my clean mouth. I shook my head again.

  "I told you to open your mouth, Bitch!" He yelled this time. I folded my lips into my mouth showing him that my mouth was sealed tight. He did not like this because he balled his hand up into a fist, I felt the pain and massive amount of heat in my ribcage. he then grabbed the back of my head again and pushed my head up towards the ceiling so that my mouth would automatically open. I fought him. I was screaming and crying within my mouth because I was set; I was not opening my mouth for him to stick that in.

  "I'm gonna put my cock in your mouth bitch and if you even think about biting me, let me just tell you what will happen to you. I'll kill ya and then I'll take you out to the hog farm and let the hogs finish you off…you know they'll eat anything. Now open your fucking mouth!" He balled up his fist one more time and pulled one last time on my hair which made my mouth fall open and as soon as
I did this he crammed his dick in my mouth, all the way in. He pushed his balls up against my chin. I was gagging and crying at the same time. My feet were kicking trying to just get him off of me but he was too high up on my chest.

  "You taste that? you fucking cunt…that there's the taste of real love!"

  He pulled out some but not leaving my mouth and it hit me, the taste and smell was unbearable. Just as I was about to gag he stuffed himself back down my throat. I could taste that nasty whore on him. The foul musty fluid that covered his shaft was thick and encrusted in his pubic hair along with the smell of piss and shit.

  "That's it whore, clean that shit off my dick, how does it taste licking a real woman's pussy juice off my cock, you like it?"

  He began to thrust faster and harder hitting the back of my throat. "That's it, you aren't half the woman she is. You deserve to be eating her shit, you can't even suck my cock worth a shit!"

  By this time I just laid there, I stopped kicking, my hands fell to my side and the only sound I could hear was myself gagging. All I could feel was the tears from my eyes sliding down my cheeks until they combined with the vomit coming out of the sides of my mouth as they both ran down my chin, then down my throat and then onto my nightgown and the front of my chest.

  He finally pulled out and squirted his come all over my face while rubbing it in with the tip. I couldn't get the taste of that nasty whore out of my mouth. He climbed off of me and I turned to fall off the side of the bed. I was coughing and vomiting beside my bed. He staggered to the bathroom and turned on the light. I was pissed, I had had enough, I could barely talk from the beating my throat had just taken but I croaked out.

  "Why the fuck do you stay if you don't want to be here?" I could hear him laughing, "Oh bitch…you think I'm gonna leave someone who is worth millions? For the shit I've put up with, I'm gonna get what's owed me." I got up on my knees "How much?" He turned from going into the bathroom and stood at the door where I could still see his face and I continued. "This arrangement was your idea, not mine. I didn't ask for you to stay, you could've left to be with whoever the fuck you're fucking. So now, how much would it take for you to get the fuck out and leave me and my children alone?"

  I couldn't believe what hit my ears. I thought maybe I was hearing things because he couldn't be serious.

  "All of it."

  He had lost his fucking mind, he's not going to take all the money my momma and daddy had left me that I had never touched. That was for my children. Who the fuck did he think he was. I didn't say a word, I turned back towards the bed and slowly got up. We both knew this conversation was over.

  I heard him get in the shower so I went to the sink and brushed my teeth and used mouth wash…twice. I washed my face and chest and took my nightgown off and put on a t-shirt then took my clothes downstairs and started a load of laundry. I looked at the clock it was four twenty-two so I went to the couch and cried. I grabbed my phone and I looked down through my contacts and found it…there, looking me in the face "YOUR DESTINY" I hit the button and sent him a short but definitive text.

  "Meet u @ RL mfg 6pm"

  And then I cried some more. What had happened to my life. I didn't deserve this, I sure as hell didn't ask for this. I couldn't think anymore, I didn't want to think anymore. I just wanted to cry until it was time to get the kids up and then the crying would stop, breakfast would be cooked and kids would be taken to school and that was exactly what happened.

  I got the kids off to school then came home to pack everyone up. I packed Harlee with a little bit of everything because she was so picky I never knew what she would be in the mood for. Lucas and JoJo were so much easier they basically laid everything out for me and I put it all in their suitcases with the extras that they wanted and needed.

  Last was mine, I made sure that I packed professional, yet cool. Then I added some lounging items for around the hotel room. I didn't want to forget something elegant, just in case I wanted to grab a drink in the hotel lounge or go have a bite to eat in a nice restaurant. TJ said it was a five star hotel so it's not like I could walk in wearing jeans and a tank top. I packed my toiletry items and what seemed like five hundred pairs of shoes. Women could never pack enough shoes.

  I put everything downstairs by the door leading out to the garage. By this time unbelievably it was almost noon-thirty so I called the office and sure enough, the contracts were delivered at nine am this morning. I smiled a small smile knowing that I was woman and he heard me "RAWRRRRR"

  While I had my phone I just happened to check my phone to see if anyone had texted me and noticed I had a voicemail. I pushed the code and put the phone up to my ear to hear the message.

  I heard the voice. The rough, domineering, extremely deep with a hint of a southern accent that he tried so desperately to hide. His voice incessantly drove me senseless with hunger…hunger for him, I couldn't help but smile and the grin went from ear to ear. The sound of his voice was an irony to me, it provided me strength but yet left me powerless. It was my peace and serenity but yet inside I was in an uproar from wanting him so bad. He was my paradise but I felt like I was in hell because I couldn't physically have him.

  "Miss Barker-Jackson, Trevor McHale here, I received your message this morning, don't you ever sleep? I could hear he had a laugh in his voice. I am pleased that you have changed your mind about this arrangement. I look forward to working with you. I will see you at six sharp. Please Miss. Barker-Jackson, do not be late, I'm a stickler for punctuality. Have a good day and if you have any questions, please feel free to give me a call back."

  It took everything in me not to call him back, I wanted to speak with him so badly. I wanted to tell him about all that had happened. I wanted to give all of this to someone and just get all this pressure off my chest. I wanted to be able for someone just to tell me it was going to be alright and I wouldn't have to deal with bullshit like that again. I made the right decision, I pushed the number seven and saved his message. I figured that if I wanted to hear his voice I could listen to this message over and over again. Ok, yeah I'm sick in the head.

  I made some cookies for the kids and put them in a plastic container and began to pack up the back of my truck because I was going to pick up the kids and go straight to Rachel's. I hadn't talked to anyone today because number one I wanted the back of my throat to heal, second I didn't want to answer any questions that I knew were bound to fly once they heard my voice.

  I put the cookies in the passenger seat and headed on my way. I went over my mental list three times while on the way to the kid's schools. I didn't want to forget anything so far, nothing was coming to mind. I got the kids and headed for Rachel's.

  Reaching Rachel's house, the kids were overjoyed! As soon as we came to a stop all three car doors opened and kids went running to the front door screaming that the first stop was to the pool, ya I had no worries they would be a problem.

  Kevin opened the door and greeted us warmly. He smiled at me and winked when he informed the kids "Ok, well the door in the back bathroom is unlocked and no running as the concrete is wet and I turned on the Jacuzzi. Auntie Rachel is already laying out there waiting on ya'll and Greta has some snacks and drinks…go on…have fun". The kids ran past him as though we were in Pamplona and they had opened the gates for the bulls to run free. We both laughed.

  Walking into the foyer and then into the enormous kitchen I smiled at him "Thanks Kevin, I truly appreciate this, I know they'll be safe here with you." I croaked out.

  Stopping next to the center island where the large eight eyed gas stove was mounted Kevin looked at me with his right eyebrow raised. "Darlin, you getting sick?"

  I leaned up opposite him on the bar and stiffened. I opened my mouth to speak and hesitated for a moment because I hadn't really thought of what I would say if someone asked me. If I said yes they'd go into this long spiel of how I shouldn't be traveling sick and blah…blah…blah; I sure as fuck couldn't tell him oh yeah, well last night my husband came home f
rom fucking some whore nine ways from Sunday and then violently face-fucked me against my will so that the back of my throat feels like I've eaten glass for the past week. I'd have a rebellion on my hands; so what would I say?

  "I'm fine, I….ah……just woke up like this, I feel fine, I…ah…think it might be just a case of laryngitis."

  "What did I hear?" I heard Rachel's voice. I pictured her perfectly; sashaying in like she was on the runway in New York at Fashion Week. Coming in from behind me, "You've got a touch of something?" She started walking towards the kitchen. As she entered the kitchen I could hear the clip-clop of her petite slide-on evening slippers that had white faux ostrich feathers across the bridge of her foot, her coordinating French manicured toes popping out the top of them.

  "Come here, I have a flashlight let me check out the back of your throat, I don't want you flying if you're getting ill, I don't care who's in the cabin with you."

  I began this conversation whirling leisurely through the web of lies I thought I was handling quite well, but now it all went to hell in a hand basket.

  I began faltering and stuttering "Ah, Ra… Rachel… that's just… nnot necessary. I'm fine… really, I'm… I'm… um… ok"

  Scrutinizing me, a peculiar look peaked on her face as if she was trying to figure out what I was hiding. "Get over here now Elleny, let me look at your throat."

  I walked closer….panic began to fill the inside of my body, I knew it showed on the outside as well. There was no way in hell she was looking in my mouth. I didn't know what she'd see, but she would not doubt see something.

  I got up face to face with her and did the only thing I could think of that quick; I threw my arms around her and squeezed her as tight as I could.

  "Hug me Rach, I need your support right now, don't fight me on this. Everything is fine, don't ask me to do what you're thinking of doing. Please, I love you, Baby-doll with everything that makes me; me. Without you and Lilly I have nothing and I wouldn't be able to go on, Sugar. And what you would find when you're gonna do what you're wanting to do would make you vulnerable because you wouldn't be thinkin' with your head, you'd be thinkin' with your heart and right now I need you to be strong, strong for you and Kevin and strong for my kids. You understand me?" I whispered so softly in her ear I wasn't even sure she heard me.