Personal Experiences

by Tracy Lee

  She did because I felt her arms come around me and I felt her let out her breath that obviously she had been holding.

  I needed this right now, I craved someone to throw their arms around me and just take this load off and she gave this to me, she always did. I closed my eyes so tight, I fought back the urge to lose it and just cry like a baby so I just wrapped her up into my body and absorbed every sense of power and strength she allowed me to take. I eventually let go of her and looked in her eyes. She was weepy and I couldn't take leaving and her being in this state of mind. I looked at her eye to eye and smiled. "I'll be ok sweetie, you enjoy your nieces and nephew because when I get back I wanna hear all the stories of how you let them play fashion show and watch UFC." She giggled a small giggle and I kissed her cheek and left before I lost it for sure.

  Before leaving, I asked Kevin if he'd do me a huge favor, would he mind driving me to Richland Manufacturing because I really didn't want to leave my car where Bear worked, he'd know something was up. So he drove me the fifteen minute drive to the factory where I saw a long limo sitting out in front of the main office building. We pulled up beside it as the driver got out of the front, the back door opened. When TJ stepped out of the back he glowered at Kevin.

  Kevin handed my bags to the driver. I grabbed Kevin's hand and took him to the side of the car.

  "Kevin, I'd like you to meet Trevor McHale, Rachel's cousin, Trevor, this is Kevin Harrington, Rachel's husband."

  The scowl left TJ's face and his hand went straight out to shake.

  "I guess that makes us kin now…nice to meet ya" Kevin greeted as he took TJ's hand.

  "Same to you, Thank you for helping Elleny here."

  "No problem, she's also a part of our family. Ellie-bean, you stay safe, don't worry about the kids and watch the um…throat."

  I hugged Kevin and told him "Thank you" again in my raspy voice and jumped in the limo.

  I sat there for a second while TJ jumped in the back. I noticed his face was beat red and he was grimacing again. I went to the seat across from where he was sitting and looked out the window next to me.

  "You ok?"

  I didn't want to speak because I didn't want the same bullshit that I got from Kevin and Rachel so I looked back at TJ and nodded. He was holding a glass out to me.

  "It's water."

  I smiled and nodded once in thanks, took the glass and resumed my position of looking out the window. I saw the same scenery I had looked at every day for the entirety of my life, so far and felt extremely envious of TJ. He got to do everything he set out to do. He got to leave and see new places. He's rich and doesn't answer to anyone. He achieved everything.

  Hearing my thoughts in my head sounded like a freight train going full speed. I needed to quiet the noise. Out of nowhere I heard myself say one word.

  On a rasp I asked "Why?"

  His head shot around from looking out the same window I was looking out of and his mouth opened but nothing came out, he had to think for a moment.

  I repeated, but elaborated a bit more "Why did you come back here?"

  He went back to looking out the window as though I didn't say anything at all. So I looked out as well.

  "Elle, this is my home. I have been away for almost eighteen years. Years that I felt like I was adrift, everything was always temporary and indefinite. I never made plans long term because I knew I would never follow-through with them. I've felt like I didn't truly have anything even though I had money in my pocket, I had money in the bank it was all meaningless"

  I had turned around in my seat, while he was speaking and was facing him. I felt betrayed by his words. I would think he would've lived it up, went to the best parties, had celebrities as friends and had models for girlfriends. (Uh, I can't think about him with another woman I felt the bile rise up my throat.) I had to think of another subject. "You would've never gotten what you have now if you would've stayed here in this town TJ and you know it."

  He glared at me for long minutes, I was beginning to feel uncomfortable, I didn't know whether he was going pounce on me or throw me out of the car. Finally he spoke and his voice sounded harsh and bitter "You're wrong Elleny, I would have all I wanted if I would've stayed in this town."

  I was astonished he would even make that inference to us. How dare he bring that up right here, right now. We haven't even been on this trip for twenty minutes and he's already stirring the shit-pot.

  Now I was incensed and offended. Who did he think he is? He had no right to bring up what happened eighteen years ago. We were fucking children that had no fucking clue what life was about other than stupid, fucking movies that continually had happy endings and didn't show you shit of reality.

  I closed my eyes and just took another sip of my water and tried to calm myself down.

  "What, you have nothing to say to that?"

  I immediately replied to his asinine fucking question, I didn't even turn my head away from the window to give him my attention, I just shook my head because if I opened my mouth, he would definitely throw me out of the back of this car and my shoes were not made for walking.

  We sat in silence the rest of the way to the airport.

  We reached the airport and I stepped out of the limo and to the side while the driver handed our bags over to the flight crew. I decided this was a good time to text Luc and tell him that we were getting ready to take off and I would let him know when I landed. I gave him text kisses and hugs and told him to pass them around and he "LOL'ed" me and told me "K".

  I boarded the jet and was met by a delightful and charming young flight attendant by the name of Jasmyn. She offered me a champagne, I resisted since I was going to be in a cabin for 2 ½ hours at 29,000 feet with a man that right now was the last person I wanted to walk past at an Atlanta Braves game also I wasn't sure if it would sting my throat so I stuck with water. I went to the back of the jet and found the last seat in the corner and readied myself for takeoff. I grabbed a magazine and started flipping through it when I saw two legs fitted oh so delectable in a pair of jeans.

  "Change much?" I asked stilling flipping the pages of the magazine. I had decided that I was going to wear something not too professional but not too casual, so I settle on a skirt. A black pencil skirt that hit right at the knee and a black and white-striped scoop-neck short-sleeve shirt that fit just tight enough to show I might be older but I do take care of myself, and I had pinned a small black bow just as an adornment right about my left breast. I also had a light sweater over me to hide my wrists where the bruising was still apparent.

  I could hear him blushing when he replied "Why yes, there are some things that I have changed and yet, there are some things that have never changed…about me, of course" At this confession, I slowly raised my head and looked at him, page still half-turned. I knew what he was inferring to but I wasn't playing this game with him.

  Closing my magazine I knew I had to put a stop to this bullshit once and for all. This was not happening! My heart couldn't take it and me being, well…me, it wasn't fair to him for him to even imagine that this was a possibility. He deserved someone so much more than what I was…someone who was unbroken.

  I closed my magazine and returned it to where it belonged in the pocket on the back of the seat, I crossed my legs and placed my hands in my lap and put an ear to ear smile on my face and directed my attention to him. "Look, Mr. McHale, let me inform you, whatever you have going on in that brain of yours" I raised my hand and began swiping air as if I was cleaning a pretend window. "Let me assure you, it's not going to happen or even attempt to happen. This trip is strictly for business and nothing more. I have never given you any indication that I am interested in your flirtatious manner nor will I ever. So, if you know what's best for you, I suggest you go up to the front of the cabin and secure yourself in for take-off".

  What I got next knocked the smile off my face and my head dazed and confused. TJ knelt down in the middle of the aisle, grabbed my hand off of my lap and brought
my attention back to him by saying "Are you done? That was an excellent lecture Miss-"he articulated the "Miss" by hissing the end, he wasn't calling me "Ms." anymore; he acted as if in his mind I was single. "Barker-Jackson but let me tell you the way it's going to be."

  He began to rub circles over the hand he was holding, I attempted to pull away but his grip became stronger and his eyes became hotter with desire. "By the time this trip is over, I will have not only fucked you in ways you've never been fucked before until you're pleading with me to stop." His eyes never leaving mine, no blush on his cheeks, he meant every word he was saying. Still circling his thumb on my hand he continued; "I will have tasted every part of your delicious body. I will take my time and lick places no other man has even thought of licking you.

  I will drink every bit of you into me because…fuck, how I have missed your taste. My fingers will do things to you that will have you sobbing with pleasure." He came in closer…like touching his nose to mine closer, I could smell his sensual cologne mixed with the freshness of his breath and it was driving me wild. "What you don't know and I am gonna let you in on my little secret here is, I won't request any of this, it will be you MISS Barker-Jackson who will beg me for everything I have just said to you."

  Holy shit on a stick!!!

  I just sat there. My eyes were glued to his; my mouth sprawled open, I was speechless. He raised my hand to his mouth and kissed it very gently but before he pulled it away, he ran his tongue over where he had just kissed. "Oh yes…that's the taste right there I have dreamt about for the last eighteen years." I pulled my hand away swiftly as he silently laughed and stood up. Walking away I heard him say "I will leave you with your thoughts, Ms. Barker-Jackson enjoy the flight."

  Shit! I was in trouble.

  Chapter Eleven

  November 1992

  Thanksgiving was coming around way too fast. The smell of autumn was strong in the cool air now and the people around town seemed to be in happier moods, maybe it had something to do with the hot summer, who knew. I seemed better but bigger than I expected to be. I was getting ready to have a sonogram the following day to find out the gender of the baby and make sure whatever it was, he or she was healthy.

  I recovered from my emotional breakdown quickly with the help of my dad and Mona. They were so encouraging. Mona and my relationship had flourished since my breakdown and we had become friends. We weren't best friends but I she had changed that night. She opened herself up to me, and I was thankful that she did, I understood where she was coming from now.

  We would talk about baby things and she was excited about becoming a grandma and she never had a chance to have any babies of her own, when she married into my family I was almost a teenager, I was excited for her. We talked about going shopping for the nursery and for baby clothes. I felt like she respected the love I felt for TJ. She knew no matter what would happen in the future, tomorrow or in thirty years, I would never love another man and that was exactly what she felt for my daddy, but my daddy didn't reciprocate her feelings and that made her hopeless and a bit envious. We were both in a world ‘a hurt.

  Bear, on the other hand took a step back. He seemed very distant. I would ask him what was bothering him, he would tell me the same answer…"nothing, just things at work." I could tell work was far from the problem seeing as he practically lived there, even crashing on the couch in the break room overnight. He seemed as if he was happy about the baby but deep down inside something just felt off. That night of the fight I had lost all respect for Bear, deep down inside I didn't even want to be around him. I felt betrayed and angry at how he spoke to his friend.

  But I wasn't in this pact for love, there was nothing that said I had to hand over my heart to him, I truthfully didn't even have to fuck him I was just throwing that in for convenience, we agreed to marry and raise this baby together, no one had to know the reality of the situation other than me and Bear. I knew I had to stay with him and see this thing out.

  We had decided that after the baby was born we were going to start looking for a house of our own. I was beginning to get excited. I could picture it all…A large four bedroom, two story, federal style home with a beautiful wrap around porch that had white-washed rockers lining up overlooking the small gardens in front. Stepping inside the foyer, it felt as though you were taken back in time, to where things were simpler and life was lived as a blessing not as a curse. Looking to the right would be the beautiful yet artless dining room that seated the enormous carving board dining room table with twelve chairs encompassing it.

  Clean painted ivory colored walls with dark wooden quarter sawn flooring, that looked abused and neglected but was brand new and made to look ‘lived on'. Multiples of cross-stitched samplers adorned humbly the walk up the stairs to a balcony that overlooked the unpretentious furniture of the living room. Each of the five bedrooms upstairs, other than the nursery held a four poster bed that was painted a rustic brown wash and on top of each pillar was placed a beautiful, yet simple finale. The baby's room was almost over-the-top with the amount of pink that ornamented it. The walls were the soft pale pink that showed the softness of a little girl's skin. The white of the floorboards made it stand out.

  Pure white curtains that were pulled back with a stronger pink ballerina shoe adornment at the wall. At the top, the curtains sagged just slightly in the middle and the other side of the window was done the same. Along the wall where the crib was positioned was painted a mural of very dainty ballerina shoes with silk strings billowing down the wall. Done in several shades of pink but yet still very light. Could you tell what I was hoping for?

  I wanted to play the role of housewife in my own home. I could picture the smell of peach pies baking in the oven as I would roll dough to cut out homemade biscuits while the batch of fresh apple butter that I started the night before was simmered on the stove, I could smell the scent of cinnamon and spices wafting through my nostrils just daydreaming about it. Then I'd have dinner on the table when he came home from work. It seemed that I was ready for this.

  I had a lot to occupy my thoughts but there was one person I would never have enough on my mind to stop thinking about, TJ. With Thanksgiving next week, I knew he would be coming home and I knew I was going to have to see him. I needed to explain and apologize. Would I be able to handle seeing him? It had only been two months, he didn't know I was pregnant, well he would get an eye-full now and would definitely know.

  Standing at the kitchen sink peeling potatoes as all these thoughts crossed my mind I felt Bear' come around me and plant a kiss on my cheek. I smiled, I had to keep talking myself into what everyone was pushing down my throat; Bear was a good guy and I would learn to love him. I was trying as hard as I could. Just coming home from work I knew he would be hungry so I told him to grab a beer and have a seat and watch TV for a bit, dinner would be ready shortly. Daddy and Mona had decided to take a cruise for the holidays and spend sometime in the Caribbean this time of year, so it was only going to be me, Bear and whoever stopped by after going to their families. I knew Rachel, Lilly, Curtis and Rachel's new boyfriend, Kevin were going to drop in, I couldn't wait to see all of them.

  I finished with dinner and got everything set up on the table. I had made fried chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy, candied carrots, homemade biscuits and apple butter and homemade peach cobbler for dessert. I was starving. I couldn't wait to tear into some chicken, I had noticed that the morning sickness, which I call bullshit on, it's all fucking day sickness, had slowed down and I was capable of keeping food down and the baby was thankful for as soon as sat down from doing the dishes and I put my feet up the nightclub inside of me opened for business and this kid was a flash dancer! I sat down and Bear handed me his plate, I made his and handed it back to him, then started on mine. I got to eat a couple bites in when I decided I needed to state my upcoming plan to him.

  I knew this discussion couldn't be a question and answer forum because my questions would go unanswered. I knew I had to ask de
manding and stay true to myself "I wanted to let you know I'm planning on seeing TJ when he comes into town for Thanksgiving. I owe him an explanation."

  Bear stopped chewing just for a second and set his chicken back down on the plate to grab his fork and dig into the mashed potatoes. "That's not gonna happen."

  I knew he was being serious but I wasn't asking him for his permission, this wasn't that type of relationship. Yes, he was my husband but on paper only I had to stand my ground here. "Excuse me? I'm sorry but I wasn't asking, I was telling you that I am going to see OUR friend that we have known since we all've been kids, and I'm going to talk with him."

  "You want to go talk with him? Yeah…right, you want his cock to talk with your pussy!"

  Now I was fuming, how dare he talk to me that way! That was totally not the reason to go and talk with TJ, I simply wanted to see how he was and tell him I had no hard feelings and I was hoping he didn't either but you never know with the way he was treated last time he saw me.

  I pushed my plate farther away from me, I had completely lost my appetite and as I went to stand from the table I whispered "The fuck I aint" he must've heard me because he came back madder than I've ever seen him standing he growled "No. The. Fuck. You're. Not!"

  What the experts don't tell you, is that being pregnant makes you think that you have super human powers. That being pregnant, you can conquer anything, jump from rooftop to rooftop? No problem. Chase a racecar around a racetrack? Been there, done that. Stand up to a man who is 6'3" and is daring you to grow a set of balls and get up in his face and speak to him like you've lost your mind? Any day!