Personal Experiences

by Tracy Lee

  He threw his phone down and immediately turned around and slammed his mouth down on mine. We were both fighting for control over this kiss, finally I said fuck it, and gave in but I went in another direction…south. I unbuttoned his pants while he unbuttoned mine, I flung my shoes, then kicked my pants off as he walked me backwards to the living room. He broke the kiss just for a moment to tell me to lean over the couch. I hesitated. I didn't like to be backwards, Bear always made me turn backwards. He said he didn't want to look at my ugly face. I stood up and told TJ straight up "No, I'm not a dog, you're not going to fuck me like one." He jumped back like I had caught him off guard, I probably did. "Baby, I wasn't even thinking that, why would you even say that?" The mood was ruined, I began pulling up my panties and searching for my pants. As I was looking for everything I explained to him why. "Bear says the only way he can fuck me is from behind, so he doesn't have to look at my ugly fucking face." I didn't see what happened but I heard it. TJ picked up a vase, it wasn't a vase as in a $10.00 vase, it was a vase as in $50,000.00 vase and threw it across the room, where it hit the wall and shattered into a million pieces.

  I turned around with my pants in my hands and my shoes on my feet when he demanded "Don't you ever compare me to that fucking piece of shit! I would never think that of you. I have never treated you that way and don't you ever think that it would start now!"

  I was scared. I didn't mean it that way. I don't even know what I was thinking saying it so casually. I was used to being treated like a piece of trash, TJ wasn't used to me feeling that way.

  I ran over to him and hugged him. "Honey, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it to come out that way. I would never compare you to him. I just don't like being turned backwards. I feel self-conscious. I would be thinking if you felt that way too. You are nothing like him. Please, I'm so sorry". I began kissing him on his cheeks and lips, whispering against his skin my apologies over and over. My lips trailed down to his mouth. "Please, I need to show you I'm sorry." I kissed him frantically, plunging my tongue into his mouth again. I needed him to see how important it was for him to forgive me. He grabbed my head and held me against him as we slid our tongues in between each other's lips.

  "Please TJ…I'm begging you." I began grasping him again, he immediately was hard. I fell down to my knees, I was out of control. I needed him as though I needed my next breath. He was my savior, he allowed me to be uninhibited. "Trevor…" That was all I needed to say. He reached under my shoulders and picked me straight up in the air, I felt the desperation in him, he needed me as bad as I needed him. "Tell me what you want, baby". I want him to know I feel the ache just as much as he does. He pushed me up against the wall. "You are no longer his!" I felt him rub the tip of his cock against me…I tensed up with anticipation. "I never was his, Trevor." I returned, as I felt him slide gently into me, he was wound as tight as a top. He wanted to fuck me like he's never fucked me before, but he was fearful. "You are mine now!" he said as he filled me all the way up. I closed my eyes, in the relief I felt of having him connected to me. "Open your fucking eyes!" He yelled at me, not out of anger but out of desire. I opened my eyes. "I've always been yours, Trevor". He drew back out and I gripped my hands in his hair, I wanted him to go faster, I needed him to fuck me faster. "Say the words, Elleny". I pulled myself up and slammed myself back down on him searching for what I was looking for and not finding it. "Goddammit Trevor, I'm fucking begging you. I need you to fuck me now and hard. I'm not glass, baby, please…" I'm almost ready to cry, I'm pleading so desperately.

  He pushed back in slowly again, I'm getting ready to scream. "What the fuck do you want to hear? Tell me I'll say it" I bawled. I felt him touch the top of me internally, but it wasn't getting me anywhere. I was so turned on, I ended up taking my hand out of his hair, putting it between us and began creating friction.

  "Fuck you! You don't get to come! You say the words and I make you come! It belongs to me, you hear me, Elleny?" It hit me; I knew what he wanted to hear and Fuck you!! I would never say those words again. I said them to him seventeen years ago and I had an emotional breakdown trying to forget those words. "Get off of me" I whispered. Now I was pissed! He was using shit that he knew, for a fact would break me, just for me to get him off. "No, say the words!" still inside me, he had come to a complete stop.

  I began moving, but it wasn't enough. He pushed my blouse down and pulled my breast out of my bra and began to suck on my hard peak. "Elleny, your pussy is so wet, it's dripping down my sac baby, say the fucking words and let me get you off." I closed my eyes. He began to bite harder. He moved to the left one and sucked my nipple almost painfully, but the feeling was so intense, I could feel my orgasm rising just from that. He stopped all together; I saw him lower his hand and felt it go below my ass. He pulled it back up; his fingers were shiny and dripping wet. "Baby, this is all you." He stuck his fingers in his mouth and licked them clean. I was ready to scream at the top of my voice in sexual frustration. "I could eat you for dinner, every night. My cock is ready to bust here, Elleny, say the words and I will move." I had enough, I screamed as loud as I could "FUCK YOU!!! I'M NOT SAYING IT AGAIN!!! I WONT BE ABLE TO SURVIVE THIS TIME GODDAMMIT!!!" He stopped everything. No more talking, no more teasing, nothing. He began to move again, slowly. "I can't say any more than what I've said to you, Elleny, I told you how I felt last night. I need something from you, baby." He was slowly working himself in me.

  Again, I began to rock my hips. "I want the words, baby doll. I need the words." I want to tell him so bad, I do love him. I never stopped loving him, but I can't risk it. He started to thrust harder, deeper. "Ride my cock, Elleny, you love it." He was beginning to build up friction, "I do love it" I rolled faster. "You love my cock don't you, Ellie-bean, you only come for me, don't you?" "Yes, only for you." He was banging me now, going so deep and so fast my back was building up friction on the wall. "That's it baby, come all over me, I want you marked by me; you're not washing my come off of you neither, I want to smell you and know that that's my smell on you. Holy fuck, I'm gonna come so fucking hard."

  "Oh God, Trevor I'm coming. Don't stop!!!" I opened my mouth to enjoy the high and… he stopped. Everything!

  He screamed "Say the fucking words, Elleny!!!!" "I LOVE YOU!!!! FUCK TREVOR, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, I'VE NEVER STOPPED LOVING YOU. I CAN'T SEE ANYONE ELSE BUT YOU. I CAN'T GO BACK TO THAT. I WON'T GO BACK!!! IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR? IS IT, YOU SADISITIC MOTHER FUCKER!!!"

  He thrusted into me so hard, I felt like I got whiplash, "That's" thrust "What" thrust "I" thrust "wanted" thrust "to" thrust "hear" thrust "WIFE" thrust. I made it over the top almost to the point of passing out. My orgasm was so big, I sat there for ten minutes, just feeling the high pass over my body. My head on his shoulder, I couldn't even bring my head up to look at him. I just started sobbing. "Elle…baby don't-"

  "No you don't ,Trevor!" I pushed him away. I was standing there naked from the waist down; crying. My heart wasn't even a heart anymore, it was just a puddle of shit in my chest cavity. I didn't want to say the words because I knew that it wasn't even conceivable for us to be together.

  I walked to the bathroom to clean up, he followed me in there. "Don't what, Elleny? Let's be honest here, what is it you're not telling me? Why can't we be together?"

  "Honesty" I laugh manically. "I don't even know what that word means anymore." I mumbled to myself, but obviously loud enough for him to hear me. "Look, if it's about Bear, I understand."

  "You do? "I laughed again. "You understand…"

  "Yes, I understand that you have children with him and just because you two don't get along, you don't want to pull the kids out from him. You're a good mom and you don't want your kids to suffer. But they won't suffer darlin', they'll grow to love me."

  I'm a good mom. That phrase echoed through my brain. Suddenly, I thought of all the things that I had done to be a good mom. The lies I had told, the people I had hurt; the damage I have caused on my children from growing up with a monster. I
didn't say another word. I fixed my hair, cleaned up my face and went to find my clothes. "Let's go, I have work to do."

  The ride to work was extremely quiet, my eyes didn't roam. They looked straight ahead. As soon as the car came to a stop, I opened the car door and exited out onto the pathway that led up to the building. "Elle, wait up" I heard him, but I paid him no mind. I have a job to do and I want it done so that I can get the fuck out of here and get back to my shitty life of nothing but beatings and lies. I stood in front of the elevator, after I pushed the button. TJ ended up catching up to me. He sounded like he was a bit out of breath but maybe he needed that exercise. We stood there, waiting for the chime and finally we heard it. We both stood back and waited to see if anyone would step off, no one did. We walked in and as soon as the doors closed I beat him to the punch.

  "I'm here to work, Trevor. I'm not here to fuck my boss. I'm finishing my job and I will leave as soon as the last contract is signed. I will be finishing up the memory sticks this morning, This afternoon, I will get the clients scheduled for the next several day's signings and I will be out of here before you leave for lunch."

  He laughed "You done?" I looked at him…was he fucking serious? This was all a big fucking joke to him? Well, I'm done being the punch line.

  "You won't leave until I say you leave. If you remember; your boss, Mr. Stevens is depending on you."

  That piece of shit! I moved quickly in his face and I was fucking furious. "Don't you fucking dare, threaten me with that shit!" I gritted at him. "I was called here to do a job of collecting and storing two hundred and fifty signed contracts, I just told you, that will be accomplished. Don't you fucking think you can toy with me McHale, I'm not the kinda bitch to be toyed with."

  I went back in my corner and looked up at the numbers, praying that this elevator had warp speed; it didn't. Another word was never spoken. As soon as the elevator doors opened, I put my mask back into place. My face was adorned with a smile that could light up the dark. He allowed me to exit first, but as soon as he walked off into the lobby he passed me and mouthed with his finger circling his face "Nice mask". I flipped him off. I greeted Charlene with a smile and a warm "Good morning." I still have not had a cup of coffee, even though I had a very thorough fucking, which I would have to say was better than a cup of coffee but I'd never let TJ know it. I walked to my office, which I was going to have to check with Mary to see if there was another spot available. I really didn't want to see him today. I dropped my stuff off at my desk, and then headed for the kitchen to get a much needed cup of coffee. I passed his office without even looking in and continued down the hall. I passed several offices until I heard a distinguishable voice, "Well, hey there, good lookin'." I rolled my eyes to myself, put the smile on and turned to step into his office. "Morning Sam, how are you today?" He sat up and smiled his creepy-ass smile. He reminded me of the men my daddy would describe to me not to take candy from. "Well, I'm better now that you walked in." he responded with a wink. "Headed somewhere?" god, please don't follow me to the kitchen. "Ah, just going to the kitchen to grab a cup of coffee, then I'm heading back to my desk to get the day a ‘Rollin". I said with a little Georgia accent that I was trying my best to hide.

  "What? You mean to tell me that you're away from your family working for Trevor and he doesn't even take you to get a decent cup of coffee? Here, let me grab my jacket and we'll go grab one real quick. You have not tasted coffee like this; it's like heaven in your mouth."

  I thought about a smart ass comment, along the lines of ah… no, I had that in my mouth late last night; but I thought it would be better for my professional career not to announce that to practically a stranger. Before I had a chance to say anything, Sam grabbed my hand and pulled me out of his office and straight back down to TJ's.

  Oh no… no… no… no… no! Please don't say that we're going someplace together.

  "McHale!" Sam teasingly shouted at TJ as he walked in his office. I stayed out by Mary's desk. TJ was busy looking at some papers. He hadn't even sat down yet. He looked at Sam and then looked at me before Sam had even said a word. I just looked at him, nothing written on my face, pure blankness.

  I heard muffled talking from the glass, but could catch a bit of the conversation from where the door was open.

  "She's here in town and I'm gonna show her how northern gentlemen behave and take her down to the Coffee Cabana for a cup, we'll be right back." He was smiling; TJ was not. Sam walked back out to me and wrapped his arm around me, pushing me gently towards the elevators. Still in a daze, that this was really happening, I kept waiting for TJ to come up behind us and start in on a rant. Surprisingly, he didn't.

  We walked to the elevators where Sam was telling me all about how great this coffee was and how many different ways you could get it, when the doors to the elevators opened. We stepped in and he pushed the button for the first floor.

  "So, how do you know Trevor McHale?"

  I really didn't feel comfortable talking about my relationship; past or present with this man so I just shrugged it off and told him some truth. "My boss is his attorney back in Richland." I wasn't lying.

  Nice, you won't lie to a stranger but you'll lie to your own blood. Great role model, Elleny!

  "Ah" is what he countered me with. I faced forward not looking at him, still thinking about how this happened from going in my office to the kitchen and now I'm getting in a car with a total complete stranger.

  "…have kids?" I heard kids and that was it.

  "I'm sorry?"

  He chuckled, "I asked if you had kids."

  I smiled politely; I think I was over thinking this whole scenario. "Yes, I have three. I have a set of twins who are seventeen and a fourteen year old."

  "Yikes, teenagers!" he laughed and held his hands up in front of him as though he was protecting his chest.

  I laughed quietly. "They're really not that bad. My kids and I are…close. We only have each other to depend on."

  All the sudden, his eyes perked up, his body language changed and he seemed curious "So, no loving hubby?"

  "No, not at all." there again, I wasn't lying, my husband was not a loving man.

  "Hmmmmm."

  What is up with this man's vocabulary, could he respond like an adult?

  At that moment the doors opened up and he flung his arm out as to say ladies first. I nodded and walked out. I stopped by the doors since I had no clue what direction we were going in, I thought I'd better let him lead.

  We walked again with very little conversation spoken, he made sure to make it known that he was divorced with no kids. His ex was a bitch and he didn't see any point in bringing kids up with a mother like that. I pictured my kids.

  We come to stop in front of a rocket. This was no car, this was either something that should only have its tires on a closed, well supervised course or launching from Kennedy Space Center.

  "Your shittin me right? You want me to get in… that?" I said with a gurgle.

  He down right laughed "Honey, this is not a… that; this is next year's model of the Porsche 911. This is a sleeping baby right now, but here in a minute she will be raring to go and play". He beeped the locks and opened the door for me. I folded into the seat and tried very hard not to throw up as I felt like I was in a can of soda, since the dashboard was four inches from my face. Well, it felt that way.

  Sam came around the back and got in the driver's side and turned the key to start the car. As he went to put the car in reverse to back up out of the parking spot, his hand gently caressed up against the outside of my thigh. I turned to look at him but he kept looking back behind us attempting to get out of the parking garage as though nothing had happened. I let it go because we were in a closed area. He put the car in drive and did it again. I looked back over at him. He looked at me this time and it took a moment for him to see I was not going to allow that to happen again.

  "I apologize Elle, small, cramped area." I turned to look forward again and he starts talking�
� a-fucking-gain.

  "How long are you going to be in town?" I smiled because I totally knew it wasn't as long as TJ thought it was going to be and then I wouldn't have to deal with him ever again.

  "I should be out of here by Wednesday."

  He looked like he was disappointed. "So soon? I thought maybe I could show you around my town a little."

  I put my mask back in place. "Well, I appreciate it but I am going to be pretty busy this weekend with paperwork and computer programs." I tittered.

  "Elleny, you still have to eat." He smiled crookedly at me since he was looking out the window; driving.

  Now I'm getting tired of this. I feel uncomfortable, I don't know where I am or where I'm going. This coffee shop could be in Puerto fucking Rico for all I know and I'm sitting next to a man who looks like James Bond but has the conversational skills of Barney the dinosaur.

  "Ah, but see the good thing about living in the twenty-first century? Hotels now have room service."

  He looks over at me and no lie; breaks out in a hysterical laugh. "Oh girl, you are too much!"

  He actually thinks I'm joking. I turn back around front and notice we're around the block from the hotel where I'm staying. "Hey, I didn't know there was a coffee shop around here, that's my hotel right there, I won't be drinking anymore hotel room coffee." We passed my hotel and went to the next block. There was the sign for "Coffee Cabana". He parked on the street about another block away, and we walked right to the shop. It was packed in there. The people ordering were screaming orders in code words while the people behind the counter were repeating the orders and yelling people's names. There were bodies coming in on one side of me and on the other side they were going out. I wasn't paying attention but out of nowhere I felt Sam at my ear, his nose was up in my hair, it almost seemed like he was smelling me. I backed away the second I noticed him right there.