Personal Experiences

by Tracy Lee

  "I asked you what you like in your coffee." He said kinda yelling. It was really loud in here. "I'd like a large coffee, nothing fancy, one substitute; one creamer". He ran up to the counter beside the line where the people were waiting to order and shouted someone's name. The man came up to him and shook his hand, pointed at me, the man shook his head; Sam said a few more words then shook his hand again. I saw Sam coming back from where he was, cutting through the crowd and ending up right by my side. "Ok, give him a minute, he'll have us hooked up in no time."

  "Great". Really that was great news I was ready to get back. Standing there I was watching groups of students grabbing coffees and walking out the door on their way to class, other's walked in hard hats under their arms, getting ready to start the day.

  "I could sit here and just people watch all day" I said to Sam. This was so surreal to me. The longest line I'd ever seen was waiting for a turn at sitting on the tree swing over Ferguson Falls and that was maybe two or three people.

  "I bet. They're a whole different bree-"Suddenly I felt someone hit me from the side and knock me straight into Sam. I would've fallen but he caught me. He stood me up and held me like that for a moment to get my balance back. He bent down to look me in the face "You ok?" The back of my head was sore it felt like someone threw something at me. "Yeah, I think so." He let go of me and looked around. "Stay here, listen for our names, I think I saw the kid that ran by you."

  I nodded my acknowledgement and stayed right where I was. I looked around a bit more, not looking at people but just trying to get my head back balanced. I heard Sam's name called so I went up to the counter to grab the coffees, I thanked the gentlemen and walked towards the entrance. Walking back out to the sidewalk I looked both ways down the street, I didn't see Sam anywhere. I began walking in the same direction we came in when I heard a honk, "Need a lift pretty lady?" There was Sam with the car. I smiled and walked towards the car as he opened the door I handed him his coffee and I got in. "Thank you for the coffee how much do I owe you?" I asked. He shook his head, "Your company was payment enough." I smiled, sat back and planted my face straight ahead…

  While I took a sip of my coffee.

  * * *

  We stepped off the elevator onto the top floor of the Mac-Gentry building. I was in a hurry to get back to my office and start working to get my ass home. I thanked Sam for showing me the coffee shop and for the coffee then I excused myself to head back. He seemed to be following me. I almost turned around to see if he needed something when he turned down a hallway that I had never been down before. I continued walking back by TJ's office and entered my own. I turned on my computer and waited for it to warm up, sitting there at my desk my mind began to wander to this morning, to the vivacity I have been feeling the last couple of days, my thoughts left me speechless, I couldn't imagine not feeling this again, but yet, I knew that it was because of my time with TJ and I was not going down that road.

  My computer came on and I signed into the network's terminal and began to work. I was sort of stunned that TJ hadn't been in to bitch me out for going with Sam but returning, when I passed his office, I didn't see any movement from the corner of my eye.

  I worked harder than I had ever worked. I knew I had a personal deadline to meet, so I continued through the final box of client information that had now been efficiently organized on memory stick so that this whole ordeal would go more proficiently. I looked at the clock; 12:42. I mentally patted myself on the back. As soon as the last file was entered and then placed in an orderly fashion back into the box. I buzzed Sara's extension; no answer. She was the assistant that had access to the confidential client records, so she would have to be the one who returned them back to where she got them. Because she was a bitch, I wouldn't have put it past her to do some stupid shit, so to cover my ass I wanted someone to know what I was doing. I got up from my desk and walked by TJ's office, the glass was opaque. I turned around to ask Mary if he was in a meeting and noticed she wasn't at her desk, so I went up to the door and knocked.

  "Come in" I heard a familiar, yet irritating voice call from inside. As I opened the door, I saw Sara sitting on the couch across the room from TJ's desk applying lip gloss to her incensing malicious smile. TJ steps out of the back hallway and came to a stop when he saw me. He was buttoning up a new pressed shirt after he just tucked it into his pants.

  "Obviously, I have interrupted something, I'll come back later." I responded quickly and turned to leave just as fast. I was so fucking mad, I couldn't seem to get anything else out. But why I was mad, I had no idea. It wasn't like I owned him or we were married. He didn't owe me any anything.

  "Elle, wait." TJ stated but I didn't listen. I walked straight back into my office and picked up the box that was sitting on my desk. I could hear TJ following me but I turned right back around and headed out; meeting him right outside the entrance to my office.

  "Elle, let me explain."

  "I was just looking for Sara. I have to have her put these up so that they don't get lost. I actually took some time and arranged them alphabetically so that she would have an easier job at putting them up."

  I tried to move past him but he wouldn't let me through. He grabbed the box and attempted to take it away from me. "Elle, let me have the box and let's go back in the office and talk for a minute."

  I held onto the box tighter, when I snickered "talk about what TJ? There's nothing to talk about. Look, I'm really busy. I have phone calls to make and papers to file. I need to get this back to Sara and-"

  I didn't have time to say anything more. The box was ripped out of my hands, he took it and marched swiftly back to his office, Sara was exiting at the moment "Sara, go files these and keep them organized just as they are, now."

  Her mouth dropped and her eyes came to me. She didn't have time to reply he was marching back to me just as swiftly. Her large eyes turned into a glare when it hit her what had just happened. I don't know what happened in that office, but I knew I sure as fuck did not want to know. I stood there at the door, arms folded over my chest just watching him walk towards me, as he passed he grabbed my hand pulling me in. He then slammed the door behind him.

  "Sit" He demanded as he pointed to the couch.

  "Fuck you!" I same furiously.

  TJ closed his eyes and drew in breath as to calm himself. "Elleny, don't start this shit again. We're both aggravated and I have something I need to say to you so please, don't fight me on this."

  I was not going to sit down to hear him tell me not only has he been fucking me but he's been fucking Sara too. As a matter of fact. Fuck him! He can sit, I'm standing. I didn't feel he owed me an explanation for whatever he had going on with her, it just would've been nice to know that I wasn't the only one. Here I was yesterday, having an STD test done because my husband slept with anything that drew breath and he sat beside me, holding my hand and knowing that he was doing the same thing. Fucking men suck!

  "Really TJ, to be honest with you, I really don't care what you have to say and I really don't think you owe me an explanation on who you do and who you don't do, just like I don't owe you an explanation on what goes on in my bed either. It's not like we're married, I just would've liked to have known so that you could've used protection."

  He came at me, his lips were in a perfect straight line. He put his hands around my waist, lifted me up and carried me to the couch. Once there, he tossed me on it.

  "I said sit!"

  I gasped "Trevor McHale!"

  "You're gonna sit and we're gonna talk, and don't call me Trevor again!" He demanded as he came to sit next to me.

  "I don't have time for this bullshit TJ, I have calls to make." I looked at my watch just so I didn't have to look at him.

  I took a breath, either from exhaustion from all this drama or to calm myself down, I wasn't sure. TJ saw that I was still irritated. He picked up my hand and kissed my knuckles.

  "Babe…Where did you go this morning?" he said in a softer tone. The tone I
could never say no to. This was the TJ that I fell in love with 24 years ago, sitting in a circle on the sidelines of a soccer field playing telephone with. This was the man that told me that same day that he was going to marry me and no matter how much I fought it, it was happening. His tone told me he still felt the same way he did that day. I looked over at him and my eyebrows must've been drawn up because as soon as I looked over at him his went up as well. I still didn't say a word, just moved my eyes over him. What seemed like minutes but actually was moments, I noticed him; Trevor. I looked at his hair; strands I've had wrapped around my fingers, that I've brushed off his face to just bask in all that was him. I reached up and did just that, I gently moved his hair away from his face and looked at his forehead. "Elleny?" I still didn't respond. I touched his brow that was raised up in confusion and curiosity. I ran my thumb over the little wrinkles that had taken up residence there due to stress and time. His skin was delicate to me; so soft and so warm. I wanted to take those lines of stress away, I wanted to take everything that made him not be this Trevor, I wanted to take it off of him.

  I wanted to be the eighteen year olds back out at the lake where we had no cares in the world, just laying down on a mound full of sleeping bags discussing how Layla was a slutty name. I wanted to be his savior as he was mine. I looked deep in his eyes; beautiful long thick eyelashes that curl just enough to see the hazel eyes that reigned over me. Eyes that flare red when he's lustful and angry, that also glimmer when things matter to him. I am mesmerized every time I look in them. They possess me. When he looks at me his eyes don't stay still, they flicker back in forth looking into both of mine, so that I get a double shot of just how truthful and heartfelt the meaning of what he is telling me is.

  They can look at me in an instant and interpret everything that I am feeling; they know me; he knows me. They read my soul and my soul can't be away from him another day, it barely makes it an hour. I slowly move my fingers down his cheek to his lips. Lips that are fleshy and plump and the perfect color of pink, with one touch they can drop me to my knees or command me to do anything. They have tasted me, aroused me, they have even comforted me. I run my finger over his bottom lip and feel him take it in his mouth and swirl his tongue around it. I close my eyes, he knows; every thought, every idea, every emotion I am feeling, he knows. Still, not having said a word, I throw my leg over his and straddle him, still just staring at him. I touch my nose to his and slowly rub them together taking in his scent that captivates me.

  He could be in another room and I walk into the room he just left and smell his scent and immediately become wet. It enthralls me; enchants me. I go to his ear, ears that have heard my moans of pleasure and of pain. Ears that have heard me beg and plead with hunger. They have heard me laugh and cry. I pull his earlobe in my mouth and bite gently with my teeth. I hear a soft hum in his chest. Softly, I whisper against his ear "Do you like it when I do that?" He doesn't answer my question verbally, I feel him grip my thighs with his hands and feel him instantly get hard between my legs. ‘hmmmmm, I take it that's a yes."

  I flick my tongue on his ear again. I begin moving back and forth in his lap. I hold the power now, he's under my command. I pull my head back and look at him, his eyes are closed so I lean my cheek up against his cheek and brush him with my breath again "tell me what you're thinking, TJ" his eyes open up and I can see his eyes are flaring, I know this man too well. "Do you really want to know what I'm thinking? I'm thinking what in the hell I have to do so that you will never leave me again."

  What the fuck! Talk about coming to a complete stop! This moment is ruined.

  "Fuck!" I yelled as I hopped off of him and headed back to my desk. I grabbed my purse and headed for the door. "Where the fuck do you think you're going?" TJ asked. Grabbing for the knob, I go to turn it and realize it's locked. I turned around and glared at him. "Nice Trevor… real nice." He had it planned that he was gonna attempt to get him something instead of talking. As I passed Mary's desk, I heard him yell…"We need to talk!" I don't even look back, just keep walking and reply "Go talk to Sara! I'm sure she'll eat your bullshit up!"

  I had no clue where I was going or what I was doing, I just had to get out of there for a moment. So I went to the elevators and waited. It seemed easier to take the stairs. I asked Charlene where the stairwell was and she directed me to it. I walked through and noticed there were stairs leading up. I thought we were on the top of the building but obviously they led somewhere, so I took them. I saw a door which had to lead out to the roof; so I opened it and not being sure if it locked automatically or not I put my purse between the door and the jamb. I am standing on the rooftop overlooking the city and I don't want to go anywhere else. I walk out to the edge, well… a bit farther than where I was standing now and look down, I felt dizzy but I felt alive. The wind was cold and gusting and yet it didn't feel cold or blow debris up at me. I sat down and lifted my head up to the sky. I felt the sun beating down on my face because my eyes were closed, no one was around and all I heard, other than the wind was silence.

  I sat up there for an hour just alone with my thoughts and nothing else to bombard me. I came back down and went straight to my office and began working. I didn't go to see TJ and he didn't come to me, obviously he has caused enough waves in this office this week, he didn't need anymore. I called and booked five signings for Monday, since you never knew how long it was going to take to go over everything when it came to company buy outs you had to give plenty of time, I've learned two hours is a good time span.

  So Monday we were booked all the way until 6:30. Tuesday I book seven and that was doing them until 8:30 and then catching a red eye out of here. He was going to have to work Saturday and Sunday if he wanted all of these done and we were still going to have to probably come back to do more, fuck that if I had to work all weekend every hour we were getting this shit done. I was getting up to go talk to him about this weekend when Sara walked into my office.

  Shit!

  She came in without knocking and closed the door behind her.

  Double shit!

  "Is there something I can help you with Sara? I was just getting ready to go have a meeting with Mr.McHale and to be quite honest, I really don't have the time to deal with shit drama."

  She stood in front of my desk looking down at it, moving shit around like it was hers and she was organizing it. "I just have one thing to say to you" she informed me. Oh, now really. "Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot who I was speaking to, please forgive me, I'm used to dealing with professional executive assistants ones that have college degrees. When I say I don't have time for drama" I leaned over the desk and spoke slow, "I mean I don't have time for drama. Now if you'll excu-"

  "He won't fuck you and if he does, he won't keep you."

  Whoa. Where did this come from?

  "I beg your pardon?"

  "Oh, I know what you're trying to do Elleny; work right next door to the main man who is worth millions and flaunt your…." She looked me up and down one time and curled her lip. "Flaunt your shit in front of him, which to me looks like he could do so much better. I'm onto you and let me let you in on a little secret, I've been here working my ass off to the core for four years now and if anyone is in the seat for him next, that seat belongs to me."

  Was the bitch for real? I was speechless, I can't even think of what to say. I could right now bring her back down to reality but then I'd blow my very intricate cover of professionalism; but shit, how great would it feel to put this lint-licker in her place. And second, she said if anyone was in the seat for him next; what does that mean? Hmmmmm, I think I'm going to have to do some investigating here. Time to piss off this little bitch.

  "Oh, so you mean that your next, huh? You weren't good enough to have him first? You get someone else's sloppy seconds?" That's when I was slapped in the face. "She didn't work here long, he wouldn't let her. Her name was Natasha, she started here and they got together; it got serious quick. She'd come in to have lunch with him and we'd talk
. Said she thought they'd be planning a wedding soon. She was practically living with him. Then one day about eight months ago, out of nowhere, BAM! Dropped her like a hot potato. Didn't call her again, moved all her shit out of his house; he got tired of her. So don't think you have a chance to make him into the perfect husband cuz he aint husband material."

  I couldn't see. I couldn't hear, I had to sit down. I felt like I was going to pass out. I had to finish this conversation and get the fuck out of here.

  I was pissed, so I didn't have to act very much but I put on a good show for her. "First, is that how this works…he gets passed around like a tray of hors devours around here? Well, you can pass me by because I don't do bitches sloppy seconds. Second off, if you ever come to me again with high school bitch drama, I'll kick your ass like a high school bully. You got me?"

  I didn't even wait for an answer, I just got my shit, my box of memory sticks, my laptop and purse and walked out the door. I couldn't let on that I knew about Natasha, because I was ready just to go and get a new hotel room, I'd pay for the shit myself, but then he'd know something was up so I just had to bite my tongue and move the fuck on. I walked by his office and he was in there by himself, I walked up to his desk and told him.

  "I have booked you solid on Monday until 4:30; Tuesday until 7:30 and you're going to have to do signings all weekend long to even start to get ahead of this. I talked to Mary; she's calling me a cab. I've had a shit day. I'm going to the hotel to work and then going to bed. Have a good evening."

  Chapter Nineteen

  May 1996

  It's spring again. I stared out at the raindrops streaking down the window of the nursery where I had just laid my new born daughter, Harlee down in her crib. We had just gotten back from my check up to make sure everything looked good and I found out that I could get a contraceptive shot, that way Bear wouldn't know and I wouldn't have to find myself in this predicament again. Don't get me wrong, I was thrilled now that she was here, she was beautiful. She looked like me; dark strands of hair wisped on her small head, her soft skin was pale, not tan like Bear's and I felt as though my prayers were answered, I couldn't see anything of him in her which I'm sure I would be hearing about.