Personal Experiences

by Tracy Lee

  He still had his JoJo. She was his favorite and he showed it. Luc was an identical image to his father and that infuriated him. I was shocked no one in town ever said anything to me about it, every time I looked at him my heart would stop in my chest.

  In the past months, the twins turned three and were in daycare and they loved it. I was chomping at the bit to get back to work seeing as Bear never brought home a paycheck anymore he told me that I had enough money, I didn't need to take his too I began taking what I needed from my trust to support me and the kids

  Daddy and Mona had went on vacation in Europe and had just returned. They stopped by to see Harlee since they missed her birth; he didn't want to go, but I told him I'd be just fine. He needed time away, for himself and I was kind of hoping that maybe he'd begin to finally see what Mona was trying to tell him.

  She had changed since I had the twins. I think she really just wanted to feel involved in a family and before, it was always the two of us; she was the outsider. Now I needed her, just as much as I needed him and that made her happy. She needed to be needed.

  Lilly had graduated early and had moved back to town last weekend. I was so thankful she was here as was Curt. She moved all her things into Curt's and was in the process of looking for a job although, we were spending so much time together he'd have to pry us apart.

  Rachel and Kevin were finishing up their last year of school and were graduating next weekend. I was thrilled to have her coming back home too, I missed her terribly. Her and Kevin made the trip back when I was having Harlee, she knew I didn't have anyone to watch the kids so they stayed at her mom's and played momma for a day or two, this also gave her an excuse for them to do some house hunting while they were here. I gave birth, alone in a hospital room with a nurse by my side holding my hand. I didn't mind, at least he drove me to the hospital. I have forgotten what it feels like to be special to someone, just to hold my hand or to tell me I'm doing a good job at something when I think I'm doing awful. I forget what it feels like to know that someone is dependable and faithful. I am the steadfast one daily…alone; what would it be like to have a partner that shared that, I would never find out.

  I turned away from the window and looked down at my sleeping angel that I had been blessed with, she would never know the truth, how damaged her momma was; she was my gratification from the violence that was her making. I lowered myself to lay a gentle kiss to her head, to smell that smell that gave me comfort and tranquility. I walked out of the nursery with a slight close of the door.

  I headed downstairs with thoughts heavy on my mind. My dreams had started up again while I was pregnant, not every night but frequently, he'd show up here and there sometimes he'd just pass me on a street sometimes he would speak to me. I blamed it on the hormones flowing throughout my body. I checked on the meat in the oven that was for dinner and saw that it still had some time left for cooking. I started a pot of coffee and went to go sit down at the table.

  I remembered a time, it was late spring, early summer our junior year when we went to the local mud-hole where everyone in McIntosh county could be found. Down off a dirt road through a grouping of pine trees was the swampy earth that everyone flocked to I know the sheriff knew we hung out there but he didn't seem to bother us, there were no homes around us and we didn't cause any trouble, no fighting nothing like that we were there to drink, laugh and possibly drive out in the woods and get laid.

  We'd run TJ's truck through the pit of clay that was slick as snot; sometimes we'd get stuck sometimes we run and go straight through but everyone knew you were leaving a fuck of a lot dirtier than you showed up. We met up with Bear and Rach; Lilly and Curt. I jumped out of the cab and headed to the back of the truck TJ was already up there where he had moved the cooler from inside to the back where we'd sit and drink. He grabbed my hands and pulled me up into the truck bed then guided my hips with his hands to his toolbox where he jumped up and hefted me up on his lap. Curt and Lilly were on the other side. We sat there cheering on the drivers as they attempted their runs through, we'd laugh our asses off when they'd get stuck and everyone would jump out of the truck beds to try and get them out, that was the fun part.

  "Hey Elle, let's you and I go wrestle in the pit, maybe our men would have fun cleaning us off" Rachel teased.

  I looked at her and laughed, Bear thought he'd chime in with his encouragement as he wrapped her up in his arms and rolled his hips against hers. "Baby, you just made my dick hard! Yeehaw! My ole lady's gonna get down and dirty fer me!!" He screamed as he got up on the toolbox in the back of the truck. I heard more laughing and two echoed holy shit's coming from Curt and TJ. I rolled in hysterics.

  We sat there in our spot for a while, chatting and teasing with our friends all the trucks had their radio stations tuned to the same channels so it sounded as if we were at a concert. Going into my third beer, TJ leaned into me and whispered in my ear; "Let's go get lost, baby". I knew what that meant, I felt all bubbly inside. I nodded and jumped off his lap so he could get up and grabbed his hand. He jumped off the back of the truck and grabbed me by my hips and helped me down. As we walked towards the woods, we'd yell greetings to this person and that one, "Strawberry Wine" by Deana Carter blasting on the radios, I turned to face TJ and put my hands around his neck "we're heading to the woods, what are your plans with me once we get there? You do know that Jason from Friday the 13th only comes and kills teenage kids making out in the woods, dontcha?" I said jokingly as I got up on my toes to plant a kiss on his lips. He smiled as I kissed him and told me that Jason aint man enough to come round here. As we entered the woods, I could still hear the music from the trucks off in the distance, until we came to an opening that was bare from trees and clay, being dark, I couldn't see much but what I could see was that it looked like a meadow.

  He let go of my hand and began walking around this huge field that to me looked untaken care of and lifeless. The grass was high and brown, there were thorns growing in areas, I was kind of concerned if snakes were living among it. I didn't even know what we were doing here until he began talking. "I used to come here when I was a kid with my daddy huntin'. We used to cross over this here field to get into that shot of woods over there. This field, don't look like much now but come weeks from now, babe, this will be full of daisies. The sun's rays shine straight down on this here pasture, everything that the sun possesses, the daises get. Not just the warmth, not just the light and not just the nutrients…they get it all Elle. See the woods over there? The rays don't go in the trees their branches break ‘em off, the light travels in ‘em but they don't get everything. The flowers never grow past this field. It's as if they know if they leave, they leave everything behind, and then they die. These flowers have a perfect spot to the light; to life. This is where they're meant to be, Elle."

  I could hear him talking but I really heard what he was saying. I began walking towards him, he turned around from looking at the trees when he heard me trampling over the knee high grass. Reaching him I put my arms around his waist and laid my head on his chest and just stayed there for moments listening to the sound of his breathing and beating heart. "This is where I need to be, Elle. You are my perfect spot. This is why I brought you here, this is us, baby. If we pull away from each other we die, if we stay right here together; connected, we are alive and thriving." I looked up at him and didn't have to say a word, he knew I was with him. I leaned up and kissed him softly. "I love you so much, Trevor. I'm here baby… right here in the light with you and always will be." He kissed me and smiled "Elle, I don't want to hear you say how much you love me, I want you to show me how much you love me"

  For some reason I felt nervous. It's not like I haven't done it with him before, he took my virginity for Christ sake. I was apprehensive because this was me wanting to show him as best as I could that I loved him, for him to see how true and how deep. Words weren't enough for him so my actions had to be.

  "TJ-"

  "No Elle, no words." He started to unbu
tton his shirt, his eyes never leaving mine. I could see him out of the corner of mine get to the last button and he took it off. Laying it on the ground he came to standing straight again and didn't move. I took my one finger and ran it down his tight stomach muscles feeling him reflexively clench. "No words, Elle, just touch. Show me how much I'm your sun". I flew to him and slammed my mouth down on his. I kissed him deep and it was wet and uncoordinated and messy but I didn't care this wasn't about how well I performed and how sexy I looked doing it, this was serious; this was concerning my life. He didn't seem to mind because he was right there with me. He untucked my shirt, I broke the kiss long enough for him to lift it over my head. He threw it to the ground. I was fussing with my belt, never letting my lips leave his. I didn't want to break the connection between us, I finally got my pants off. Standing there in the middle of this pasture; grass knee high, snakes could be at my feet but nothing else mattered to me except this man here in front of me. He broke the kiss to get his pants off and he laid down on the clothes that covered the ground. He went into his boxer to take himself out that was when I stopped him.

  "Don't."

  He stopped. I knelt down next to him, he had a concerned look on his face. I looked over his silhouette under the moonlight and just imagined from seeing him naked before what he looked like laying sprawled out in front of me…just for me…waiting for just me.

  Silently, I whispered "I know you said no words but I feel I just need to say this." I smiled, I knew he couldn't see but I smiled when I was nervous. "TJ, I'm going to attempt to show you how much I love you baby, but for me to speak the words and to physically show you… it won't be enough. I gave you my innocence… no one else will have that. No one else will ever touch me, never feel me like you will and it still isn't enough to show you how deep my love is for you baby. So just know, this and however many times we continue this throughout our lifetime…" I'm losing my battle with the tears at this point so I just barely squeak out. "I can't show you enough." He reached up and grabbed my head and put his mouth over mine again, stroking my tongue lovingly, explicating that he understood what I was saying. I reached into his boxers and began stroking him, he broke the kiss and lowered his eyes to watch my actions. He reached down and removed his boxers all the way and continued watching me.

  "That's it baby, up and down" he pleasantly urged me. I stopped for a moment and took off my panties. I straddled him and bent down to kiss him as he positioned himself at my entrance.

  "Another man will never be where I am with you right now…you get me, Elle?" I got him. I didn't want any other man there. I lowered myself down on him and closed my eyes. "Trevor" I whimpered. I felt animate; I was more alive than I had ever been. My senses felt heightened, I could hear things. I could see things more clearly. I looked up at the moon, I literally could feel heat absorbing into my skin from it. This was life, just like the flowers, I wasn't going to be leaving this because if I did, I would dwindle.

  "Elleny."

  A man's voice brought me back to my reality. A man's soft voice in my house. I stood up quickly and turned around and saw Lilly and Curt standing there in my kitchen.

  Curt was in his uniform and Lilly's eyes were red from crying…something was wrong.

  Curt's voice brought me back to him again.

  "Elle, honey…you might want to sit back down, where are the kids?"

  "Ummmm" I didn't know what to say. Was it Bear? Has he been hurt? Oh fuck; Rachel. Oh mother fucker, something's happened to TJ and they're coming to tell me. Oh my god I'm going to have a heart attack right here and die.

  "Elleny" He yelled a little louder.

  "Twins at school, Baby upstairs" that's all I could get out.

  "Lils, go check on the baby, real quick please". He said to Lilly, she touched his shoulder as to reiterate something; what, I had no clue. She ran by me and went up the stairs she disappeared as I sat down.

  "Cups?" He was going to drink coffee right now. I pointed, I couldn't talk. I didn't want to ask because I couldn't stand to hear if it was about Trevor.

  I got up and walked around the table to where Curtis was pouring himself a cup of coffee and I just stared at him. He poured his cup and turned to walk to me and found me there staring at him.

  "I don't have a will." yes, that really just came out of my mouth.

  "And with regards to my kids… I don't have anything written down legally where they could go and I know that Bear wouldn't want them. He's not even listed on the JoJo and Luc's birth certificate."

  He was looking at me like I have lost my mind.

  "Uh, Elle…why are you telling me this?" I didn't know what he was going to say but I wanted him to know this information just in case because if what he had to tell me had to do with Trevor, I couldn't go on.

  Tears began to pool in my eyes, I didn't think I could get any words out of my mouth. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Lilly walk back into the kitchen and come up behind me putting her hand around my waist. Yep, this was it, this was how I was leaving this earth, and I would never see my kids grow up.

  "Because if you've come to tell me something has happened to Trevor… I'm going to drop dead right here at your feet." His eyes went up to Lilly and stayed there.

  "No Elle, nothing's happened to Trevor. Honey, let's go have a seat, ok."

  Lilly led me to the table that I had just stood from and all three of us sat down. They both looked at each other. I looked between them like this was a tennis match and I wanted it to be over with.

  "Just fucking tell me, Curt!" I yelled.

  "Honey…your daddy and Mona are gone."

  I thought for a moment, I know the look on my face had to be strange, I just kept thinking… no they're not; they just got back. Then it hit me. GONE… dead… DEAD!!!

  I could sense they knew when it hit me. My facial expression had to have changed to… nothing. I was utterly and completely alone. I had no one. My daddy, the other half of my heart… was gone. What was I going to do. He was my strength now that TJ wasn't around. He was my pillar of power, my unshakable advocate. Who was I going to turn to now. I sure as fuck wasn't going to go spend my fucking Sunday afternoons talking to a shitty ass headstone! I needed my daddy here, with me… I needed him here… with me!

  I stood up, both sets of eyes on me. I didn't say a word; I couldn't. I was numb. I opened the sliding glass door to my back yard, I heard the legs from the chairs scratch on the floor from where they were getting up slowly to see what I was going to do. I went down the stairs to the back porch. I put my bare feet in the grass it was so soft some of the pieces I didn't step on tickled the tops of my feet. I just looked at my feet, no crying; no swearing; just walking in a circle. I saw Lilly come up to me and grab me by my shoulders to turn me to her.

  "Elle, honey…talk to me, baby" tears were flowing constantly down her cheeks and I said everything I could say to her… everything.

  "I'm being punished Lilly. God is punishing me for what I did. I took my babies away from their daddy, thinking at the time I was doing the right thing. I wanted him to have a life, a life out of Richland. I made a bet with Bear; he could raise these babies as his own and TJ could go on with his life and be happy, not be tied down to the likes of me, Lilly. I'm being punished for doing what I thought was right. I gave up college, I gave up everything." At this point I'm becoming more aware of what happened. "I GAVE UP EVERYTHING, LILLY!!!!!! FOR HIM!!!! I LOST HIM TOO!!" I began crying as she tried to pull me into her. I couldn't do it, she was too good to comfort me. I was nothing, I was an orphan in this world. I pushed away from her screaming at the top of my lungs.

  "NO LILLY!! CANT YOU SEE, GOD HATES ME! I CAN'T BE NEAR YOU, I LOVE YOU TOO MUCH TO LOSE YOU TOO!!! I CAN'T TAKE ANOTHER LOSS!!!!" I just fell to my knees and looked up at the sky and screamed with everything that was in me. No words, just screamed every emotion I could feel all at the same time.

  Finally, after there was nothing left of my voice, I rolled myself up into a ball and
just sat there. I couldn't cry anymore tears. I couldn't think anymore thoughts all I could do was sit there and stare at my friend. The love that I felt for her and Rachel was, besides my children, the greatest of my life.

  "I'm alone, Lils" I squeaked out.

  "No you're not" she replied almost instantaneously.

  I laid my cheek on my knee and wished with all that was within me that I could be as strong as her, I didn't have it in me. I had wasted it all on fucking Bear.

  "What do I do, where do I go?" I asked my surroundings, looking for someone to point me in a direction, in any direction that would take me to happiness. I had already been down the roads of pain and misery, they seemed like dead ends to me, roads that had no intersecting street to leave.

  "You go on with your life, Elle" see, what she didn't know and I didn't want to tell her was that I didn't have a life. My husband was an asshole and I couldn't leave him. My heart belonged to a man who probably didn't even give a shit that he still had it and has more than likely given his to someone else. I didn't have a life, but I couldn't tell her that. I just smiled at her.

  I knew I had to pick my kids up from daycare so I got up hugged and thanked both of them for coming over and letting me know personally. They had a key to get in, they could find the door to leave out of, I think I was still in a little bit of shock. I went upstairs, got the baby in her carrier and grabbed my purse then went to go get my twins.