The Best Rootin' Tootin' Shootin' Gunslinger in the Whole Damned Galaxy

by Mike Resnick

  “That’s the name I gave him the first time I saw him."

  “Perhaps it is just as well,” said the blue man soothingly. “As I told you some time back, Earth has been closed to members of the Community."

  “Not this time,” said Flint.

  “But—"

  “I gave him my word. Promises aren’t my strong point,” he added wryly, “but I intend to keep this one.” He lowered his head in thought for a moment.

  “I’ll bury him next to my mother,” he said at last.

  “I thought you did not get along well with your mother."

  “He wanted a family,” said Flint softly. “I’ve got one to spare."

  “I do not know if Kargennian will approve,” said Mr. Ahasuerus.

  “That implies he’s got a choice. He hasn’t."

  “But what shall I tell him?"

  “Tell him that Thaddeus Flint is taking his friend home,” said Flint, rising from the table and heading off toward the infirmary to say a private farewell to the hunchback. As he rode the elevator up to the fourth level he searched his memory for childhood prayers, and discovered to his surprise that he knew one less than Diggs.

  Chapter 22

  Four days had passed, and Flint found himself sitting in the blue man’s office, staring at his partner’s latest art display and finding that it made no more sense to him than any of the others. He was drinking a lukewarm beer, while Mr. Ahasuerus, obviously agitated, had forsaken coffee cups and was drinking huge quantities directly from a thermos bottle.

  “But why?” he persisted. “Surely we can simply ship the body there on one of our cargo ships."

  “And let one of the Corporation’s six-legged four-eyed polka-dot employees cart it off to a cemetery in Trenton, New Jersey?” replied Flint with a tired smile. “Don’t you think he might appear just a little bit conspicuous?” The smile vanished. “Besides, the only way I’m going to know that Tojo actually winds up on Earth is to go with him. I trust the Corporation just about as far as I can spit with my mouth closed."

  “Kargennian will never permit it."

  “You leave Kargennian to me,” replied Flint.

  The blue man drummed his fingers nervously on his desk. “I just cannot help feeling that you have not thought this through. Believe me, I know Kargennian. He has been looking for an opportunity to get rid of you for years. If you leave the show against his wishes, he will never allow you to come back."

  “What makes you think I’m coming back?” said Flint.

  “I knew it!” muttered the blue man. The drumming of his fingers became faster and louder until he finally balled them into a fist and slammed his hand onto the desk.

  “Take it easy,” said Flint. “I’ve never seen a blue skeleton have a stroke before, and I’ve got a feeling I wouldn’t know what to do."

  Mr. Ahasuerus took a long swallow from his thermos bottle, then looked intently at Flint. “Are you so unhappy here?” he asked at last.

  “Happiness isn’t in the cards for everyone,” replied Flint. “Let’s just say that I’m tired. I came out here with a dozen misfits and no money, and in five years I built the biggest show in the galaxy. That ought to be enough."

  “But why leave, now that the groundwork is done?"

  “Because I’m just as broke as when I started,” said Flint. “Because Tojo and the Dancer are dead, and Gloria and Fast Johnny Carp have become creatures that I used to have nightmares about. Because Monk is out-and-out crazy, and Stogie is dying. Aren’t those enough reasons?"

  “And what about the others?” persisted the blue man. “If we let you return, what about them?"

  “They don’t want to go back,” said Flint. “Monk will never go anywhere without Batman. The only thing Diggs lives for is fleecing marks, and he’s got more of ’em up here than he ever had on Earth. Stogie, for all his talk about going home to die, is never going to leave the one place that will let him work. Barbara’s got three or four prison raps hanging over her head. The others have other reasons."

  “Don’t you think you owe it to them to discuss your decision with them?"

  “I already have. Besides, the only person I really owe anything to is you. That’s why I’m here now—and that’s why you’re going to keep quiet when the hotshot shows up."

  The intercom beeped, and a translated voice told Mr. Ahasuerus that Kargennian had arrived.

  “Send him up,” said the blue man.

  The two partners waited in silence until the rotund red alien entered the room.

  “Good day, Mr. Ahasuerus,” said Kargennian. He turned to Flint. “What is this I hear about your taking a leave of absence, Mr. Flint?"

  “I’m taking Tojo back to Earth,” said Flint. “Now sit down and tell me how you think you’re going to stop me."

  Kargennian seemed taken aback for just a moment, then quickly recovered his composure and sat down on a small metal chair. “And just how do you think you’re going to get him there, Mr. Flint?"

  Flint shrugged. “We’ve got a shuttlecraft and two small ships. Take your choice."

  The little alien shook his head. “Those are company property, Mr. Flint. I’m afraid I can’t let you use them."

  “We both know you’re going to let me take one of them,” said Flint with a smile, “so why not cut through all the bullshit and name your price on the front end—remembering, of course, that I’m no longer a wealthy man."

  “It really is out of the question. Earth is off-limits to Community members."

  “I’m not a Community member,” said Flint.

  “Nevertheless."

  “Kargennian, I’m going whether you want me to or not. Now, as I see it, you’ve got four alternatives. You can be a nice guy about it and wish me Godspeed, you can be your usual self and squeeze every last cent you can out of the situation, or you can be an asshole and send a couple of regiments of aliens out hunting for me on a world that’s not supposed to know you even exist."

  “That’s only three,” said Kargennian. “What is the fourth?"

  “You can make me mad, in which case I’ll have to dig two graves when I get there."

  “Are you threatening me, Mr. Flint?” asked Kargennian with a smile.

  “Absolutely,” said Flint so coldly that all trace of amusement vanished from the rotund alien’s face.

  “How do I know you won’t immediately go to the authorities and tell them about us?” demanded Kargennian.

  “Because I don’t plan to spend the rest of my life locked away in a padded cell."

  Kargennian stared at Flint for a long moment. “If I agree to let you go to Earth, you know that we will never take you back?"

  “I know."

  “I’ll be very blunt with you, Mr. Flint,” said Kargennian. “It has been my conviction for quite some time now that, while your entrepreneurial skills were probably necessary at the inception of this project, you really should have been replaced by someone with more managerial experience and a greater sense of Corporate teamwork two or three years ago."

  “Someone like you, perhaps?” asked Flint dryly.

  “As a matter of fact, yes."

  Flint grinned. “I didn’t know your circus was doing that badly."

  “That is neither here nor there,” said the little alien, obviously flustered. “The fact remains that while I personally have no objection to finally seeing the last of you, it is Corporate policy that no one may set foot on Earth."

  “Kargennian,” said Flint, “I’m in a hurry. Get to the point and let’s get this over with."

  “The point is that even if I were to convince the Corporation to make an exception in your case, you still have no means of transportation. It is, after all, a very expensive trip."

  “And you want to know how I’m going to pay for it?"

  “Precisely."

  “I’d have thought the answer to that would be obvious,” said Flint. “You’re paying for it."

  “I beg your pardon?"

  “
Look,” said Flint, lighting a cigarette and using one of the blue man’s artifacts for an ashtray, “you plan to make a zillion credits replaying the gunfight throughout the Community of Worlds, don’t you?"

  “Of course,” said Kargennian. “But what has that got to do with—?"

  “The Ahasuerus and Flint Traveling Carnival and Sideshow had Billybuck Dancer under contract at the time of his death. What makes you think we’re going to give you permission to play the fight?"

  “What are you talking about?” said Kargennian. “You are a wholly owned subsidiary. You may have owned the Dancer, but we own you."

  “You know it, and I know it, but I’ve seen the way your bureaucracy works,” said Flint with a smile. “How long do you think it’ll take you to prove it in court? How many contracts will you have to cancel in the process, and what kind of demand will there be for your holographs twenty years up the road when you finally win?"

  “This is blackmail, Mr. Flint!"

  “It certainly is,” agreed Flint amiably. “If, however, you will agree not to hinder me and will pick up the tab for my trip, I’ll sign over my rights to the Dancer here and now.” He paused. “We were going to get a quarter of the take anyway, so this will put my twelve and a half percent right in your pocket."

  “Are you serious, Mr. Flint?” said Kargennian, his face a mask of undiluted greed.

  “Absolutely."

  “Done!” he cried. “And good riddance to you! I’ll draw up the papers myself, and send them up for your signature within twenty minutes."

  “Just a moment,” said Mr. Ahasuerus, who had been a silent spectator throughout their conversation.

  “Yes? What is it?” said Kargennian.

  “If he is to leave, and it appears inevitable, we cannot let him leave destitute after all he has done for us. Surely we have an obligation to supply him with some currency."

  “Speaking of currency, you still owe me five thousand credits from our wager, Mr. Flint,” said Kargennian.

  “True enough,” agreed Flint. “I won’t ask you for a five-thousand-credit grubstake and we’ll call it square."

  “Fine,” said the rotund alien, leaving the office and scurrying away to draw up the necessary papers.

  “This is unacceptable!” said the blue man hotly. “I will speak to him again about the money."

  “Don’t worry about it."

  “But he is profiteering from your situation!"

  “Poor little bloodsucker,” said Flint with an amused smile. “He’s the kind of guy who always shells out fifty bucks for a fancy new toy and then forgets to spend six bits on the battery."

  “I am afraid I do not follow you, Mr. Flint,” said the blue man, refilling his thermos with a fresh pot of coffee.

  Flint walked to the desk, found a blank piece of computer readout paper, and scribbled a pair of brief sentences on it, signing his name with a flourish.

  “Here,” he said, handing the paper to his partner. “We didn’t just have the Dancer under contract—we also own all the rights to the Doc Holliday robot. I just signed my share of them over to you, so now you’ll have my percent from it."

  “This really isn’t necessary, Mr. Flint."

  “You don’t understand. If worst comes to worst, you’ll still get as much out of this as you originally planned—but in the meantime, I’d strongly advise you to bleed that little bastard dry. He can’t put his show on without the rights to both participants."

  “I never thought of that,” said Mr. Ahasuerus, flashing his teeth in his equivalent of a smile.

  “Well, you’re going to have to start thinking of things like that from now on,” said Flint seriously.

  “To borrow from your vernacular, I will screw things up terribly,” said the blue man wryly.

  “You’ll do just fine,” replied Flint. “If you run into trouble, ask Diggs for help. He’s a devious son of a bitch if there ever was one."

  “And you? What will you do with no money?"

  “The same thing I always did,” said Flint with a smile. “I’ll get by."

  “I suppose you will, at that,” agreed the blue man. He paused. “You will not reconsider?"

  Flint shook his head.

  “But there are so many worlds you have yet to see!"

  “One world’s pretty much like the next."

  “Think of the races you will never meet,” urged Mr. Ahasuerus.

  Flint smiled. “They’re even more alike than the worlds. Put a blue sharkskin suit on Kargennian and you’d never know the difference.” He paused. “Stick the dwarf in a healthy body and he’d have still been Tojo."

  They sat and discussed the past five years for a few minutes, the high points and the low, the triumphs and the failures, and then one of the games workers entered with the papers from Kargennian. Flint glanced over them, signed them, and got to his feet as the worker left.

  “I’ll be taking one of the little ships, I think,” he said. “No sense wasting something as big as the shuttlecraft for one passenger and a wooden box. I’d appreciate it if you’d have the ship’s computer program one of the robot pilots while I’m collecting my gear."

  Mr. Ahasuerus looked at him desperately. “Mr. Flint, won’t you please stay on as a personal favor to me?"

  Flint sighed. “I’m already doing a personal favor for someone else who asked first."

  The blue man stared at him. “I shall miss you, Mr. Flint,” he said at last.

  “I’ll miss you too,” replied Flint sincerely.

  Mr. Ahasuerus lowered his head and gazed at his long, interlaced fingers.

  “I always knew that you would leave someday. I just did not realize that it would be so soon.” He looked up to say something else, and found that he was alone in the room.

  Chapter 23

  "I still can’t believe he’s gone,” said Diggs.

  “It sure ain’t gonna be the same without him,” agreed Stogie.

  The two men were sitting with Julius Squeezer, Jiminy Cricket and Mr. Ahasuerus at the corner table that had been Flint’s for more than five years.

  The blue man was drinking coffee, Diggs and Jiminy had mugs of lukewarm beer before them, Julius had a foul-smelling fruit concoction, and Stogie was sharing a glass of artificial milk with his squirming little schnauzer.

  Diggs shook his head. “He had it all—money, women, everything—and he just walked away. I don’t understand it."

  “Perhaps he did not view things in precisely the same way that you do," suggested Mr. Ahasuerus softly.

  “He’s a carny,” said Diggs. “He’s got no more interest in going out and associating with normal people than I do. Once he takes care of business, he’s just going to hunt up another carnival to work for; it’s the only thing he knows. So why leave at all, when he owned the biggest?"

  “Possibly he did not wish to own the biggest carnival any longer,” said the blue man.

  “Horseshit!” said Diggs. “You know Thaddeus—the only way he ever measured anything was in terms of money."

  “Maybe he found a better way,” said Mr. Ahasuerus.

  “There ain’t none,” said Diggs decisively.

  “I’m certainly going to miss him,” said Julius. “No matter what happened, he always seemed in control of things. If there was a problem, somehow you always knew that he could fix it."

  “Or bribe it, or flimflam it,” added Stogie.

  “I just don’t know who’s going to take charge now that he’s gone," continued the huge green wrestler. He turned suddenly to the blue man.

  “Excuse me, Mr. Ahasuerus,” he added quickly. “I didn’t mean . . ."

  “I agree with you,” replied the blue man simply. “There is no need to apologize for stating the truth."

  “I’ll miss him too,” said Jiminy, “but surely the carnival will continue to function without him."

  “Of course it will,” said Stogie. “But it won’t be the same.” He turned to the Jimorian. “Who’s the strongest man you know
?"

  “Julius,” replied Jiminy without hesitation.

  “Yeah? Well, Thaddeus fought him in the ring a couple of years ago and beat the shit out of him,” said Stogie, chuckling at the memory. “How about the best lion tamer?"

  “I’ve never seen one,” admitted Jiminy.

  “You were supposed to say Monk,” said Stogie sullenly, “and then I was gonna tell you how Thaddeus pulled a couple of cats off him when they were attacking him. Hell, he could probably have found a way to beat the robot if he’d had to."

  “I don’t think anything could beat that machine in a fair fight,” said Jiminy.

  “Well, now,” interjected Diggs, “Thaddeus wasn’t so much concerned with fighting fair as he was with winning.” He paused thoughtfully. “That’s why I can’t understand his leaving. What did he get for it?"

  “Maybe he plans on coming back,” suggested Jiminy.

  “He will not come back,” said Mr. Ahasuerus.

  “Besides,” said Diggs, “he ain’t a man to carry a lot of emotional baggage around. When he walks out on a place, he’s done with it. I’ve been with him longer than anyone but Tojo; I know."

  Monk entered the mess hall and walked over to the little group. “Anybody seen Batman?” he asked. “I was supposed to meet him here for lunch."

  “He ain’t been around,” said Stogie. “Pull up a chair, Jupiter. I was just telling Jiminy about how Thaddeus saved your ass in the ring back in New Hampshire."

  Monk pulled up a chair. “Let him tell it himself,” he said. “He gets a kick out of it, especially if I’m around to hear.” He paused. “Where the hell is Thaddeus, anyway?"

  “He’s gone,” said Diggs.

  “Gone?” repeated Monk. “Gone where?"

  “He’s left the show."

  “Yeah. Where’d he go?"

  “Earth."

  Monk shook his head in amazement. “Can’t imagine why. Ain’t nothing back there.” He smiled. “Of course, there ain’t nothing up here, either, but there’s a lot more of it."

  “Don’t you understand what I’m saying to you?” said Diggs hotly. “He’s gone forever."

  “Big deal,” said Monk with a shrug. “Tojo go with him?"