The Best Rootin' Tootin' Shootin' Gunslinger in the Whole Damned Galaxy

by Mike Resnick

  Diggs threw his hands up in exasperation and muttered an obscenity.

  “Watch what you say to me, Rigger,” said Monk ominously. “There’s enough room in the Bozo cage for more than just me and Batman."

  “Go fuck yourself, you crazy bastard!” growled Diggs.

  Monk reached across the table and grabbed Diggs by the shirt. “Don’t you ever call me crazy again!” he bellowed.

  “You don’t scare me!” said Diggs defiantly. “You were nothing before Thaddeus found you and you’re gonna be nothing again now that he’s gone!"

  “Stop it!” commanded Mr. Ahasuerus, rising to his feet.

  “You keep out of this!” said Monk.

  The blue man reached out a long, lean hand and encompassed Monk’s fist in his own. His fingers turned almost white as he applied pressure, and finally Monk cursed and released his grip on Diggs.

  “I’ll remember this!” he snarled as he walked to the door.

  “I certainly hope so,” said Mr. Ahasuerus coldly.

  “And you!” he yelled at Jiminy. “Stop looking like my partner!"

  All eyes turned to Jiminy, who had let his identity slip away during the tension of the moment.

  “Well, I’ll be damned!” said Diggs, surprised.

  Suddenly the Jimorian was a Westerner again. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I was startled.” He turned to Mr. Ahasuerus. “Maybe we won’t do so badly after all," he said admiringly. Suddenly he became aware of the fact that everyone at the table was staring at him.

  “What is it?” he asked uncomfortably.

  “When you changed back there . . .” began Diggs.

  “Yes?"

  “Damned if you didn’t look just like Thaddeus!” concluded the gambler.

  “That’s what you looked like to me, too,” said Stogie, his expression troubled.

  Jiminy scratched his head. “That’s curious,” he remarked at last. “I guess we’re going to miss him more than I thought. How about you, Mr. Ahasuerus—what did I look like to you?"

  “You looked like Mr. Flint,” said the blue man calmly.

  “You too?” said Jiminy.

  Mr. Ahasuerus nodded his lean, bald head.

  “You don’t seem as surprised as the others,” remarked Jiminy at last.

  “Why should I be?"

  “Don’t you find it curious that I looked like Thaddeus?"

  The blue man twisted his thin lips into a bittersweet smile. “You always did,” he said softly.

  EPILOGUE: 2:08 A.M, August 17, 2009 A.D.

  The old man walked down the midway, his jacket slung over one shoulder in deference to the hot, humid Connecticut night. A warm breeze swept over him, tousling his thinning white hair, and he paused for a moment to wipe the sweat from his face with a shirtsleeve.

  The Ferris wheel had been shut down for the night, as had the strip show and most of the games. A few hardy customers were still at the Bozo cage, and a number of young men were walking around the tents, looking for a little action—but for the most part the carnival had closed up shop for another day.

  It would open again in ten hours, turning its painted, slightly seedy face toward the hundreds of spectators who would find, as they always did, that it promised far more than it ever delivered.

  The old man approached the specialty tent and nodded to the barker, a somewhat paunchy middle-aged man who was totaling up a pile of ticket stubs.

  “How’d we do tonight?” asked the old man.

  “Sold out all three shows,” said the barker. “This new sharpshooter sure draws them in better than the last guy.” He smiled. “I still don’t know if it’s because of his skill or his tight pants."

  “What difference does it make?"

  “None, I guess,” chuckled the barker. “You know, I think he only missed two shots all night. He’s about the best there is."

  “One of ’em."

  “You’ve seen better?"

  “Once,” said the old man with a nostalgic smile. “A long, long time ago." He reached up and mopped the sweat from his face again.

  “What’s that?” asked the barker suddenly.

  “What’s what?"

  “You’ve got something glittering inside your shirt."

  The old man reached between the buttons of his damp shirt and withdrew a small golden object that hung around his neck on a small chain. “Just a whistle,” he said. “A gift from a friend."

  “I never saw it before. Is it a good-luck charm?"

  “Something like that."

  “It looks like there’s some kind of inscription on it,” noted the barker.

  The old man tucked the whistle back inside his shirt. “Probably just says ‘Made in Japan,’” he replied. He took a deep breath and released it slowly. “Come on. I’ll buy you a beer."

  “I’ve just got to empty the telescope boxes, and then I’ll take you up on that. Care to come along?"

  “Might as well,” said the old man. “It can’t be any hotter walking than standing still."

  They walked down the midway to a small wooden platform that housed four inexpensive telescopes and a huge sign offering five minutes of stargazing for fifty cents. A young couple stood behind one of them, taking turns peering through its eyepiece. At last a sigh of disappointment indicated that their time had run out. “Hey, mister,” said the young man, holding out a dollar bill to the barker. “Can I get some quarters from you?"

  “I’m sorry,” answered the barker, “but we’re closing for the night."

  “Please!” begged the girl plaintively. “Just five more minutes!"

  The old man nodded, and the barker turned over four quarters. The young man promptly inserted two of them in the coin box and put the other two in his pocket, then stepped aside as the girl once again looked through the telescope.

  “It’s beautiful!” she said. “You don’t realize how many different colors there are when you just look up with your eyes."

  “See any little green men yet?” asked the young man.

  “No,” she said with a smile, stepping back. “You try."

  The young man placed his eyes to the telescope, while the young woman pulled a handkerchief out of her purse and gently patted her forehead and neck. “It’s fascinating, trying to imagine what we’ll find when we finally reach the stars."

  The old man smiled. “Oh, probably just a gambler and a couple of lion tamers, and maybe a beat-up old hootch dancer or two. "

  “No,” she said, wrinkling her nose in a manner that the old man would have found charming in his youth. “What do you really think we’ll find?"

  “Really?” The old man arched an eyebrow. “The same as you, I suppose."

  “And what’s that?” she asked, smiling.

  “Glittering cities inhabited by wise and ancient races who have conquered death and are waiting for us to join them in a galactic utopia."

  “How did you know?” she said, surprised.

  “Just a guess."

  Then it was her turn to look through the telescope again, and finally the lens clicked off and the couple walked away toward the parking lot.

  “Boy!” chuckled the barker, starting to unlock the coin boxes. “They get younger and dumber every year! That was a nice line of bullshit you handed her."

  The old man smiled back at him. “A carnival trades in bullshit."

  “You must have been a real killer-diller with the ladies when you were younger."

  “I had my moments."

  The barker looked at the stars for a moment and shook his head. “What do you suppose is really up there?"

  The old man glanced up at the sky, then sighed and gently touched the golden whistle with his fingertips.

  “Nothing much,” he said at last.

  —The End—

  CHRONOLOGY

  Chronology of the universe created in BIRTHRIGHT: THE BOOK OF MAN (through May 1, 2010), showing the year, the era, and the title:

  1885 A.D. "The Hunter" (IVORY)


  1898 A.D. "Himself" (IVORY)

  1982 A.D. SIDESHOW

  1983 A.D. THE THREE-LEGGED HOOTCH DANCER

  1985 A.D. THE WILD ALIEN TAMER

  1987 A.D. THE BEST ROOTIN' TOOTIN' SHOOTIN'

  GUNSLINGER IN THE WHOLE DAMNED GALAXY

  2057 A.D. "The Politician" (IVORY)

  2908 A.D. 1 G.E.

  16 G.E. Republic "The Curator" (IVORY)

  264 G.E. Republic "The Pioneers" (BIRTHRIGHT)

  332 G.E. Republic "The Cartographers" (BIRTHRIGHT)

  346 G.E. Republic WALPURGIS III

  367 G.E. Republic EROS ASCENDING

  396 G.E. Republic "The Miners" (BIRTHRIGHT)

  401 G.E. Republic EROS AT ZENITH

  442 G.E. Republic EROS DESCENDING

  465 G.E. Republic EROS AT NADIR

  522 G.E. Republic "All the Things You Are"

  588 G.E. Republic "The Psychologists" (BIRTHRIGHT)

  616 G.E. Republic A MIRACLE OF RARE DESIGN

  882 G.E. Republic "The Potentate" (IVORY)

  962 G.E. Republic "The Merchants" (BIRTHRIGHT)

  1150 G.E. Republic "Cobbling Together a Solution"

  1151 G.E. Republic "Nowhere in Particular"

  1152 G.E. Republic "The God Biz"

  1394 G.E. Republic "Keepsakes"

  1701 G.E. Republic "The Artist" (IVORY)

  1813 G.E. Republic "Dawn" (PARADISE)

  1826 G.E. Republic PURGATORY

  1859 G.E. Republic "Noon" (PARADISE)

  1888 G.E. Republic "Midafternoon" (PARADISE)

  1902 G.E. Republic "Dusk" (PARADISE)

  1921 G.E. Republic INFERNO

  1966 G.E. Republic STARSHIP: MUTINY

  1967 G.E. Republic STARSHIP: PIRATE

  1968 G.E. Republic STARSHIP: MERCENARY

  1969 G.E. Republic STARSHIP: REBEL

  1970 G.E. Republic STARSHIP: FLAGSHIP

  2122 G.E. Democracy "The 43 Antarean Dynasties"

  2154 G.E. Democracy "The Diplomats" (BIRTHRIGHT)

  2239 G.E. Democracy "Monuments of Flesh and Stone"

  2275 G.E. Democracy "The Olympians" (BIRTHRIGHT)

  2469 G.E. Democracy "The Barristers" (BIRTHRIGHT)

  2885 G.E. Democracy "Robots Don't Cry"

  2911 G.E. Democracy "The Medics" (BIRTHRIGHT)

  3004 G.E. Democracy "The Policitians" (BIRTHRIGHT)

  3042 G.E. Democracy "The Gambler" (IVORY)

  3286 G.E. Democracy SANTIAGO

  3322 G.E. Democracy A HUNGER IN THE SOUL

  3324 G.E. Democracy THE SOUL EATER

  3324 G.E. Democracy "Nicobar Lane: The Soul Eater's Story"

  3407 G.E. Democracy THE RETURN OF SANTIAGO

  3427 G.E. Democracy SOOTHSAYER

  3441 G.E. Democracy ORACLE

  3447 G.E. Democracy PROPHET

  3502 G.E. Democracy "Guardian Angel"

  3504 G.E. Democracy "A Locked-Planet Mystery"

  3504 G.E. Democracy "Honorable Enemies"

  3505 G.E. Democracy “If the Frame Fits…”

  3719 G.E. Democracy "Hunting the Snark"

  4375 G.E. Democracy "The Graverobber" (IVORY)

  4822 G.E. Oligarchy "The Administrators" (BIRTHRIGHT)

  4839 G.E. Oligarchy THE DARK LADY

  5101 G.E. Oligarchy THE WIDOWMAKER

  5103 G.E. Oligarchy THE WIDOWMAKER REBORN

  5106 G.E. Oligarchy THE WIDOWMAKER UNLEASHED

  5108 G.E. Oligarchy A GATHERING OF WIDOWMAKERS

  5461 G.E. Oligarchy "The Media" (BIRTHRIGHT)

  5492 G.E. Oligarchy "The Artists" (BIRTHRIGHT)

  5521 G.E. Oligarchy "The Warlord" (IVORY)

  5655 G.E. Oligarchy "The Biochemists" (BIRTHRIGHT)

  5912 G.E. Oligarchy "The Warlords" (BIRTHRIGHT)

  5993 G.E. Oligarchy "The Conspirators" (BIRTHRIGHT)

  6304 G.E. Monarchy IVORY

  6321 G.E. Monarchy "The Rulers" (BIRTHRIGHT)

  6400 G.E. Monarchy "The Symbiotics" (BIRTHRIGHT)

  6521 G.E. Monarchy "Catastrophe Baker and the Cold Equations

  6523 G.E. Monarchy THE OUTPOST

  6524 G.E. Monarchy “Catastrophe Baker and a Canticle for

  Leibowitz

  6599 G.E. Monarchy "The Philosophers" (BIRTHRIGHT)

  6746 G.E. Monarchy "The Architects" (BIRTHRIGHT)

  6962 G.E. Monarchy "The Collectors" (BIRTHRIGHT)

  7019 G.E. Monarchy "The Rebels" (BIRTHRIGHT)

  16201 G.E. Anarchy "The Archaeologists" (BIRTHRIGHT)

  16673 G.E. Anarchy "The Priests" (BIRTHRIGHT)

  16888 G.E. Anarchy "The Pacifists" (BIRTHRIGHT)

  17001 G.E. Anarchy "The Destroyers" (BIRTHRIGHT)

  21703 G.E. "Seven Views of Olduvai Gorge"

  Novels not set in this future:

  ADVENTURES (1922-1926 A.D.)

  EXPLOITS (1926-1931 A.D.)

  ENCOUNTERS (1931-1934 A.D.)

  HAZARDS (1934-1939 A.D.)

  STALKING THE UNICORN ("Tonight")

  STALKING THE VAMPIRE ("Tonight")

  STALKING THE DRAGON (“Tonight”)

  THE BRANCH (2047-2051 A.D.)

  SECOND CONTACT (2065 A.D.)

  BULLY! (1910-1912 A.D.)

  KIRINYAGA (2123-2137 A.D.)

  KILIMANJARO (2234-2241 A.D.)

  LADY WITH AN ALIEN (1490 A.D.)

  A CLUB IN MONTMARTRE (1890-1901 A.D.)

  DRAGON AMERICA: REVOLUTION (1779-1780 A.D.)

  THE WORLD BEHIND THE DOOR (1928 A.D.)

  THE OTHER TEDDY ROOSEVELTS (1888-1919 A.D.)

  THE BUNTLINE SPECIAL (1881 A.D.)