Bound by Her

by Danielle Fox

  “What do you think it’s like, Julian? I’m being watched twenty-four hours a day and don’t see another soul without the sodding guards by my side. And that Jim, well he’s a wanker, should be shot if you ask me.”

  “Who’s Jim?” To my surprise, my stomach knotted as I awaited her answer. Was someone hurting her?

  She looked at me thoughtfully, her narrow brows lowering into a frown. “Jim who?” she replied, shaking her head slowly as she shrugged her shoulders. Oh, never mind.

  “Why do you need the sodding guards?” I knew I shouldn’t have asked that question as soon as the words left my mouth, but it was too late now.

  “Why do you think? Look at what I did to you, my own son.” Her eyes lowered to her lap. “I’m so sorry, my beautiful boy, I never meant to hurt you.”

  Hurt me? I’m lucky she didn’t fucking kill me for Christ’s sake. I struggled to take her apology seriously; I couldn’t bring myself to believe that she was sorry, even when she started sobbing quietly.

  “Then why did you?” I whispered, my voice shaking - with what exactly I wasn’t sure. Was it fear, or was it sadness? I couldn’t tell.

  “I don’t know. I barely remember myself back then, Julian, but the image of your frightened eyes haunts me every single day. Please tell me you’ll forgive me, Julian, please.”

  Her frail hand reached forward and grasped pleadingly at my knee and I flinched. Her hand shot back to her lap in an instant.

  “Natalie said you wanted to apologise. You’ve done that now, so I’ll be off,” I stated bluntly as I stood, brushing a hand down the length of my thigh as if this was somehow going to erase her touch. I couldn’t bear it. All those years of hating her, and honestly not bothering whether she was dead or alive somehow seemed to be washing away from me, and that bothered me a lot. I wouldn’t let my barriers down, I wouldn’t let her in. I couldn’t, I knew all too well how much power she had to hurt me.

  I looked down at my mother as her shoulders shook with each silent sob and felt a stab of guilt. Could I really just walk out? I was sure she was bound to kill herself if I did. But I had done my bit, I had visited, and if this time she did succeed, I would never have to visit again.

  “Please don’t leave me here.” Her sobs grew louder as I neared the door where the two nurses still stood, staring straight ahead as if unaware of any commotion. My stomach twisted as her words sank in. ‘Please don’t leave me here’. Why the here, what was wrong with here? I turned back to her and, for the first time, saw the deep purple marks that wrapped heavily around her sagging neck. Her suicide attempt, I concluded. Looks like she was almost successful this time. Almost. I had to get out. My mother’s misery was affecting me more than I would ever have thought possible. I couldn’t open myself up for that level of pain ever again. I couldn’t go through that again. And I was sure it would only be a matter of time before she hurt me again.

  “Goodbye, Mum.”

  A nurse began to fumble with a set of keys on his waistband just as my mother let out a deafening high pitched shriek. “Julian, wait!” she wailed. “I wanted you to come so I could apologise, but I also need to warn you.”

  I paused and held my hand up to the nurse, instructing her to stop with the keys, but held my eyes on the door. I couldn’t look back to my mother. I wouldn’t be able to walk out of that door and never look back if I so much as glanced at her right now. From the sound of the terror in her voice, I knew exactly what I would see in her eyes. If I didn’t see it, I was confident I could ignore it. But, I wasn’t a complete bastard; I wouldn’t be able to turn away if I witnessed that pain.

  “Warn me about what?”

  “Please, sit down, Son, and I’ll tell you.”

  “Warn me about what?” I roared, my no doubt angry glare still fixed firmly on the door handle.

  “Your father!”

  I felt every muscle in my body clench painfully and I already knew what she was about to say. “What about him?” My strained voice was barely audible as I turned to her and saw the horror behind her tired eyes. Exactly what I hadn’t wanted to see.

  “He’s out,” she replied in a strangled whisper.

  Fuck! I knew this news would be coming soon but...just fuck! I cautiously sat back down, running my trembling fingers through my hair. “How do you know?”

  “Why do you think I did this?” she screeched, grasping at the collar of her blouse and yanking it lower to reveal her bruising.

  “Natalie said it was my fault.”

  “No! If it was your fault don’t you think I would have done it twelve years ago? He knows I’m here, Julian.”

  “How?”

  How could he possibly know she was here? She was supposed be safe here, her being here should have been absolutely confidential, so how could he know? Was that what she had meant when she begged me not to leave her here?

  “He phoned. Told me he knows where I am and he’ll do whatever it takes to find Isabella.”

  “Please tell me you haven’t told him about her.”

  “Of course I bloody haven’t! And I never would, she’s my daughter for Christ’s sake.”

  Listening to her speak so normally, it was hard to imagine that she was in fact crazy. And she loved us both like any sane parent loves their children, that much was clear to me now. I don’t know how I ever expected her to tell my father about Natalie, of course she wouldn’t. She loves her.

  “How the fuck did he find you?” I sneered through my tightly clenched jaw as I desperately tried to keep a hold on my anger.

  “I have no idea, but I’m scared, Julian. He’s coming here, he told me.” She clutched at my leg again, but this time I didn’t flinch. Instead, I put my hand over hers and squeezed gently but stopped abruptly as I felt her bones through her thinning skin. Christ, didn’t they feed her in here?

  “I won’t let him near you,” I heard myself promising and briefly wondered if those words had actually just come from my mouth. There I was, making promises that I had no idea I could keep. But I’d at least try. I had to. He destroyed her once before and I’d be damned if I was going to let him do it again.

  “I need my mother’s medication and a list of doses and times.” I stood and approached the male nurse.

  “I’m afraid that isn’t possible, sir.”

  “You’ll do as I tell you or I’ll have your pathetic arse fired.”

  “On what grounds, exactly?” He smirked, his tone cocky.

  “On the grounds that one of you bastards has let out information about who is most likely your most threatened patient. Do you have any fucking idea what that means?” I roared, my fists clenching at my sides. The pulsing in my ears had started already and I knew if this bastard smirked at me once more I was going to lose it. “And not to mention the fact that he called her. Here! Where she is supposed to be safe!”

  “Sir, with all due respect, what would you want with her meds?” The female nurse asked in a kind voice.

  “I’m taking her somewhere else. Now please, get me her meds and the list or I’ll take her without it.” That was a scenario I certainly did not want to play out.

  “You can’t take her, sir. She is a mentally ill patient and she needs twenty four hour supervision.”

  “She’ll get her supervision, just not here. I’m running out of patience now, are you getting the meds or are we leaving without them?”

  “I’ll get my supervisor. You can discuss it with him,” the far-too-sure-of-himself male announced whilst raising his brows at me. Was he smirking at me again? Was that a slight grin I could see playing across his thin lips? Before I could even answer my own questions my hand flew out and gripped his throat, my fingers crushing into what I knew were his pressure points as I rammed him hard against the solid door.

  “I don’t have time for a cosy chat with your supervisor, now get me the fucking meds before I break your bastard neck,” I snarled through gritted teeth.

  “I see you inherited some of my traits.” My mo
ther’s delighted voice startled me. “Careful, son, they’ll be locking you up in here soon.” She laughed a childish giggle before prancing around the room behind me, doing what exactly I didn’t know, I could feel her movement but I couldn’t see her. “That’s right, you get my meds you fucking ponce. That’s my son, that is, and he’s going to take care of me now.”

  The fucking hell I am. She would be in another secure ward before the evening was out; I just had to figure out which one.

  “I can’t get you the meds,” the male choked as he looked at me through desperate eyes.

  “I’ll get them,” the female spoke. “If we don’t get them he’ll leave without them, we have to think of what’s best for Gloria.”

  The female nurse left the room to collect my mother’s medication, I assumed, and I called Natalie instructing her to meet me, with Ryan, at the nearest service station. Surely I could control her in the car for a while by myself. I made a mental note to hide any sharp objects, or any objects at all for that matter. Keep her sweet, I told myself, she’ll be fine.

  “Hi, Doctor Morgan. I need a little help with an urgent matter,” I began whilst placing my mother’s personal belongings into a large bag.

  After little persuasion with a large sum of money Dr Morgan assured me he would find the very best of private care homes, preferably close to my home in Mayfair, and would be in touch within the hour with the name and address. Thank God. My mother agreed to swallow her medication as soon as the female nurse returned. I had half expected her to return with an army of guards, but she didn’t.

  “See ya, ponce.” My mother pinched at the male’s cheek as we passed him in the doorway and I couldn’t help but grin at the expression on his face. Dick.

  As soon as we got to the main exit I clasped a firm hand around my mother’s arm, just in case she tried to flee or something, although why would she?

  “Are we going to the park?”

  “No, Mum, were going to take you someplace nice where they’ll take good care of you,” I said, guiding my mother through the small car park.

  “You mean another prison?”

  “It’s not a prison, it’s a hospital.”

  “But I’m not hurt, I don’t need a hospital, darling.”

  “Mum, you need someone who can take care of you, somewhere you’ll be safe.”

  “I’m safe with you, aren’t I?” I looked down into her eyes as she peered up at me and saw nothing but confusion and pain. “Or aren’t I?” she snapped, yanking her arm away from my grasp.

  “Of course you are, why do you think I’m taking you away from here? Get in the car.”

  “But you won’t let me stay with you?”

  “Mother, if I could then I would, but you need proper care, you must understand that,” I soothed, feeling anxious all of a sudden as I realised she seemed dangerously close to snapping. And if she snapped now I had no chance of getting her to the next hospital, no chance whatsoever.

  “Come on, Mum. We’re going to meet Natalie.”

  “Natalie? You mean Isabella?” Her face brightened as her tensed jaw relaxed. Isabella, of course, was Natalie’s birth name, I hadn’t even noticed until now that my mother still addressed her as Isabella. She was Natalie now; she had been for a very long time. And, for some reason, I couldn’t even bring myself to call her Isabella anymore.

  “Yes, let’s go.” I opened the car door and held onto her hand to assist her as she climbed in. She really was dangerously thin. Her long flowing skirt swamped her tiny frame and I caught a glimpse of her bony ankles as she adjusted into her seat. God, what had they been doing to her? How could I have left her there for all these years without even giving her a second thought? Did they not even own a pissing hairbrush? If they did, they certainly didn’t use it on her.

  Natalie and Ryan were already waiting as I pulled into the dimly lit car park of the service station. Natalie rushed to my window before I even had the chance to stop the car. “What the hell is going on? Why do I need to be here?” she yelled. Of course, I had told her she needed to meet me and stressed the fact that she must bring Ryan, but I hadn’t told her why.

  “We’ve got a bit of a problem.” I winced slightly as I waited for her to notice the problem and realised I was holding my breath as my lungs craved release.

  “Is it mum? Oh God, what’s happened?”

  “Hello, Isabella,” my mother’s gentle voice trilled from beside me as she leaned forwards into Natalie’s direct line of sight.

  Natalie sucked in a sharp breath. “Julian, what the fuck is going on?”

  “I’ll explain later, right now we need to get Mum somewhere safe.”

  “She was safe! Why the hell have you taken her out? You have no idea what you’re doing,” she shrieked, tears pooling in her widened eyes.

  “Natalie, Dad’s out. He called her.”

  Her eyes widened even further as she gawped at me in sheer shock, terror written all over her face as her bottom lip trembled.

  “Hey, he won’t come near you, Natalie, I promise you that.”

  Dr Morgan phoned back within five minutes of us being in the car park and gave me the address of a secure care home about ten minutes drive from home. He had called ahead and informed them of our arrival and I was assured her safety would be paramount.

  Natalie chatted to Mum to keep her entertained while I drove and Ryan followed behind, just in case. Ryan had made some calls on my behalf and arranged for my security to be on site of my mother’s new ward at all times which made me feel slightly better. I trusted my security team with my own life, I knew they were the absolute best that money could buy, but more than that, they were my friends. They respected me and they wanted to help me, and not just for the hefty sum of money they got at the end of it.

  Fuck, Emily! I had completely forgotten to call her. She was expecting me over an hour ago. “Natalie, can you dial Emily and put it on speaker?”

  Natalie reached forward and placed her phone on the cradle beside me and I startled as Emily’s voice bellowed out from the car speakers. “Hello.”

  “Natalie, put your bloody seat belt on,” I ordered.

  “What?” Emily’s voice sounded loudly, and this time my mother nearly leapt out of her seat. Shit, how do I turn this thing down?

  “Who’s saying that? Who’s there?" my mother called, her hands grasping at the door as if trying to escape. Shit, she was trying to escape.

  “Mum, no! It’s okay!” I shouted whilst fumbling with the volume on the stereo hoping that it would adjust the phone volume. “Natalie, sort her out.”

  “Julian? What’s going on?” Emily’s voice sounded once more sending my mother to the verge of a breakdown. I watched as her fingers grasped at the arm rest on the door and just prayed that she wouldn’t find the handle before I had found a safe place to pull over.

  “Emily, sorry, just don’t speak for a second. Don’t say a word. It’s okay, I’m turning it down.”

  “What? Why? What’s wrong?”

  Goddammit! As Emily’s voice echoed out my mother let out a shrieking wail, her eyes revealing her sheer panic as she grasped at the handle and the door flew open.

  “Mum, no!” I heard Natalie cry as my hand shot out to secure my mother to her seat. I pulled the car to a stop at the side of the road, ignoring the horns from the surrounding vehicles, and Natalie leapt out and raced around to the passenger seat where my mother was trembling and sobbing hysterically as she raked her fingers through her hair.

  “You fucking idiot!” Natalie screeched as her glare burned into my face.

  “Julian?”

  Shit, Emily. I grabbed the phone off the cradle and clicked the speaker off. “Emily, sorry about that.”

  “Julian, what the hell? Are you okay?” Emily sounded frantic; her voice was laced with panic.

  “I’m fine, sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you. We’ve had a bit of a problem with my mother.”

  “Oh God, she didn’t hurt you did she? I’m
so sorry,” she gushed.

  “No, nothing like that. I’m taking her to another hospital, I’ll explain later but I won’t be back for some time so don’t wait up.”

  “Okay. Is everything alright?”

  “It will be.”

  “Well it sounds like you have your hands full so I’ll let you go. I love you.”

  “And I love you. Sweet dreams, baby,” I almost whispered as the realisation that I was going to have to spend the entire night without Emily hurt more than I thought possible. “Oh, and Emily,” I quickly gushed before she hung up.

  “Yes?”

  “Kiss Maia goodnight for me.”

  Chapter Twelve

  It was past ten by the time I managed to stop my mother fighting with every nurse in sight and get her settled safely into the protection of her room. The care staff had all been very welcoming and it seemed, in the short while I was there, that they couldn’t have done enough for us which was a relief. The first thing I had requested was a hairbrush and I actually hadn’t minded the contact as I pulled it gently through her tangles.

  “Thank you, Julian,” she had whispered in a frail voice that was broken by her tears.

  And that was the moment I realised how much I loved this woman and what a bastard I had been for the past twelve years. I always knew in my heart that it would only take a single visit for me to be back under her grasp again, that was precisely why I had refused to see her for so long. If I didn’t see her, it was easy for me pretend that she didn’t exist. I could tell myself that I hated her. All I had to do was remember the hatred behind her menacing eyes that day when she attacked me, and I wouldn’t even have to pretend. My hate for her would surge through me as if it had happened just yesterday. That’s how I had managed to ignore her existence for the last twelve years. I must have played that same scene out in my head over a thousand times to keep me from going to her. If she was in my life, it was far too easy for her to hurt me. For her to completely and utterly destroy me, the same way she had the last time I saw her. And it scared the goddamn life out of me. I was fuming with myself for giving in to her so easily, for putting myself on the frontline for her impending torture. But, it was too late now. There was no turning back. I had seen her. I had seen her looking far worse than I could ever have imagined and my heart had screamed at me to help her. Now, she was in. And I wouldn’t shut her out again. I don’t think I could if I tried.