Among the Stars

by Renee Porter

  “Do you mind me asking why you don’t want to do the tour?” The kettle screamed and I picked it up, pouring two generous helpings into the mugs on the counter. While stirring in the hot chocolate, Taylor answered.

  “It’s a lot of work. And it’s exhausting. Every day is a new city in a new state. Sometimes I’ll wake up and I won’t remember where I am.” Taylor shook her head as I placed the cocoa down in front of her. I looked at her and motioned toward the living room. She nodded, stood, and followed me toward the couch. “Thanks for this, and sorry for just showing up. I know it may not seem like it but I don’t have that many people I can talk to.”

  I wanted to ask what she meant by that but I figured that I didn’t know her well enough to dive into her personal life. “It’s okay. I’m glad you’re here. And at least you’re talking to me. If we were back in high school you’d just be sitting there, glaring me down.” I mocked Taylor’s high school stare and she laughed at my humor. It was good to hear the levity fill the air that had just been filled with tension.

  “Once I knocked you down a pedestal, I found you were quite easy to speak with.” She took a sip of her cocoa and moaned once it hit her lips. The sound sent a shiver down my spine and I straightened up.

  “Back to the tour thing. Why can’t you just tell him you’d rather be doing stage work and leave it at that? Doesn’t he have to do what you want?”

  “If it’s my final say, then yes, he does.” Taylor looked at me and then back down at her cocoa. I don’t have that many people to talk to. The words kept running through my mind. All Taylor really needed was a friend. She probably had many people that would sit and hear her words but not without giving their own advice. Maybe she just needed someone who would listen. Is that what she saw in me? Someone who could listen to her without judgement?

  “Are you afraid of what he said?” Taylor looked up at me, casting her brows down. “Are you afraid if you go back to productions that you’ll disappear?” Her lips curved upwards and fidgeted. Bingo.

  “In a way, I guess. But being back on stage means that I’ll actually have a home.”

  “In California?”

  “Possibly. Or New York. It just depends on who would take me.”

  “What do you mean ‘take you’? You’re the best at what you do. I bet that if you showed up they would hire you on the spot.”

  Taylor laughed at my eagerness and nodded her head. “Two compliments in a row. You’re getting better at this, Jen.” The way she said my name made my insides want to burst. How was it that she could do that to me after all of these years? Hadn’t I gotten over Taylor the summer after high school? Hadn’t I found myself without her? Hadn’t I been happy without her? If that was fact, it was becoming more difficult for me to remember.

  “I’m sorry.” I smiled with the words. “I’ve always said things I didn’t mean around you.” My cheeks burned at the truth. Why had I said that? I shouldn’t have said that.

  “It’s okay. You’re always a little prickly at first, but then you warm up.” I was going to defend myself but Taylor’s smile let me know she was teasing. “But you’ve changed a little, too. You’re more…” Taylor looked at me, trying to find the words. “You’re more…in tune.”

  “In tune?”

  “Yes. You’re more in tune with yourself. The way you walk and present yourself, like you know who you are now.” She agreed with herself silently and took another sip of her drink.

  “It only took me five years…” I muttered under my breath. Taylor laughed and shook her head.

  “It takes some people longer.”

  “It didn’t take you any time. Overachiever.” I smiled as Taylor rolled her eyes. We had gotten into dangerous territory, bringing up the past and present.

  “I had no idea who I was in high school. I just acted that way. I am my mothers’ daughter.” She shrugged her shoulder as I let out a scoff.

  “You knew exactly who you were, and you weren’t afraid to show it. To some people at least.” I was reminded with how hard it was for Taylor to tell her parents she was bisexual. And how I had outed her on accident. It wasn’t a good feeling, even now.

  “I thought I knew, and then things changed.”

  “How so?” Taylor took the last sip of her cocoa and I grabbed her mug without her asking to make her more. From the kitchen, I could hear her answer my question.

  “Things were different when I went out into the real world. Suddenly, I had people telling me what I should wear, how I should act, who I should date. It’s hard to understand who you are when other people are telling you who you should be.” I returned with a full mug and handed it to Taylor.

  “What do you mean? You really weren’t with any of those guys?” Taylor lifted an eyebrow at me. “Don’t give me that look. You’re literally plastered everywhere I cast my eyes. I know more about your relationships from the grocery checkout line than I actually know about engineering.” Taylor shook her head with a smile.

  “To answer your question, most were not real.”

  “But some were?” I had to be thorough, that’s why I asked. Yep, the only reason.

  “Some.” Taylor sighed. “One, actually. It’s difficult to date when your every move is being watched. People don’t want their privacy infringed on.”

  I wondered which relationship it was. A barrage of handsome faces ran through my mind and Taylor stared at me as I contemplated which man Taylor had actually chosen for herself.

  “She wasn’t in the media. She wasn’t out yet so we hid it for a while. It became too convoluted though, so we part ways.”

  “Oh.” It was all I could say to answer her. “So, all those guys…”

  Taylor rolled her eyes. “My manager, again. He has no problem with me being interested in men and women, but he felt like men would be better for my image.”

  “Typical,” I responded. “So, what if you found a woman that wouldn’t mind being out and publicized. Would that put a wrench in your manager’s plans?” I was growing frustrated with this guy. It was obvious that he was only out to benefit himself. It didn’t matter if Taylor had a woman on her arm, she would be just as talented as she would be with a piece of man-candy hanging off that same arm.

  “He would probably tell me to ditch her and then try to set me up with some up and coming actor.” She shrugged her shoulder again.

  “And you’d allow it?”

  “If I was interested in her and I felt like there was a possible future, then I wouldn’t allow it.” I breathed a sigh of relief. “Why? Do you know someone who might be interested?” Taylor gave me that cocked eyebrow again and shook my head vigorously.

  “No. I only know socially awkward engineers who barely know how to talk to robots, let alone beautiful women.”

  “Three for three, Jen.” Taylor leaned over and clinked my mug with hers. She was closer to me now, close enough for me to smell the chocolate on her breath.

  “What about Kristie?” I swallowed, loudly, and Taylor smiled, laying back down on her side of the couch.

  “Oh, she’s very straight.” I gave Taylor a crooked grin. “But she did say she would switch teams for you. If you want a date, I bet she’d go for it.”

  “So, you’re not dating then?”

  I shook my head and let out a deep breath. “I didn’t mean to lie to you about that. It’s sort of our go-to thing when she knows I’m uncomfortable.”

  “How is that a thing, Jen?” The words weren’t harsh, only curious.

  “It all started with my parents…”

  Before I knew it I was telling Taylor everything. How my mother was worried about me not dating during college. How she thought I would end up alone and as socially awkward as many of my classmates were. How she had told me that Kristie was good for me and how the whole lie got out of hand. Taylor sat and listened, not giving advice, not even muttering one sound until I had finished explaining to her why Kristie had told even her, that we were dating.

  “She f
reaked out about outing me to you and then tried to do damage control in the end. It was weird, and I really didn’t think you’d go along with it.” Finally Taylor made a humming noise and tilted her head back and forth.

  “She was acting a little strange. But she is beautiful, smart and funny so I could see you going for someone like her.”

  “There is no way in hell I could get a woman like Kristie. Even if she was gay.” I finished off my own cocoa and placed the mug on the table.

  “And why would you think that?” Taylor asked genuinely. I laughed at that question. Wasn’t it obvious?

  “You just answered that question yourself. Kristie is beautiful, smart and funny. She’s overly caring and an all-around amazing individual.” My face flushed at Taylor’s incredulous stare but not replying to anything I just said. Filling the silence with my foot, I continued. “I mean, if Kristie was gay, I could see her with you not me.”

  “With me?” Taylor looked utterly confused. Why was this such hard thing to understand? Was I not explaining it right?

  “Yes. Look at the people you’re around every day.”

  “You’re joking, right?” Taylor leaned forward which made me lean back an inch.

  “No?” I squeaked out. Taylor shook her head in disbelief.

  “So, by your logic, only beautiful people end up with beautiful people? Is that right?” It wasn’t exactly true but I nodded anyway. I really just meant that people like Taylor and Kristie were out of my league. It was like apples and oranges and I was a banana. “Then you won’t have a problem finding someone equally as beautiful as Kristie.” Taylor placed her now empty mug on my coffee table while I sat there catching flies with my mouth open. “And just to let you know, beautiful people don’t always end up with beautiful people. Don’t you think it’s what’s inside that counts?”

  I was still a little flabbergasted that Taylor was alluding to. She thought I was beautiful? How was that even possible when she worked with models. Literally models. “Of course the inside counts.” I managed to agree with her. “All I’m saying is that you two are very different from me.”

  I heard Taylor release a frustrated breath. “Why? Because you’re a rocket scientist?” Taylor goaded a little too harshly. I winced at her words.

  “I’m not technically…” I shook my head. “That’s not what I’m trying to get at.”

  “Why is it so hard to believe that someone like Kristie can be attracted to you.”

  “Because, look at her, Taylor! She can have anyone she wants!” My voice was raised as if this would drill my point harder into Taylor’s head.

  “And why wouldn’t it be you?”

  “Because!”

  “That’s not an answer. It’s a cop out.”

  Taylor stood, straightening her shirt. “Kristie would be lucky to have you. You know that? You’re gorgeous, Jen. And I’m not just talking about you physically, although you have some more learning to do about yourself. She grabbed her mug and stalked off to the kitchen. I heard the water running as I tried to catch up to the conversation. Were we really talking about Kristie?

  “Kristie is straight.” I stood up and met Taylor as she was grabbing her purse. “You’re leaving?” My voice had finally returned to a normal volume as Taylor unlocked the door.

  “I have a long day tomorrow,” Taylor said absent mindedly.

  “Look, I’m sorry if I said something wrong…”

  “You didn’t.” Taylor sighed, her eyes casted down. “I just thought you were different.” Taylor opened the door and took one step out. I grabbed her shoulder gently, not allowing her to leave.

  “Don’t say that. Not again.”

  She turned toward me, her face full of confusion. “Again?”

  “Back in high school. You said that to me once, and it made me so confused. I still don’t even know what you meant.”

  Taylor shook her head, her top row of teeth gently biting her bottom lip. I groaned internally at the gesture. “It’s what I meant earlier about knocking you down a pedestal. You were so high up there in my head I had a problem talking to you. But when I heard you make fun of me, I realized you were only a person. That’s why I was able to start talking to you, Jen.” She turned from me and I released my hold. But before she left she parted with, “and I’m just a person, too. I’m not higher or lower than anyone. Except maybe you. If you want to put yourself in a league, Jen, at least be honest about it and place yourself above everyone else.”

  I watched Taylor walk away with so many words willing their way out of my mouth. For the life of me though, all I could do was watch her walk away.

  What had just happened? And why did it feel so finite?

  Chapter 24

  Christmas Eve bled into Christmas day and Christmas day bled into New Year’s Eve. I hadn’t heard from Taylor and I wasn’t surprised. I also wasn’t sure if we had fought or if it had been just a very intense discussion.

  But the fact that she hadn’t called or messaged me answered that question quite clearly.

  I tried to fill my mind with something other than my blowout with Taylor. Like I had said before, I hated confrontation and because of that, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. So, in between going over our ‘discussion’ in my head, I readied myself for my first day of work in a week. After I had done everything on my checklist, I tried to fill my time with family and friends.

  Kristie had of coursed asked about details from my ‘date’ but I left it at what it was. I didn’t tell her about anything that really occurred, only that Taylor had come over to talk about her day and left soon after. Nothing to gain, nothing to lose. That’s what I always said.

  “So, I’m trying to decide on if I should wear this one, or this one.” Kristie placed a black dress over her torso and then switched it with a dark blue dress. I looked up from my phone and considered her for a moment. She really was beautiful.

  “Either will work.” I looked back down at my phone and frowned. Taylor had been photographed at some show’s opening and people were talking about the new guy on her arm. He was an up and coming male action star. I ‘humphed’ audibly.

  “What are you looking at that needs all of your attention.” I hid my phone on my chest as Kristie came up behind me.

  “Nothing.” I looked up at her with my most innocent smile. “Actually, I think the black one will look great tonight. What time do we have to be there?” I stood and felt a hand grab my shoulder and sit me back down.

  “Let me see your phone.”

  “No.” I tried to squirm away from Kristie’s prying hands but it was to no avail. She was much taller, and surprisingly much stronger than me. As she took my phone I tried to think of something to say but her face already said it all.

  “Why are you looking her up? I thought you said nothing happened.” Kristie started to flip through the pictures and then handed me back my phone.

  “I just wanted to see what she was up to.”

  “You’re lying to me, Jen.” Kristie placed the dresses down on the back of the couch and stood next to me, her hands held at her hips. “What happened?”

  I moaned, not wanting to divulge any information but knowing I needed to talk to someone about it. I even tried to tell Dana but the words just wouldn’t come out. Why did I have a problem trusting everyone? Why couldn’t I just talk and get advice? Why did I have to hold everything in?

  “I’m not happy,” I said finally. It was a feeling that I had been having since the conversation with Taylor. I wasn’t happy at all and that hole that Bryce spoke about felt like it was getting larger . I almost felt like it would eat away at everything inside. It was like a black hole, swirling around in my chest where nothing could escape.

  “Okay…” Kristie let her hands off her hips and allowed them to hang at her side. “Is it because your parents and sister left? It wouldn’t be hard to visit them you know? Even if it was for a weekend?”

  I shook my head. I did miss my parents and sister but it wasn’t w
hat was causing this ache inside.

  “Do you want to maybe give me a hint why you’re unhappy? Maybe we could play twenty questions or something?” Kristie tried for a smile but I wouldn’t give in. Did she always do this with me? Was I too hard headed to see that I couldn’t even tell something important to my best friend? Did she have to play games just to get me to talk?

  “Kristie…” I closed my eyes and shook my head. I was close to losing it and I couldn’t stop the stinging of tears.

  “Hey, Jen? Are you crying?” I held up my head as I wiped my eyes. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” I felt strong arms encircling me and my composure melted away. “Would you date me?”

  I felt Kristie’s body shake with a chuckle. She placed me at arm’s length, finally catching my eyes. “What happened, Jen?”

  “Can you just answer the question with a ‘no’ and put my mind at ease?”

  “If I was a lesbian and single, I would date you. But only if you liked me like that.” Then she hesitated. “You don’t like me like that, do you?” Her voice was full of concern and something bubbled deep in my chest. My tears turned into tears of laughter as I tried to control myself. Kristie laughed along with me, although, hers was still hesitant. I heard her phone beep in her pocket and she checked it quickly before putting it back.

  “I don’t, no. Not like that,” I managed to say through gasps of air. Kristie released a breath and smiled.

  “Okay then, we’re staying in tonight, and you’re telling us everything.”

  “No, please. We can go out. It’s New Year’s Eve…wait. What do you mean by us?” My heartrate plummeted. I hope she wasn’t talking about Taylor. “Please don’t tell me you invited Taylor.” I managed to say through a strangled throat.

  I watched Kristie walk to the door and unlock it. “See? I told you there was something that happened. And I didn’t invite Taylor.” Kristie winked at me as she opened the door. And suddenly those tears of laughter were back but now, they were tears of gratitude.