Among the Stars

by Renee Porter

  “Surprise!” Dana held up her arms as her beaming smile hit me dead in my chest. “I mean, I know it’s not that great of a surprise but…” I didn’t allow Dana to continue as I took hold of her. “Jen? Are you crying?” I nodded as I held onto Dana for dear life. Behind me Kristie explained.

  “We’re staying in tonight. And Jen is going to explain…everything.”

  Chapter 25

  The warmth of the liquor was taking hold of my body. The tears had finally subsided and I giggled at my friends’ faces. They stared at me in shock. I wish I could have taken a picture of this moment. It truly was priceless.

  “Let me get this straight…” Dana started.

  “Please ask a question that would explain why she is here right now and not at Taylor’s,” Kristie finished. I watched as Dana kicked Kristie’s sock clad foot with her own.

  “She would be a ticking time bomb with Taylor right now.”

  “It’s obvious what’s happening! Taylor has been trying to get with her since high school!”

  My head bobbed back and forth between the two. I knew they were talking about me but the buzz in my head felt too good to really care.

  “Jen wasn’t ready then, Kristie.”

  “She’s an adult now. She has experience under her belt.”

  “Jen will always be a kid around Taylor. She’s still in love with her.”

  Whoosh. Those words got me out of my funk. “I don’t love her. I hardly know her. You can’t fall in love with someone in three weeks.” My voice was slightly slurred but I didn’t really care.

  “Okay, Jen. Tell us one more time why you’re unhappy?” Dana asked carefully, enunciating every word.

  “Because…” I waved my hand and let out a deep breath, “I miss Taylor. I want to kiss her and have her babies. But that doesn’t mean I’m,” one hiccup, “in love with her.” Two hiccups. I heard Kristie moan. “I think I screwed up.” I furrowed my brows in confusion at my own words. “This whole time I think Taylor was using Kristie as a eupher…eufum…” I breathed in a deep breath, “euphemism!” I clapped my hands once at the use of my big word.

  “Ya think?” Kristie said in response. Again, Dana gave her a foot nudge, but this time it was a little harder.

  “Jen, have you called or messaged Taylor at all?” I shook my head ‘no’ confirming Dana’s suspicion. My eyes opened wide.

  “Should I call her now? And apologize? Should I ask her if she’ll have my babies?” I pulled out my phone and it automatically opened with my thumbprint. It took a moment for me to find the message icon and then, all of a sudden, the phone was gone. Poof! Thin air, just like that!

  “Nope. Not happening.” Kristie dangled the phone over my head and my face fell.

  “But I can talk to her now,” I tried to argue. It was true. I could totally say everything I needed to Taylor without a second guess.

  “Because you’re drunk.” Dana said. I peered at her through one eye.

  “I’m not drunk. I’m buzzed. Really, really buzzed.” I opened my other eye because I was feeling a little dizzy.

  “Drink this.” A cup was placed in my hand and I sipped at it. Cool water coated my throat. I hadn’t realized how thirsty I was.

  “Thanks, Kristie.” I wiped my mouth and placed the now empty cup on my coffee table. “So, what’s the plan?” Dana and Kristie looked at each other and then back to me. “Come on guys! The plan? How do I win Taylor’s heart?”

  Dana chuckled and shook her head. “How many rom-coms has she been watching?”

  “A lot. I should’ve known something was up. Usually she just watches ‘The Universe’ reruns.”

  “Hello? I’m right here!” I held my hand up so the girls could see me.

  “We know, sweetie.” Dana pursed her lips together and nodded one final nod. “I know how you’re going to make it up to Taylor. You’re going to call her,” my smile widened, “when you’re sober,” my lips turned downward, “and you’re going to apologize and tell the girl you have feelings for her.”

  I sat back heavily on my chair. “That’s a stupid plan.”

  “Excuse me?” Dana asked. I waved at her, as if I was waving away a stink in the air.

  “I need to do something to win her heart so she’ll like me. I want her to like me.” I smacked my hand on my head. “I should have gone out with her in high school. Then we’d be together and never be apart.”

  “Jen…” Kristie stood up to comfort me but I held my hand up, silently asking her to stay. “I just wasn’t ready, but I’m ready now. And I blew it. I blew it in only two weeks.”

  “Three,” Kristie said which deserved a smack from Dana.

  “You didn’t blow it. You just look at her as above you, Jen. You shouldn’t see her like that. She’s just another person.”

  “Yeah, I know,” I said in a small voice. “I know that’s true but I can’t wrap my mind around it. I don’t care that she’s super famous, and hot, and talented, and really, really, hot.” I shook my head. “I never really even believed that she was interested in me before. How can I do that now?”

  “Well, you should believe it. Because she is.” It was something that Kristie would say but instead, those words came from Dana. I stared at her, daring to explain how she would even know.

  “That woman has had a thing for you for years. You knew it then and you weren’t ready so she backed off. When she saw you again a few weeks ago she wanted to give it another try. She likes you, Jen. She likes everything about you. She even thinks it’s funny when you insult her.”

  “Hey, I don’t mean to!”

  “I know…” Dana ran her hands through her hair. “I talk to Taylor. Often. We’re friends. We hang out when she is in town to see her parents. She’s always asking about you. And when she saw you again, the first person she called was me. When she found out you were seeing someone, the first person she called was me. And let me tell you, she was relieved when you two weren’t really dating.” Dana looked between me and Kristie. “Which is a whole other story for another time. I mean, really? How did you come up with that one?”

  “I should probably tell my mom we aren’t really dating,” I said to Kristie as a side note. Kristie nodded and Dana sat there shaking her head.

  “Yeah, you should. But that’s not the point of this. You’re calling her tomorrow. She’s at her grandmother’s tonight and staying through New Year’s Day so you know she won’t be busy. You’re going to tell her you’re sorry and that you freaked out because you have feelings for her. You’re going to ask her out on a date and you’re going to see where things go from there? Got it?”

  I nodded my head vigorously at Dana’s stern tone. Even Kristie was nodding her head.

  And right after that, I puked.

  +++

  It took about two hours for the dizziness and the feeling of nausea to subside and for my friends to call it a night and leave me to my own devices. I still felt a little buzzed but not nearly as bad as before. “I’m never drinking again,” I groaned in the shower. The hot water washed over me as I tried to piece together the plan again. Call Taylor tomorrow. Tell her that I have feelings for her. Ask her out on a date. I could do those things. Really, I could. I was only having trouble with the first part.

  I shouldn’t call Taylor. I should go see her. To at least apologize for being a total ass. And I knew where she was staying so I could just show up. That way, she’d have to listen to me.

  And I shouldn’t do it tomorrow. I should do it tonight.

  I looked at the clock. It hadn’t even struck midnight yet so there was a possibility she was still up. Not like my two friends who I could hear snoring in the other rooms. How did I get the crap end of the deal and end up on the couch?

  I towel dried my hair, brushed my teeth, and donned a hoodie and some lounging pants. I probably looked like a mess but I was on a mission to get this settled once and for all. And the best part was, my buzz was now totally gone. Well, maybe it wasn’t the best p
art, but at least I’ll remember it when she rejects me.

  I shook my head, trying to get those thoughts out of it. Show up at Taylor’s grandma’s house. Tell her your sorry and that you freaked out because you have feelings for her. Ask her out on a date. See where things go from there.

  One nod of the head, a call to Uber because there was no way I was driving with alcohol still in my system, and away I go. Now, just open the door Jen, one step at a time.

  Chapter 26

  Forty-Five minutes, a note left on the kitchen counter, and fifty dollars later I was standing in front of Taylor’s grandmother’s house, with my hand poised to knock.

  I had gotten this far, but for some reason my fist wouldn’t connect with the door.

  I heard commotion inside which meant that her grandmother was having a party. It was a half hour to midnight which meant that Taylor would probably still be up, waiting to kiss some up and coming actor. That got me in motion.

  I knocked loudly and heard footsteps coming closer. I breathed in hoping it wasn’t Taylor. And then, when the door opened, and the woman’s face came into view, I was now wishing it was.

  “Jenny, hi! This is a surprise.” Madeline Fields ushered me in, giving my shoulders a squeeze. “Are you here to see Taylor?” I nodded, words not able to form. I was afraid I would divulge that I wanted to have her daughter’s babies. That’s not a great impression for a future daughter-in-law. Oh god, not now brain.

  “Sorry, I’m not really dressed for a party.” I managed to say. Madeline chuckled as she ushered me not toward the party but to the stairs.

  “It’s okay. Taylor already went up for the night. Last room on your right.” She pointed up the stairs and pushed my lower back to get me moving. “And it’s a good thing you’re wearing your sweater. It’s cold tonight.” I just nodded at Madeline’s confusing statement and took it one step at a time, making sure to give a small ‘thanks’ in return.

  The sound of the party became more muffled the further I walked down the hallway. The end room’s door was ajar and a silvery light illuminated the darkness. I peeked my head in, waiting to see Taylor’s sleeping form but the bed was still made, although the comforter was slightly rustled.

  “Taylor?” I whispered into the dim room. I didn’t hear a response as I walked fully inside the room. Madeline had been right. The room was chilly, the light breeze coming in from the opened window. I walked toward it, peering outside cautiously. I knew that there was another house across the way, and I didn’t want anyone thinking I was a peeping tom. Or Harriet. Or however you call it when it’s a woman.

  When I reached the window, and ducked my head to see out, my breath caught in my throat. Taylor was sitting on the far branch, close to the other house’s open window. Her feet dangled down half hazardously and her hair messed with the wind. She sat comfortably against a part of the trunk, reading a worn-out book.

  “Aren’t you afraid you’ll fall?”

  Taylor startled and the book flew from her hand. I winced as I heard it hit a branch and then thump on the ground.

  “Holy shit, Jen. You scared me!” Taylor held a hand over her heart, willing it to slow down. I knew the feeling very well.

  “Sorry. I didn’t mean to frighten you.” I looked at the branch close to the window and then to the ground. “Long way down, huh?”

  Taylor looked down and then back up at me. “It wouldn’t hurt too bad.”

  “Falling hurts, Taylor.” I said. The moonlight glimmered and Taylor’s eyes shone with a response. But she didn’t elaborate on my obvious euphemism.

  “Did you come all this way to play fire fighter and save the damsel in distress?”

  I shook my head as I peered out across the branch. It looked sturdy enough but there was only one way to truly know. I climbed up onto the window sill and took a step onto a branch.

  “What are you doing?” Taylor asked with worry.

  “I want to talk to you,” I replied. I wobbled slightly for comedic purposes and Taylor stretched out a hand. She was too far to catch me if I fell so I moved a little closer. I found a perfect spot with only the large trunk separating us.

  “You’re crazy,” Taylor said with a shake of her head.

  “I know.” I smiled at her. “So, you’re breaking and entering now?” I motioned over to the next-door neighbor’s opened window. The hall light illuminated the room which casted Taylor in shadow.

  “It’s not breaking and entering if you own it.” I knew she was smiling by the tone of her voice. “Well, my mom owns it, but you get the idea.”

  “Your parents were next door neighbors?”

  “Yes. They met in high school and before my mom left for New York, she climbed these branches to tell my other mother she loved her.”

  I smiled at the fairy tale like story. “And the rest was history?”

  Taylor chuckled. “No. Mom didn’t want her to stay. It took them ten years to find each other again.”

  My eyes widened with the amount of time she said. “But didn’t you say they fell in love in high school?”

  “They did. Mom didn’t want my other mother to miss out on her dream of becoming an actress so she let her go.”

  I nodded at Taylor, the wind the only sound breaking the silence.

  “So, you wanted to talk to me?”

  “Yes. Well, first I want to apologize. For the other night…”

  “You don’t have to apologize for that, Jen.” I heard Taylor scoot closer to the trunk. I wish that it wasn’t there so I wouldn’t have to peer around it to see her, but in the same sense it gave me a little comfort.

  “Well, I think that I do, so I am going to.” I paused momentarily and arranged my thoughts. “I reacted poorly and I apologize for getting defensive.”

  “Thank you,” Taylor whispered. It was difficult to hear her with the light breeze muffling my ears. I placed my hands in my hoodie pocket and waited to see if she would say anything more. When the silence became awkward, I continued.

  “Do you know why I’ve always wanted to be an engineer?” I looked up at the sky and remembered placing my hands on my first telescope. I had only been ten years old at the time and I had no idea what my father had even bought me. He explained that the small plastic tube would allow me to see things that are great distances away. In my small mind, I imagined pointing it at a mountain to see the snow up close, or toward a busy street and watch the cars drive by silently. But when my father gave me the tripod and told me how to build it, something exciting bubbled inside of me. And when he helped me train the telescope up toward the moon, that bubble burst into pure awe. Something I had built was allowing me to see craters that had formed millions of years ago. I thought that was much cooler than eaves dropping on unknowing motorists.

  “Because you love math and science?” Taylor assumed. I guess that was part of it, yes, but not exactly the reason.

  “Because I love to build things. I’ve always been good at it; even when I was a kid.” I shifted to peer around the trunk at Taylor. Her hands held her face and her elbows leaned heavily on her thighs. It was the only way for us both to see each other. “I would ask my parents for the most expensive and laborite Lego sets.” I smiled at the memory running through my mind.

  “And let me guess, you would build them in a day?”

  I shook my head at Taylor. “No, I wouldn’t even build what the instructions told me to build. I would think of something up on my own and use the pieces to build that. When my mom found out she nearly had a heart attack. I wasn’t aware that she could just buy the pieces, I thought she actually had to buy the whole kit.”

  We both laughed together at the memory and I watched Taylor dip her head lower. I knew she was wondering why I was bringing this up. I knew she was waiting to find out why I was there, other than to apologize.

  “I guess I’ve always been good at building things…” I paused trying to arrange my thoughts again. “But when it comes to building relationships with people, I fall
short.”

  “That’s not true, Jen.” Taylor’s words were comforting but I denied her claim.

  “It is. It was something I figured out a while ago. I know you told me that I seem different now, but that’s only part of me. I am confident in some ways, but there are other parts that won’t seem to catch up.”

  “What do you mean,” she asked.

  I kept my eyes glued to the brightest star ahead of me. “The only way I can describe it is like being a star.”

  “A star?”

  I nodded and continued. “We look at the stars and to the eye they are beautiful. Against a black sky, they shine like diamonds. But if you really understood the science behind them, you’d realize they are gigantic, gaseous beasts that are unpredictable during their lives. What we see is not everything that they are, and what they truly are, we won’t see until the light catches up to our eyes.”

  I furrowed my brows and wondered if Taylor was following me.

  “What you see is who I am, but inside there is also chaos. I know how to reach my goals in a systematic manner. But when I’m around you…” I swallowed against a dry throat. Here goes nothing. “When I’m around you my insides become chaotic. It’s like you’re swallowing me whole just from being next to me. I don’t speak right. I don’t think right and my body rebels, even when I tell it to calm down. I thought I would get over that years ago but I can’t.”

  I expelled a breath letting Taylor know that I was finished.

  “Wow.”

  It was all she said and I couldn’t blame her. I should have just taken Dana’s advice and told her I had feelings for her and asked her out. Why did I have to be so grandiose about it all? I could almost hear the wheels turning in her head. The turning of my own wheels seemed to coincide with my heart. The faster I thought the faster it beat.

  “I heard somewhere that we’re all made of stardust.” I nodded my head, afraid of any more words that would come out. I didn’t even know if she was looking at me because my body wouldn’t cooperate with my mind.