A Prayer Heeded

by Samreen Ahsan

  She looks up at me. “My past will always stand between us, Adam.” I can see pain in her eyes. I brush her hair away from her face and kiss her gently on her soft lips.

  “I will make sure your past doesn’t bother you. If that asshole is dead, it’s good for him, but if he’s alive somewhere, then it’s his problem. I will never let him come to you, ever. And if he ever comes back, it would be his turn to get fucked.” I look at her with intense heat. I hope she knows I am damn serious.

  She keeps watching me, scanning for the truth in what I just said. Then she pulls away and gets up. “I’ll go set up the breakfast.” She averts her eyes and escapes from the room.

  After a few minutes, I follow her downstairs, where she’s playing in the kitchen. She looks extremely adorable and domestic, cooking for me. Is this something I want to see for the rest of my life? She has told me all about her past; what else is she holding back? I know she loves me, but what is stopping her from admitting it? When is she ever going to be ready to accept my love?

  Has she lost trust in everyone because of what that fucker did to her? But she trusted me enough to open her heart. She trusted me enough to let me spend days and nights with her. She trusted me enough that she slept with me last night, wrapping me in her embrace. I know she needs me as much as I need her, but I want to find out what else there is I don’t know.

  She looks at me from behind the countertop and smiles. I sit on the barstool and she places the warm dish in front of me. I look up at her in surprise.

  “That’s Spanish omelet with French toast and roasted potatoes. I know you didn’t eat anything last night,” she says, matter-of-fact.

  “Thank you. I’m starving.” I taste a piece of omelet. “Wow! It’s so amazingly different from what I’ve been eating. It’s…”

  “That’s because most people use processed cheese and frozen vegetables. I used all fresh ingredients.” She smiles at me proudly.

  “You found all that in this kitchen?”

  She moves around and sits next to me. “No, I went down the block and got a few things this morning.” She takes a bite of her French toast.

  “You went out to get all this to feed me?”

  She smiles and nods at me. I can’t believe she has such a conventional approach to showing her love and care. And I find it different, because I have led a life where no one has ever taken care of me with food.

  I kiss her instantly, taking tiny breadcrumbs in my mouth as I suck her lower lip. “Thank you.”

  She averts her gaze and focuses on her plate. She looks like a rose when she blushes. We finish our breakfast in silence. I keep wondering when she’ll come out of her hard capsule and open herself to me freely. She has shared a lot more than I could expect already. The pain she went through in her past—I‘d never want her to relive the memory again, but she had to do it in order to share it with me. She has told me clearly that the woman inside her is dead, and if I truly love her, I need to find a way to bring her back.

  I had thought my kiss would be enough, but whenever I kissed her, I would eventually see only pain in her eyes. Is my affection making everything worse, bringing her memories back? What I see in her now is totally different from what I perceived about her when I met her. I used to think she was so confident, a woman who knew how to get rid of the guys she wasn’t interested in. Now when I see her, she looks extremely vulnerable, as if she would break if someone even tries to touch her.

  “Can I ask you something, Adam?” She interrupts my thoughts. I nod. “Why me?” I look at her quizzically. “I mean you have been...umm…with so many women in the past and you know I…I mean…why me?”

  I pull her toward me and wrap my arms around her. “Why you? Hmm…” I smile at her and tuck her hair behind her ears. “Is there a reason to fall in love?”

  “No! I mean…” She looks down. “You know I can’t…but you still…”

  “You remind me of her.” I look intensely into her eyes.

  “So if I hadn’t resembled her, you wouldn’t have noticed me?”

  “Are you jealous, Rania?” I ask her impishly.

  “No. Why would I be? She could be some other creature.” She pushes herself away from me. Is she really jealous?

  “No, I don’t think so. She was human. I felt her on my body.” I keep looking at her, but somehow she is not comfortable talking about my mystery girl. I pull her to me again and envelop her in my arms. “You really wanna know why you?” My burning gaze catches her attention.

  “When I saw you outside the building and when you looked up at me, I felt like you were looking through me, directly into my soul. As if you’re not looking at some CEO of a giant company, but just Adam—just me. At that moment I realized I can never trick you or lie to you, because I felt you have certain powers, to which a person can only speak the truth and nothing else.”

  “But people do lie to me.” She shrugs her shoulders.

  “Maybe, but not me. You pulled out all my demons—ones I never even knew were there. The way you arranged my confronting my mother—I never thought I would forgive her, but after that I felt so much lighter, leaving behind my hatred. You tore all the heavy weights from me. And you think I need any more reason to fall in love with you?” I hold her face in my hands. “I know you’re scared of a physical relationship, and I understand why, but trust me, I will never push you into it. If you think that sex is the only thing I want from you and that you can’t keep me happy, then you’re wrong. Our relationship is beyond all that. I agree sex is important for a healthy relationship, but if it beats the shit out of you, then I won’t push you over the edge. I’m not Jibran. Before doing anything, I want your heart. I want your heart to belong to me and no one else. I want it to beat only for me. We have a lifetime to explore ourselves physically, but first we need to explore our hearts.” I kiss her forehead. “I want you to surrender your body, but not like you did in the past. I am not an animal, Rania.” I hug her tightly to make her feel that there’s no way she can throw me out of her life now. She is mine and no one else’s.

  “Now, I have to take you somewhere, so I’ll go and change.”

  I head to my room, and she calls out, “But where are we going?”

  “It’s a surprise.”

  Thirty minutes later, we arrive at our destination. Rania is completely shocked to see where our car has stopped. She doesn’t say anything, so I hold her hand and take her into an office.

  “What is this, Adam?” She looks around the office, her eyes holding a multitude of questions. A lady greets both of us, with a professional smile.

  “Hello, Mr. Gibson. Hello, Miss Rania. Pleasure meeting you two. I am Dr. Nicole, and I will be attending Miss Rania’s session.”

  “Session? What session?” Rania looks at me, confused. Dr. Nicole is wise enough to give us privacy.

  I hold her face in my hands and speak to her gently. “This is the laser and cosmetic surgery clinic. They will work on your burn scars.”

  “Why didn’t you ask me?” Rania steps back, frowning.

  “I know they remind you of your past. I want to erase all the bad memories from your body, so that the next time you look at yourself in the mirror, you just see you and not a tormented and tortured wife of an asshole.” I put my hands on her shoulders to bring her close to me.

  “How well does this work, Adam? You don’t know—”

  “I know how extensive they are, Rania. I’ve seen them. That night when you were drunk, you passed out and I had no other option besides changing your clothes. I just can’t believe that fucker burned you between the legs.” She closes her eyes. “It pained me just seeing them, and you’ve actually endured them. I don’t know how you feel every time you see your body, but it is torturous for me to feel they are there with you all the time, reminding you of your bloody cruel life.” She covers her face with her hands. “You don’t need to be embarrassed in front of me. We belong to each other.”

  She stays quiet and follows Dr.
Nicole into the private room. After half an hour, the doctor comes out.

  “Mr. Gibson. This will take quite a while, around six to seven hours. But I was wondering how they—”

  “I would appreciate it, Doctor, if you don’t ask her that. She would prefer not to talk about it. Just consider it a really old story from her past life. I want you to give your best effort, and remove every single scar from her body.”

  “Sure, Mr. Gibson.” Dr. Nicole heads back toward the private room.

  After six hours, Rania finally comes out of the room, Dr. Nicole giving her instructions about applying ointments over the treated areas. She is quiet in the car. I take her to a fine Thai restaurant. She gapes in silence, and follows me inside.

  “You know we have known each other for two months, but apart from our first dinner in that Persian restaurant, we haven’t actually dated.” I smile at her, trying my best to put her at ease. I’m pretty sure she is self-conscious that I have seen her body, and that’s why she’s unable to look me in the eyes. Throughout the meal, I talk about everything other than us, but she remains quiet the whole time. I wonder what’s going in her mind. I keep trying to divert her, but somehow my words are failing. She is acting like a puppet. I try to drag her into the conversation, but all she can do is put on a fake smile and nod in silence.

  We reach home, but she’s still not talking to me. She enters the apartment and goes straight up to the bedroom. I follow her silently and find her in the closet, looking for clothes. She doesn’t look at me, and steps out of the closet. I grab her arm.

  “What’s wrong, Rania? Why aren’t you talking to me? Did I do something wrong?”

  On hearing my words, she falls down on her knees and holds my hands, looking at me with wet eyes.

  “Adam please, don’t make me feel so…” She looks everywhere but at me. “I can never repay you. Your love, your care, your way of understanding me...I don’t know how you do it. I can never pay you back, Adam. I owe you so much.”

  I sit down with her and hug her tightly. “Did I ever say I’m looking for something in return? Your presence in my life is enough for me, Rania.”

  She pulls back and looks into my eyes. “But why, Adam? Why are you doing so much for me? What have I done to deserve so much love and goodness from you?”

  “It’s because I love you.”

  “But why do you love me so much? Why?” Tears start flooding her eyes.

  “There’s no reason to be in love, is there? Like I told you, I was awestruck. But if you really want to know, then keep in mind that you bring light to me. I was living in darkness. You are my beacon. I find peace and contentment when I’m with you.” I kiss her forehead. “So never think of repaying anything. What you have given me—I can’t even think how I would pay you back. You brought all new feelings to me. You brought my family back to me. And you say you haven’t done anything? If you compare my actions to what you’ve done, they’re nothing. I am only doing tangible things. This laser surgery, your home, everything has a price—but what you did was priceless. So I’m the one who owes you, okay?” A small curve appears on the corner of her soft lips.

  “So tell me, how was Dr. Nicole’s work? Are you happy?” She wipes her tears and nods with a smile. “So this means next time when you run away and get drunk, I’ll be able to see this progress?” I smirk at her and she bursts into laughter. Her laughter is a sight to see.

  “I need to take a shower.” She gathers her clothes and heads to the washroom. I rest on bed, waiting for her.

  It has taken almost half an hour for her to come out of the shower. Her skin is strawberry pink and she’s wearing a black satin caftan, up to her ankles. Her breast area is covered with lace, with crisscross strings to make it more alluring. Oh God! The lace and her beauty!

  I am stunned, and can’t keep my eyes off her when she sits in front of the dresser to brush her hair. My eyes meet hers in the mirror’s reflection. We look at each other with unspoken words, but our eyes are burning with passion—or is it just me? She’s never looked at me like that. The fire that’s burning inside me, is it burning in her too? Is she able to take a step with me tonight?

  She is so broken and defenseless inside that even if I want to take a step, I can’t. I would never want to make her feel that my love has no patience, and I don’t want to remind her of that asshole. I would never want his memory in her mind, when I make love to her. I would never want her to compare me to him. When it’s us, it should only be us, and nothing from her past.

  She gets up, closes the side lamp and lies down beside me. I wait for her to speak, but I feel she doesn’t want to talk about anything. I roll to her side and rest my head on my palm, with my elbow on the pillow. The lamp is still throwing light behind me, and I can see her beautiful charming face under the dim light. She’s staring at the ceiling, thinking about something.

  “You remember, Adam, when you arranged the party and I cried over the dance performance, you never asked me why I cried.” She’s still staring at the ceiling.

  “I thought you didn’t want to discuss it,” I say.

  She closes her eyes for a second and takes a deep breath. “In our first week of marriage, Jibran took me to Egypt, where we spent a night under the stars. The backdrop in that performance reminded me of those stars. It was my only sweet memory with him, after marriage. We actually counted shooting stars almost all night. Everything changed after that. Perhaps, one of the shooting stars was carrying my fate.” She closes her eyes again and when she opens them, she looks at me.

  “He was never the same after that. I never knew what changed him.” She looks back to the ceiling. “When I was twelve, I went to Istanbul with my parents. We were wandering around in the old bazaar when my mom stopped at some sorcerer’s tent. Baba used to think it was all rubbish, and since he never believed in their predictions, we met the lady who was reading people’s faces. When she looked at me, she told my mother that they should never take me to Egypt, because that’s where my fate resided. My parents laughed at her, but she said seriously that my fate was enclosed there like dead ruins, and if I ever went there, it would change my life completely.” She looks at me with sleepy eyes. “She wasn’t lying. That place did change my life.”

  I keep listening to her, but I don’t know what to say. I never believed in all those stories. What change would a place bring? Why wouldn’t she understand that what Jibran did to her was not due to the place or some sorcerer’s predictions? He was an animal who treated her like a piece of meat. There was nothing wrong with her fate. Why did she keep blaming her luck for all this? I’m starting to seriously think she should consult a therapist, and talk about her inner feelings. I feel she needs it.

  “You’re tired, Rania. You’ve had a long day. Please, go to sleep. We’ll talk about it tomorrow.” I roll back to my side of the bed and shut off the lamp, without saying anything further.

  THE OTHER SIDE

  Adam can still feel Rania awake, though she has her back to him. He moves closer to her and presses his chest into her back, wrapping his arm over her waist. He kisses the nape of her neck. She starts to breathe harder.

  “I know you’re not asleep.” His hands reach her nape and he flicks his fingers gently on the back of her shoulder, where once a burn mark left its shadow.

  “You would never believe me, Adam, would you?” Her voice is almost a whisper. He turns her around and looks into her eyes.

  “What makes you think I wouldn’t?” He caresses her cheek with his thumb.

  “Your eyes say it, Adam. You didn’t believe what I just told you. That place did change my fate.” She’s not looking at him. She is just staring blankly at the ceiling. He remains quiet, not sure what to say.

  Is he supposed to believe that any place could change her fate? Is he supposed to believe the sorcerer, that her fate was buried like a dead ruin in Egypt and, once she went there, everything got opened and she became cursed? It was all so unbelievable. He is adamant that Ra
nia should consult a doctor about her condition.

  He knows she reads a lot, and perhaps that is making her live in an illusion. Maybe her past was so cruel that she wanted an escape. He remembers she once said that she prefers living in a fictional world. Is she actually living in that world? He’s afraid she might suffer from split personality disorder. He’d never want her to suffer like that, because she is the person he loves most. He wants to keep her forever, not risk losing her. But her strange behavior is creating differences in their relationship.

  He knows certainly that Rania did feel his touch, when he first kissed her under the millions of stars. Her body was heated when he touched her, and he can’t understand what happened later on. He kisses her lips gently once again, and she closes her eyes to feel everything. He completely takes over her mouth, feeling everything inside her with his tongue. He is testing the waters, dipping his toes in a bit. Fishing to find out where she stands, what her feelings are, checking if she is willing to drown herself in his passion or not. They both are burning with desire; their kiss is screaming with passion as he pulls her closer to him.

  She lets herself flow with his rapture, leaving everything behind—her past, her worries, her curse. She wants to take the path where he is leading her. The path that can give her happiness, and burn all her sorrows. He is once again able to feel her body; he knows she loves him as much as he loves her, but she’s afraid to confess it. Her earlier worries have evaporated. Her questions, her fears, the idea that she was making a wrong decision—they are gone in a perfect moment of absolute rightness. This is what she wanted—giving someone her heart, body and soul. She’s not going to fight it anymore.

  He pins her wrists over her head so he can feel her completely. She surrenders herself to him; she wants to feel him on every inch of her body, and it seems like he has read her mind at that very moment. He realizes how much her body desires his touch, and he has longed for this moment since the day he met her. His lips leave hers and he trails down her neck, placing tender but passionate kisses on her neck. She moans with pleasure, her eyes closed, enjoying the blissful moments.